Wednesday, March 29, 2006
life sucks
that's the thought of the day.voices galore today. i called marsha and told her that i wouldn't be going into town to meet her. that it wasn't one of my better days. she asked if there was anything she could do. i suggested taking me out back and shooting me but she didn't go for that. said it was not an option or something silly like that. i've always wondered why mercy killing is limited to physically sick individuals. we, with mental illnesses suffer as much, just in a different way. when you've been dealing with it for as long as you can remember, why shouldn't you have the option of an overdose of morphine? there's no cure, only bandaids. which haven't worked terribly well so far.
sean and i took out the trash and went to have coffee. on the way home, she asked if i was okay. i said, pretty much. she asked if i had something on my mind. i said, no. she said, you've been very quiet today. she asked if i was having trouble with voices. yeppers. asked me if i'd eaten anything today. nope. she said i have to eat. asked if i could order something in. i told her, maybe later.
i have this big pile of bills that i need to get to. just can't get myself to do it. i stand around listening to the voices and smoking cigarettes. last night i was ready to drive to hamp to get some razor blades. it was around midnight and all the stores here were closed. i went to bed instead. a good decision. it's on my mind a lot today. even when i was with sean i was thinking of going to cvs to get blades.
on a good note. i was able to get my own coffee today. the place we go to here in town just gives you the empty cups, then they have a row of carafes so you can help yourself. usually sean has to help me but today i did it myself. i think the clozaril has helped with the shaking. tonight i double the dose. i wonder if i'll be able to get up in the morning. i got up this morning then sat on the couch and snoozed until regular nurse knocked at the door. then took a nap until i had to get up for sean to arrive. she said that she had some books for me but she forgot them. i didn't even ask what they were. she said she even put a note on her door but still forgot them. sounds like me. tomorrow we're going to wallyworld to get all the stuff i forgot to put on my list last time. more pillows to help with the drooling which should be in full force tonight after the increase in the clozaril. it doesn't even phase me anymore. i wake up with my face on a cold wet pillowcase and i don't even move.
it's warm here. in the sixties. i have the back door to the porch open and ella is enjoying a sunbath. by friday, it's supposed to be in the lower seventies. maybe spring really is here. i still don't trust that there won't be one more big snow storm. it's New England after all. never know what to expect.
i'm drinking beer in the hopes of quieting the voices. i know, not the best choice. but sometimes it quiets them down.
regular nurse was talking about going on a cruise this morning. never asked how i was. she was filling my pill box and talking away. sometimes when she does that she screws up. but all my pills are right today.
everything is so overwhelming right now. simple things. life sucks.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:32 PM ::
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