Friday, February 24, 2006
no title
too difficult to come up with a title sometimes.
it's been windy as hell here today. gusts to....i don't know, but it was windy. usually i don't hear it too too much on the first floor but it was getting kind of scary. it has died down now. it's no longer shaking the whole damned house.
i cancelled on sean today. i just didn't have it in me to go into town. i took a nap instead, and felt better when i woke up. maybe watching the Olympics in the wee hours wasn't such a good idea after all. talked to sean on the phone for a little bit. well, by talked, i mean she tried to pry stuff out of me and i wasn't very cooperative. she asked me if i'd been crying and i'm answering her: no (sniff, sniff) she got me a pdoc appt. for monday afternoon. what i want to tell the pdoc is that i'm sick of all this shit. just take me out back and shoot me. it'll be a mercy killing. the judge will go easy on her. it would be good if the judge was bipolar and in a depressive phase. then she'd just get a slap on the wrist.
but.....i don't suppose she'll be willing to do that. even if she does bring firearms to work. so, what other ideas do i have? she's supposed to be the one with ideas. and ideas that work! i'm not expecting magic. but we've been working away at this with meds for almost twenty years. i've had my good periods and my bad periods. this is the second longest period i've had when it was depression, plain and simple. since i moved. even if i could have one whole day that was good. but i get pieces of days. which is better than nothing, i know that. but i'd like to crawl into bed one night, tired from the day and be able to say, thank you, this was a good day. i know that i have to make more of an effort. taking endless naps is not going to help make a good day. and i know that i have to get out and see people more. just writing that gave me a scared feeling. that feeling in the middle of your chest when everything just tightens up. okay, that's why i don't get out more. the last time that i really went out for a whole evening was almost two years ago. i went to a Mary Black concert. i was uncomfortable but had taken some prns so that i wouldn't panic. it went alright. i met sean just after that. and i thought it was so weird that she had gone to the same concert. we do have a lot in common. maybe that's what keeps us from killing each other when we see each other almost every day.
this is the time of day when my allergy spray stops working. i feel like i need to blow my nose every five minutes but it's fruitless. it's all clogged up in my sinuses.
oh, and no check today, again. i'm hoping that it will come tomorrow. of course if it does, it'll be too late to do anything with it. the banks will be closed. one disadvantage to being on the last leg of a mail carriers route.
i wish i could stop having these stinking dreams. not too bad during naps, guess i don't get into that REM mode. but at night they're relentless. every fucking night. no wonder i never feel rested in the morning.
so i guess i'm done whining and complaining. thank you for tuning in....
Posted by Lisa ::
5:44 PM ::
1 comments
Post / Read Comments
0oOo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
