coming and going


Wednesday, July 05, 2006 cheeseburgers,potato salad and beer, oh my

as expected, h was an hour late. but he helped make dinner. i never used to let him help when we together. it's not that he's a bad cook, i just figured that he'd worked all day, i could at least make dinner. but actually the few times that i did let him help, it was more fun. and it was nice to have him help last night. even though the only thing we were doing was making cheeseburgers. he sliced the cheese and the tomatoes. and after the burgers he got up to get us some potato salad.
i didn't end up cleaning the house and he didn't faint. he actually said that it was impressive that i got the pile on the coffee table so high without it falling apart. i took that as a compliment. :)
we both had a couple of beers. i think it relaxed him. and he was laughing which was good to hear. his ex said that he couldn't come around for two weeks. he still has things there. i don't know what the two weeks is all about. neither does he. he should be able to go get his things. he's gone from being crushed to being angry and crushed. i'm glad the anger is there.
better than feeling destroyed. i've never had anyone dump me so i can listen but i can't truly understand. he gave me a long hug before he left. i think he really needed one. and it was good to see him.
we didn't end up using the chocolate fountain. we were stuffed after dinner. and i think you have to have more than a couple of people to really make it worth it. it takes an awful lot of chocolate. i had purchased five big cadbury milk chocolate bars. i got strawberries and marshmallows. no, not sleep, real marshmallows.
i think the clozaril is helping. i'm not thinking about suicide every day. i'm not cutting as much.the days are up and down. okay one day, terribly depressed the next. i know that i should get out more but i'm content here drinking diet cherry coke.
h did help me take out my trash. he was glad to. he really has a good heart. he's just so angry. hopefully the therapist will help him with that. i'm just glad that i don't have to put up with the anger on a daily basis anymore. never knew what his mood was going to be. he'd go in the morning to take a shower and he'd come out totally pissed off. the best thing was to avoid him. so i'd go into the bathroom once he was out and stay in there until he left. sad. i could tell from downstairs the way he walked down the hall what kind of mood he was in. so i knew when i should go up and hide in the bathroom.
i'm glad we're able to be friends. when we were together, every time he got ticked off i thought it was my fault. now i know that that wasn't the case. it's easier to be with him and when he gets angry, i know that it's not my fault. it's still difficult to be with him when he's angry, but again it's easier knowing that it's not my fault. even when it looks like his head is going to explode. which happens often.
i didn't plan to write so much.
if you're still here, thank you for "listening."

Posted by Lisa :: 6:21 AM :: 3 comments

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