Sunday, April 09, 2006
lost
i'm going to take a shower as soon as oliver comes in. i expect his little head to be peeking in the window any time now. today was a lost day. i didn't even sleep through it. i don't know what i did. i got lost on BlogMad for a while. the cats have gotten a lot of attention.
have been thinking of H. a lot today. i don't know why. i guess because i'm lonely. life just seems to be passing me by. i avoid people. avoid going places. i haven't been out of the house all weekend. it was a beautiful day out and i only saw it through the windows. there was a time when i would have gone for a long walk or a bike ride. before i was so scared to go out. even in my old neighborhood, i was afraid. now i have to be with a "safe" person. my sister or sean. or H.
oliver just came in. i don't feel like taking a shower. i hate my shower. well i hate the claw foot tub. it's so narrow, you feel like you're going to fall out of it. but i look like hell, i would imagine anyway. the only mirror is on the second floor and i'm not going up there just to see how bad i look. no thank you.
i used to take a shower every morning and iron my clothes every day. i don't know what happened. i just stopped caring. i stopped caring quite some time ago. i can't take another day of this. i have to make myself care. this sucks. i thought the clozaril was helping, now i don't know. i miss the friends that i used to have. back when i didn't constantly cancel because i was too afraid or too depressed. once upon a time, i was afraid but i did things anyway. i ordered some Ativan on line. that used to help. it was my mother's prescription but i took it when i was having a day that i couldn't function. it even made me a little high. now, i'm just babbling. i'll leave that to better babblers.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:33 PM ::
3 comments
Post / Read Comments
0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
