Tuesday, April 25, 2006
fuckity fuck fuck fuck FUCK
fuck.
went to coffee with sean. the coffee was weak, always a disappointment. we went here in town where there is only one place other than Dunkin' Donuts to get coffee. tomorrow we'll meet in hamp and go to the good coffee place.
sean's going to call the med clinic and see if she can get me a sooner appt. the voices were almost gone now they've flared up again. and there's no reason for it. this is all very frustrating. i'm still depressed, still want to cut. still feel like i should keep the copy of my will in an obvious place. all i could think about yesterday was dying. i thought seeing sean today would lighten my mood but it didn't. and i cancelled seeing marsha. when i got up this morning i wanted to cancel everything. the squid, sean and marsha. and just crawl back into bed. okay, i'm whiny. we know that now. i'm not even depressed about anything in particular. but we all know how that works. you just get depressed. no apparent reason. i think if i got off my ass and did some things around here it would help. but again, we all know that is much easier said than done. the depression sucks everything out of you. anybody ever read The Never-Ending Story? with the nothingness taking over? that's what it's like.
i just talked to marsha. she's so sweet. she said she was going to call the pdoc.she's also going to have Emergency Services give me a call. not that i can really talk to anyone there. not sure why i agreed. desperation i guess. i want to go to CVS and get blades and just start cutting. fuck. i know it would make me feel better.
i hate the view out my front windows. ducklady and her driveway. maybe i should get some mini-blinds for these windows and move what i have upstairs. but i like that the light comes through these and keeps me hidden. i can watch without anyone having a clue. it's just that what i'm watching is depressing. not like Rear Window. nothing good like a murder.
mini blinds get dusty, what i have now doesn't.and they go so well with the furniture. blah, blah, blah......
i just took out the trash all by myself. god, it seemed like a long walk. but i did it.
i don't know what i was thinking agreeing to Emergency Services calling me. i'm an idiot. they get involved and before you know it you're in the hospital. if i tell them what i'm really thinking that's where i'll end up. i have to be careful what i say to them. fuck me. why did i agree to that?
duck lady, across the street, backs into her driveway every day. and every day she's bad at it. takes her three or four tries. she never gets any better at it. how is that possible? when i back into my driveway, it takes one shot. that's it. must be a duck thing.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:22 PM ::
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