coming and going

Thursday, June 29, 2006 happy happy, joy, joy!

the a/c is in the window and running.the barbarian and i put it in without dropping it into the driveway. the room looks so much bigger without the a/c on the floor. yipee! after we put the air conditioner in, we went over my finances. that was depressing. then we went to coffee, armed with my food stamp application. the cogentin isn't working yet, i kept drooling in the coffee shop. embarassing. and she had to fill my coffee cup for me. i was shaking too much. sometimes it's so frustrating. i hate asking people to do things like that.
oh, there's a nice breeze coming in. it's supposed to be in the ninties but not humid. all i had o do was getting my a/c in the window and humidity stops. such power i have. hmm..to use for good or for evil. i can't seem to wake up this morning. i keep typing things that don't make sense. good thing i read it over.
i have an appt. with mr. fake sideburns this burns. if i could call him, i'd reschedule. i really feel out of it. or maybe that's the way to go see him. he won't be so annoying if i'm in a fog. i've got to leave in twenty minutes. fuckdamn.

Posted by Lisa :: 10:07 AM :: 5 comments

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006 arghhh!!!

talksalot was just here. now she's next door. the woman literally gives me chest pains. i was trying very hard to pay attention to what she was saying, but the only information that i came away with was that the stray cat isn't. he has a home. and i'm glad i didn't let him in because i saw him spray the bushes outside. they've taken to calling him Boo. i don't know if that's his real name of if one of the condo owners thought of it.
the barbarian came today. we went for nachos at one of the few restaurants in town. i was wondering why she hadn't phoned to confirm the time. she said she tried to call. apparently they shut my phone off. cranky cingular people. there's a message saying something like, this phone is not currently accepting calls. so grace oh, that's the squid, how could i have slipped? the squid won't be able to get through tomorrow or friday. hopefully i can pay what i owe on saturday morning and they'll be able to get it right back working.
the barbarian said that she was going to be my worker for a while. she didn't say how long. and i didn't ask who would be after her. we're going to meet twice a week. wed and friday.except for this week. she's coming tomorrow morning and we're going to put the a/c in the window. then we'll probably go to coffee.
h and i met for coffee this afternoon. he was late and he tried to call four times and got that cranky message. i didn't have my watch on so i didn't know how late he was. i figured i'd drink my iced coffee and if he didn't arrive by the time i was done, i'd head home. but he showed up eventually. he even asked about my sister. didn't ask about me. i tried to talk to him about sean on the phone one night and he clearly wasn't interested in any of it. still it was good to see him and give him a big hug.
he tried to get my hood open but i think he broke it more. but i was grateful for the trying. i'm going to have to take it to the garage. fuckdamn.
duckman is finally moving his soggy cord of firewood out of his driveway. man, everything that man does is in slow motion.
and duck lady is taking a waddle with the dog. i have to stop looking out the windows so much. i drive myself nuts watching these people. why do i do it?
cripes, i just got an email from talksalot. it's the phone number list of all the owners. she made a word document instead of just putting alll five of them in an email. she's a nut. plain and simple. i'm telling you, chest pains.

Posted by Lisa :: 5:20 PM :: 1 comments

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Tuesday, June 27, 2006 condo meeting over

it wasn't so bad. but i did commit myself to going to the bbq. i said i'd bring potato salad. it was a moment of weakness.
met the new owner. young woman, very nice. and i even remember her name, which is a big deal with me. i usually remember someone's name for about ten seconds.
the meeting was pretty short. would have been shorter if talksalot hadn't kept repeating herself. she's so damned important, you know.
i don't believe that i commited myself to that damned cook out. maybe if i get a badminton set..... yeah, and keep hitting talksalot over the head repeatedly until the strings break. i'm a lousy neighbor. i just want to mind my own business and have no one bother me.
talked to h. we're meeting for coffee tomorrow after i see marsha.
my oil light in the car keeps flashing but the latch on the inside of the car isn't working. maybe he can get the hood open so i can at least put some oil in there.otherwise i'll have to go to a garage. and i don't need another bill, thank you.

Posted by Lisa :: 8:21 PM :: 4 comments

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last chance

i agreed to let the squid try to call sean tomorrow. it's the squid's day off. so she'll be easier to reach. there's this little speck of hope that i can't seem to get rid of. i'm just torturing myself.
got that damned condo meeting tonight. hope i don't lose it and start screaming obscenities. or throwing fruit. i can picture a watermelon bouncing off of talksalot's head. and the Roos pelted with cherries until they learn how to close a door without slamming it. aw, they're damned lucky i don't have any fruit.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:31 AM :: 1 comments

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Monday, June 26, 2006 finally accepting

after a number of weeks, i think i've finally decided to accept that sean isn't going to call. that i'm never going to see her again. it hurts.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:04 PM :: 6 comments

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the living dead

that's what i feel like. the squid just called to check on me. she said my voice was so much better, she could actually hear me.
i had rosemary for a nurse this morning. she's very nice. she's one of those people who can call you "hon' and it doesn't bother you. she's a grammar school nurse. i was asleep when she came and i didn't know what day it was. she was reminding me to get my bloodwork done and i said, that's monday. she informed me that it was monday. i was all confused.
i think i slept through the night. that never happens. and i didn't wet the bed, yay!
the coughing helps clear my lungs but sometimes i get so that i can't stop and that's when i wet myself. besides just peeing in my sleep. i'm sure the doctor would give me something but i don't want to go there. who does? my doctor is very nice, but still i don't want to go. i always feel stupid at the doctor's. like i'm not sick enough to be there. i used to have a doctor who would prescribe over the phone. but i don't think they do that anymore. they want the money for the office visit.
i broke down and wrote a bad check at the grocery store. i just couldn't face a week of pasta and rice. i got some tortillas,salsa, cheese, creamer, fudgesicles, coffee. i got all the things to make mac and cheese except the boxes of mac and cheese. i got solid white tuna for a dollar. some mayo to mix with it. i'll get a service charge from the store and from the bank. but there's nothing i can do about that. i can't believe that i forgot the mac and cheese mix. duh. i knew i should have made a list. i probably would have forgotten it anyway.
i feel kind of weird today.can't quite pin down what it is.like i'm waiting for something to happen, but i don't know what. i don't have anywhere else i have to go. i feel like i'm forgetting something. i'm nervous and anxious. oh, prns! prns swallowed. they should help within half an hour. maybe i should start chewing them so they'll work faster.

Posted by Lisa :: 8:41 AM :: 2 comments

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Sunday, June 25, 2006 sunday report

went to lunch with my sister. had a much too large cheeseburger. couldn't finish it. she seems good. kind of like they're pretending that nothing happened. i don't think i'd be able to do that. but they've been together for something like 17 years and i guess if that's the way they deal with things....
the cross breeze is bringing litter box fumes. must scoop. there was hardly anything in there. i got two scoops. but the urine/ammonia smell just comes out in this weather, which by the way, is rainy and humid.
i keep hearing planes from the AFB and thinking it's thunder. i just figured it out. they must all be leaving after the air show.
i've never been in an airplane. i'd like to. there's a little airport in town (when i say 'in town", i mean the next town over. this town is more like an alcove) where you can get rides. i'd like to do that one day. the house wasn't too far from the airport and you could watch the parachuters. gosh, i miss the old neighborhood. that reminds me of some weird dreams i had last night. one was that h and i were going to meet to go for a walk in a cemetery. coffee/cemetery. close. and some other weird shit that i can only remember pieces of.
i'm wondering who i'm going to end up with as a nurse this week while regular nurse is on her cruise. marsha said that, whoever it is, not to expect them as early. i hate waiting around for the nurse, not knowing when she's coming even if i have nothing else to do. i like to know when they're going to come. i get nervous waiting. i always think that if i go in to pee, that'll be the exact moment they'll come.
my mind is all over the place. and i'm having an anxiety attack. just took a couple of seroquel. i sit here miserable and forget that the meds are there.doh!
okay, starting to calm down. nice pills. it's been half an hour. and there's just a little pinch in my chest. almost gone.
cripes, sometimes it sounds like the roos are bodychecking each other over there. we've got a blasted condo meeting on tuesday evening. supposed to be short. just about what property insurance company we're going to use. i don't know anything about that stuff. when i took over the house, i just went with the same one my mother used. never even read the policy. smart, huh? i'm sure it was underinsured. the value of the property went way up several years ago and i don't know if the insurance compensated for that. but, lucky me, now i just have to vote, i don't have to take care of it myself. talksalot, cripes, talksalot will deal with it. the control freak that she is.
okay, i've literally babbled for long enough.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:12 PM :: 2 comments

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Saturday, June 24, 2006 yet another day

slept most of the day. my sister called and asked if we could do lunch tomorrow instead of today. fine with me. don't feel like going out.
i was trying to give my weather pixie the benefit of the doubt, but like Babs', it lies. there is no way that it's only 76 here.
they had an air show at the AFB. every time a plane goes over, one of my sister's dogs goes flying outside and barks his head off. he must have been fun today. running out there every five minutes. i doubt that she got much rest. i heard a lot of planes yesterday. they must have been coming in for the air show. slept through it all today. i hate hearing military planes going over. makes me nervous.
we're supposed to get some heavy rain. there's a flood watch in effect. wish i could send some of it down to you, babs and jackiesue. maybe if i blow real hard. although i'd hate to take away js's fun in doing her naked rain dance. and i'm sure her neighbors would be disappointed as well.
okay, guess what i got? no. nope. no, guess again. still no. okay, i'll tell you. it's a chocolate fondue thingie that works like a fountain. a very good friend sent it to me. i can't wait to try it out. i think i'll try covering strawberries first. in about a week, i'll let you know how it went.
i'm sleepy but everytime i lie down, i get restless. don't quite know what to do with myself. could clean the house. hahahahahahaha i crack myself up.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:31 PM :: 2 comments

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Thursday, June 22, 2006 not finished...

ranting about the asshole. how can he be so mean. why doesn't he act his age? he's 50 for crissake. he's never going to grow up. i just want five minutes with a baseball bat. i'll start at his knees and work my way up.
i was telling h last night that i was afraid they'd get to the ceremony and the dumbass wouldn't say "i do," i guess that's the way that it could be worse. man, i don't know how much she's going to take before she finally gives up on him. i don't think she's even sure.
just got a call form Pam (barbarian's replacement this week) we're going to meet for coffee after my appt. with the pdoc tomorrow. this will my first appt with the pdoc that sean hasn't accompanied me in about a year. i'm afraid i'm going to forget things and get things muddled up. i know that i can write things down. i think i will or i'm sure to forget things. it's like i check my brain at the door when i walk into her office. that's where sean is helpful. she brings her brain into the office.
marsha thinks that once some time has passed, i'll find out what happened to sean. i'm not as optimistic.
the whole situation sucks.
back to the fucktard. i just don't understand how someone can act that way. i'll never understand. guess i might as well give up trying. i hope he does get his someday. and i hope he gets it good.

Posted by Lisa :: 3:20 PM :: 3 comments

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guess what?

it looks like there's going to be no wedding this evening. big surprise, huh? the fucktard left a few nasty messages on my sister's cell phone. i really don't believe what a son-of-a-bitch he is. i told her that he was never going to change and she agreed with me. she sounded good for the morning she's had. she's working and apparently he's sitting at home not answering his cell or the house phone. she left him a message about not having the balls to say that he didn't want to get married. i really hoped that he could go through with this instead of hurting her again. i'm so pissed off i want to rip his head off. actually i want a BBgun and a clear shot of his testicles. he's such an asshat. i don't know why she stays with him. he's always been emotionally abusive. but, unfortunately, she loves him. what a fucking asshole.WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!
Sorry, Irish temper showing.
anyway.....that's the update from here.
hope y'all are having better days.

Posted by Lisa :: 10:35 AM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, June 21, 2006 tomorrow, ughh

i want to go to this wedding about as much as ..as much as....well, something yucky.
i've got to remember to charge the battery and empty the card in my camera. i'll have to dig out the tripod so that i don't ruin all the photos by shaking.
i'd like a lime popsicle. or a fudgesicle. haven't had one of those in forever. come the first of the month, i'll get one or the other or maybe both. the juice pops are the best.
is today the first day of summer? or was that yesterday? if i had my damned calendar up, i'd know. doh!
marsha and i talked a little bit about sean this afternoon. she suggested writing her a letter. she's seeing mr. drawonsideburns tomorrow and is going to ask him if i sent a letter to DMH if it would get to her. i don't know what i'd say that wouldn't make her feel guilty. i don't know what to do. maybe i should just leave things alone. sorry for going into this again. someone said to forget about her calling. that she'd just been doing her job and now she's moved on. maybe that's the case regardless of what she said.
back to thinking about tomorrow. i really dread going to this wedding. i know that's horrible but i can't help it. he's not going to be any kinder to her because there's a ring on her finger.
i'm all over the place tonight. i'm just going to post this before i keep rambling.

Posted by Lisa :: 6:02 PM :: 1 comments

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006 S.O.S.

help! i can't stop playing with the nose hair plucker that tiny sent around. it's addictive. i think i'm going to have to go into detox. i've heard of addicted to porn, but addicted to plucking? this is bad. so sad.
off to the regular doctor today. blech. it's too fucking hot. i'll get all washed up and then by the time i get there, i'll be a sweating mess again. i should have gotten the a/c in the car fixed last year when i had the money but i kept procrastinating. and pretty soon it was fall and i didn't need it anymore. now, i need it.
got something from the pdoc to control my drooling. hasn't kicked in yet. supposed to take a couple of days.
i just cancelled my drs. appt. just don't feel up to it and my voice is basically back to normal anyway. the other things, well i guess i'll just live with them and hope that they go away. i'm just not up to going back out today. especially when it's so sticky out. like some huge monster with a giant tongue is waiting on the other side of the door and if you go out there you'll stick to his tongue like flies to fly paper. well, that's a wonderful image. sorry.
i hope it's not this sticky on thursday. the temp is supposed to go down. around 85. a breeze would be nice. just a cool little breeze. nothing to blow over the cows. yes, my sister lives next to a farm. farmer bob. may the breeze not be from the direction of the cows.
fucktard better say, i do. i have this horrible thought of him backing out. i'd have to kill him. i'm trying not to think about it.
got a great word from tiny. "asshat." that's someone with their head up their ass. you probably figured that out. i had to ask.
i'm off to pluck some nosehairs.

Posted by Lisa :: 9:25 AM :: 3 comments

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Monday, June 19, 2006 quiz

it's all right. it's only one question. does anyone else out there get chills when it's really hot?
we just had a little bit of a thunderstorm but it didn't really cool it off. strange about thunderstorms. when i was renting, i loved thunderstorms, but the minute i was a homeowner, now condo owner, i don't enjoy them. i spend the whole time saying, please don't hit the house. lightning, please don't hit the house. even though it was a short storm, Boo was scared. she was right up against my leg, then decided to run upstairs and go under the bed. i wonder if i would fit under there, just for future reference. i prolly could with the bricks under it.
i'm going to the doctor tomorrow about my voice and i'm going to tell him AGAIN about coughing and peeing and coughing til i vomit. and he's going to give me some good cough syrup, dammit. i've tried over the counter ones and they just don't last long enough and i got the "'long acting" kind.
now that i have both doors open, there's a nice breeze. i'm still glowing (sweating) though.
talksalot has scheduled a meeting for thursday and awwww i can't make it. wedding and all. it's going to be a joy to call her and tell her i can't make it.hahahahahahahahaaaaa and she's planning a cook out which i will decline the invitation to. had i known that buying a condo would be like this. i might have looked at a smaller house instead. then i wouldn't be forced to socialize with my neighbors. i want to socialize with neighbors because i like them not just because they're neighbors. i miss my old neighbor, Liz. she was a great neighbor.the kind of neighbor you could just suddenly go get ice cream with. she was the kind of neighbor who'd bring you cookies at christmas time. and we met the old fashioned way. a spring storm took down part of the huge tree in her side yard, we happened to have a dumpster so i went over and asked if she wanted to put her branches in the dumpster. she was so grateful. then we started greeting each other and talking when we were both outside. ta-da! good neighbor!

Posted by Lisa :: 7:22 PM :: 1 comments

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Sunday, June 18, 2006 the wedding plans

just got back from my sister's and ate my half of the cantaloupe. wasn't very tasty. i was disappointed.
only one of my nephews will be able to make it to the wedding, the other has to work overtime. i can't even afford to get them a gift. i'll be scrounging to buy them a card.
oh, people just drove up and are getting into the duck's pool. it's feckin' hot out there. in the nineties. my sister said it's 95. it's not bad in here. i left the door to the backporch open when i left the house because chuckie was out there. but the sun started to creep around and she came in and threw herself on the floor so i closed the door. it was letting in some hot air.
so i saw my nephew at my sister's and do you think i remembered to ask him about putting the a/c in the window? of course not. now he's at a friends house and i don't want to bother him. his birthday is tuesday, turning 30! yep, i feel old. anyway, maybe i'll be able to see him then. though i think he has to work overtime all week. someone is on vacation.
the swimmers just left wrapped in their towels. damn them.
i do wish i had my a/c in. if not for me, then for the cats. ella just went out, though i wasn't sure she should in this heat. i'll check for her soon.
yes, i'm just rambing on. guess that means it's time to wrap it up. hope everyone found some joy in the day.

Posted by Lisa :: 2:43 PM :: 3 comments

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Saturday, June 17, 2006 Arrgggghhh!

i can't get my email. something screwy at the server end. i hate that. always feel like i'm missing something.
it's mac and cheese for dinner tonight. whoopie! better than nothing. i'm actually looking forward to it. thinking of taking a nap before then.
took a nap. wet the couch. it's the fucking clozaril. never had any problem like this before. h called. he's having a really hard time. thought it was pretty funny that my couch is all wet. former lovers are pretty supportive about those kind of things. at least he didn't offer to bring me some Depends.
(saturday)

(now sunday morning)
slept in, then went back to bed for a nap.
i can get my email today. yay! i hate not being able to. always feel like i'm missing something.
just called my sister and got the fucktard. she's out grocery shopping. i never did go over to cut the cantaloupe yesterday. hoping to do it today. it's pretty damned ripe.
obviously, i don't have much to say. i think i'll lie down until my sister calls.

Posted by Lisa :: 2:25 PM :: 1 comments

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the wedding

my sister is getting married thursday evening. i have nothing to wear, of course. the ceremony is in their backyard. i wish they had a pool instead of a hot tub. it's supposed to be freakin' hot this week.
the sale on one of the condos just went through earlier in the week and the people are already moving in. it always cracks me up when people choose to use their cars rather than rent a truck. a hundred little trips instead of one or two. big things tied to the roof. back seats full, trunk wide open. maybe they can't afford a truck but you'd think if they just bought a condo, they'd have fifty bucks to rent a truck. ah well... another thing that is none of my business. there's just so little entertainment around here.
omg, chuckie just used the litterbox. be right back. managed to scoop it out without passing out. my feat for the day. chuckie is the only smelly one. don't know why. she eats mostly dry food. occasionally she'll have some canned but not often at all. "smelly cat, smelly cat." (i forget the rest of the words.)
i'm going to my sister's to cut my cantaloupe. all my big knives are still packed away. and tiny didn't think my swiss army knife would do a very good job. i tend to agree with her. the cantaloupe is almost the size of a bowling ball. ten pin. i confess, i have bowling trophies from when i was a kid. softball trophies too. i love softball. and a dictionary for winning a spelling bee. why do they give a dictionary to the winner? shouldn't they be passing them out to the losers? just one more thing that i don't understand.

Posted by Lisa :: 8:19 AM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, June 14, 2006 i can do it

just had the last cigarette that finances will allow. i can quit. not that i particularly want to but being broke is the perfect opportunity. boy am i going to be a bitch. so if i rant every single day, that's the reason.
just came from seeing marsha. who insists that i go back to the "you have laryngitis" doctor. because it's lasting so long. i told her that i was spitting on convenience clerks. she's going to call the med clinic and try to get me some cogentin. that's supposed to work on the side effects of the clozaril. the drooling, the stiff joints. oh, another med, just what i need. but i prefer swallowing another pill to spitting at people. though the spitting can be fun at times.
it's humid here, yuck! it feels more like July. it's supposed to be in the 90s on monday. this is not normal for june. i don't want it. especially since my a/c is still on the floor of the living room. maybe i can get some help putting it in this weekend. my nephew seems always busy when i invite him over. but he is a helpful little guy if i can wrangle him.
goody. it's raining. that's breaking up some of the choking humidity. there's even a little breeze.
oh how nice, a breeze. just enough to tell me that it's time to change the litter box. not a poopy smell, just a stale smell. i tried the walmart brand of cat litter and i'm not impressed. it doesn't clump all that well. and it doesn't absorb odors at all. thus the stale smell, when i just scooped it out this morning.
okay, scooped it out again. now the breeze is a bit fresher.

Posted by Lisa :: 8:33 PM :: 5 comments

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made it

went to the food pantry with the barbarian. it wasn't crowded at all. it was all right. didn't feel like bolting. even got a cantaloupe there. i have no idea where my large knives are. i don't know if my swiss army knife is going to do the job. i might have to go on an expediton to find the knives. an expedition, oh boy! wow! how exciting! wonder if i'll find dinosaur bones...
i see marsha this afternoon. i was supposed to see her yesterday but the meds didn't come in in time.
anyway, now i have food in the house. corn flakes, tuna, cheese, cottage cheese ( i wonder how it came to be called that.)
i keep thinking of h and how hurt he must feel. i zipped off an email to him this morning. just letting him know that i'm here if he wants to talk. i guess that's the only thing that i can do. i keep picturing him in the cramped little guest room at his dad's. at least he has wireless up there. so he can prop himself up in bed and get on line. and his cell phone works up there. it didn't at his ex-fiancee's. he must feel like shit. strange, i lose sean and he loses cindy. granted,him losing cindy is a bigger deal. he had a life planned with her. they were putting together on of those houses that come in two pieces. he sent me some pics. it looked nice. i've always wondered how you put those together.
okay, i guess i have to go meet marsha...

Posted by Lisa :: 1:09 PM :: 3 comments

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006 the ducks

this evening, not only am i treated to the scene of ducklady waddling along with her dog, but duckman is out roaming around. he does everything in slow motion. it's painful to watch. so why do i watch. obviously i have no life. i think the dog is the only normal one of the ducks. now here's ducklady's mother. spry old thing. she must be in her seventies. mows her own lawn, does her own shoveling. always out walking her little dog.
i've come to the conclusion that i'm not going to hear from sean. it's been a couple of weeks since she said she wouldn't bail on me, but she has. somehow i have to accept that. two years, then, nothing. that's just wrong. it's mean.
there's a chance that i'm going to have icky, stern nurse in the morning. regular nurse doesn't feel well. i swear if she mentions anything about housekeeping, i'm going to bitch slap her. i don't even know what that means exactly. but i like the way it sounds.
i think i'd be crawling into bed if oliver and ella weren't outside. i don't want to leave them out all night. oh, they both just came in. magic!
now i don't want to go to bed. i want to talk to someone. but i don't know who.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:12 PM :: 2 comments

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another tuesday

saw the squid. sean never called her back. i don't know what's going on. so what else is new?
the squid is going to continue to call me every morning for a check in.
i see marsha this afternoon. maybe i'll be able to talk to her. geez, i can never talk to anyone. it's easier over the phone. i can write things on the blog that i could never say to a person sitting across from me.
the barbarian is going to take me to the food pantry tomorrow. i've been eating mayonnaise sandwiches. not so bad. i like mayo. i don't know how it's going to go. i'm usually ready to bolt with sean there. i don't know how i'll be with the barbarian.
i'll probably run screaming from the building. it's such a small area with so many people. i wish sean could take me. but i can't cancel. i need the food. i have 96 cents in my bank account. i just hope the bag of cat food will hold out. they're used to having the dry food to munch on. got plenty of canned food still.
i saw my sister yesterday. she looks so much better. she's gained a little weight. must be those prime rib dinners. :)
i forgot to ask when the wedding would be. how could i forget that? i was a little out of sorts yesterday. i'll blame it on that.
on the drive to her house, there was a tractor trailer behind me. and i thought of just slamming on the brakes. but i don't want anyone else to get hurt. i've been thinking of stuff like that less lately. i think the clozaril is doing its job. i keep hearing how clozaril has changed people's lives. i don't feel much different. of course,it's hard to judge with sean bailing. how much of it is me and how much is the situation. i wish i could just stay at home in my bed. in the dark. i think tonight is good for watching Chocolat. even if the Depp's irish accent comes and goes. or maybe Benny and Joon. i love that movie. but i probably won't watch anything. i just don't have the attention span.

Posted by Lisa :: 9:07 AM :: 2 comments

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Sunday, June 11, 2006 good news

h's father has been in the hosptial with an infection and he's going home tomorrow. i didn't get to see him but i just got off the phone with his girlfriend and she said that he cried when she brought up me going to see him because he knows how hard it would be for me. he's really a sweet man. took me a while to take to him. he's a bit eccentric. the first time i went there for dinner (the first time i met him), he had his dog in a highchair at the table. he was feeding the dog off his fork. that took me aback a bit. the second time i was there, he was smoking pot and exhaling into the dogs mouth. that took me aback more than a little. i thought it was mean. wrong. i still think so.
his girlfriend asked about sean. i couldn't even talk about it.
we also talked about h and his anger. she's the first person who's acknowledged to me that they see it. my sister calls him controlling. she keeps saying that his fiancee doesn't know what she's getting herself into. he is controlling and passive-aggresive. but he's also sweet and thoughtful if you give him a nudge or two.
how did i get on all that shit? so sorry.
i wonder if my sister is married yet. haven't talked to her all week. i just called and left her a message.
well, i just got a phone call from H saying that his fiancee dumped him. sounded like some of the same issues that we had. he was trying so hard not to cry on the phone. i felt bad for him. it happened suddenly. i felt so bad for him. i said that already.it looks like he's going to be staying with his father for a while. he has no money for rent. he pays for an office and a storefront and he can't control when his costumers pay him.
(written yesterday)

talked to my sister a bit ago. she sounds so much better now that she's back working. wish that would work for me but i'd just end up panicking and in tears. or too afraid to show up in the first place.
man, i just keep thinking of things sean and i were going to do together. i just can't get the reality through my thick skull.
anybody know what the difference between a pond and a lake is? we have a pond here in town. not sure exactly how big it is. going to have to look on the map. years ago, a friend of mine, who had a small pond in her backyard, was swimming it and an otter popped up right in front of her face. scared the hell out of her. don't know how it came to be in her pond. we're not near the ocean or anything. i don't remember if they relocated it or if they just let it live out there. there were plenty of fish for him to eat. i imagine he'd be fun to play with.
there i go, changing tenses again....
must be time to wrap it up.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:01 PM :: 1 comments

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new day, old shit

same old crap. missing sean, not wanting to go out. though i have to go to the nurses office this afternoon for a check in. and i have no food in the house so i'd at least have to go to the convenience store. tried to take a nap. didn't happen. so i'm making more COFFEE. that should bring me just a twinge of glee.
oh joy, oh joy! the COFFEE tastes good. iced, of course. it's a lot warmer outside than it is in here. i kept the house closed up now the doors are open and it's getting warmer. that explains the ducks cleaning their pool. i wonder if i gave them five bucks each time i used the pool if they would go for that. could make for an expensive summer. maybe i'll get one of those sprinkers they have for kids and run around under it. talksalot has a kiddie pool. one of those hard plastic ones. i guess that's an option. but i want to go under water. that's hard in four inches of water in a pool too small to stretch out in. swimming just doesn't work in those conditions. i'm sure that talksalot would let me borrow her pool though without the five dollars.
oh geez, there's an older guy walking down the street who really should have a shirt on. my living room is perfect. i can see out just fine but no one can see in.
oh dear, apparently chuckie just used the litter box. excuse me a moment...... situation contained.
i don't know what made me think of it, but i'm thinking about the bitch who bought the house. and how i could have gotten more for it if i'd gone with a different, more experienced real estate agent. thinking of that is no use to me now.
i keep dropping things. have i said that already? my hand twitches and then i drop whatever is in it. i'm going to have to talk to the pdoc about that. i dropped a cigarette the other day and that scared me. and i keep dropping water bottles. whatever is in my hand. i looked up the side effects of the clozaril and it didn't list that. but leave it to me to have some weird side effect. i think i'll call the med clinic tomorrow and see if i can talk to the pdoc. i know they have a pill to control the drooling and for the stiff muscles. i don't know if it would work on the "dropsies."
i have to go to the nurses' office in about half an hour. i'm glad it's not going to be nurse no name. it's going to be rosemary again. she's pretty cool. we always find something to laugh about. then it's back to regular nurse in the morning.
the squid comes back this week. i'll see her on tuesday. i'm kind of relieved. someone who knows the situation and i can talk to about it. or try to talk to. she and marsha are the only ones who seem to realize how crushing this is. i think i see marsha on tuesday too. maybe i should make sure of that tomorrow. don't want to show up if she's not going to be there.
time to leave. not looking forward to going.

Posted by Lisa :: 12:27 PM :: 3 comments

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Saturday, June 10, 2006 dammit

i know you're all tired of hearing about this. but i keep thinking sean is coming back. like she's on vacation or something. i can't accept that she's gone for good. it just won't sink in. and i'm afraid of what's going to happen when it does sink in.
okay, enough of that. it's too depressing
i'm going to see H's father tomorrow. i'm bringing him the bunny suicide books. he'll get a kick out of them. i'd go this evening but all i want to do is sleep. i'm forcing myself to stay awake so that i'll sleep tonight. and i don't feel up to the drive.
it's only about 35 or 40 minutes but that seems like too far tonight. plus i don't really want to run into H and his fiancee. i don't know if that will be uncomfortable or not. i don't think so. but you never know.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:11 PM :: 2 comments

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Friday, June 09, 2006 nurse no name

just got back from the nurses' office. i was picking up pills for tonight and over the weekend. there was no one available to see me this morning. so i'm sitting on the pathetic chair/couch and this man comes out with my med box. never seen him before. i follow him wordlessly into the meeting room. then he starts talking and it's evident that he has no idea what he's supposed to be doing i could have told him anything. he finally figured out what he was supposed to be doing, after i told him three times. he set up my meds. and i thanked him and left. he never did introduce himself.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:18 PM :: 2 comments

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Thursday, June 08, 2006 this better count

since blogger is so slow, i should make the most of this entry.
met the barbarian for coffee this afternoon. i didn't kick the shit out of her. trying not to blame her for what happened to sean. she could probably beat the shit out of me anyway.
i wish i would hear from sean. i think i need her to tell me she's gone for it to really sink in. to realize that she's never coming back. i'd just like to be able to talk with her. i feel so fuckin' alone.
so much for this post counting. i don't know what to say.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:22 PM :: 5 comments

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Wednesday, June 07, 2006 is anyone else...

experiencing blogger as slow as a constipated snail?
it's rainy and gloomy out there today. suits my mood.
every day that goes by, it sinks in more and more that i'm not going to be seeing sean anymore. it really stinks.
my pdoc called this morning to see how i was doing. she heard about sean and wanted to make sure that i'd make it to my next appt. without her. she asked if there was anything i needed and made me promise that i'd call her with any problems.
the barbarian just called. i made a plan to meet with her tomorrow afternoon. i'm not sure why. she's all right but she's still the enemy- management.
oh fuck, this is hard. i don't think they know what a blow this is to sean's clients. dumbasses.
i was going to go see h's father in the hospital today, but i'm just not up to it. i'll call him later.
i have to go to the nurses office because regular nurse didn't have all my meds this morning.i have to get the clozaril. i don't feel like going. but if i miss two night's worth of it, they have to start all over with it. i don't' want that. it's taken this long to get near the recommended dosage.
boy, this day sucks.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:50 AM :: 3 comments

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wed. 1:30 am

went to sleep for a while. now i'm pretty much wide awake took a couple of extra sleeping pills and when i first woke up i was doing all these weird things. like reaching for the cat dish thinking it was a roll of toilet paper. it didn't take long to go away.
i thought they would help me sleep through the night no dice. woke up three hours after i went to sleep.don't feel rested at all. i don't know if i'll be able to go back to sleep.
h's father is in the hospital. he has a very bad infection in his arm. his girlfriend called not long after i took the extra pills i was asleep but it woke me up enough so that i at least listened to the message. i do beileve that i was talking back to the message wondering why she didn't seem to be responding to me. then i fully woke up and went to read the email. which wasn't an email, but the voicemail. i was all screwed up. fortunately she sent me an email before she went to bed. and i figured things out. does any of this make sense?
anyway, i'm going to go see him tomorrow. well, i guess that would be today actually.
i'm going to try and get some more sleep

Posted by Lisa :: 12:29 AM :: 2 comments

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006 tuesday

no squid today she's on vacation. i am going to see marsha this afternoon. otherwise, i'd be taking a nap now. but i'm afraid the alarm won't wake me. it often doesn't. even though it's loud as hell. they can probably hear it next door. ask me if i care.
i still haven't heard back from the barbarian after leaving her a message yesterday morning. returning her call, actually. though i'm not ready to see another worker yet, i do want to know if i'll have any say in whom i see. i imagine they'll be hiring someone to replace sean. i still would like to know what the hell happened. guess i'll have to deal with just wondering.
wish the barbarian would call so that i could get some answers. i don't want to be paired with just anyone. ~sigh~
this wasn't supposed to happen. there were things we were going to do together. things she was going to help me with.
this whole situation sucks.

Posted by Lisa :: 12:36 PM :: 1 comments

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Sunday, June 04, 2006 lost more weight

the good thing about going to the dr. was that they weighed me and i've lost more weight.
my voice is coming back. the cats can no longer point and laugh.
it still hasn't sunk in that sean isn't going to be around anymore. they'll no longer be a reason to stay up in the mornings after the nurse comes. i imagine i'm going to be doing a lot of sleeping.
i hope that i'll have some say in who i'll be seeing instead of sean. there's one woman, pam, whom i know a little bit.she's very hyper but i like her. sean was the opposite of hyper. very laid back. god, i'm going to miss her. damn. why did this have to happen? i'd come to trust her. not something that comes easily to me. at all. it took me almost two years to trust her. the starting over with someone else, i don't look forward to it. i'd like to kick the ass of the person who caused this. seriously. i wonder if sean will be able to keep her word about not bailing on me. probably not. she's no doubt forbidden to have contact with any of her former clients.
i talked to my sister this morning. well noontime. she doesn't have her schedule for next week yet. she's going to get it tomorrow and we might go to dinner on a day she has off. hopefully it will be thursday, prime rib night. i think i'm going to get a pizza tonight. my fridge contains tortillas, salsa and carrots. interesting combination.
my trash smells. sean would have helped me get it out to the dumpster last week. i just don't feel brave enough to get it out right now. i'll do it tomorrow while people are at work.
i'm going to see marsha this afternoon. i think i can talk to her about sean. just because the squid is away, i feel that i need to talk to her. she'll be gone all this week and call me a week from tomorrow. and i'll see her the next day. she's the only one who seems to get what a big deal losing sean is. the barbarian acted like it was nothing. sometimes people can be so clueless.

Posted by Lisa :: 12:07 PM :: 4 comments

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Friday, June 02, 2006 that was a close one

a guy from the cable company just came to my door for a payment. i imagine he was going to turn it off if i couldn't give him one. i forgot all about it. i didn't pay last month. i saw him pull up and assumed he was here to shut it off. it's nice that they give you one last chance to pay. the guy was really nice too. a cutie if i was ten years younger. although he had a moustache and a beard. i'm sick of facial hair. haven't been with a guy without facial hair in like fifteen years. enough already.
so glad the kid didn't shut off my cable. i don't watch tv. but i'd be lost without my modem.
i don't think that it's really sunk in about sean. besides the initial hysterics, no emotion. i keep thinking of things that i want to do with her. things i want to tell her. then i remember that she's not going to be there anymore. and i confuse myself.
the barbarian respected the message that i left her this morning about needing some time, not wanting to meet with anyone for a while. she didn't call and try to talk me out of it.
i tried to sleep the day away but it's too humid. plus i wet my pants again last night. oh yeah, i went to the doctor and he told me that i have a severe case of laryngitis. for this i went to the doctor? i told him that i was waking up coughing and wetting myself. he wasn't impressed. didn't offer any pointers to make that not happen. i hoped that he would give me a pill for incontinece. no dice. marsha's going to be thrilled-NOT, that that's all he had to say. i see her sunday afternoon. and i see rosemary saturday afternoon. rosemary is nice. we always find something to laugh about. and i think i'm going to see marsha on monday and tuesday. but i'm not sure about monday. i'll find out sunday. blah, blah, blah, blah...
i don't know that i'll have any say in who my new social worker is. i'm kind of nervous about that. sean and i had so much in common. fuck it all. this was really harsh.

Posted by Lisa :: 3:49 PM :: 5 comments

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Thursday, June 01, 2006 it happened

sean is gone. she was offered a new position in the same agency and took. she's not going to be an outreach worker anymore. the son-of-a-bitch manager called me. he told me that she was given permission to write letters to her clients saying goodbye. i held it together while i was on the phone with him, then hung up and broke down. i called the squid and marsha right away. leaving messages. i was a wreck. the squid called me right back. all i could do was cry. i just got off the phone with marsha. she was very sweet. she also insisted on calling the doctor because i still don't have my voice back. i'm going in a couple of hours.
i can't believe this has happened. meeting someone almost every day for two years and then poof, she's gone. i'm glad that she got another job and didn't have to leave the agency. that's very good for her. but it sure sucks for me and the rest of her clients.
all i want to do is say fuck about a million times.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:57 AM :: 4 comments

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