Saturday, March 18, 2006
me be nervous
it's one of those evenings. i've taken my pills but they haven't seemed to help much. i'm nervous as hell and i don't know why. i hate this. i wish tomorrow was monday. then i'd be seeing sean. at least it would be something to break up my thoughts. force me to get out of the house. years ago, when i couldn't sleep i'd just get in the car and drive. i'd be out there at 2 in the morning going nowhere in particular. now driving makes me nervous. i don't have much gas anyway. if i could take one of the kitties with me.....but they don't like to travel.
i know that i should call a friend just to get me out of this rut of thoughts but i don't feel very sociable. the idea of having to keep up my end of the conversation just depresses me further. i don't know what to do. i know what i want to do but that wouldn't solve anything. at least i have cigarettes. i'd be going nuts without them.
i want my sister to come home. i think she'll be here tomorrow. i hope she had a good time. i just want her here, just in case. i keep thinking that she's going to be killed on the highway on the way home. i hate it when my thoughts go places like that. but once the thought is there, i can't get rid of it. not until i know that she's home safely.
sometimes, i don't think these pills do a goddamned thing. i'd give a lot for thorazine right now. just to put me totally out.
part of me feels as though i should be in the hospital to be safe. but i've thought of ways to kill myself while in the hospital so i guess it really doesn't matter.
well, isn't this an uplifting post?
Posted by Lisa ::
7:50 PM ::
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