Wednesday, April 26, 2006
pdoc appointment
sean just called and she got me a pdoc appt. for this afternoon. she had barely dropped me off from having coffee and going to the grocers when she called. she's going to come get me.
at the grocer's i got some POPPERS!!! i think that will be tonight's dinner. i haven't had any in a while. i'll be more careful cooking them this time so that all the cheese doesn't end up on the foil. they exploded last time. i almost forgot to get any. sean asked me if i wanted ice cream and for some reason that made me think of them. go figure.
i don't know what i'm going to tell the pdoc. i was doing better for a while. then the bottom just fell out. i feel hopeless and i hate myself. worthless. i wish i could just pack my bags and leave myself behind. i used to think that if i just moved far away things would be better. i don't think that anymore. i know better now. no matter where i go i'm going to be the same.
people thought i was going to be less depressed after i got out of the house, selling it. but i got here and i think i've been more depressed overall. i really miss the old neighborhood. i don't know this neighborhood at all. what i should do is take my bike downtown and get some new tubes put on and start riding around the neighborhood. but i feel so vulnerable outside. i feel like i'm being watched. i know that i'm not but that thought keeps coming to mind. when i was living with H., i became obsessed with the idea that he had hidden a camera in the house. why would he do that? i have no idea. finally i asked him and he said, no. and i mostly believed him. i stopped being obsessed with the thought and went to only thinking about it sometimes. i was so sick then. i've certainly gotten better. and i'm grateful. but it's still hard. back then, i was having blackouts. large periods of time that i just couldn't remember. looking back, i don't know how i made it through. so i guess the current medication is helping. just not as much as i'd like it to.
one day at a time is all i can do. or part of one day, sometimes.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:11 AM ::
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