coming and going

Tuesday, January 31, 2006 back from the vampires

sean picked me up pretty much on time. i was sleeping sitting up when she came to the door. she must have done her little knock but i don't remember hearing it. when i woke up, all i saw was her head peeking in the window. she's so cute.
got my ekg done. sean actually came in with me for that. even though it only takes a minute. and the woman who did it was kind enough to pull all of the sticky things off. then we went to wait to get the blood drawn and sean's phone rang so she didn't go in with me for that. something tells me that she doesn't like the sight of blood anyway. then she took me to do some shopping. i didn't get much but did get some creamer and cat litter (they were sadly in need), and some tortillas and cheese and salsa.
tomorrow is my pdoc appt.and my day to see marsha. i'm going to remember this time to talk about doing without the nurses on sundays.
i feel better than i did yesterday. not so desparate. still kind of pissy. but seeing sean put me in a better mood, i think. and just getting the stupid stuff done at the hospital made me feel better. it's no longer hanging over my head. our hospital has valet parking, which makes going there a lot easier. not having to hike half an hour in the snow to get to the door. slight exaggeration on the half hour. but it was snowing...
i just ordered some poppers!!!!yay!!!!!! haven't had any in weeks. and they promised me that they were filled with cheddar cheese, not cream cheese. i thank a very good friend for the ability to get the poppers. yummy! they better not screw them up. i'm really looking forward to them.
i had given sean a belated birthday card last week. told her she could wait to open it. wrote something in it. today, she said it was very sweet.
now it's snowing big flakes. it's only supposed to accumulate to one inch or so. snow is pretty when you know you're not going to be trapped in your driveway.

Posted by Lisa :: 3:45 PM :: 4 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
sleep

can't seem to get enough of it. i cancelled the appt. with the squid this morning so that i could go back to bed.
sean is due in about an hour. wonder if she'll leave me speechless and come on time again. naw, not twice in a row....
the cats are having their tuna fish.licking the plates clean. they love it so much. it's nice to be able to give it to them. ella has decided that her full tummy.a nap is in order. so have boo and chuck. that means no one is stalking me. oliver slept through lunch.
i'm ready for another nap. i don't know what's wrong with me. no time for a nap now. i'm not just sleeping to avoid, i'm really tired. i feel like i could sleep all day. i'll probably go back to bed after this appt. is over with.
i need coffee.don't have any creamer.i don't like drinking it black anymore. the good news is that i can some creamer. i got some money to tide me over until my check comes. for which i am very grateful.
i'm going to take a sitting up nap.

Posted by Lisa :: 12:09 PM :: 1 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Monday, January 30, 2006 i want to cut

i just told someone that i was okay. but it wasn't the truth. i want to cut really bad. i don't have any razor blades but i've got a utility knife with fresh blades. but i have to get my blood drawn tomorrow. and if they can't get a vein in one arm they're going to try the other. and on that one, i'll have a bunch of little bandaids holding a cut together. i wish i didn't have that appt. tomorrow. that's the only thing that's stopping me. it's bad enough for them to see all the scars but to see a fresh wound, i don't know where i'd end up with that.

Posted by Lisa :: 8:30 PM :: 5 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
i'm listening....

to Andrea Bocelli. for those of you who don't know of him, he's an opera singer, blind since birth. Ave Maria is what he's singing right now. my mother had them play that at her mother's funeral. and it occurred to me that i didn't have them play anything at my mother's funeral. it was hard being in charge of it all. what clothes to bring, what to write in the obituary, everything. i don't think i could handle it now. but i handled it then and never let my weakness show. i was a rock. for my sister, my brother. a real rock of strength. i don't know how i did it. i don't know how i took care of her for years. i don't know how i stayed up all night in the ICU and then in the nursing home. i honestly don't know how i did it all. except that i had to. no one else was going to do it, and i had to. yeah, to be fair, my sister took some time off from work and stayed with her, but not all night. telling her to get back into bed when she was confused. making her get back in bed. the day she died, i went home for a nap. it was when i came back that she died. my sister said, she was waiting for you.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:21 PM :: 0 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
definitely less pissy

i received a wonderful half surprise from a friend today. it helped to make me less pissy.
when sean called this morning and asked me how i'd been over the weekend, i told her angry. not at anything particular, just angry. she finally called back at four and said, i guess i'm not going anywhere today. i laughed. getting in at 4am, it was certainly understandable.
oh, i'm dreading the squid tomorrow. it'll be okay once i get there. it's just the getting there. i'm glad that it's early in the day or i don't think i'd go half the time. i don't really trust her enough to say much yet. i wonder if her hair will be sticking up. it wasn't last week. she looked quite normal.
ella is sitting on the router to stay warm. actually to make me feel guilty that i'm not letting her up in my lap. even though i have a laptop, i tend to put it on the coffee table and lean over. laptop= not leaning. can't seem to get that through my head.

Posted by Lisa :: 6:33 PM :: 1 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
a little less pissy

yes, a little less pissy. i just woke up from a nap. so it's not really a good gauge yet just how pissy i am. how many times do you suppose i can use the word pissy in my post? pissy, pissy, pissy. pissy, pissier, pissiest.
okay, now that that's over with....
poor sean called this morning. she went to visit her daughter yesterday and she never got home until four this morning. the fog was that bad. i assume she was going back to bed. she said she'd call me early this afternoon. she's probably just sleeping away right now. it must have been nerve-wracking as well as exhausting to drive through that.
tomorrow is the squid. and she'd better not have any fresh germs. and sean and i are going to the hospital so that i can get blood drawn and get an EKG. that'll be a thrill. grateful that the EKG only lasts for a minutes. and they usually tell you if you're dead or not right away.
btw, i'm a little less pissy.

Posted by Lisa :: 1:48 PM :: 1 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
5am

guess i deserved to wake up so early since i slept most of yesterday. i was in a downright pissy mood yesterday so sleep was a good idea. i tried to watch a movie and couldn't concentrate and that just made me pissier. (is "pissier" even a word?)
it's really, really foggy out. the cats have been out and are in again.
i hope today isn't like yesterday. the cats are going to kick my ass if i'm in that kind of mood again. and i won't blame them.
i guess it's off to take a shower. it's better to be a clean pissy person than a dirty one. i think Benjamin Franklin first said that.

Posted by Lisa :: 5:14 AM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Sunday, January 29, 2006 yawn, sniffle, yawn

guess what? i went back to bed after icky, stern nurse left. quite the surprise, huh? got up at noon, at which time, the cats informed me that they were going to eat NOW! yes masters, i will feed you. i haven't given them the tuna fish yet. haven't gotten that fancy albacore since the first visit to the food pantry. rats! but they enjoy the chunk light just as well. i was hoping for some albacore for me. but i guess it was a fluke. oh well...

okay, slept for another three hours.it's raining. ella and i have done two trips to the door only so that i could open it, she could look outside and run back inside. she was game for a third trip, but i told her to go do something constructive. chuckie is snoring away in the chair. oliver and boo are still in bed.
the rain is okay, better than snow. we were supposed to have a nor'easter on tuesday but they've decided that it's going to go to our east. sorry you folks in Boston.
i think i'm finally going to watch a movie.

Posted by Lisa :: 12:37 PM :: 2 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Saturday, January 28, 2006 bored and tired of blowing my nose

it's 50 degrees here today. am i going out to enjoy the warm weather? no. doesn't interest me in the slightest. even the cat prefers the back porch.
i can hear bad music from next door. maybe once the cat comes in, i'll retire to the third floor and play my own music. the speakers on the iMac are very good. i get so spoiled weekdays when the Roos are not home. Mrs. Roo was vacuuming earlier and i kept hearing Bam, Bam, Bam as she ran the vacuum into the wall.
ella came in. their music isn't loud enough to complain about, just loud enough to annoy. dammit! and they have this bass speaker that i could take a hammer to long about now. i hate having neighbors. i really do. i should live out in the middle of nowhere.

okay, i took a two hour nap. i wish the bathroom wasn't on the first floor. i'd have peed and gone back to bed if it was on the second floor. but once you've come down those stairs, the nap is all over. i can't breed true my node.
okay, one of my pet peeves. the Roos must have company. and they parked their minivan right at the end of the walkway. so if i was to go out to my car, i'd have to trudge through snow. why do people do this? smack dab at the end of the walkway? i want to take my wiffle ball bat and smack them upside the head. many times. over and over again. repeatedly. until my bat is bent or my arm falls off.

Posted by Lisa :: 1:11 PM :: 2 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Friday, January 27, 2006 suddenly i feel like shit...

physically and emotionally. i've been looking forward to this weekend and all the marshmallow that i want. i wish i didn't have to get up in the morning for the nurse. regular nurse tomorrow and i think icky, stern nurse on sunday. i really have to talk to marsha this coming week to cut out the nurse on sundays. i can trust myself with two days pills. not any more than that but i can do two days. even if i took them all at once, they wouldn't hurt me. i'd probably just end up sleeping a lot.which i think i'm going to go try to do now.

Posted by Lisa :: 9:19 PM :: 2 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
the squid's germs

i think i caught her cooties. i get up and blow my nose, by the time i'm back in the living room, i have to get up and blow my nose again. and i'm coughing more than usual. but my eyes are watering constantly, so it may just be allergies. sometimes, i'm convinced that i'm getting a cold and it just turns out to be allergies.
i took a nap this afternoon after sean and i got back from the food pantry. i woke up to see that someone had barfed on the couch. i woke up this morning also to vomit on the couch. somebody's not feeling well. i wish they'd not feel well on the floor instead of the furniture.
yeah, so sean was actually on time today. i told her it freaked me out. we got to the food pantry before it opened, so we joined the line. we were both freezing. i got some good stuff today. but learned that fat free cottage cheese just isn't the same. i suppose if i could find my salt shaker it would jazz it up a little. i know, i've been here for a year and haven't found my salt shaker. i never use salt. except apparently on fat free cottage cheese.
they tried to give me apple juice in a can. like the orange juice. and i was just going to take it. but sean stepped up and asked if they had anything in a bottle. got some good cranberry juice. which does not taste like rusty can.
i got cereal, mac and cheese, chicken noodle soup, peaches (canned), some rice, and corn. a lot of good stuff. it confuses me, i don't know what to have for dinner. oh and i got some tuna fish, the cats will like that.
and that lactose free milk that i got last week, i thought the cat would turn her nose up at it, but she drank it. so that's a relief. don't have to worry about going out and somehow getting her regular milk. it's quite the relief.
i think i'm leaning towards mac and cheese.
it feels later than it is. i guess the cold/ allergies are making me tired.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:12 PM :: 1 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
horrible dream

i just woke up from the most horrible dream. had to do with my mother and the house. i don't think i'll be going back to sleep. though i have to think about it being awake, i'm afraid it would continue if i went back to sleep. there's so much fucking guilt about selling that house. no wonder i can't settle in here and still have a room full of boxes. i don't think that i should be here. i think that i should have kept the house. but i just couldn't do it,financially. it was a losing battle with all of the work that needed to be done on it. i hate that i had to sell that house. would have been cool if i could have gotten the money from the sale without having to give up the house. i could have fixed everything and made it nice. but of course that couldn't happen.
my sister took me to dinner last night. $7.99 prime rib. it was okay, not as good as it usually is. but the mashed potatoes were yummy. they use red potatoes and leave the skin on. i love that. there were even some lumps. lumps taste like homemade. better than those whipped potatoes you get some places. the kind the consistency of glue.
ella is insisting on being on my legs. i told her to go back to bed, but that doesn't seem to be on her schedule. oh, she just went up.
maybe i'll try to go back to sleep.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:16 AM :: 4 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Thursday, January 26, 2006 help! i can't stop blogging!

i think it's because i know that my cable won't be shut off. it's such a relief.
i realized that i forgot to write down what a couple of the big expenses were. Mr. Goodwanker will probably call me on monday to ask me to explain the big check i gave to my sister, and the year's condo fees and something else i'm forgetting. oh, the slightly smaller check i made out to H.
i took two klonopin before heading out this morning and they really helped. i think i'll do the same before we go to the food pantry tomorrow. i was even slightly talkative. and considering how nervous i was, that's saying something. usually, when i get nervous, it's like someone pressed the mute button.
i was telling sean this story one day last week. my sister and i call our Palm Pilots, PPs. once when i was in intensive care and she was sitting with me, apparently i asked her in a very loud voice, if she wanted to play with my PP. she said no, in a loud voice. then i said, i remember, it's on the coffee table at home. what people must have thought.

Posted by Lisa :: 1:29 PM :: 4 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
whew

i got to the cable office. they had not set a shut off day. i'm good until the 27th of Febrary. by then, i should have no problem paying it.
i'm so relieved, i really didn't know what i was going to do without blogger being part of my day. some days, a lot of my day. i'd be lost without all of you.

Posted by Lisa :: 12:18 PM :: 2 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
home again, home again

i survived. with out sean, i never would have been able to do it. i'd have left fourteen times while i was waiting. i brought the guy all my bank statements for the past year plus my receipts for the computers. he said that he'd have to go through it all on monday. and i should get the first check in 10-14 days. they'll pay me retroactively for the time that i went under 2,000 dollars. though the first check will just be for one month. the bank just called me to discuss my negative balance. i told her that i planned to go in and talk to someone about it. i probably won't do that until monday. sean and i are going to the food bank tomorrow and i think that's all i'm going to be up for. she brought me a coffee and a bottle of orange juice minus the rust i had found on the inside of the can i got from the food pantry. the one she gave me was much better.
at the social security office, we had to wait for our number to be called, then wait to see "mr. goodwin". (i guess they don't give out their first names so no one will track them down and kill them.)
my condo fee check cleared, so i can stop worrying about that, thank heavens. i really would have died of embarrassment had that bounced. and i'm thinking that i'll use that occasionly overdraft protection to pay my cable bill. i'm still a little nerved up from going to the ss office so i'm going to take a chill pill and then go to the cable office. hopefully i'll avert them shutting it off. don't know what i'd do without my blog buddies.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:23 AM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
nervous as hell

yep, that's me. sean should be here any minute.
if you don't hear from me for a while, it's because they shut off my cable.
thanks for the well wishing for my appt.
if i live through it, i'll tell you how it goes. if i can.

Posted by Lisa :: 9:04 AM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Wednesday, January 25, 2006 marshmallow

i went to sleep after the nurse left and slept til two. i was tired all day yesterday, then after getting up in the middle of the night for a few hours. i didn't even go back to bed, i slept on the couch. which, by the way, is very comfortable.
i just came back from seeing Marsha. it's always good to see her.
i was hoping to see sean today. she was supposed to call when she was free but i haven't heard from her so i guess we're not meeting. i hope she calls anyway. i'd like to check in with her. but she's probably heading home by now. she's supposed to pick me at nine tomorrow morning for the dreaded visit to the ss office. i have to make sure tonight that i have everything that i need. nothing like waiting until the last minute. i think i have everything, just have to mark a few debit amounts to show the washer and dryer and the stove and the refrigerator. i think they should be able to figure out Bob's Discount Furniture. then again, you never know, this is the government we're talking about.
so far, no sign of squid's cooties.
now i'm getting tired again.
not much significant to say, i guess. i think i'll go stare at the microwave until my potato is done.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:25 PM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
what woke me up?

i went to bed around ten-thirty. woke up at two-thirty covered with cats. i don't know why i woke up. and so wide awake. i didn't even take a nap yesterday. i usually wake up for a few minutes around four, then go right back to sleep. hmmmmm...... i hope this isn't something new that's going to start. i'm getting way ahead of myself. it's just happened once.
i'm getting nervous about going to the ss office. i don't know what about it makes me afraid. i just am. and i'm nervous about going to the food pantry on friday. it's like being on a damned subway in there.
time for some Rescue Remedy. remedy taken. we'll see if it works. homeopathic stuff.but 54 proof. you only put a couple of drops under your tongue. great, now i'm crying. what the hell is going on? i was fine when i went to bed. didn't take me long at all to go to sleep. i don't recall any dreams.
now all kinds of shit is pouring into my thoughts. shit i don't need to be thinking about.
maybe i'll try to go back to sleep....

Posted by Lisa :: 3:21 AM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Tuesday, January 24, 2006 fresh linen

that's the candle scent that i'm burning right now. it's almost totally dark outside. it's the only light besides the glow of the puter.
just came back about an hour ago from having coffee with sean. she was supposed to come at two-fifteen, she showed at three o'clock. ahh, but i was thinking ahead and called marsha and put off going into the office until tomorrow. -grins-
i knew that sean wouldn't really be here at the time she said. i'm starting to catch on. this time she did apologize. she helped me take out the trash. it took two trips it had been quite a while since she'd come to the house.
we're going to the social security office thursday morning.i'm nervous about it. i don't know how long it will take to get a check. thanks to someone's thoughfulness and kindness i'm enjoying the luxury of a cigarette and the cats ate well this afternoon. i got their favorites. ella and boo ate so much, i'm expecting to go upstairs later and find barf. probably on the bed. chuckie didn't partake. she was too busy sleeping and snoring but i saved her some.
i feel pretty good today. it was the first time i'd had coffee since sometime last week. i think that has something to do with it.i am still shaky. when sean and i went to coffee,she had to help me fill my cup (yes, there they just give you a cup and they have a row of self-serve carafes) and put the cream in.
i saw the squid this morning and she had a terrible cold. and i was sitting there thinking of whether i touched anything she did or if i didn't have to worry about her cooties.
anyway, back to feeling pretty good today...i don't know if it's just a fluke or if it's here to stay for a while. i certainly have things going on that could depress me but they don't seem to be getting to me. and the regular depression isn't too bad today. it's not smacking me upside the head.(knock on wood)
i'm thinking of my mother and brother a lot. it's because of the dreams i'm having. i seem to have variations of the same one every night. they've been getting worse and worse. i'd love to get a night's of dreamless sleep.

Posted by Lisa :: 5:23 PM :: 6 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Monday, January 23, 2006 a wonderful surprise

i received a wonderful and very welcome surprise today. to the person who made that happen, i thank you beyond what i can express.
i think i got some payback for calling ducklady, ducklady. when i went out to move my car back into the driveway, she was out there talking to a neighbor. i was slipping and sliding in the mush on the road. i didn't fall, but i was close to it a couple of times. so she had a good show. not that i won't continue to call her ducklady.she is a ducklady.
i've had last year's calendar on the wall because i don't have one for this year. i kept telling myself that i had to go down to the bank and get one of their awful free ones. well, today i remembered that i got a barnes and noble gift card last christmas so i went online and ordered a cat calendar. they were all half price. of course with the shipping it was closer to full price but that was okay. so i'm going to have a calendar in a few days which won't confuse me. and i confuse easily lately.
does it ever seem to any of you that somedays your concentration is so bad that you can't follow what people say to you that everything seems to go over your head? that's happening to me more and more often. part of the time, i know it's because of the voices. but even when they aren't bothering me, i have trouble. things just don't seem to make sense. people might as well be talking a different language. and i see the squid tomorrow. last week i kept having to ask her to repeat herself. and the next day, i couldn't follow what sean was saying. i hope it's better tomorrow. i feel like an idiot having people repeat themselves. i wait a few minutes, trying to get it straight in my mind before i ask them, can you say that again? so they know that it wasn't that i didn't hear them. i feel like i'm walking around in a fog. and it's not that i'm overmedicated. sometimes i wish that i was. :) i'll never forget the time they gave me thorazine in the hosptial. it certainly calmed me down.

Posted by Lisa :: 6:48 PM :: 6 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Sean called

she didn't wait until the last minute. she said, i'm not driving today which you've probably already guessed. i said, yes i figured that.
the snow has stopped. i moved my car to the street so that when mr. plowman comes i won't have rush out there so that he can plow the driveway. i was really lucky to get this unit. the only one with my own driveway. nobody walks past my windows to get to their condo. i like being on the far end. it suits my personality. my hermit ways.
the cats just had their tuna feast. now they've all gone upstairs for a nap. which means that i get to type without ella trying to get between me and puter. a rare treat for me.
i wish mr. plowman would come. i feel like i'm ready for a nap. and i don't want to fall asleep with my car out on the street. don't want to get towed. last year they put the parking bans on the local weather site. this year, they're not doing it. i just sent them an email asking why. like that's going to be answered...
someone across the street is building a snowman. i guess there are good things about snow. we end up with a lot of snowmen in this neighborhood.
here's mr. plowman. hurray! hope he does a good job on the walks this time. sounds like he's doing a good job on the driveway. i guess i can move my car.

Posted by Lisa :: 1:32 PM :: 2 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
well the weather sucks up here

i don't know how much snow we have so far. seems like six inches or so. i just went out to clear off my car for when mr. plowman gets here and i have to move it. finally took that winter coat that a bought a few months ago out of the box. i hate winter coats. i always feel like the michelan (sp) man. but it sure made it warmer out there. even wore my gloves.i'm used to being out there in shirt sleeves with no gloves and my sneakers.my head did get all snowy and it's running down my forehead right now. drip,drip,drip on the trackpad.the snow seems to be slowing down so i hope mr. plowman comes soon.
now i'm in for some beets and flavored coffee. (yeah Denise, you'd better run!) now about beets, does it or does it not look as though something died on your plate? actually, i've never tried beets. just the sight of them is enough to produce a stifled dry heave.
there's this senior citizen who lives diagonally across from me. she's duck lady's mother. while i was clearing off my car, i could hear her talking to herself as she was shoveling. fuck this and shit that. she cracks me up. this autumn she was picking leaves off her sidewalk- "fucking leaf!" and she's not quiet about it at all.
i haven't heard anything from sean. but i doubt that she's working today. i wish she'd call if she's not going to come. at some time other than the last minute. ticks me off when she does that.
okay, i would really like a cigarette now. right, right now. maybe i magically forgot a pack in the drawer.- *goes and looks*-nope, didn't forget any. darn. damndarn.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:42 AM :: 0 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Sunday, January 22, 2006 i was tagged....

3 names you answer to:

Lisa
Auntie Lisa
Lis

3 parts of your heritage:

Irish
French
German

3 things that scare me:

going totally insane
being unable to take care of myself
losing my sister

3 of your everyday essentials:

coffee
intenet
kitties

3 things you are wearing right now:

blue jeans
tennis shoes
lime green t-shirt

3 of your favorite songs:

Song for Ireland- Mary Black
Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
Maxwell’s Silver Hammer - The Beatles

3 things you want in a relationship (other than real love):

true friendship
laughter
sharing

2 truths and 1 lie (in any order):

coffee is the nectar of the gods
i love beets
my cat just barfed

3 things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:

sense of humor
creativity
height

3 of your favorite hobbies:

photography
writing
watching old movies

3 places you want to go:

Ireland
Ireland
Ireland

3 things you want to do before you die:

have a poem published
work
fly in a small plane

3 ways that you are stereotypically a male/female:

i don’t know

3 people you would like to take this survey:

Teressa
Tiny
Sam

Posted by Lisa :: 6:20 PM :: 7 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
pre-game shows

to be exact, football pre-game shows. i hate them. if football is scheduled to begin at 2pm, i expect the kick-off at 2:01. i don't want an hour of fluff before the game. once the game started, ella wouldn't give up the pillow. oliver was smack dab in the middle of the bed. and boo was mimicking my every move. i couldn't get comfortable around the cats and so i gave up on watching the game.
talksalot knocked at my door while i was upstairs. i heard the knock, looked out the window, didn't see any cars, so i decided it was no one important. then i saw talksalot heading back to her condo.
we're supposed to get a significant amount of snow tomorrow. it was sixty here yesterday. wtf? i mean, really, wtf? sean will probably stay home. she came from San Francisco seven years ago and she's still a snow wimp. that means another day totally alone except for the nurse. this morning the nurse talked for fifteen minutes about her son. it really was fifteen minutes. didn't ask me how i was. told me how she was. i know that i really should tell marsha about it when she does that but i don't want to get anyone in trouble.
special thanks to jackiesue for explaining in one of her posts exactly what fubar stands for. i've heard the word, knew it wasn't a good thing but never knew exactly what it stood for. now that i know, i think i'll use the word a lot. fubar, it's fubared!
i spent the morning sleeping. got up around one. and i'm ready for another nap. or some mac and cheese. i'm not sure which.
the same car keeps passing the house. maybe it's fubared.

Posted by Lisa :: 3:56 PM :: 2 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Saturday, January 21, 2006 snow

predicted for monday. snow and freezing rain. just great. it's been in the fifties. today is warm except for high winds. i think the high winds took out a power line. we were without power for a while. i'm not sure for how long. i was asleep and woke up to no time showing on the coffee maker. of course the first thing i did was consult my checkbook. yep, paid. then i called their 800 number and a recording told me they were aware of the problem. what to do..... since i couldn't get online, i thought i'd watch a dvd. stupid. there's no power on the second floor either.
i'm out of one of my inhalers. i wish i had thought to say something to sean yesterday. the pharmacy is closed tomorrow. and with the snow and sleet i'll probably not be able to get one monday.damn. not thinking ahead, as usual.
it is so windy here.the local weather site said that the gusts were up to thirty mph, but i think it's more than that.
i think it's time for some more marshmallow.

Posted by Lisa :: 5:02 PM :: 6 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Friday, January 20, 2006 today

poor sean. i was supposed to meet her this afternoon and i fell asleep. she called fifteen minutes after we were supposed to meet. the phone woke me but i didn't get to it in time. she left a message saying she was concerned and that she'd try again in a few minutes. i was already in my car on the way when she called back. i apologized profusely and told her i was on my way. the dear heart had a coffee waiting for me when i got there. fortunately, she had some work to do while she waited.
as we drank our coffee and played with our toys ( the empty Splenda packet and stirrer) i was trying to figure out how to say that i thought the check that i wrote to talksalot (for the condo fee) was going to bounce. that i thought my "oops" protection didn't have enough room on it to cover the check. but i couldn't bring it up. i haven't gotten anything from the bank yet. so i'm still crossing my fingers. i already figured out what i'm going to say to talksalot if she comes to the door with the bounced check. that there is something going on with the bank and i'll take care of it next week and pay her. then, i'll have to tell sean. the cats have tuna for the next couple of days and i have a pocket full of dimes to get them some dry food that hopefully will hold them over the weekend. fortunately, they're not picky about what kind of dry food they get. no cigarettes though. so if i sound pissy over the next few days, it's probably because i am. please forgive me in advance. :)

Posted by Lisa :: 5:06 PM :: 7 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
yesterday

sean and i went to the food pantry. it wasn't as bad as last time but i guess i was looking a little green cause she asked me if i would be better waiting outside. she offered me her coat. i told her, no it was fine.
i don't think i'll ever get used to the way she drives. she must get horrible gas mileage. stop, vroom, stop, vrooom. my seatbelt gets a work out riding with her.
i did go to dinner with my sister. but it was rather depressing. and i was shaky which didn't help things. the waitress came to the table, asked if we were ready to order. my sister gave her order and the waitress took the menus and walked away. i was just sitting there with this stupid look on my face. my sister asked me what i wanted and went after the waitress. i wouldn't have minded so much if she had apoligized, said she was spacey, whatever. but she didn't say a word. she wouldn't have gotten twenty percent if i was paying. the food was good.
my sister brought me my christmas present from one of my nephews. it was a Gevalia set, with two mugs and a shitload of flavored coffees. i HATE flavored coffees. that reminds me, i have to send him a thank you email. oh, i guess i have to drink them in case he asks me how they are. damn. maybe they won't be so bad. not going to rush to make any now. when i first saw the Gevalia box, i had visions of plain coffee running through my head. their plain coffee is very good. very rich. never have tried any of their flavored coffees. did i mention that i HATE flavored coffees? oh well, the kid meant well. he and his brother have one of those wish lists on Amazon. i'm beginning to think that's a good idea. maybe i should start one.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:40 AM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Thursday, January 19, 2006 still around

had some horrible dreams last night. really unsettling. they woke me and it took me a while to realize that they were not real. i'm going back to bed after the nurse comes. hopefully i won't dream.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:01 AM :: 7 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Wednesday, January 18, 2006 waiting on the cat...

so that i can go to bed. all i'm doing is crying. might as well do that in bed. i feel myself sliding deeper and deeper in depression. don't know what's causing it. i've also been hearing voices since sunday. i can't take this. it has to stop one way or another. i just want to get into bed and stay there. for a few days. not have the phone ring. not have any nurses, nothing. i was tempted to flush my nighttime meds a little while ago but i took them. i don't know why. they don't seem to be helping. what is going to help? if i did what i want to do, it would send my sister over the edge. she's not doing well at all. there's no money to get me creamated anyway. that's what i want. and to have my ashes thrown in the ocean. they'd just end up washing back up on the shore. i'd end up part of a kid's sand castle. not a bad thing to be. what am i going to do? i can't go on like this. it just keeps getting worse. i don't know how i'm going to go to the food pantry tomorrow with sean. it feels way too hard. everything feels way too hard.

Posted by Lisa :: 8:42 PM :: 5 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
just another day

went back to bed after the nurse left. i thought she was never going to leave. she just kept talking and talking. i was willing her to leave but it wasn't working. i feel like her fucking therapist some days.
i went and met with marsha this afternoon. still didn't understand why my meds were changed. then met sean at the bad coffee place, though the coffee wasn't bad today. then over to the pdocs. she said that the changes were old. she increased my lamitctal to where it had been and increased the seroquel. said she didn't want to increase the risperal until i had my blood test done. she said risperdal can increase your prolactin level and that maybe be why i haven't had a period in over a year.
i was a wreck today. every question that sean or the pdoc asked me seemed over my head. and marsha trying to explain my meds to me. i couldn't follow her at all. by the time i met sean for coffee, she said i looked as though i was going to cry. i told her that was a possibility. but i got over it.
the nights have been really lonely lately. i think that's why i've been going to bed so early. i really do just want to say, no more pills.
sean and i are set to go to the food pantry tomorrow afternoon. maybe it'll be easier this time. and my sister is taking me out to dinner tomorrow night. prime rib. she is doing horribly. i wish that i could help her. but i don't feel like i can help anyone right now.

Posted by Lisa :: 6:46 PM :: 1 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
my new look

thanks to denise for the design and babs for putting it up. how do you like the new look? i think it suits me much better than the old generic page. i just love the drawing of the cats. made me think of art school and all the fun (and frustration) i had there. and working with pastels, you'd always get the dust up your nose. so that when you blew your nose, it was all pretty colors!
thanks again Denise and Babs!

Posted by Lisa :: 7:23 AM :: 5 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Tuesday, January 17, 2006 another day

woke up in the middle of the night after a crazy dream. stayed up for a while then went back to bed. didn't hear the alarm go off this morning, but knew that i'd overslept because it was light out. i'd only slept about and extra fifteen minutes. the nurse was an hour late. it was getting to be time for me to go see the squid. but she came in time so unfortunately i had to go.
it wasn't so bad this morning. i left ten minutes early.
the cats got tuna fish again, now they know that i'm god. boy are they going to be disappointed when they get regular cat food or nothing tomorrow. i have to work up my courage and tell sean this afternoon that i need milk and cat food.
the SS office. we're not going today. sean didn't call until after noon and we made plans to meet at the coffeehouse.(she is now buying my coffee and charging it to her work.) and tomorrow i have my pdoc appt. so we can't go until thursday, at least.
i was pulling into the driveway after seeing the squid this morning and i looked on my front porch and my shovel was gone. why, i was thinking, would someone steal a shovel. no doubt those dirty bastards who took the no parking sign. as i walked up to the door i realized that it had just blown over and was down on the floor. am i starting to think like talksalot? if so, heaven help me. or take me out back and shoot me.
if you haven't already, stop by babs' blog and offer some encouragement. she's in for a rough week. she's always there when we need her, now it's our turn to be there for her.

Posted by Lisa :: 1:18 PM :: 6 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Monday, January 16, 2006 nothing is coming to me

i'm cold and restless. and i really just want to crawl into bed, put in a good movie and relax. but i don't feel like i can do that.
okay, now i've taken all my nighttime pills just have to hang in there until they work. i'm glad that there are no razor blades in the house. or am i glad? i don't know. i don't know why i'm feeling this way. i wish that i didn't have to see the squid in the morning.but i cancelled the week before last because of the weather, i can't cancel again. wish i could just stop going. right now, i don't want to leave my house for anything. i want the nurse to come in the morning and to be able to go back to bed once she is gone. man, i hate feeling like this. the meds aren't helping yet to calm me down. it's taken me over an hour to write this much. i keep getting up and pacing around. aww, fuck it. i'm going to see what happens if i try to go to bed.

Posted by Lisa :: 8:51 PM :: 6 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
the cats think i'm god

ran out of cat food. knew that i'd gotten some tuna fish from the food pantry. expected it to be chunk light in oil or something gross like that. i rooted in the box to find it and it was Bumble Bee fancy albacore white tuna in water! all the cats had some, i think ella is still licking the can. it was wonderful to see them all within inches of each other eating away. they enjoyed it so much. thank you food panty.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:14 PM :: 2 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
email i received- a long post but worth it

Subject: Never hurts to be reminded

You may already have 3 or 5 copies of this from others, but I want to be sure those I care about have it. It's good advice. HG

======
Safety tips for Women (Or anyone, for that matter!)

We can now add to the list of victims the retired 77 yr. old TCU professor from Ft Worth whose body was found last week in Oklahoma--and the 11 yr. old in Sarasota, FL. Because of these recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation... This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know.

After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
a. If some! one is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at ! the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably ! in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked! d "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman! n said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.

Shannon LaForge
Courtroom Deputy to Judge Robert Junell
U.S. District Court for the Western District

Posted by Lisa :: 4:10 PM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
man, it's fu king cold!

i don't know what my weather pixie says but as i was letting the nurse in this morning i felt that horrible, biting cold. don't let the blue skies and sunshine fool you. okay my weather pixie says 12 degrees. but it's set for half an hour south from here.
talksalot called last night to thank me for walking over in the awful wind to drop off my condo fee check and she said that one of the no parking or parking for tenants only signs were gone. and she didn't think that it blew away. she thought someone took it and she had a pretty good idea who. meaning the owner who doesn't like her. she said that if she found out who it was she was going to call the police. over a sign. i realize the kind she got were kind of expensive, but come on.... so she said, if i saw any suspicious behavior to please let her know. i feel like i'm living in junior high school.
sounds like the Roos had to work today. i have no idea what either of them do. the duckings are gone too. i'm just enjoying the peace and quiet.
i went back to bed after the nurse came and woke up, looked at my watch and thought it was eight-thirty. it was ten-thirty. i can't read this watch for shit. and it's too big on my wrist. but it's the first hypo-allergenic watch i've found. all my other watches give me a rash. good ol' wallyworld.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:28 AM :: 1 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Sunday, January 15, 2006 boring day

three of the cats are upstairs on the bed taking naps. one is napping on the back of the chair down here. sometimes i wish i had a tv in the living room. there are times when i want to watch it or a dvd but i don't want to be upstairs in bed.
it's supposed to get down to 4 degrees tonight with a wind chill of -10 to -15. sounds lovely. it's already pretty cold and the wind is whipping up to 50 mph. two days ago, it was 50 degrees. ahhh New England. tomorrow, everything is going to be a slippery, icy mess.
i called my sister on thursday and she didn't answer. i think she was home, just not answering the phone. so i left a message for her to call or email me. i haven't heard anything from her (chuckie is snoring). i don't think that's a good sign. i don't think that she's getting out or talking to many people. it's easy enough to send an email. although i know that there have been times when i just couldn't deal with even that, so.... i may send her another email. although i don't know if she's even checking it. i have no idea how she's doing. bumblefuck will have tomorrow off too so i can't call her. she doesn't talk when he's around. about anything. you get yes and no answers. that's it.
i emailed my nephew. the one who was supposed to come over last weekend and never showed up. told him i wanted to make sure that everything was all right. he wrote back that he'd gotten busy. i don't think that either of my nephews like me much anymore. the older one used to come over for coffee and talk my ear off. now he always says he's busy. the younger one used to turn to me when things got rough and stop by to show me his latest car, motorcycle, whatever. none of that happens anymore. it doesn't feel so hot. and i know that if i bring the subject up to either of them, i'll get the same answer. been busy. and i know that the younger one really is. he's a plumber and he does a lot of work on the side. the older one? i don't know. busy with his computer. and he does go out with friends a lot on the weekends.
i was looking at my arm earlier. the more scarred up one. what i wouldn't give to erase those scars.

Posted by Lisa :: 1:09 PM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
I'm sorry....

i feel foolish having whined about my money problems when you all have your own. thank you for not telling me to shut up. :) thanks denise and babs for the suggestions. i don't have a land line just the cell. i could go down a notch on the cable modem. there are two choices. one is supposedly faster than the other. maybe a T3 rather than a T1. or it could all be a scam for all i know.
talksalot was just thoughtful. i didn't know the plow guy was here and she called and told me. which was a good thing because i was in bed with no intention of getting up.i had to floor it to get my car out of the driveway. yeah, we got some snow. it's hard to tell how much because the wind was really making it drift. but it seems like 5 inches or so. we weren't supposed to get that much. in some places it's like a foot deep. the wind was howling so much last night that in the middle of the night, i came down and went to sleep on the couch. you don't hear it so much on the first floor. it was starting to freak me out. lol
when i went to see the pdoc this past week, she said she wasn't making any changes. the nurse came this morning with changes. i don't know what the fuck is going on. decreased risperdal, decreased lamictal. i know that the pdoc didn't say anything about that. i'll have to wait until tuesday to see what's going on. sometimes, i don't think the nurses have a clue. re: the risperdal. the voices are gone and i like it that way. she wouldn't have decreased that without talking to me about it first. i'm really ticked at the nurse because i think it's her screw up. and i wish i didn't have to wait until tuesday. oh well, there's nothing that i can do about it right now.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:26 AM :: 4 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Saturday, January 14, 2006 it was a dark and stormy night...

actually it's not stormy but it is dark. and really foggy. we have a chance of thundershowers tonight. and some snow later on. they may have changed the forecast since i looked at it this morning.
the cats and i all had a good nap. it's so nice to wake up without lousy dreams klunking around in my head.
the Roos finally stopped banging on the wall earlier, though i thought jackiesue's suggestion was very, very good.
i'm depressed and hyper. what the hell kind of a combination is that? i just took some klonopin to try to slow things down. my mind is racing. and it is unpleasant. unpleasant, i say.
i'm over three hundred dollars in the hole at the bank and i have to pay my condo fees tomorrow. sean was supposed to see about getting me a loan for it, but she forgot. and i was too shy to bring it up. and i got a notice that they're going to cut off my modem. so that's going to put me more in the hole. i don't know how long they're going to allow me to have a negative balance in the bank. i'm not going to worry about that today. i don't know what i'd do without my modem. i don't give a shit about the television, i only get like seven channels anyway. but the modem. can't do without that. really can't. enough whining, i'm putting it out of mind for now. i think.
the klonopin is starting to kick in a little. i can feel my back relaxing, which means i'm not shaking so much.
enough about me. i'm boring myself...

Posted by Lisa :: 5:17 PM :: 4 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
it's raining.

it's pouring, my little cat is snoring.
it's supposed to rain all day then turn to snow. i hope we don't get too much snow. just a dusting would be good. it's a good day to stay in the house. and watch a movie.
i took all my pills this morning. didn't separate out the lamictal.
the Roos are over there making a hell of a lot of noise i like the weekdays when they're gone to work. now they're banging on the fucking wall.
what i wouldn't give for some poppers right about now. woe is me. i should've gotten the big package when sean took me shopping. but they'd be gone by now anyway. next time i get to go shopping i'm going to get some. STOP BANGING ON THE FUCKING WALL, ROOS!!! i'm going to kill them. hell, i don't even have a wiffle ball bat. how am i going to kill them? any suggestions would be welcome.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:01 AM :: 4 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Friday, January 13, 2006 not much to say today

i slept whenever i could today. called and left a message for sean early this morning that i wasn't up to going to the SS office. she called around noon and offered coffee. at first i said, no. that i just wanted to go back to bed. but then i changed my mind and she picked me up for coffee in town. and it actually tasted like coffee rather than brown water.
i'm really depressed today. i don't know why. well, when has there had to be a reason? fucking depression. i don't remember a day when it hasn't at least been lurking in one corner or another. before i got on these damned mood stabilizers. when i used to feel like i could do anything. i feel like these pills don't just take away the highs but keep me depressed. i don't want to take them anymore. i don't know if you can just go off lamictal or if it has to be gradually taken away. i feel like refusing it in the morning.

Posted by Lisa :: 9:06 PM :: 4 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
oh and...

I tag Spyder!

Posted by Lisa :: 7:51 PM :: 2 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
i was tagged

Four jobs you've had in your life:
1. Manager of a Schlotzsky's (Sandwich shop chain in TX)
2. Voice Mail Order Processor/Tech Support
3. Telecom Service Delivery Coordinator /Project Coordinator
4. Telecom Billing Analyst/ Fix mistakes of the Sales Engineer
(oh wait, those are Babs’ answers)

Four movies you could watch over and over:
1. Rear Window
2. A Christmas Story
3. The Musketeer
4.The Trouble with Harry

Four places you've lived:
1. Massachusetts
2. Massachusetts
3. Massachusetts
4. Massachusetts

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1.baseball
2.football
3.football
4.baseball

Four places you've been on vacation:
1. Bar Harbor, ME
2. New York City
3. Cooperstown, NY (home of the baseball hall of fame)
4. Hampton Beach, NH

Four websites you visit daily:
1. local weather site
2. cnn.com
3. my blog
4. my friends’ blogs

Four of your favorite foods:
1.jalapeno poppers
2. Pizza
3. Chocolate
4. green food

Four places you would rather be:
1. Dingle, Ireland
2. back in my old house
3. a log cabin in the woods (amazingly with internet access)
4. Windham Hill Inn (Vermont)

Four albums you can't live without:
1. The Beatles’ Abbey Road
2. Mary Black- the best of
3.Vivaldi-the four seasons
4. The Black Family - first alhum

Four magazines you read:
1.None-

Four cars you have owned:
1. Ford Fairmont (boring brown, painted cat prints all over it)
2. Dodge Omni
3. Honda Civic hatchback ( i loved that car)
4. Toyota Corolla

Posted by Lisa :: 7:50 PM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Wednesday, January 11, 2006 the food pantry

good grief, how to start.....i just don't know. so this will come out all scrambled, i'm sure.
sean picked me up and off we headed. when we got there, there was no place to park. finally found a space and sean did her version of parallel parking. which means that she goes back and forth a lot but somehow doesn't get any closer to the curb.
so we went in and it was packed. and the room wasn't very large. first you have to fill out a form. the most stupid question being why do you want food today? then you get a number and when you're number is called you go into this little back room to this lady with a computer. she asks for ID. asks you a few questions, gives you lots of paperwork and two little slips of paper and then you go back to the crowded room and wait for your number to be called again. when it is, you go up to the counter and the guy (very nice, they all seemed very nice) starts giving you choices. i got a small box and two bags full of food. even got a bag of potatoes. where would i be without my potatoes?
i was ready to leave about five times while we were there. if sean hadn't been with me, i absolutely would have left. and i had all i could do not to cry on the way home, thinking, i used to put cans of food in the little boxes at the grocery store and now look what i've come down to. it was a very humbling experience to say the least. okay, now i'm crying. things weren't supposed to turn out this way...

Posted by Lisa :: 6:43 PM :: 9 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
wednesday

yesterday i spent most of the day in bed. after my appt. with the squid, i just went up to bed, i got up to feed the cats, then went back to bed until i don't know when. sean was out sick yesterday so i didn't have to get up to meet her. if i didn't have appts. today, i'd be in bed.
i have a pdoc appt. tomorrow morning. tomorrow is the anniversary of my brother's death. i'm not looking forward to waking up in the morning. if the nurse didn't come, i'd stay in bed as late as possible. i haven't taken a shower in days and i just don't care.
sean is supposed to be here soon so that we can go get some food. i don't give a shit about that either.
i guess that's all the complaining that i've got to do. thank goodness, huh?

Posted by Lisa :: 11:50 AM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Monday, January 09, 2006 Phuck!

i couldn't find all of my bank statements. and of course, they had to be the important ones. so i worked up my nerve to go to the bank and i couldn't get them. they only have them back six months. i have to wait for them to mail them to me. and they cost five dollars each. and two dollars per item...i think that means per page. what a rip-off. so sean and i can't go to the SS office today. i've tried to reach her a couple of times, but just got her voicemail. i'd just as soon she didn't come then i could go back to bed. i'll try her one more time in a few minutes. damn, i didn't even ask the woman at the bank how long it usually takes to get the statements. damn.
took a nap this morning. i don't seem to dream when i nap during the day. it's only at night. maybe i should take to a napping schedule and skip the all night sleep. oh, hell, i take naps all the time anyway. and i still sleep most nights.
all four kitties are in the same room. i love that when they're all together. three of them are dozing, one is trying to get between me and the puter. i think she actually wants dinner, but it's a tad early for that. she's always ready to eat, especially since i started getting the Fancy Feast. as long as i get it at walmart, it's not too expensive. i still throw the 9 Lives at them from time to time. and i get the cheapest dry food. so it all works out.
Phuck. i couldn't reach sean. left a message this time. but she's supposed to be here in about ten minutes, so i expect that she didn't get it. i just don't want to see anyone today. i don't want to go for lousy coffee. who knows? maybe i can talk to her a little bit.
i have stupid squid therapy in the morning. i think it's just a waste of time. i don't know. i feel like i don't know anything. not sure of anything. everything feels upside down and backwards. i do know that if i couldn't blog, it would be worse. i've met so many wonderful people.

Posted by Lisa :: 12:15 PM :: 11 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
SS

i don't know how i'm going to make it there today. i've done nothing but cry since i got up at four. more bad dreams. not nightmares, just disturbing. yet i want to go back to sleep to avoid life. if i could just sleep without the dreams. why does being alive have to be so dreadful? so hard? i know that it's not always like that. i just can't seem to see past that right now. not really.
it'll get better again, eventually. i'm fed up with trying all of these drugs. i thought that the cymbalta was starting to work, but the past couple days i've been doubting it. i've been anxious and depressed. the two things that it's supposed to help with. i started to feel it on saturday. and it's just gotten worse.
it's funny. Apos left a comment this morning about not hearing me talk about self harm in quite a while. last night that's all i wanted to do. except i didn't have any band-aids.
it's finally starting to get light out. which brings me closer to the things that i have to do today. i don't know that i can listen to regular nurse babble on today. i don't think that i have the patience.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:07 AM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Sunday, January 08, 2006 fucking meds

some days i don't think that they do a damned thing. that it's all a big joke. i can't stop crying. i don'tknow what to do.
fucking meds.

Posted by Lisa :: 8:13 PM :: 2 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
awake again

woke up. tried to watch some of the Steelers/Bengals game. couldn't concentrate. couldn't sit still, or lie still as it was because the tv is in my bedroom. i had three of the cats on the bed. they couldn't concentrate either. they kept dozing off.
damn, i can smell the Roos dinner. and it doesn't smell good. i'm ready to stick tampons up my nose.
maybe i should watch a movie. that worked to calm me down yesterday. or maybe i'll just keep wandering around mumbling to myself....

Posted by Lisa :: 5:53 PM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
not much

not much to say really. been hiding in bed most of the weekend. did watch Rear Window yesterday. the old one, not the remake.
worried about tomorrow, going to the social security office. i can't find all my bank statements. that means that i'll have to have sean take me to the bank in the morning. more of her time, makes me feel bad. i should be able to get some cash out of the ATM, all the checks i wrote won't have cleared yet. at least i hope not. i'll be screwed if i can't get the bank statements. the only thing that, well not the only thing, i'm worried about is that i bought two computers. three if you count the one for my sister. i'm afraid they're going to say something about that. and i'm really worried that i'm going to have to wait a while for my SS check.
got another damned letter from talksalot. she left it in the door at least, instead of knocking. i don't remember what it said. guess i'll have to read it again. she needs a new ink cartridge.
my nephew never showed up yesterday. he was going to come by with my christmas present. i sent his home with my sister. he didn't call either. it's unlike him. usually when he says he's going to come by he does. and sometimes stays forever. it wears me out.
it's peaceful here. the Roos have gone out.
guess i found something to say afterall.

Posted by Lisa :: 1:15 PM :: 6 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Friday, January 06, 2006 got my Geodon

i was napping on the couch when the nurse knocked on the door. scared the begeezus out of me. wide awake! she got the geodon and some more cymbalta. just thought i'd let folks know.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:32 PM :: 5 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
coffee

went to coffee with sean. we got the lousy table right in front of the rest room. the coffee was actually good today.
we made a plan to go to the social security office monday morning. she asked if i wanted to make a regular grocery shopping trip every week. i confessed to her that i only had six dollars until i got a check. it was really embarrassing.she asked if i had gas in my car. yes, half a tank. did i have enough cigarettes. yep.(not really, but...). i told her that now would be a good time to quit. she said she thought that i could get the nicotine gum paid for. that would be wonderful. it's more expensive than the cigarettes. so when i turn into a wise ass you'll know the cigarettes ran out.
the cough is much better today. it didn't take as long as i thought it would to get better. doesn't feel like i'm coughing up half my insides anymore. yay!
i haven't heard anything from icky, stern nurse about my geodon. if i have to go without it for the whole weekend i'm afraid the voices are going to come back. and i don't know that i can take that right now.

Posted by Lisa :: 1:54 PM :: 4 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
just waiting for the nurse

she's later, which means it's going to be icky, stern nurse again today. and i think i have her this weekend too. damn. double damn. here she is......
she didn't stay too long. seemed like she was in a rush. told me i was out of geodon. great. the pharmacy didn't have a script on record. so if she gets some later today, she's coming back. eww. but i guess that's better than being without.
i paid my bills this morning and sent them out. i know something is going to bounce but i have "oops" protection on my checking account. they'll pass the checks but charge me $20 a piece for doing it. it's going to be the only way that i can pay my condo fee. i'm going to ask sean today if she will take me to the social security office next week so that i can bring them my bank statements. hopefully it won't take too long to get a check. i know i'm whining, but i'm really worried about it.
okay, mind on other things...
i'm meeting sean in about half an hour. then i'll be alone for the weekend. okay, having trouble not thinking depressing thoughts.
looked for diet cherry coke in the grocery store yesterday. they didn't have any. and it's a BIIIGGGGG store. saw one of those big packages of jalapeno poppers. they cost a lot. passed them by.
i know this cymbalta (or the Lion King drug as some of you know it as) is working to some extent. i'm not crying all the time. but i think it could be working better. i don't know if i'm at the full dose or not. oh wait a minute, i remember, she put me higher than the full dose. i've been depressed ever since i can remember and have had pain in my chest from anxiety attacks long before i knew what they were. oops, whining again. i guess i'll give up for now and try posting again later....

Posted by Lisa :: 8:17 AM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
potatoes and carrots and broccoli, oh my

sean came to pick me up this afternoon and she was on time!!!!!! we went to the really big Big Y (grocery store). it even has a little day care in there so that people can drop their kids off while they shop. i thought it would be fun in there but sean said that i had to push a carriage "like a big girl." drat! we got through the shopping without me having any major anxiety attack. and i now have food in the house. she bought a yogurt maker. have no idea how it works. on the way home, she asked me what i wanted to do tomorrow. thinking that i'd had enough excitement going shopping. i said coffee. she asked if i wanted to go to lunch. i said, coffee is good.
i got home in time to unpack my bags and have a smoke before i had to leave to meet my sister. my sister brought a package from my nephew and his girlfriend. she had hand-made a scarf (his girlfriend). it's really neat. not like any material i've seen before. and they gave me chocolates shaped like little coffee cups with froth inside. they must have gotten them while they were in Italy. my sister and i both had one. they're delicious. which reminds me that i left them in the trunk of my car. they're the kind of chocolate you wait for special occasions to pull out. they're very rich. i might bring sean one if i'm feeling generous. marsha would like them too but she's away for a couple of weeks. more for me!
we had a nice dinner. (prime rib for $7.99, can't beat it.) but the special is only good if you get a beverage. if you get water, you have to pay the full price. if you order a soda, you get the deal. silly.
my sister seemed in pretty good spirits. i guess she's staying with bumblefuck. she didn't come out and say it but i got that impression. and i didn't want to come out and ask her. and she did a pretty good job with her dinner. she's the only one that i know who orders french fries with prime rib. she didn't have a lot of fries but she ate all her meat. and some things from the salad bar. pickled beets. yuck! actually, i've never had them but they look gross. i've never had beets at all. i wouldn't even know how to cook one.
we left the restaurant and moved hers and the boys christmas presents from my trunk to hers. yes, i even got her dogs something.
i said she seemed in good spirits but just beneath the surface i could feel a lot of pain. or something. one of her sons has been staying there since before christmas. he was in the middle of changing jobs. now he's got an apt. lined up for the end of the month that is closer to where he works. i think she's really going to miss him. it showed on her face that she was sad about that.
and i know that she felt bad about not being able to do any christmas shopping. i remember how that feels. both because of money and because you can't get yourself out to do it. i wish that she could have a good time for a change. that good things could happen for her. she always seems to be going through something hard. i don't think she's been the same since our mother died. she wasn't particularly close to her. she did call her everyday (cause she knew i'd kick her ass if she didn't), but she worked only five mintues away and never stopped in to see her. i told her how much it would me to our mother for her to stop by, and she said, i know. she just couldn't/didn't want to deal with her. but once she got really sick, my sister was right there alongside me. for which i was and still am very grateful. i don't know what i would have done trying to be there all the time without someone to relieve me.
now i'm just babbling.

Posted by Lisa :: 12:44 AM :: 5 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Thursday, January 05, 2006 ella

she just erased my whole post and i can't get it back. i hate it when she comes up and sits on the keyboard. there was no recovering that post. don't know what she did with her butt. she drives me nuts.
icky, stern nurse is coming this morning. i thought she was here a little bit ago but it wasn't her car, just a look alike.
i hope she's not a pain in the ass this morning because i'm in no mood to take it. i've already singed my hair trying to light a cigarette from the stove. damned lighters always give out with no warning.
*hours later*
slept the morning away. still feel tired. nervous about going to the grocery store with sean. then to dinner with my sister. neither one of us can afford it, but i'll feel better knowing that she's getting a good meal. and i won't mind the prime rib that is a on special thursdays either. and i'll be able to unload all the christmas presents i have here for her and my nephews.
woke up at four o'clock this morning coughing my brains out and wet my pants. not just a little, a bladder full. off came everything and into the washer it went. normally i wouldn't do laundry at that hour but since the Roos don't seem to care what time they start making noise, i decided neither do i. fuck 'em.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:33 AM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Wednesday, January 04, 2006 cookies, trash and other delightful things

sean came over (an hour late, as i expected), and we took out the trash. icy out there. was so glad she didn't fall, i would have felt terrible. though i slipped and almost fell into the dumpster. that would have been lovely.
then we went to coffee and shared the driest cookie i've ever had. enough to make you choke. made the coffee taste better though. i couldn't fill my cup so sean had to help me again. it's so embarrassing to be shaking like that. i was shaking when i paid for the coffee and the more i was aware of it, the more i shook.just separating the two dollars out took me quite a few minutes. i hate that!!!!
turns out she can go to my pdoc appt. with me. i'm glad. i get nervous enough when she comes, never mind going alone. though the pdoc is really nice. she rubs my back every time i leave. she's just very sweet.
i have to figure out what to do about my bills. i think i should pay the condo fee first and then pay whatever i can on the other bills. i have to do it soon. i've been putting it off. and off. and off. they'll be no money left for food but i have a couple of gift certificates for Big Y.
i just took a klonopin and two seroquel. hopefully that will make me stop shaking. even my head was shaking when i was out with sean. she kept asking me if i was okay to drive (to the pdoc appt.) and i kept saying, yes. i guess i'd have been asking me too. it was good to see her. it has been more than a week.
oh, i got my inhaler this morning. the nurse brought it. i don't know why they insist on delivering it to the office. it's not exactly a controlled substance. it's just silly. and then when the nurse doesn't go to the office for a few days, i don't get it right away. maybe that's what's making me shake so much. not used to having it. if that's it, it should go away in a couple of days. in the meantime, it's going to drive me nuts.it's going to take a while for the cough to disappear too.
that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

Posted by Lisa :: 3:01 PM :: 5 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
have you ever had one of those days?

when from the time you wake up, you think of everything you've ever done wrong? everything you've ever done that hurt someone? all the ways in which you let people down? well that's been my day so far. and i got an early start. got up at five.
went out to the car to go get some cigarettes. the door was frozen shut. i thought i was going to break the door handle. finally got it open enough so that i could pry with my frosted fingers near the window and eventually it opened. i had a lot of shit to scrape off the car because i didn't clean it all off yesterday. couldn't get the windshield wipers free. it's supposed to be warmer and sunny today so maybe that'll help. i think sean is going to come over today so i won't need to use the car until late afternoon for my med appt. i like it when she comes with me, but i'd rather have her come over and got out to coffee since i haven't talked to her in so long. she called yesterday afternoon but i didn't pick up. i didn't pick up for anyone yesterday. i would have picked up for my sister but only her.
thanks for the tips on microwaving potatoes. i had one last night. i was afraid it was going to taste boiled, but it was good. especially with some broccoli. ya'll are saving me on my gas bill.
i want to say thank you to Clance for setting up the chat room. it's wonderful to have.
hope everyone has a good day.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:19 AM :: 4 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Tuesday, January 03, 2006 snow

my car is free! and i didn't have to shovel. the plow guy came and made a sweep in front of the car and it was enough for me to get out. i'm so glad that i didn't have to shovel because it's very heavy snow. now my whole drive way is clear, yay!!!!
i'm not sure how many inches we have so far. maybe six or so, judging from what i swept off the car. maybe eight. it snowed pretty hard last night. i'm trying to will it to Texas but i guess it's not working.
fucking plows. you get all the driveway all clean and then they go by and shove the snow right back there. at least they're plowing the street. sometimes they don't get to it till nighttime.
i canceled my appt. with the squid today. using the snow as an excuse.
haven't heard from sean so i guess she's not in the office today. she's from San Francisco. she's a wimp when it comes to snow. hopefully we'll at least be able to talk on the phone.
i'm hungry. going to rummage around for something to eat.

Posted by Lisa :: 9:48 AM :: 3 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
it's snowing

it's finally snowing. took a little nap and it started. sneaky bastid snow. can't tell how much is out there. it's the freezing rain that's going to be the problem. *coughs up a lung*
i think i woke up because oliver jumped down off the bed. at least i knew what time of day it was. now all the cats but boo are up. ella is trying to weasel her way between me and the keyboard. i gave her some half and half to bribe her to go away.
okay, talked with spyder for a while. now i'm back.
we just had a couple of brown outs. need to reset the modem. *twiddles thumbs* was just going to check the weather too.
i know why i just took a nap instead of sleeping more. forgot to take my pills. now taken. but it's after three. i'll have a hard time getting up in the morning. that half and half didn't last long. she's baaack.
okay, what's the difference between sleet and freezing rain?
i guess i won't be meeting sean tomorrow/today. now i'm wondering if i should go back to bed at all. ella is sitting on the router. it must be warm.
eh, i'm going to bed. but first i must know; how do you bake a potato in the microwave??

';

Posted by Lisa :: 12:37 AM :: 5 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Monday, January 02, 2006 just remembered

can't sleep in tomorrow. have an appt. with the squid. damn. i don't want to go. it was nice having last week off. maybe the weather will be such that one of us cancels. or she won't have a babysitter for her daughter if schools are closed. i don't know why i keep going there. i dread it. i don't talk about anything important.if the insurance wasn't paying for it and i had to, i wouldn't be going. not that i could afford it anyway, but if i could.
i have a potato baking in the oven. it's almost the size of a meatloaf. well, maybe not. but it's big. it was that or french bread pizzas with all the toppings. i kind of wish that i went with the pizzas. this potato is going to take forever to bake. and no more sour cream. but i like them with just butter. and i have some broccoli that i could cook. Babs was talking about poppers earlier. i could go for some of those. but then i'd have this baked potato that i couldn't eat. although i have eaten cold baked potatoes before. not a big thrill.
i know that i'm just writing drivel. i should be cleaning or going through my bills. i don't know how i'm going to pay my condo fee come the 15th. last year, i paid the whole year in advance. but i can't do that this year. i really wish that i could.
maybe tonight would be a good time to take my new coat out of the box it came in and try it on. sounds like i might need it tomorrow.
i can't believe that i've been here a whole year. still doesn't feel like home. that's never happened to me before. not that i've moved a shitload of times, but enough. and it never took this long to get adjusted. i guess because this feels so permanent. i feel kind of trapped. i always had a month to month lease. now i'm here for a long time. and i hate having neighbors on the other side of the wall. the walls are so thin. i don't want to hear a guy peeing when i go into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
i really hope that the worst of this storm holds off. i really want to see sean tomorrow. it's been a whole week.

Posted by Lisa :: 9:10 PM :: 2 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Colonel Mustard did it

well i did it again. went up for a nap. woke up at 5:30, thought it was morning. looked out the window, thought, boy those people get up early. i was excited that the snow hadn't started yet. thought i might get to meet with sean afterall. it wasn't until i opened the computer that i found out it was pm not am. d'oh!
it was supposed to start snowing at noon but none yet. obviously that means it's a slow-moving storm. which means more snow and freezing rain. damn.
the nurse set me up with my meds for tomorrow because of the storm. so that means that i get sleep if i can. i'm used to getting up at six-thirty, so i figure i'll wake up then. but i can always roll over on one of the cats and go back to sleep.
found some more old cough syrup. wonder if it's crunchy like the last batch. but this is just regular cough syrup- no codeine. rats!
i keep looking out the window to see if it's snowing yet. maybe if i skied i'd like snow more. and the more the better, i guess. can't picture myself on a snowmobile. and they don't clear off the pond for skating. last time i skated i fell on my ass about once every minute. my sister and i were holding onto each other but first i'd fall and she'd haul me back up, then two feet later, she'd fall and i'd haul her back up. we didn't stay long. i think the guy who was skating on the pond the other day was lucky that he didn't fall through. it hasn't been cold enough for the ice to be too thick.
i'm bored here tonight. could do some cleaning.....nah.....

Posted by Lisa :: 7:09 PM :: 2 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
major snowage

we're due for six inches to a foot of snow starting sometime today. i hadn't even brushed the snow off my car from the other day. but now i have and i went to the convenience store for a few thing. including Stouffer's french bread pizza. i love those.
i don't know why we have to have so much fucking snow. why can't it be a few inches at a time? and it's supposed to snow thursday too. i'm already sick of it and it's only the beginning of january.
yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my mother's funeral. the fuckin' funeral home screwed up in more ways than i want to remember. i got through the day by sleeping most of it away.
when i went out today, i backed into the driveway and suddenly i couldn't remember having unlocked the front door to the house. and i didn't have my phone with me. and i was trying to think of what the hell i was going home. got to the door, gingerly tried turning the knob and pushing and it opened!!!! i was so relieved i was thanking the idols of every religion i could think of.

Posted by Lisa :: 12:03 PM :: 5 comments

Post / Read Comments

0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0