coming and going


Tuesday, February 28, 2006 marshmallow

just got up from a nice marshmallow. i had one short disturbing dream that i can barely remember. it was, of course, about my mother. the most disturbing ones seem to be. and that darned house. i feel like i should go to confession. "bless me Father, for i have sinned. it has been 10,430.000 days since my last confession. i sold my mother's house." and he'd say the same things everyone else has said. i did all i could to keep it but i just didn't have the means. my brain knows that. so why am i constantly haunted by my dreams? i wanted to talk to the squid about them today, but it just wouldn't come out of my mouth. i'm so afraid to show any weakness in there.
i sent H's father a belated birthday ecard. he wrote back that he'd eaten over a quart of delicious rice pudding on his birthday. i thought that was pretty funny. after all these years, i can never remember when his birthday is, and i still don't know. i just know that i missed it. my palm pilot used to keep track of all that information. then i let the batteries run out. a real no-no. i lost all the information on it. and my old iBook where the information was kept went wonky so i lost the information on there too. so i'm pretty clueless. i remember a few birthdays but hell i even forgot mine the year before last. it took a birthday call for me to remember.
it's cold out there tonight....wait a minute....it's about 8 degrees. i worry that there isn't enough room in the shelters for all the people who have no home. we have a whole homeless community who live down in "the meadows", just on the edge of farmland. tents, fires in barrels, the whole thing. there but for the grace of god.
i've had to resort to the emergency cat litter. it's clay, non-clumping and it's terrible. i just scooped it out and there's so much dust in the air. the cats don't like it, i don't like it. hopefully on thursday i'll be able to get the good kind. sean is going to take me shopping on thursday assuming i get a check tomorrow. probably even if i don't get a check, she'll take me shopping.
we went to the coffee place here in town today and i was having trouble keeping track of what she said. the voices were loud. she was the one who was reading the paper. i was just looking at the pictures.
oh, hurrah. the first woman was elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame! that's pretty exciting. i'd love to go back there. i was just a kid when i went.
i don't know how long it's going to take to get started on the Clozaril. i had my blood drawn today. by a "student." i was a little leary but she did a good job. i didn't even feel the needle going in. i have to wait for the pdoc to get the results and then i guess i can start on it. i'm a little afraid of this drug.but if it's going to help, i'd just as soon get started on it as soon as possible. hopefully before the weekend. Denise offered to make me bibs to take care of the drooling.LOL after seeing her work on templates, i'd like a bib from Denise. and i could wear it around the house, ripping it off whenever someone came to the door. and drooling on them. that would make talksalot leave me alone.
the bursitis in my hip is acting up. must be all this cold.
sean asked me today if i wanted to go to the greenhouse at Smith. i said maybe, or rather she said maybe and i nodded my head. i think i want to go. it'll be nice to go into a warm place and see all the incredible flowers they have in there. the last time i went my allergies went crazy but this time i have the flonase and might take some dayquil as well. yeah, it's a plan, we're going.it's great having so many colleges in this area. there's always something going on. not that i tend to take advantage of them all but....Smith also has a great museum. sean and i have talked about going there. they redid it a couple of years ago. they have a lot of nice pieces in there. nothing like MoMa or anything. but really nice just the same. Kandinsky, O'Keeffe, Pollack, and Mark what's-his-name, etc.
anyway, can you tell that i'm just at the babbling point here? oh, who cares, you can stop reading whenever you want to, i'm just going to babble along. ah, i changed my mind, i'm going to tend to email and then read some blogs...

Posted by Lisa :: 11:12 PM :: 4 comments

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six months

i stil can't over that the pdoc said that the change completely over to the Clozaril is going to take six months. that's a bloody long time. that's how long i'm supposed to hold out for. it's rather discouraging. but i've held on this long. what the fuck is another six months? i guess.
sean talked to Mr. Goodwanker yesterday. he said i should be getting a check for march, which would come tomorrow. and i should also be expecting a check for a couple thousand in retro benefits. a check better come tomorrow! i'm down to 90 cents. literaly. the march check is not going to cover what i owe the bank.
saw the squid today. she asked me about the suicidal thoughts. i told her that we could talk about something else. she didn't push. good thing for her. i'd have picked on her hair or something.
sean came to get me for coffee early this afternoon. the coffee wasn't bad. we read the newspaper. i told her that i felt better than yesterday. which i do. but i know it won't last. i mean i feel better, not like i'm going to take on the world or anything, but being out of the house was okay. okay, here comes the mail carrier. does she have a nice blue envelope for me? nope.shit, there goes the dream of having something for dinner other than rice. shit. i guess i can get through one more day of eating that.

Posted by Lisa :: 3:40 PM :: 3 comments

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Monday, February 27, 2006 drooling

went to the pdoc today. just got back a little while ago, actually. and i got free parking while i was there. love to find a meter that still has time on it. feel like i'm making money. anyway, she's decided to switch meds. she's slowly going to cut out the geodon, seroquel and risperdal. and start me on clozaril. the only thing i really know about this drug is that it makes people drool a lot. and it can cause weight gain. great, from now on, i'm going to be a drooling fat person. over the weekend, the voices got worse. and i was feeling very suicidal. especially saturday night. i slept most of yesterday trying not to cut or hurt myself and of course had those horrid dreams. this clozaril is supposed to take the voices away and help with the suicidal thoughts. and make me drool, did i mention that? unfortunately, it has to be increased slowly and the other anti-psychotic need to be reduced slowly. sean asked what amount of time we were looking at and karen said six months. how the hell am i going to take another six months of this? it getting better for a while then come crashing down all around me again.
i'm going to have to have weekly blood work done for a while because it can affect your white cell count. lower it. mine is always high like i'm fighting off an infection. i don't know why it's high, no one seems to know why. so anyway, back to the drooling drug. i looked it up online. got a little information. it's supposed to help you get your thoughts clear, help you get your life back from the voices and suicidal thoughts. i had started saving up my meds again. though i realized that not taking them just makes me feel worse. i have some saved up. not enough to do anything with. i've been taking them the way i am supposed to the past couple of days. i feel like i'm babbling all over the place. it's hard to concentrate. she's reducing the lamictal (the mood stabilizer) to help with my concentration. i feel like i'm in a fog a lot of the time, especially today. and i get up to do something in the kitchen and forget once i get there what i was going to do. except for feeding the cats, they're kind enough to remind me. man, pretty soon i'll be drooling all over my keyboard. i don't suppose the AppleCare will cover any damage done by that. i have no idea what i've already said.
oh, sean said that mr. goodwanker called her back, said that he had been on vacation and now has gotten the paperwork in. damned asshole. you'd think that after looking through my bank statements and seeing that i had a negative balance, he'd have taken care of that before his vacation. the jackass. she's trying to reach him again to see how long it should take for the checks. i've been thinking everyday that they might come. stupid me. didn't know the idiot was sitting around scratching himself for a week. grrrrrrr.....

Posted by Lisa :: 3:18 PM :: 2 comments

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Saturday, February 25, 2006 my plan

my mind is messy, so bear with me.
i tried out my plan of only sleeping two or three hours at a time.it worked to keep the bad dreams away but i'm very tired. the only dream i can remember was about my refrigerator. it hasn't seemed to be keeping things as cold as it should, so i had this dream that there was a separate control for things on the door. i know, very exciting. but better than those other dreams. i'll take a stupid refrigerator dream over those any day. so, so far my plan has worked. can i keep it up? i don't know. i hope so. being tired is better than being haunted.

Posted by Lisa :: 5:59 PM :: 4 comments

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Friday, February 24, 2006 the dreams

i'm thinking of a new system to get rid of those damned dreams. when i go to bed at night, i'm going to set my alarm for a couple of hours. get up for a few minutes, then set the alarm for another couple of hours....and so on. i figure if i can avoid getting into that deep sleep the dreams will go away. i just can't take them anymore. i can't. they stick in my head all day and then it's another night filled with them. the only problem is that sometimes i don't hear my alarm. it plays The Waltz of Flowers very loudly. i don't know what the Roos would think about it at two a.m. or every two hours for that matter. it's loud enough that i'm sure they'd hear it next door. although whether it would be loud enough to wake them, i don't know. should i care? i don't know that either. they don't seem to care how much noise they make. but they don't make noise in the middle of the night. so what should i do?

Posted by Lisa :: 8:09 PM :: 6 comments

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no title

too difficult to come up with a title sometimes.
it's been windy as hell here today. gusts to....i don't know, but it was windy. usually i don't hear it too too much on the first floor but it was getting kind of scary. it has died down now. it's no longer shaking the whole damned house.
i cancelled on sean today. i just didn't have it in me to go into town. i took a nap instead, and felt better when i woke up. maybe watching the Olympics in the wee hours wasn't such a good idea after all. talked to sean on the phone for a little bit. well, by talked, i mean she tried to pry stuff out of me and i wasn't very cooperative. she asked me if i'd been crying and i'm answering her: no (sniff, sniff) she got me a pdoc appt. for monday afternoon. what i want to tell the pdoc is that i'm sick of all this shit. just take me out back and shoot me. it'll be a mercy killing. the judge will go easy on her. it would be good if the judge was bipolar and in a depressive phase. then she'd just get a slap on the wrist.
but.....i don't suppose she'll be willing to do that. even if she does bring firearms to work. so, what other ideas do i have? she's supposed to be the one with ideas. and ideas that work! i'm not expecting magic. but we've been working away at this with meds for almost twenty years. i've had my good periods and my bad periods. this is the second longest period i've had when it was depression, plain and simple. since i moved. even if i could have one whole day that was good. but i get pieces of days. which is better than nothing, i know that. but i'd like to crawl into bed one night, tired from the day and be able to say, thank you, this was a good day. i know that i have to make more of an effort. taking endless naps is not going to help make a good day. and i know that i have to get out and see people more. just writing that gave me a scared feeling. that feeling in the middle of your chest when everything just tightens up. okay, that's why i don't get out more. the last time that i really went out for a whole evening was almost two years ago. i went to a Mary Black concert. i was uncomfortable but had taken some prns so that i wouldn't panic. it went alright. i met sean just after that. and i thought it was so weird that she had gone to the same concert. we do have a lot in common. maybe that's what keeps us from killing each other when we see each other almost every day.
this is the time of day when my allergy spray stops working. i feel like i need to blow my nose every five minutes but it's fruitless. it's all clogged up in my sinuses.
oh, and no check today, again. i'm hoping that it will come tomorrow. of course if it does, it'll be too late to do anything with it. the banks will be closed. one disadvantage to being on the last leg of a mail carriers route.
i wish i could stop having these stinking dreams. not too bad during naps, guess i don't get into that REM mode. but at night they're relentless. every fucking night. no wonder i never feel rested in the morning.
so i guess i'm done whining and complaining. thank you for tuning in....

Posted by Lisa :: 5:44 PM :: 1 comments

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finally...

i watched some of the Olympics. they re-run the good stuff from three to five am. i saw the women's figure skating. the young woman who won, from Japan, was incredible. i still don't know how they do all of those fast spins without puking on the ice. i guess it's something about keeping your head in the same position, i don't know.
but i feel good having watched at least one venue.
i used to look forward to the Olympics so much. that was when both summer and winter were in the same year. so it was every four years instead of this every two year crap. i used to look forward to a lot of things. i still have my days when i look forward to things but frankly, i miss the mania. up all night working on projects, out all day doing things. working. none of this having to have someone come and help me take out my trash because it makes me too nervous to do it myself. none of this having people in my life to take care of me shit. i have the right to refuse to take the lamictal. and right now i feel like it. all i do is go to my appts., meet sean, blog a little and sleep. i want there to be more to my life than that. and it feels like this fucking mood stabilizer has taken away all the good things and left shit. i have a pdoc appt. on wednesday, unless they can get me in sooner. if she was here before me right now, i'd say, i want off all the drugs. don't want to take them anymore. i can feel like shit without them, thank you.

Posted by Lisa :: 5:17 AM :: 3 comments

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Thursday, February 23, 2006 so far today

i was up in the middle of the night. that darned bladder! once i've turned the light on and trekked down the stairs to the bathroom, i'm up for a while. went back to sleep around three-thirty. thought for sure it would be enough time for sleep to hear my alarm. nope. woke up to the nurse knocking on the door. there seems to have been a mix-up with my antibiotics. regular nurse says i have none left. the pharmacy was supposed to deliver them to the office. guess that didn't happen. but do i say anything? of course not. i'm such an idiot about things like that.
i went back to sleep after the nurse left. slept for a couple hours. woke up, said, what am i doing awake? then went back to sleep until sean called. she asked if i wanted to get together today and i said, no, i don't think so. she offered to come to me and take me to coffee. so i agreed. we ended up having a good time. so i'm glad i went instead of going back to sleep.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:13 PM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, February 22, 2006 cat food

H.'s father just came. he brought 5 cases of cat food (48 cans to a case.) the cats are set for.....urg, math. a LONG time. they better like it after being spoiled with Fancy Feast. though i suppose if they're hungry, they'll give in and eat it even if it isn't the gourmet they've gotten used to. of course, the cases smelled like dog (he has three of them) so the cats are going crazy smelling the boxes. he's a good guy, A is. he really likes to help people. it makes him happy. it makes us all feel good when we can help but he seems to get a special joy from it. and i'm certainly more than grateful. as are the cats. they won't go without dinner for a long, long time. hopefully never again.
i just got a gas bill for $805.00. gotta laugh. i thought i had paid last months bill. it looks like i haven't paid in a couple of months. must consult check book. and i'm keeping my thermostat at 65*, which doesn't seem like it's too high. i still freeze in here sometimes, sitting here by the window.
i feel up to going to the food pantry today. though i would rather go back to sleep. maybe they'll have more rice. ughhh. oh no mr bill! nooooo!
$805.00 that's really funny.

Posted by Lisa :: 9:27 AM :: 4 comments

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006 one good thing

today hasn't been terribly pleasant but i just got off the phone with teressa who is home from the hospital. that's a good thing. she did post as well. i had just looked up the number of the hospital in the yellow pages online. i decided that i'd call her later in the day. and then, bam! she calls. was good to hear her somewhat tired voice.
i started my day off with the squid. she asked about my financial situation. i told her about the guy at SS dragging his heels. then i was home for a couple of hours before meeting sean. i felt terrible. i didn't want to talk. i just wanted to drink my coffee. i did get a loan to pay my condo fees. and talksalot said that i didn't have to worry about paying any interest.
sean was going to take me to the food pantry this afternoon, but i just couldn't handle it. we made a plan for tomorrow. i can't imagine feeling up to it tomorrow either. but i'll see what i feel like then. i'm back down to eating rice. i wouldn't be if i hadn't bought cigarettes. but doing without them was turning me into a wreck. or perhaps i should say, more of a wreck.

Posted by Lisa :: 5:05 PM :: 3 comments

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Monday, February 20, 2006 bored and depressed

been to the tower a few times but no one has been in there. i just took some extra meds that i had hoping to help me not to feel. but i think i need a lot more meds to make that happen. i just want to fall into a dreamless sleep for about three days. three weeks. three years. it doesn't matter. most days are the same. except some days i'm less depressed. but it's always there, hiding in the corner. and some days it hits me full force. like now. all the dreams i once had. all the disappointments. all the things that i've done wrong. wondering who i would be without this constant depression, anxiety and fear. who would i be....

Posted by Lisa :: 11:06 PM :: 2 comments

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not much to say

been sleeping most of the weekend. including today. but i woke up this evening after horrible dreams. i think it'll be a while before i go back to sleep.
oliver is so cute. i let him out the back door a few minutes ago and he just was knocking at the front door. he gets up on the railing and bangs on the screen. now he needs his pets before he goes to have a snack. i don't know what i'd do without these cats. the thought of them in those little cages at the animal shelter has kept me alive more than once. literally.
it's not as cold as it's been. below zero, my ass. it's warmed up into the twenties, thank goodness. i don't want to know what this months gas bill is going to look like. although we've had some really warm days. maybe it'll all even out.
i've seen no one but the nurses since friday. i'm due to see sean tomorrow. and i have the squid tomorrow. has it been a week already? damn. i wonder if i'm ever going to get used to going there.
having some iced COFFEE!
oh, the nurse this morning brought my seroquel, after my going without it all weekend. she woke me up actually. i was up around four and decided to go back to sleep for a couple of hours. my alarm is really loud. i use my cell phone. didn't wake me up this morning. guess when i answered the door, i had that look like i'd just gotten up. she gave me the "good morning" that you give to someone who has just gotten up.
still haven't heard from my sister. i don't know what's up with that. if i wasn't such a wuss, i'd call her. but i'm afraid that by not answering my email, it's probably not something that i want to hear. and i can't deal with that on the phone right now. i'm too much on the brink myself for her to say something negative. i don't know when our relationship got so tenuous. i know that she's having a really hard time right now. but to shut me out. she's never done that before. usually i was the first one she'd turn to. now i seem to be the last. i don't know why i'm writing about this, it's just upsetting me. on to other things....
i didn't see one moment of the Olympics. that's very unusual for me. just didn't have the interest. depression reigned. i usually like the winter olympics better than the summer ones. i love the bobsledding and ski jumping. and i guess the snowboarding was pretty impressive. and i love the speed skating. but just couldn't find the interest to sit down and watch any of it.
right now i think i'm writinig because i don't know what else to do.

Posted by Lisa :: 8:52 PM :: 1 comments

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Saturday, February 18, 2006 it's f*cking cold!

and yes, i'm drinking iced coffee again. against the advice of a friend. it's one of my vices. the other being smoking. i guess there are worse things. well maybe not as far as the smoking goes. looking forward to the antibiotics starting to work so that i can get rid of that searing pain in my head when i stand up. i'm taking ibuprofen which seems to be helping.
i can't believe that it's going to get so cold tonight. i think of the people who don't have roofs over their heads or a real place to call home. i imagine the shelters will be overflowing tonight.
icky, stern nurse was nice this morning. she checked out my finger she cut the ring off of. told me to get one that fits. d'oh!
i'll see her again tomorrow. it's nice to have a break from regular nurse and her constant stories of her family. i know more about her than she knows about me. i don't think that's the way it's supposed to work.
my pillow is calling me...

Posted by Lisa :: 8:36 PM :: 7 comments

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weird

this is going to sound odd. but all day yesterday, i was unsettled. felt like something bad was going to happen. to my sister, to sean. and then teressa ends up in the hospital. then once i found that out the feeling went away. weird.

Posted by Lisa :: 12:10 PM :: 3 comments

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update

just talked with gary, teressa's husband and he didn't have much news. just that teressa has a bad case of pneumonia. and they were worried about her heart. he's not exactly a talkative guy. but i asked him to send her all of our love.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:14 AM :: 3 comments

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Teressa

just wanted to let you know that i'm going to call gary or clay later and see how teressa is doing. i'll post after i talk with them.

Posted by Lisa :: 10:09 AM :: 0 comments

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brrr...

Clear Skies/Bitter Cold
Blustery
-2 -4 Above
NW 10-15 (Wind Chills -10 to -20)

that's the forecast for tonight.yesterday it was 50 degrees. glad i don't have to go anywhere tonight. at least i hope i don't have to go anywhere. got cat food, food, cigarettes.....plenty of coffee and ice. i know, who drinks iced coffee when it's below zero outside? i do, no matter what the weather. sounds like it's going to be a good night to be up on the warm third floor.
i just looked at what the nurse gave me. WRONG! supposed to have two klonopin and three seroquel as prns. i got one klonopin. that 's it. it's a good thing that all i have to do today is go to the pharmacy. if i had to go out for any length of time, i'd be a basket case. i could have her paged and tell her that she made a mistake. but i think i'll just deal with it. i take too many fucking pills anyway.
poor ella is all curled up on the router. trying to stay warm. she's falling asleep there.
it's snowing. they said there was going to be a chance of snow showers. as long as it doesn't amount to anything. it's pretty when you know you're not going to have to dig your car out.
the Roos are quiet so far this morning. i think they had a late night. their porch light was on when i went to bed around midnight. i spoke too soon about the Roos. now they're up and i can hear her voice through the wall, though i fortunately can't make out what she's saying. she talks loud for someone who just got up. it's so cute, i can hear their kitten running up and down the stairs. and when he plays in the entry way, i can hear him with his little toys.
my anti-psychotic meds make my mouth really dry. yesterday the doctor asked me if i used a saliva subsitute. hell, i'm not going to buy saliva. saliva in a bottle. it's just too weird.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:41 AM :: 3 comments

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Friday, February 17, 2006 sean is back

talked to her this morning, though i don't remember a lot of the conversation. the phone woke me. i was so tired this morning. just wanted regular nurse to leave so that i could go back to bed.
it was pouring a little while ago, with the wind whipping. they're saying the gusts are up to 50mph. now the sun is out, but it's still really windy. we have a "high wind warning" in effect. i hope we don't loose power.
today is doctor day. big thrill. i think they're under the impression that i'm having a physical. and i'm not. i'm going to say that it's just a follow up visit for my asthma. i hate physicals. i refuse to have one today. so there! :P
man, it's windy out. i think the last gust just moved the house over two feet.
it's such a nice feeling having food in the fridge and freezer. and having plenty of cat food. turns out A. has 5 cases of cat food. i don't know where the hell i'm going to put them, but i'm grateful. i miss having a pantry.
sean is due in about twenty minutes, which means a half hour to an hour.
somethings screwed up with my meds again. i'm not getting the prn risperdal. i didn't think of checking this morning when she brought the pills. i was so anxious to get to my pillow. seems like things are screwed up more often than they're right.

back from the doctor. sean was actually a few minutes early. we took the trash out. i was afraid she was going to get blown away. they weren't expecting to do a physical. so i didn't have to put my foot down. sean got lost somewhere between the scale and the examination room. but she found us. i've lost a little more weight though it doesn't show. and of course as i was getting into one of those wonderful gowns that they give you, in taking off my shirt, my boob fell out of my bra. so i pretty much flashed sean. LOL. my peak flow wasn't that great but better than last time i was there. so he gave me a stronger inhaler and threatened oral steroids. which i wouldn't take if he subscribed them. don't need to be hungry all the time. he also gave me some antibiotics for a sinus infection.
sean worked it out so that we should be able to get the money for the condo fee on tuesday. monday being a holiday. she was going to call talksalot and tell her i was on disability but not why. that seemed the easiest way to go.
i got my paperwork back from the muddle-head at the SS office. so he finally got it done. now the check should be in process. thank goodness.
the Roos never did turn the water off. at least not before i went to bed. i went to bed a little after midnight. god knows what they were doing over there. i half expected to find my basement flooded this morning, but it was fine. lucky for them. :)
maybe they were doing bathtub laundry...

Posted by Lisa :: 12:53 PM :: 3 comments

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Thursday, February 16, 2006 okay....

the water has been running next door for over an hour. what are they doing over there? maybe i don't want to know. an hour? Mr. Roo doesn't look like an hour kind of guy. hell, he doesn't look like a five minute man. hmmmm......
if water starts coming through my wall, they're paying for it. they already did laundry today, besides it doesn't sound like it's coming from the basement. it sounds like it's coming through the bathroom. if i ever, ever hear them doing anything (you know what i mean) i will bring it up at the next condo meeting. i swear i will.
the condo lady (talksalot) called today, left a message looking for her money. can't get blood from a stone, as my mother used to say. sean is supposed to be in tomorrow and give her a call. i want her to know as little as possible about where my money comes from.
that damned water is still going. what the fuck?

Posted by Lisa :: 11:20 PM :: 3 comments

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good news, for a change

how do i explain this. H's father's girlfriend is a very good friend of mine. i wrote her a rant about the diddle head at SS and the next thing i knew (this morning), there was an envelope on my floor under my mail slot. written on it was "this is from A. love, A&S." there was money in the envelope. A is H's father. i got to go grocery shopping and cat food shopping. it was wonderful. i wrote A. a thank you email and he said that there was no need for thanks but to tell him if something like this ever happened again or if i need more funds now. it was so sweet. i wasn't thinking about telling S.(my friend) anything. i was just venting. and then to find that surprise on the floor. made me feel a little funny but good. he wrote a PS that he had three cases of cat food (left from his cat who had been killed by a wild animal, he lives out in the country) that he'd try to drop off next week. he's such a sweetie and so is S.
so i'm going to leave it at that. just the good news....

Posted by Lisa :: 9:38 PM :: 4 comments

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006 i just can't get over

the guy at the ss office. cripes, he knows that people depend on those checks. what a fucking idiot! we're getting checks for a reason. it's not just spending money. we have NO income other than the checks.
i just hope talksalot doesn't come to my door to remind me about the condo fee. i don't know what i'll do if she does. i don't want her to know anything about my finances. everybody in the assoc. will know about it if i tell her. i guess i'll just say that i don't have the money free now and i'll pay it ( with the interest) when i do. i'm going to hide on the third floor tonight so that if she comes a knockin' i won't hear her. who knows? maybe she has other things to think about other than who's paid their condo fee. though i doubt it.
i don't know why, but blogging is making me feel better. i suppose the klonopin isn't hurting either. i think some thorazine would make me happy. or at least put me in a deep sleep for many hours.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:02 PM :: 4 comments

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more

i just talked with marsha and she's going to get my asthma meds and bring them to me. she said not to worry about the bill, that she's never known them to "shut off" anyone. so i don't have to worry about that. and i'll start feeling better with my inhalers.
i hate for her to see the dump that my condo has become. i don't mind regular nurse seeing it and i don't give a damn about icky, stern nurse. she's sweet to get them and bring them by. (the inhalers, not the nurses)
i guess i'll wait to eat my fabulous dinner of plain white rice until after she comes.

Posted by Lisa :: 3:21 PM :: 2 comments

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no sean

sean is out again today. i thought i could go to my pdoc appt. without her but i was getting really anxious so i rescheduled it and called and left a message for marsha telling her that i wouldn't be in. i feel better now that i've done that.
unfortunatly, no sean means no condo fee, no food, i have a feeling that she's going to be out the rest of the week.-p0bbg (that was ella) so what am i going to do? i don't know yet. everything is such a mess. i'll have to talk to someone at sean's office tomorrow to see about getting some more food for the cats and maybe something for me. i wish that damned check would come in the mail today. i'd be so happy and relieved. i know that i just need to call the blathering idiot but i can't bring myself to do it. if i don't call, i have the hope every day that the check will come. if i do call and he tells me it's going to be another two weeks, i don't know what i'll do. other than obviously reach through the phone and wring his neck. called the fucker. he's not done going through the paper work that i gave him. said he should be finished tomorrow. well, that's enough to make me cry. now we're looking at a another ten days to two weeks. i was very polite and didn't call him an incompetent asshhole. dammit! what the fuck am i going to do?? right now, i'm going to take some more klonopin.
the bank is going to call me again. i'm not answering the phone unless i know who it is. this all pretty much sucks.

Posted by Lisa :: 1:55 PM :: 1 comments

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went to bed early

now i'm up early. got up at about three-thirty. tried reading a few blogs but don't have the concentration for more than just the short ones. i could probably go back to sleep but then i'm afraid i'd sleep through my alarm. not looking forward to today. would just as soon go back to bed once the nurse has come and gone. but i have that lousy pdoc appt. and i meet with marsha after that. i don't want to meet with anyone today. i just want to spend the day asleep. what's that whining sound?
my glands really hurt. everytime i cough, it feels like they're going to pop out of my neck.there's that whining sound again. damn. i guess it's not going to go away.
it's supposed to reach 50 degrees today and tomorrow.
obviously i really have nothing to say. don't know why i'm trying.....

Posted by Lisa :: 4:23 AM :: 3 comments

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006 i don't know what else to do....

other then blog. it's now that i have a hell of a lot to say.
i hope sean is in tomorrow. my condo fee is due tomorrow and i need help figuring out what to do.
here comes ducklady home. she looks more like a duck after dark. just the light of their outside lamp.
remember a couple of weeks ago i sent my sister an email asking her if i'd done something that made her stop reaching out to me. i never received a response. that's never good. maybe i should have kept my mouth shut. but there were big things that she was not telling me about except after they were over and then through email, not calling. i don't know what's going on. except that it makes me feel sucky. i'm worried about her but afraid to call. i'm not sure why. i should have called her rather than sending the email. i just didn't feel up to it.
say the squid today. i stayed for about half an hour then i had to leave. it was just too much. even though we were mostly talking about the weather. i was very uncomfortable there. at least i don't have to worry about going for another week. her hair hasn't been sticking up for the past couple of weeks. i guess it's grown some. oh, who the fuck cares?

Posted by Lisa :: 6:34 PM :: 2 comments

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stuff and things

no, no check today. i should have called. i wrote a check that's going to bounce today, for cat food and spaghettos. i didn't know what else to do. if i eat rice again, i'm going to puke. i can't remember the last time i had spaghettios.probably the last time i watched Giligan's Island. sean was out sick today. i kind of figured that she would be after she was so tired yesterday. tomorrow i have an apt. with the pdoc. and i don't even know what to tell her. i slept most of today and when i wasn't sleeping i was crying. these meds just aren't working.part of last week was okay. but then it all starts up again. i know the money problems aren't helping. i hope sean is in tomorrow. we'll meet before i go to the pdoc and then she'll come with me to the appt. and when i say i'm fine, she'll tell the doc that i'm not. i don't understan how i can feel good for part of a week then come crashing down. i have a candle lit and it's where my water usually is and i keep reaching for the candle to drink it.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone. even to Babs' cockroaches.

Posted by Lisa :: 6:08 PM :: 0 comments

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Monday, February 13, 2006 phuck, phuck phuck!

that's PHUCK!
the fucking check still hasn't come. the guy at SS obviously dropped the ball.
sean was out today so i couldn't ask her what i should do about the condo fee due on wednesday. i've used all of my overdraft protection at the bank, so writing a check is not an option. it would just bounce. fuck! i don't what else to say but fuck!

Posted by Lisa :: 6:42 PM :: 5 comments

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Sunday, February 12, 2006 the weather report

"Good evening. Well our winter storm is finally over and what a storm it was. Some parts of western Massachusetts saw hardly anything while other parts picked up as much as 2 feet of snow. The jackpot was in eastern Hampden County. Spotter reports from Longmeadow, Wilbraham, Palmer, Monson and some other towns indicate that 18-24 inches of snow fell. Meanwhile in the Berkshires and the hilltowns of Hampden, Franklin and Hampshire Counties, where traditionally the the most snow falls, just a few inches of snow was reported. Record breaking snowfall was reported in New York City where 26.9" of snow fell in Central Park. As for us look for partial clearing tonight and watch out for icy spots but sunshine will return for the start of the school and work week."

can you imagine 27 inches of snow?? so glad that missed us. i'm still not sure how much we got what with the drifting.but it was plenty.

i've been awfully lonely today. don't know why. i'm looking forward to seeing sean tomorrow. maybe getting out of the house will help. and getting some good coffee. i've been making lousy coffee. maybe it's time to (gasp) clean the coffee maker. it could also be that instead of using starbucks i've gone to a much cheaper brand. someone was telling me that they saw an article that rated the caffeine content of different brands of coffee and starbucks was at the top of the list.maybe that's why i'm feeling logy.(sp) i need a caffeine drip.i hate having IVs (the damed little machine starts beeping every time you breathe) but for caffeine, i'd do it. maybe if i went to the hospital and explained my coffee situation, they could do something to accomodate me.

Posted by Lisa :: 9:43 PM :: 2 comments

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death to talksalot

well, apparently, talksalot fired another snow guy. the guy who came today didn't even have a plow. he did a shitty job on my driveway. i still have to wade through snow to get to my car. maybe she's not firing these people, maybe they're refusing to work for her. now that sounds about right. i know that i sure as hell wouldn't want to work for her.
i just noticed the fuzzy, almost full moon. i like having my desktop right near the window. there's not a hell of a lot to see out there, but still it's nice. a quiet road, one streetlamp.
oliver is keeping me company up here. when i'm upstairs, i want to be downstairs. when i'm downstairs, i want to be upstairs. what i really want is a fuckin' cigarette. these Jolly Rancher lollipops aren't doing the trick. and they're so damned big. they cut off your air supply.
okay, i'm going downstairs so that i wish i can be upstairs again....

Posted by Lisa :: 6:08 PM :: 3 comments

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okay, i did it

cleaned the car off. it wasn't as bad out there as i thought it would be. and that down jacket i bought a few months ago really keeps me warm.
i read that Babs is into Lost. what the hell is that show about? i keep hearing about it.
Mrs. Roo sounded like she was trying to vacuum the wall again.
i checked the weather and it's supposed to snow all day, "heavy at times", so i don't supposed plowguy will be coming til later. so i guess i can go upstairs.
i'm making some ricotta and asparagus tortelini for lunch. don't have any sauce but it should be good anyway. gotta go keep an eye on it.

Posted by Lisa :: 1:13 PM :: 1 comments

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i just got up!

it was glorious being able to sleep really late. and no really bad dreams. it's been a few nights now. i like this not having a nurse on sunday. i'm definitely going to talk to marsha this week about cutting out the sunday nurse. makes me feel like a regular person. i've had nurses so long, i forgot what it was like to sleep past six-thirty. there have been days when i haven't had them. because of storms or holidays but today was just so wonderful. not having to deal with anyone.
you should hear the wind howling. we haven't gotten a lot of snow, but what we have has drifted. you can see the driveway behind my car but it's plastered all over my car.
i want to go up on the third floor but i have to watch for plowguy.
wow the snow is really blowing around out there or i'd go out and clean off my car. that's just an excuse for being a wimp. i'd rather wait until it's all over and not go out in the blowing snow.
no check in the mail yesterday. i think that guy at SS really fucked up.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:37 AM :: 1 comments

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Saturday, February 11, 2006 marshmallow, my lover, my friend...

damn, awake again. well, ella and oliver had to go out anyway. they won't be able to go out tomorrow if we get this shitty snowstorm.
oliver is so cute. the cats go out and come in the back door. i let oliver out a few minutes and apparently she wasn't getting a response there so he went around front and stood on the porch railing and all i could see was him peeking in the window. with his blue eyes just the slightest bit crossed. yeah, he's cross-eyed sometimes. the poor guy.
i thought it was going to be icky, stern nurse this morning, but it was regular nurse and she does what she regularly does. she came in, dumped some of her life on me and went on here way. she left me with a set-up of meds for tomorrow in case there's a huge amount of snow. she said that if we didn't get the storm, she'd see me tomorrow. she had to by law. what the hell law is that?? i'm not under any order to take my meds. i have a feeling it was Marsha's law. so i don't know if i can sleep late tomorrow or not. i guess if i wake up and can't see my car, it's probable that she won't be coming. at this point they're saying that most of it is going to go to our southeast. sorry Chatty.
poor chuckie just can't seem to get enough attention. she's the most attention seeking one of the cats. right now she's crawling up my back. i given her a LOT of attention in the past half hour. she just eats it up. she'll sit next to me and just purr away. as long as she's touching me, albeit with her butt, she's happy as long as she's gotten a lot of attention before that.
all of the cats have such different personalities. ella is the most easy going. you can pick her up and cradle her on her back and that's fine with her. she never starts fights. boo is loving but more meek. and when she gets overstimulated, she threatens to bite you. chuckie, well, chuckie is chuckie. always getting into something she's not supposed to. and oliver lets you know when he's had enough pets when he yawns. when that happens the next thing he'll do is bite. and he's a very strong cat. you can feel it in your bone when he bites you. he never draws blood, just makes one hell of an indentation. i don't know what i'd do without any of them.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:48 PM :: 2 comments

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awake again, dang.

it was regular nurse this morning instead of icky stern nurse. it was a nice surprise. y'all know how i feel about icky, stern nurse.
a few minutes ago,ella was staring at me and i couldn't figure out why. then i looked at the clock.dinner time! i swear that cat can wake you up just staring at you.that's what my mother used to say. she'd wake up and ella would just be staring at her. i think she has magical powers. she uses them for good not evil. so far...
i'm feeling a lot less suicidal. the thought is still there but it's more in the back of my mind. i guess it's always there, it just flares up a bit from time to time. okay, more than a bit.
it's hard to believe that it's going to snow. the sun is shining brightly. though it is very cold out. and the sky to the south looks like a snow sky. i really hope that we don't get much. i'll go out later and turn my car around facing the street and park it close to the road.
the damned Roos and their laundry. what, do they wash each piece of clothing separately? i wouldn't give a shit if they weren't using so much water. i swear if the condo fees go up next month, i'm going to have trouble keeping my mouth shut if it's due to water consumption. okay, the truth is, i won't say a thing. but i like to think that i would.

Posted by Lisa :: 1:29 PM :: 2 comments

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post grape nuts

just had a bowl. something sean and i got at the store. it's been years since i've had them. they're yummy. now i'm drinking iced COFFEE. i guess they'll be no going back to sleep for now. woke up at about two thirty. i don't know why, just woke up. none of those dreaded dreams. weird ones, but not the ones that i've grown accustomed to having. or i should say, not grown accustomed to. i'm grateful.
whatever was fubared with blogger before seems to be fixed.
i need that BB gun again. ducklady obviously got a remote car starter for Christmas. and she backs in, so this little red light is constantly blinking in my face everytime i look up. i think i could hit it from here.
i was a good shot with a rifle a few years back. H. and i went up to his father's and put targets on the trees and soda cans on a ledge. i did better than he did for a while. beginner's luck. it was odd picking up a gun. odder now, because i can't imagine picking up a gun now. when i was really suicidal, i thought of those guns in the attic. but i didn't know where the ammo was. though he told the social worker that he had taken the firing pins out, i didn't believe him. not sure why, just didn't believe him.he eventually took the guns to his father's. i can't imagine what it was like to live with me then. pretty awful, i would guess. of course living with him was not easy either, but for different reasons. bygones...

Posted by Lisa :: 4:09 AM :: 1 comments

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Friday, February 10, 2006 shit, shit shit!

i just lost an entire post. i kept getting errors so i restarted my browser and that seems to have taken care of the problem, but now i can't recover my post. i'm sure it was full of good things though now i can't remember what they were.
one thing was that i'm feeling better than yesterday. none of those ideations that i had last night.
no check in the mail today. i hope sean was able to get a hold of Mr. Goodwanker.
~hours later~
sean came, just about on time too. she surprised me.i had to hurry up and put the stickie on my forehead that read toilet paper. we took out the trash then went to coffee then she brought me to the local grocers to get the food that i'd need over the weekend. and both toilet paper AND kleenex. yes, Babs, the kind with lotion in them. haven't taken them for a test drive yet. just got home. sean was saying that she was worried about my food situation. i told her i had plenty. she said we could go to the food pantry and the big grocery store on monday.
apparently sean wasn't able to reach Mr. Goodwanker. hopefully she'll be able to on monday. damn, i forgot to ask her about the condo fee. it's not easy asking for things. but sometimes you have no choice. it feels funny when sean pays for my food even though i know that she'll be reimbursed. but when we go to the big store, the company has an account set up. so she doesn't have to dish out any of her own money.
it's f*cking cold here. i froze when we took out the trash. of course i didn't put my coat on like sean told me to. i just hate coats. i feel like the Michelin(sp) man.
thank you Chatty for all your kind comments. and the chocolate was french and i believe italian. :)

Posted by Lisa :: 4:44 PM :: 4 comments

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Thursday, February 09, 2006 thinking.....

i just was looking at a suicide prevention site that i got off of Denise's page. i'm not afraid of dying. i am afraid of what it would to do my sister and what would happen to my kitties.
my sister has been acting strangely. since before bumblefuck pulled that crap on her. she had a lump in her breast removed, turned out not to be cancerous but she didn't tell me about it until after, and through email. the second thing was that she was in the hospital for bronchitis. turns out she was going outside for smokes but she didn't call me.she told me later through email as well. with teressa's help, i formulated an email basically asking why she wasn't sharing these things with me until afterwards. i sent that to her a week ago and haven't heard anything back. i don't know if she hasn't checked her email or if she's ignoring it. all that makes me think that she doesn't need me. but i still don't know what would happen to the cats. and that worries me.

Posted by Lisa :: 8:55 PM :: 3 comments

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that desperate feeling....

i really want to cut. i just had rice and mustard which didn't help anything. i couldn't face another naked bowl of white rice. the mustard didn't do much for it. rather gross actually. eating it just depressed me further. i know that i'm lucky to have anything. but yuck!
everything seems so out of control. i'm either angry and worried or i'm crying. i know that cutting would make me feel better. but only for a while. damn. cried all the way home from seeing sean tuesday because i didn't know how i was going to get dry food for the kitties. fortunately i had enough change to get a box of food. i have to tell her tomorrow that i need some things from the store. she's coming over to help with the trash. and maybe we can go to the grocery store. i'm going to have to start blowing my nose on catalogue pages.i'd been using bathroom tissue but that's running out. hope it lasts me til tomorrow. i pee a lot. i know, more information than you needed. i suppose i could use a washcloth. what a brilliant idea! did i come up with that?

Posted by Lisa :: 7:31 PM :: 4 comments

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here i am

on the third floor. above the crap. this is the coolest room in the whole condo. though i just noticed that someone hyuked up a hairball up here.
and i'm not worried about how loud i'm playing my music. the speakers on the iMac are really good. all in all , this was a great investment. when i start taking photos again this is the perfect machine for Photoshop and with the good printer...i have a cat walkind back and forth in front of me. to the window, across me to the scanner and back again. good thing my water has a cap on it. now i'm just being stared at. and she's sitting on my glasses. i hate when they do that. of course, if they were on my face where they belong, it would cut down on the butt marks on the lenses.
i'm trying not to worry about that damned check. that guys probably hiding from both sean and i. he's probably using my paperwork to sit on, trying to make himself appear taller. i wonder if i could borrow some of Babs' cockroaches. or maybe i should just get babs, sooner and jackiesue to kick his ass. it could be part of their plan to take over the world. what better place to start then social service agencies?

Posted by Lisa :: 5:12 PM :: 0 comments

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thursday

i got to meet sean for coffee today. though i don't remember much of it. my SS check still hasn't come. i told sean and she was going to call Mr.Goodwanker. she said that she was afraid this was going to happen because goodwanker didn't seem like he had a clue. it would have been good if she could have reached him today though it's kind of late so i don't think she did. she said she'd call me if she got through to him. i really hope the check comes tomorrow.
woah, chilly toilet seat ( me had to pee). usually, it's like a heated seat because the heat is right next to it. brr...
here comes the heat. i thought it was getting chilly in here. about time to retire to the third floor. there, i shall write some more useless drivel.
gosh i want some poppers and a cheeseburger....but rice or soup is my fate.
ugh, just tried some sweet potato bisque. it was horrible. i tried two spoonfuls and that was all i could handle. the garbage disposer got the rest.

Posted by Lisa :: 4:23 PM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, February 08, 2006 okay, i HAD to do this one

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic

At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung

You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping

Your caffeine addiction level: high

Posted by Lisa :: 9:12 PM :: 3 comments

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from Ann

You Are Scooter

Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick.
You're always willing to lend a helping hand.
In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going.
"15 seconds to showtime!"

Posted by Lisa :: 7:40 PM :: 1 comments

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just stuff

i wan't going to blog today. but i found myself up here on the third floor at the iMac, sitting in chat waiting for someone to come in. it's been a rough couple of days. lots of bad thoughts. i won't whine about them. i'll bore myself.
didn't get to see sean today. she worked sunday so she had today off. her son has wednesdays off from school. he goes to one of those new-fangled schools.
i slept most of the day. setting my alarm every couple of hours. it seems that if i don't sleep more than a couple of hours at a time, the dreams don't come.
lonely this evening. yet i don't have the energy to call anyone. okay so maybe there's some whine sneaking in here anyway. sorry bout that. guess i should have stuck with the plan of not posting..

Posted by Lisa :: 7:23 PM :: 4 comments

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Monday, February 06, 2006 no sleep tonight

at least that's my plan. i did take my meds about an hour ago and laid down with the cat and tried to go to sleep but i was restless and afraid of the dreams that would come. i just want it to be tomorrow morning. i can't take another night of those guilt dreams. i just can't do it. i have some extra meds, that if i took them, would probably knock me out. but then i'd still have to worry about the dreams. it's been over a year since i sold the house. you'd think the guilt would have run its course. obviously not. i just can't take it anymore. if i had razor blades......but i don't.
i got a care package from overseas today. all the chocolate i could want. and it's delicious.i've done some sampling.
i learned a new fact today. light roast coffee has more caffeine than dark roast. apparently, the longer you roast the beans, the more caffeine you lose. and i've been getting the dark roast all this time. today, sean got me a light roast and shared that little bit of trivia with me. gee, how did she know that i'd want the extra caffeine? i can't imagine.
i miss my ring.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:30 PM :: 6 comments

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back from coffee....

the COFFEE was good today. not strong, but flavorful. not much to say. hoping that the SS check comes today.
it looks like spring here. with all the snow melting. but i won't be fooled. we'll probably get a big snowstorm soon.
gosh i want poppers. what is that? drool?
i made the mistake of telling sean that the dr.'s office has called twice to remind me that i need to make an appt.
she just called and said that she'd made me an appt. for me next friday. damn! since i'm out of one of my inhalers and my allergy spray, well, i just hope that i can get them before the appt. or i'll have to explain why i wasn't taking the meds. hello, i'm poor and couldn't give the pharmacy anything so i didn't get them refilled. that'll be embarrassing. at least this appt. is with the doctor instead of one of the dr.'s assistants. he's very sweet. an older guy.
ella likes to sit on the router when i won't let her get up on my lap, like if i'm smoking. must be warm on her butt.she's such a sweet cat. i can't imagine what i'd do without my kitties.
i've got the squid in the morning. i want to talk to her about these dreams but i don't know if i can. people have said that i have nothing to feel guilty about but the dreams continue. i don't know that telling her would make a difference. plus it's harder to tell people in person than to write about it in my blog. i don't know...

Posted by Lisa :: 3:20 PM :: 1 comments

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bad dreams, bad dreams, whatcha gonna do?

woke up in the middle of the night with horrid dreams. more guilt dreams. went back to sleep eventually and had some more. went back to sleep after the nurse came, for a dreamless sleep.
i didn't end up watching the Super Bowl last night. but Babs kept me informed. i was rooting for the Steelers.
going to meet sean early this afternoon. i ran out of creamer and when you're used to drinking it with creamer and you drink it black, it takes some getting used to. mostly i feel bad for ella. she doesn't understand why she isn't getting her creamer.
it's a nice sunny day, but the wind is making it cold.
i don't know what made me think of this but one of H's former girlfriends had the bright idea to try to cook bacon on the outdoor grill. needless to say the grill didn't like the bacon grease. flames high in the air. geez, i hope he doesn't tell his fiancee the stupid things i did...i'm sure he doesn't. that was the only, well, one of the only things that he told me about her.
i keep looking at my finger and expecting to see my ring there. ~sigh~ better than losing the finger.
sean brought me two cds on friday to listen to. one was good. the other one was just an empty case. that's so sean. she's going to be embarrassed when i bring them back to her today. not truly embarrassed, i've seen her turn red once. i don't even remember why. it may have been when i told her it was National Orgasm Day. a real holiday, i swear. only took her a minute to recover, then she wondered if she told her supervisor if she'd get the day off.
the cats are eating. the only time that they get that close to each other. except oliver and ella. when they both sleep on the bed sometimes they'll sleep back to back touching each other.

Posted by Lisa :: 11:00 AM :: 3 comments

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Sunday, February 05, 2006 i did it again...

went for a nap and thought when i woke up, it was the next day. except it was incredibly light out. finally figured it out.
the nurse cut off my ring today. •sighhh• my finger is already less swollen. though there's a nice band of indentation. i don't know how long that will take to go away. i'm going to miss that ring. i was used to it. wore it all the time. i could get it resized but it is an intricate celtic pattern. oh well, someday i'll get a new one.
so it's SuperBowl sunday. i'm rooting for the Steelers. i don't think it's going to be a close game. Jinx.
having some COFFEE but it hasn't kicked in yet. i'll have more to say once it does....

Posted by Lisa :: 2:18 PM :: 5 comments

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all i want to do...

is go back to sleep. slept through the night again without getting up once.
i hope that whatever the nurse is bringing today will get the ring off. i tried a couple of ways but they didn't work. i can't wait for her to come so that i can go back to sleep. these allergies make me tired. even though i got almost seven hours last night. i want more. i hope she comes soon. you can never tell when this one is going to come. could be early, could be late. i hate waiting.
had some weird dreams last night. better than nightmares. i've been having weird dreams a lot. c'mon damned nurse, i want to go back to sleep. hopefully a dreamless sleep.
it's a bleak, grey day. it just stopped raining. the sun is supposed to come out later and warm things up.
it's been an hour since i started this stupid post and the nurse still hasn't shown up. i hate it when she's late. damn, i want to go back to bed.
that's enough for a whiney, complaining post.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:20 AM :: 1 comments

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Saturday, February 04, 2006 boring saturday

how do i know if it's boring? i've been asleep. i guess i have to be up for a while before deciding it's boring. i'm having some iced COFFEE.
oh, did i tell you after my pdoc appt. that my ekg was normal and that my prolactin levels were high? she wants me to only use the prn risperdal if the voices get really bad. i don't like that. i'd rather head them off at the pass then wait for them to be bad. did i already tell you all this? forgive me if i did. so anyway, i don't agree with her about that. i should have told her that. but i never seem to do anything other than agree with her. i did tell sean the next day that i wasn't really comfortable with it and she just said that she thought the pdoc was just trying to get me off of so much of it and try to deal with it with the geodon. which i already knew. but she didn't raise the geodon, so i'm preparing for some not very good days.
i have this favorite ring. that i haven't taken off in years. well it's gotten too small. the nurse this morning decided that it has to be cut off. i've tried soap and water, it just won't budge. she's worried about it cutting off the circulation to my finger. so she's going to bring something in the morning to cut it off. at first, she was going to send me to the emergency room. then said that she had something to get it cut. she said if my finger started to turn blue or get numb to have her paged and she'd come over. this is icky, stern nurse. she can be really nice when she's not telling me to clean my condo.
the Roos have their damned bass going today. i can hear it very well even though i'm playing music. what i need is a recording of How Great Thou Art that i can play really loud. you know, with the speakers up against the wall. it's not really loud enough to complain about it, just enough to be annoying. i saw him carry that speaker in when they moved in. i knew it would be trouble.
damn, i don't want to lose this ring. it's my favorite ring ever. that's why it hasn't come off in years. sean asked me just the other day if it was hurting. then she started to poke at my finger and asked me if it was numb. it wasn't.it's only gotten bad in the last week. i don't know why.i'm still taking the diuretic, but my fingers get puffy anyway. damn. usually it's the humidity that makes them swell up, but that certainly isn't the case this time of the year.
okay, this post is long enough....

Posted by Lisa :: 12:30 PM :: 2 comments

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got some balls...




a good friend of mine sent me this. where's that BB gun?

Posted by Lisa :: 6:48 AM :: 2 comments

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Thursday, February 02, 2006 back from COFFEE

from now on the word coffee will be spelled in upper case letters. COFFEE. it's a gleeful shout. it was nice to go to haymarket, our usual place. the COFFEE wasn't bad today. sean's supposed to come over tomorrow to help me take the trash out, but i forgot that it's supposed to be pouring tomorrow. better than snow.
so did puxatawny (sp) phil see his shadow or what?
so far today, two cats have barfed. chuckie was on the back of the chair, luckily she didn't get the chair, just the floor. so i had to move quite a big chair to clean it up. then boo was eating lunch and was kind enough to barf right back on the plate. easy clean-up. i hope that'll be all the barfing today. boo had a hair ball, chuckie just woke up and puked.
looking forward to going to dinner with my sister. despite all the puking going on.
okay, i just washed this bra and the strap is falling down already. the other ones don't do that. that's what i get for buying wallyworld bras.
sean and i were talking about boobs today. i told her( i don't remember why, oh i remember. yesterday she came into the COFFEE shop and asked if i wanted her to make my day. she unzipped her vest and there were big spots all over her shirt. so i asked her if she was spot-free today.) anyway, i told her that H. used to use a kitchen towel in his lap. and she said that was because he didn't have boobs. those of us with boobs have to tuck the napkin under out chin. what my reasoning for relating that is unknown to me. what is my reason for relating anything? that's unknown to me as well. why the fuck not? i guess.

Posted by Lisa :: 3:21 PM :: 11 comments

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doin' laundry

yes, i started it at six o'clock. about the time i could hear the Roos stomping round. slept from about two-thirty to five-thirty. i'm having my morning ambrosia (iced coffee.) ah, 'tis good to have me cream again.
i slept on the couch. i was afraid if i went up to the cat filled bed, i wouldn't wake up when my alarm went off. my couch is really comfy too. oliver was on me when i woke up. it's amazing that he can get on me without waking me up. he's such a big john wayne type cat. but once he's on you, he just flops down. none of that walking around in circles stuff.
i got my new calendar from Barnes and Noble. i just have to unpack it and plop it on the wall. thank goodness for gift cards. i love gift cards from there.
why do you suppose that the nurse is just sitting out front in her car? she must be talking on the phone or something, i assume. or she thinks that i'm going out there for a change instead of her coming in here. no, i don't think so.
i'm supposed to meet sean early this afternoon at our coffee spot in hamp. we haven't been there in over a week. haven't just done coffee in over a week. we've had places we had to go.
guess who forgot to put a fabric softener sheet in the dryer? i'm probably wearing underwear on my back.

Posted by Lisa :: 7:12 AM :: 3 comments

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Wednesday, February 01, 2006 oh and....

nothing really. i'm just really hyper and don't know what to do with myself. i think the neighbors would object to jumping jacks. on second thought, the Roos should have no exception to that. they do enough of it themselves.
i could clean. but i'm not that hyper. besides, the cats are comfy in their little places in the living room and the vacuum would send them flying. i could unpack some shit. but no, don't care enough about that either. i think i need to drink more coffee. yeah, that's it. more COFFEE!!! oh how i've missed my iced coffee at home. but now i have creamer and ice. and yes, it'll make me cold but otherwise, i'd be drinking cold water, so really there's no difference.
i'm getting hungry. it's bean burritos tonight. i just don't feel like making them. the yucky juice that comes out of the black bean can. i know i'm just rambling, but i don't care. okay, i'm through.

Posted by Lisa :: 6:30 PM :: 4 comments

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pdoc appt.

first of all, when a candle is so low in the glass container that you can't reach it with a lighter, do not attempt to light it with your cigarette. it doesn't work and it makes the cigarette taste like wax. that was the lesson for the day. just learned.
didn't get to see Marsha today. she was out sick. but sean and i did meat before my pdoc. appt. she asked me if i wanted coffee and came back with this huge one. she usually gets me a medium. i said, this is a medium?? she said that the mediums seemed so small. so now i'm hyper on half a gallon of coffee.
the pdoc got my ekg back. everything was fine. good the results of the blood work. my prolactin (no, i don't know what that is other than a hormone) was high. the risperdal makes it go up for some reason. that's why i haven't had a period in over a year. hell, that's fine with me....don't want to cut down on the risperdal. but we did. she said to only use the prn if the voices got really bad. i told her i was less depressed than the last time i saw her. which is true. except for a few days. sean said, she could tell. that i was more "engaged." i love it when they throw around those psych words. my pdoc is so nice.always asks me if the changes are all right with me. makes sure that any questions that i have are answered. of course sean has more questions than i do. i'm just thinking about how long i have until i get to leave. the pdoc did say that the raise in the prolactin level could make me more depressed. so i guess i'll put up with a period if i'm going to be less depressed. i guess=you bet your ass.
i've been up longer than i have been in the last four days. did sleep for a couple of hours after icky, stern nurse left. but i've been up since eleven and i don't feel sleepy. maybe it really was the cold, which seems to be pretty much gone now. shortest cold i ever had. i'm not complaining, fine with me.
talked with my sister a little bit ago. we're going for the $7.99 prime rib tomorrow night.
didn't intend for this to be this long of a post.
oh and BEWARE, Babs really does have an army of cockroaches, so don't get on her bad side.

Posted by Lisa :: 5:18 PM :: 4 comments

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Pooker

i had a cat when i was in my twenties. her name was Pooker. her markings looked kind of like a holstein cow. she was long-haired and had double paws.
i got her at college. i was going in to work at registration and she was sitting outside the door. i pet her. and when i came out eight hours later, she was still sitting there. so i decided if she followed me, i'd take her home. well she didn't follow me so i went back to get her. the whole ride home, about half an hour, she spent sitting on my shoulder, looking at the sites.
i lived on a busy street so i didn't want her to go out. so i'd drive her to day care (my mother's) every day where she could go out and i'd pick her up when i got out of school. she did errands with me in the car. to the bank, things like that. the tellers at the drive-through got to know her. said they were going to get some cat treats. she was never afraid to ride in the car. in fact a few months before she disappeared, i saw her getting out of someone else's car.
the problem was that i moved into a two room apt. after a break-up and i didn't think that i could manage two cats in such a small apt. on a very busy street. i already had boo. so i brought Pooker to my mother's. the problem was that she hated one of my mother's cat, so much so that she'd insist on going out in the worst weather to get away from the other cat. she'd go out when it was really cold out. one day we found a note attached to her collar. saying that it was too cold for a cat to be out. i'm assuming this person was letting her into her house for the night. probably the same person whose car i saw her get out of. i thnk eventually, Pooker just started to live at that person's house. i had stopped doing the day care thing and she spent all her time at my mother's. finally one day, my mother said that she hadn't been around in weeks. i think the people either moved and took her with them or Pooker just decided to stay with them full time. my mother told me that Pooker thought i had just abandoned her. i thought that was a rotten thing to say. i just hope that her new home was wonderful.

Posted by Lisa :: 12:10 PM :: 3 comments

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