Thursday, March 30, 2006
a little bit better
the receptionist from sean's office called today and said that sean wasn't in but that she would call me tomorrow. that was okay as i was thinking about cancelling anyway.
i'm in a little bit better of a place today than i was yesterday. i don't want to cut today. not so far, at least. i slept most of the morning. the increased clozaril didn't smack me upside the head like i thought it was going to, which is good. i thought i'd be in a coma this morning. but i wasn't. i slept on the couch. now there's a drool spot on my pillow. i have big fluffy pillows on my couch.
the longer i'm awake, the more depressed i get. i'm not even sure what anti-depressant i'm on now. oh, cymbalta.
i just ordered some poppers. if my stomach stops growling, maybe i can go back to sleep.
i'd like to ride my exercise bike today. i'd like to do a lot of things today. but i'm not going to get them done.
it's a beautiful day. i have the door to the porch open but all the cats are sleeping inside.
i haven't taken a shower in four days. you know that's not a good sign. i just want to feel better. i just want to be normal. sad when there's something to be sad about. happy when there's something to be happy about. i'm sick of all this. i've been dealing with it ever since i was a little kid and i'm fed up. i just want to be like..the "normal" people.not hide in my house all the time. i've got a nice bike (needs new tire tubes) that i could be riding around the neighborhood. but i'm too afraid to do that. i'm too afraid to take a walk in the sun. i could walk down to the pond but it's just too much. if i was smart, i'd get a fishing permit and a pole but i don't actually like to catch fish. i'd just let them go. it seems like a mean sport to me. i just like being out there with a pole in my hand. the poor fish struggle for their lives.
everything seems upside down and at the age of 39, i wonder if i'll ever find a mate. i'm not going to find one hiding inside my condo. and frankly, mean seem to disgust me from the waist down. i look at faces and i love to check out guys but the idea of having sex with them disgusts me. i don't know if it's the medications or what. ~slurp~ sorry had to catch some drool.
i'm really glad that i didn't have to go out today. sean and i were supposed to go to wallyworld. i need rods for my closets.
okay, i've written enough. i'll probably write some more later as i don't know what else to do to stay sane right now.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:00 PM ::
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