Monday, July 31, 2006
phucking hot
tomorrow, it's supposed to reach 100 and wednesday, 102. and humid. i'll get out early for my appt. with the squid. and depending on what time the mail comes, i might be out looking for a bank to be open. then wednesday, i'll be going out at noon to meat the barbarian. glad she has a/c in her vehicle. tomorrow, i should go to the garage and have him show me how he got the hood open. i tried and nothing happened. to get the whole thing fixed would cost 70 dollars. i'm not ready for that yet. i have a negative bank balance that has to be taken care of first. i hate the bank. you have no money, so they charge you for having no money. quite the racket they have going. i hate the bank. hate it, hate it, hate it.
Posted by Lisa ::
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Sunday, July 30, 2006
i'm grounded
yep, my router went south. no more surfing on the third floor or in bed. i called h to see if i missed any steps in making sure it was the router. yep, the router. i'm going to bring it with me when i go up there for dinner wednesday. he's got another router. i was panicking for a little while. i can't go without my internet.now i'm leashed to my modem with a pretty green ethernet cord. green is my favorite color. boy this iBook is getting hot.
this morning i spent ten minutes, yes ten minutes, looking for my glasses. any of you smartasses who say, they're on your head, well, you're right. i was going nuts looking for them. wondering what i was going to do. i really thought that i'd lost them. dumb ass. i'd still be looking for them if i hadn't gone to rub my eye and hit a lens. i'm just glad no one was here to see me.
oh, duckylady must be in the pool. her floaty is gone. those damn things. i can never get on them, they throw me off. i think it requires a special talent. oh ducklady has a special talent. who would have thought?
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Saturday, July 29, 2006
it happened again
this is about the third or fourth time this has happened. i was standing by the counter and my legs gave out. first they started shaking and finally i ended up on my backside on the floor.almost in the litter box. i try hard to stand up but i just can't. i have no control. i looked yet another time at the side effects of the clozaril. one of them was quivering. that's a hell of a quiver. i'm worried about it happening when i'm out somewhere. that's another reason not to leave the house. great.
mustard stains? but i didn't have mustard today, or yesterday. i have spots in exactly the same place on my shirt that i did yesterday. what the hell? finally figured out they were from my precious oranges. i dribble a lot.
well, i might get my chance to go swimming. there's a place called musante beach that the barbarian asked me if i wanted to go to. there's also a YMCA pass. so i could go with or without the barbarian. but i don't have a bathing suit. i haven't been to the store recently, they probably have all the fall clothes out.
eww, i just looked in the box from the food pantry and they gave me canned green beans.I HATE CANNED GREEN BEANS! i love fresh ones. steamed with a little ginger. i'm going to h's father's house wed. for dinner. h and i are going to doing the cooking.
he has this new friend that he met on the web. yesterday he told me that he fell asleep during a deep kiss. i tried not to laugh too much. the good thing about IM is that you can LYAO without the other person knowing.
i'd kill for a pizza long about now. the only thing about the food pantry is that you get a lot of canned stuff, vegetables and fruit, but you don't really get meals, except for the macaroni and cheese. which is what i'll be having tonight. i wish it was Stouffers but it's out of a box. should still be good.
no cleaning yet. spent the day napping.
my sister is being weird. i left her a message on wednesday or thursday and i haven't heard from her. i asked her if she wanted my extra a/c and asked her when she got married. i haven't talked to her since the beginning of the week.i don't know why she's being so secretive about the whole thing. to not tell your sister that you got married? that's just weird. the only reason i know is because she was talking about the doctor putting the wrong last name on her scripts. the whole thing is very weird. like she's embarrassed about the whole thing. i don't know.just plain weird.
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Friday, July 28, 2006
i raided the penny penguin
dreadfully in need of cigarettes, i broke into the penguin. he's about two feet high. the whole at the bottom is meant to put sand in. i drilled a hole in his head, filed it into a slot, and in the pennies go. anyway, i didn't think that i had much but it got me over eight dollars at one of those little coin machines.that's two packs of cigarettes. yippeee! and there are more pennies in there.
today would have been my mother's 72nd birthday. i don't really feel anything about it. never been one to let anniversaries get to me. if there's a time that gets to me it's early winter, watching her die just after christmas. i should go to the cemetery to clean up the graves. my dad's is always well tended. he's in the same plot as my grandmother, grandfather, a great aunt. my uncle keeps it nice. but there's my mother's, my brother's and my grandmother and grandfather's. my sister won't go to the cemetery and i know my brother doesn't so it leaves me. but i won't go on about that. but if sean was still around, i'd ask her to go with me. if i moved with my trowel, i have no idea where it is. but i don't want to go with the barbarian. she's all right. i'm starting to like her a ilttle more. she's starting to get my sense of humor. hell, sometimes i don't get my sense of humor.
the squid will be back on tuesday. doesn't feel like it's been two weeks.sometimes when she is pondering what to say, the expression on her face looks like she's trying to open a pickle jar. i guess that would make me the pickle jar.
even with sean gone, i'm starting to feel better. the magical clozaril. i actually feel like cleaning the apartment. i think i'll tackle that this weekend. the nurse will faint on monday. though it won't be regular nurse. she'll faint on wednesday.
the severe thunderstorms we were supposed to have never appeared. it's cool enough now though to have just the fan on the a/c. and the front door open. the only cat who's out is ella. so i can't go to bed until she comes in.
no nurse tomorrow so i get to try to sleep late. yay!
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a-oo-gah!
frozen bananas. chocolate covered frozen bananas lime popsicles. italian ice. slush puppies. ah, the summer foods of my youth. so far i've had fudgicles. but my haste brought me to accidently get sugar free. not quite the same. should have gone for the popsicles. sighhhh
i got some wonderful oranges at the food pantry. they don't usually have fresh produce. the barbarian picked up some romaine lettuce for me too. though i don't know what i'm going to use it for. i have to get some bread. the bread from the food pantry was dry and crunchy and very stale. i felt like i was going to break a tooth trying to bite into it. don't know why i take bread from there. it's always that way. it's inedible. i'm a slow learner.
wednesday, once i've gotten my check, we're going to Costco. i don't know if that's a national chain or not. but they sell items in bulk.
saw marian (oops), the barbarian for trash and coffee. got all my papers together to apply for food stamps.
the strangest thing is happening. everytime i look at the clock on the puter, it's smack dab on the hour. it's starting to freak me out. really. i'm sure it's the work of evil-doers. sooner or later, the bat-faced little fuckers will show themselves.
i just pulled out all my change to get some bread. had a tuna sandwich i even got peanut butter from the food pantry. peanut butter sandwiches. and i have some preserves that i got last month or the month before. peanut butter and jelly sammiches, yea! it's too bad they don't give out butter or half and half.i'm kind of surprised that they don't give butter. i guess they dont' get it because it has a long shelf life.
i told the barbarian about my hands spasming and my dropping things. i didn't know whether to call the pdoc or the regular doc. she said to start out with the pdoc first. of course, she's not in on fridays. i'll have to call her first thing on monday. i felt like all i was talking today was gibberish. having a hard time thinking of words.i could tell by the look on the barbarian's face when i wasn't making sense. it was really hard to talk to her today. literally. the words kept escaping me. it was frustrating me.
we're supposed to get some serious thunderstorms this afternoon. wish i could send them to you, Babs.
ella's outside. i'll have to get her in before they start. i don't know why she's choosing to be outside in the 90+ degrees.
when i went outside, my glasses fogged up. i hate that.
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Thursday, July 27, 2006
no salt added
you kind of take it for granted that cottage cheese is going to have a little salt in it. i went to the food pantry yesterday and got some no salt added cottage cheese. the choice was that or powdered milk. so i went up to my sisters and got some salt in a ziploc bag. i don't have salt in the house. i never use it. great, i just put way too much in. it tastes like cottage cheese flavored salt. fortunately, i got two containers of cottage cheese so that i can just add some from the other container and it won't be so awful. ain't i smart?
i took all my prns hoping to go to sleep. still wide awake. sometimes, it feels like those things don't do a thing.
i'm off to make some macaroni and cheese.
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Tuesday, July 25, 2006
yes, we have no bananas
i guess i'm not going to the food pantry tomorrow. never heard from the barbarian. i could have called her, but i'm not that hungry yet. since i cancelled on her both days last week, she may be waiting for me to call. if you ask me, it's her job to check on me. if she read any part of my file, she knows that i tend to isolate. and won't neccessarily speak up if i have no food. it's easier to write in here than it is to ask for her help. the office is closed but i can still leave her voicemail. i guess i'm going to have to. it's much easier to leave a message. damn, i miss sean. she never would have let a week go by without speaking to me. she would have showed up at the door.
okay, left a message for the barbarian. i hope we can go to the food pantry tomorrow. i'm really hungry. i'm holding off having the pineapple until i'm really, really hungry. hey it's my blog and i can write about food/no food if i want to. i'd love one of those burgers Babs brought back from her dad's.
okay enough about food. saw marsha today instead of tomorrow. i ended up going to get my meds. i've been a nervous wreck driving. afraid i'm going to hit something or someone. like i can't keep track of what i'm doing. can't pay attention. sometimes it feels like a video game. man, i certainly am whiny today. i'll stop.
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Houston, we have a problem
i bought a different shampoo and i hate it. it weighs my hair down. makes it look dirty. like on Seinfeld when they put the low pressure showerheads in and everyone's hair was flat. it was Neutrogena, i thought it would be good. there's six bucks down the drain. literally. i get my check on monday. one of the first things i'll get is some decent shampoo. most shampoos make my hair look like someone rubbed a balloon on it. at least it's just long enough to put in a ponytail. the place i usually go to get my hair cut costs 32dollars with the five dollar tip included. it's outrageous. there's a place here who gives haircuts for ten bucks. but i don't want to break in a new person. maybe next month. the last time i got a haircut for ten dollars, it was a disaster. but that was a different place. this place, regular nurse said her daughter went and got a "cute" haircut.
haven't heard from the barbarian. i wonder if we'll be going to the food pantry tomorrow. i have nothing in the house except a can of pineapple and some marshmallows that i got for the chocolate fountain. i ate one and it was so gross. all sugar. i used to love marshmallows when i was a kid. guess it's one of those things like...like something or other. perhaps like cotton candy. i've been craving that for months. i have a little more than a month before the fair comes to town. can get cotton candy there. that and fried dough. i love fried dough. most people go to the fair for the horse racing. i hate horse racing. dog racing. any of that. i like to see the animals. bunnies, chicks, etc. the last time i went they had a biting horse. why they chose a horse with that kind of personality to show, i don't know. they had a couple of signs that said not to try to pet him. then, why have him there? they had ducklings, they were so cute. not like the ducks in this neighborhood.:) they were running around stepping on each other. falling over each other. years ago, a friend of mine and her husband had to live with his parents while their house was being built and she had several bunnies. it got really cold out and the MIL bitch wouldn't let my friend bring the bunnies in the house and they froze to death. i felt so bad for her. and i doubt that her MIL felt the least bit guilty. she was a real bitch. i don't know how my friend lived with them. the MIL from hell. when my mother had an a/c before h and i did, i used to take the mice over there when it got really hot. h even rigged them up a fan from a computer to cool them off. ii miss having mice. but i don't trust anyone to determine the sex of a mouse. last time i was supposed to have two females, yeah right. eleven baby mice later... and i never want to have male mice again. their urine smells to high heaven. like cat spray, only worse. much worse. if you get it on your clothes, the smell never goes away. instant rag. smelly rag. good for checking your oil.
it's starting to get hot in here. doh, maybe i should turn on the a/c.....in a little bit. okay, it's been a little bit, the a/c has been activated. much better.
the nurse this morning didn't have all of my pills. she's supposed to call to make arrangemnts to get them to me. i'm going to make them come to me. trying, like the rest of the country, to save gasoline. they get paid for mileage, i don't.
regular nurse told me this morning that i should get my blood drawn again on friday and to plan to start going on friday from now on. apparently there's a lot of paperwork and a lot of people involved in the process and it's not getting done in time. thus, no pills. they can't prescribe the pills every week until they get the results of my blood work. it's all a pain in the ass, i guess. so i get to be stabbed twice this week. yippee!
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Monday, July 24, 2006
just a pinch...
just came from getting my blood drawn. i don't know why but it's starting to bother me. never did before. maybe it's the every week thing. i used to like watching the tube fill up, now i don't watch any of it. she left me with a nasty bruise this morning.
oh, the mail. i hate the mail. oh,surprise. it seems to be only a catalog, i can deal with that. :) sean used to take the recycling. now i have to throw it out.
ducklady just got in her pool. bitch. oops, did i say that? it's a perfect day for swimming. for the lake or the beach. i'd like to just float on my back in the water. i've never been skinny-dipping. am i the only one? i'd do a survey, but i forget where to get that stuff.
okay, i'm out of things to say.....
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Friday, July 21, 2006
very frustrating
i can't read people's posts unless they're short. i just don't have the concentration. i'm having the same problem with email. it's pissing me off.
the barbarian was supposed to come here today. i called and cancelled. one difference between her and sean. sean would call and see if i was all right. the barbarian doesn't. i cancelled on her twice this week.so i didn't see her at all. and she doesn't seem at all concerned. i could be totally decompensating and she wouldn't know. it's her job to make sure i'm okay. maybe she's just respecting my decision. she still should be making sure that i'm all right. like i said, it's her job.
it's taking me forever to write this post. i can't think of the words that i want.
oh, i give up. i'll come back when my thoughts are clearer.
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10:32 AM ::
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Thursday, July 20, 2006
bless the a/cs
i don't care if the little weather pixie says it's only in the eighties. it's damned humid and i just turned on my a/c. so shoot me for being a wuss. i cough less when it's on. the arthritis in my knees feels better when it's on. the humidity makes the pain in my knees almost unbearable. it's brought tears to my eyes a few times. i don't know how people live in pain all the time. my sister does, with her back. there are a lot of things she can't do but she's a trooper.
so what about this dew point crap? what does it mean? i got the definition off dictionary.com. but what does it really mean? the higher it is, what? is it better to be higher or lower? and why do i care? i just checked my weather pixie to find that they think it's only 79 degrees. and found that they had the dew point on there as well. i figure, if i'm ever on Jeopardy, knowing what a dew point means could come in handy.
i tried taking a nap but couldn't. i haven't been taking naps since they went up on the clozaril. it's supposed to be sedating.
i have to call the dr. and make an appt. about my couch. er, cough. this peeing and vomiting is not acceptable. i'll call tomorrow. i should have called today. the last time i was there, he used the term "wad of mucus." isn't there some medical term for that? one that doesn't sound so disgusting.
i was talking to someone and asked how long i should wait before i give up on sean calling. her opinion was that if she was going to call, she'd have done it alreay. made my heart sink. but i think she's right.
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Wednesday, July 19, 2006
i called sean
got her voicemail. last evening. left her some kind of stupid message that i don't even remember. i figure, if she doesn't call back in a couple of days, i'll consider her lost.
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Tuesday, July 18, 2006
denise kindly told me how do links on my posts. guesss what? i don't have that option. fuckin damn, damn, damn.
i LOVE my mac. wouldn't have anything else. but so many things aren't mac-friendly, i just want to rip someone's head off.
most of the animated films are done on macs. Monsters Inc. all the ones like that. the Pixar ones.
ah, the ducklady just got into her pool. i can't see them once they're in there. there's a fence. but it's an above ground pool so i can see them climbing in and out. it's fucking hot out there. high 90s. heat index of 100.
h didn't say no to going to the lake at the state park. he didn't say yes either. he's good at that. but usually no yes at the beginning means no. maybe i'll invite lydia. haven't seen her in a while.
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Monday, July 17, 2006
no mac, no mac, windoze
Saturday:
last night was kind of tough. i'm not sure why.i tried to get into the Asylum chat but it wouldn't let me in. not designed for macs. am i the only one out here with a mac? dammit. i miss all the good stuff.damn. damn. damn.
Sunday:
i think i slept through most of saturday. if it wasn't for my puter telliing me when it was, i'd have no idea. i missed two calls. i just listened to the voice mail. i guess i was really out of it to miss two calls. the phone is only a foot away from me when i sleep. and it still plays the theme to Sesame Street. maybe i need something like John Phillips Sousa. but i like my sesame street. it makes people smile.
just got off the phone with h. it's amazing how much time he has to call and email now that he's been dumped. and he's already on some online dating services. he really hates to be alone. if it was me, i'd think that i'd want a little time before diving into the pool again. i didn't tell him that, i just thought it. he knows what's best for him, i guess. i hope.
he was out there with no shirt to clip his headset to, so it was just dangling while he threw firewook into the truck. it fell out a few times. he actually tried to clip it to his ear and found that was not a good idea, painwise.
i have no obligations tomorrow. no squid, no barbarian, nothing except getting my blood drawn. and the regular nursing visit. sometimes i'm so sick of all the nurses. but currently, they are neccessary. some days i see no one but the nurses. i long for a cabin in the woods. with wonderful plumbing and heating. and a fireplace, and a jacuzzi. and someone to pay for all that.
i was IMing someone earlier today and she said, she didn't comment because she couldn't think of something funny to say. i told her it didn't have to be funny. okay, she never reads my blog, it's tiny. and i think she could use some support right now. she said she's feeling disconnected from every one. some support emails might help. hey babs or denise! how do i make tiny's address linked to her name? i went search through a tutoriial and only managed to lose the post. thank goodness for 'recover post." everything does seem kind of abnormal around here. no one is posting very much. and next time i will remember to open a new tab before going to the tutorial.
i went to get some cigarettes today and was behind someone wearing wearing a shirt of someone with a NASCAR name who will not be mentioned in this blog. i almost threw up. i had to thoink of england and carry on.
right now i'm trying to decide what to cut with. i can go get my bood drawn as long as i tell them which arm. as long as i get the vanilla smelling tourniquet put on my right arm, i'll be fine. i don't know why it smells like vanilla. i've commented on it a couple of times. they don't know why either. i think i'll ask for a strawberry tourniquet tomorrow.
hell it seems a lot later than it is.
Mr. Duck went without a shirt today. one of those middle aged men who shoudn't go without a shirt on. but he was going in the pool, so....
i can see them going in and out, because it's an above ground pool. i should cut him a break. it was 94 to 96 today. and no breeze. and the duck lady looks even funnier in shorts. it looks lke the ducklady..oy vey. it looks like the ducklady is trying to look like a duck.
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Friday, July 14, 2006
close call
i finally took the car to the garage today. (the oil light had been flashing and i couldn't get the hood open) i didn't go to my regular one, i took to a place a couple blocks away, that my sister had suggested. he popped the hood open in two seconds and showed me how to do it. no, i'm not that stupid, the cable is broken. his employee pulled the dipstick- no oil! wtf? if i had driven to my regular place...well, goodness knows what could have happened. the whole car could have been ruined. it's a great car. a corolla. green.
the barbarian was here today. she brought coffee thinking we were going to go through all my bills. hahaha silly her. she ended up following me to the garage then we went to the grocers while they were working on the car. my exciting purchase was cherries. haven't had any yet. i haven't had cherries in years, literally.
so the squid was supposed to call sean last evening. she called this morning and apologized for forgetting. i had a feeling that once she got home, she'd forget. now the squid is on vacation for two weeks. she asked me if i'd be comfortable calling sean. i said, i guess i could do that, thinking, no i can't do that. i don't know what i am going to do. i wish sean would just come back. dammit! it would be so good to see her.it's been a month, i think, since i've seen her.
i'm stilll faking it with the barbarian. that sounds odd, doesn't it? some s and m. did i get that right?
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Thursday, July 13, 2006
cleavage information
newly discovered use for cleavage.
it's the perfect place to put your iPod Shuffle it took me over a year to discover this. i wanted to publish this before Popular Science got a hold of it.
if you have any other cleavage information please post below before someone beats you to it.
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Wednesday, July 12, 2006
okay, about the blow up doll
one day when i was walking to work, i turned the corner and there in a Triumph convertable, in the passenger's seat, was a blow up doll. cracked me up. i figured that someone (no doubt a good friend) had put it there to embarrass the hell out of the owner of the Triumph. i could just imagine the look on his (figured it had to be a guy) face. and how do you get rid of one? you can play norman bates and stab and stab at it. you can push the air out of it. but then what do you do with it? give the trash guys a chuckle?
so anyway, that's where i got the idea of putting it on my list. gosh that was a long time ago.
and i bet you all were looking for a really good juicy explanation. sorry.
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Monday, July 10, 2006
already this morning..
i've talked with the squid. had my blood drawn. and been to the grocers. now i'm in my a/c and have no further plans to go out. why, when they draw blood, do they use the tape from hell? ripping it off removes a layer of skin, and there's more blood than they just syphoned out. why don't they just put the tape on and then rip it off, then collect the blood in an emisis basin?and there's another thing. if you're going to throw up is the basin really going to be big enough? they're worthless. i have to admit that i puked into the kitchen sink last night. couldn't make it that extra few feet to the bathroom. i get coughing so hard when i don't take my meds that it upsets my stomach. so why is it that i don't take my meds? too lazy. or plum forgetting. getting sick reminds me. d'oh!
tomorrow, i have the squid and the barbarian. did i tell you that last week, the squid and i saw two wild turkeys?she has a big window in her office. there they were, just strolling along,
yesterday i had only an ice cream cone. and it made me feel awful. like i was jumping out of my skin.
invited h to the lake at the national park. don't know if he'll go for it. it's a pretty nice place. you can bbq, swim or fish. even though part of me feels guilty about fishing, i like it. i like feeling that first little nibble. and i like reeling them in. i feel guilty that they're fighting for their lives for my sport. i wouldn't save any of them. i'd just throw them back in. does that make it worse or better? i don't know.
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Sunday, July 09, 2006
tagged again
I've Been Tagged!!!
I was tagged by Lauren.
Five Things In My Closet
a bookcase
unpacked boxes
uninstalled closet rods
the cat
that's it
Five Things In My Fridge
water
half and half
spaghetti sauce
mustard
mayo
Five Things In My Car
Emergency Kit
CDs
Jumper Cables
a paper cutter
a blow up doll
Five Things In My Purse/Wallet
a mini measuring tape
harmonica
a bunch of paper work (i don't even know what it is)
hard candy
I tag:
tiny
sam
apos
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Thursday, July 06, 2006
seaweed and other unpopular things
there is a beach in RI that we used to go to as teenagers that was just a big swamp (ocean really) filled with the damned seaweed that wrapped itself around your legs. it was disgusting. so we went there just to get sun and drink light beer.
if you wanted to go to a good beach you had to drive to NH. no seaweed. took longer to get there, but was worth it.
of course, if you went to the Maine coastline you had to deal with those big orange slugs. yeckkk. i couldn't stand those.
it's been so long since i went to cape cod, i don't even remember what it's like. but that's not an unpopular thing. unpopular things....let's see, bugs. bugs are unpopular things. especially when they're crawling on you. creepy crawly bugs. can't you feel it on your arm?
okay enough of gross things.
i was smart today when i left the house. i didn't fully close either door. i really have to get them fixed. i think h would be willing to do it.
i have to go borrow a knife from my sister to cut the potatoes for the salad i'm bringing to the bbq tomorrow evening. and i have to excavate my big bowl. i don't know why i just don't tell talksalot that i'm not going to be there. i suppose that it won't kill me to go. but if it does, tell people what happened. people must know! it is my dying wish. it must be granted. people must know how very dangerous she is.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:28 PM ::
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Wednesday, July 05, 2006
an adventure
i just got back into the house. i was locked out. there's something wrong with the front door knob. it wouldn't turn. the bulk head was locked. the window on the porch was locked. i pulled my car up to the next window and it was not locked.got the screen and the window open but standing on the car wasn't quite high enough. so i was out there pulling and pulling at the back screen door which has a hook and eye. it wasn't budging. so i decided to wait for Mr. Roo to stop home, which he usually does around lunch time. he pulled up just as i was coming back around front. i asked if i could go through his basement and ta da! i was back in my house. i was ever so grateful that he came home. i said thank you about ten times. i'm still saying thank you in my mind. he's a nice guy. now i feel like i don't dare go out. don't know what door to trust. i need someone to fix both of them for me. maybe i could ask h. i don't feel able to do it myself. and i also only own three screwdrivers and two hammers and a pair of pliers. i'm tool challenged. it's very sad. i need to get to Home Depot. sean was going to bring me. but we never got around to it.
ahhh, the a/c feels good after sweating trying to get into the house. a quick dip in a pool wouldn't be bad either.i guess i'll settle for a shower. but not now, the a/c feels too good.
i think i want some licorice. i'll get over it.
my hair is shoulder length. time to put it up in hot weather which means....a scrunchie! Denise, you have one to spare?
Posted by Lisa ::
11:37 AM ::
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cheeseburgers,potato salad and beer, oh my
as expected, h was an hour late. but he helped make dinner. i never used to let him help when we together. it's not that he's a bad cook, i just figured that he'd worked all day, i could at least make dinner. but actually the few times that i did let him help, it was more fun. and it was nice to have him help last night. even though the only thing we were doing was making cheeseburgers. he sliced the cheese and the tomatoes. and after the burgers he got up to get us some potato salad.
i didn't end up cleaning the house and he didn't faint. he actually said that it was impressive that i got the pile on the coffee table so high without it falling apart. i took that as a compliment. :)
we both had a couple of beers. i think it relaxed him. and he was laughing which was good to hear. his ex said that he couldn't come around for two weeks. he still has things there. i don't know what the two weeks is all about. neither does he. he should be able to go get his things. he's gone from being crushed to being angry and crushed. i'm glad the anger is there.
better than feeling destroyed. i've never had anyone dump me so i can listen but i can't truly understand. he gave me a long hug before he left. i think he really needed one. and it was good to see him.
we didn't end up using the chocolate fountain. we were stuffed after dinner. and i think you have to have more than a couple of people to really make it worth it. it takes an awful lot of chocolate. i had purchased five big cadbury milk chocolate bars. i got strawberries and marshmallows. no, not sleep, real marshmallows.
i think the clozaril is helping. i'm not thinking about suicide every day. i'm not cutting as much.the days are up and down. okay one day, terribly depressed the next. i know that i should get out more but i'm content here drinking diet cherry coke.
h did help me take out my trash. he was glad to. he really has a good heart. he's just so angry. hopefully the therapist will help him with that. i'm just glad that i don't have to put up with the anger on a daily basis anymore. never knew what his mood was going to be. he'd go in the morning to take a shower and he'd come out totally pissed off. the best thing was to avoid him. so i'd go into the bathroom once he was out and stay in there until he left. sad. i could tell from downstairs the way he walked down the hall what kind of mood he was in. so i knew when i should go up and hide in the bathroom.
i'm glad we're able to be friends. when we were together, every time he got ticked off i thought it was my fault. now i know that that wasn't the case. it's easier to be with him and when he gets angry, i know that it's not my fault. it's still difficult to be with him when he's angry, but again it's easier knowing that it's not my fault. even when it looks like his head is going to explode. which happens often.
i didn't plan to write so much.
if you're still here, thank you for "listening."
Posted by Lisa ::
6:21 AM ::
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Tuesday, July 04, 2006
i found it!
i finally found some diet cherry coke. i expected it to taste more cherry than it does. of course i'm drinking a warm one. the rest is in the fridge. i just couldn't wait. okay, now it's tasting like cherry.do you know that you grow new taste buds, i think it's every thirty days.
something odd is happening. first it was dropping things. now i'm finding it impossible to focus. i keep typing the wrong words. it's taken me an hour to try to write this post. i keep typing words that make no sense.then trying to figure out what i mean. vbb (that was ella.) if i get a horrible headache, i'm going to the hospital.
yep, this diet cherry coke is very good. another addiction, thanks babs.
?"::::: (ella again) i think her spelling is improving . :)
h is supposed to come over soon. he said five but knowing him, it'll be more like six. but he'll be forgiven, he's bringing the beer. and a sharp knife. i still don't know where my knives are.and i have to find my big bowl for potato salad for talksalot's cook out. why did i volunteer for that again? i wasn't even going to go. again, i had a moment of true insanity.
what did i tell? h just called and he hasn't left his dad's yet. it's almost an hour away.
but again, the beer so he is forgiven.
the weather really sucks for anyone doing anything outdoors. it rained here for a while.
i'm so glad that i got to talk to sean yesterday. i just want to see her. maybe she could come to coffee here sometime.
hopefully, h will be willing to help me take out the trash. it's taking over the kitchen. i'm sure he will if i explain.
it's so comfortable in here. hurray for air conditioning.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:38 PM ::
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Monday, July 03, 2006
happiness
i just talked to sean on the phone. i called her cell phone. it was so nice to talk to her. she said her new position was all right, not great. she said it was okay to call her. so long as i didn't tell anyone. so here i am blabbing to the entire web. and i left another message for the squid. i've come to love sean these past couple years. it was so nice to talk to her. i only had the nerve to call her because i'm half drunk. but i'm so glad i called her. i told her i was worried about her. she said she worried about me too. and not to be worried about her, she was fine. she also said that all will be revealed soon. i assume she meant that whatever made her have to change positions would be out in the open. i know that she would never treat her clients with anything but respect. i still assume that one of her clients accused her of something inappropriate. which is ridiculous. gosh, i love my a/c.i keep thinking that there won't be nurse tomorrow because it's a holiday but there will be one. it's not a major holiday, like christmas or new years..
i'm so glad that i got to talk with sean.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:18 PM ::
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impetus
i now have to clean the house. h is coming over tomorrow. not that i feel the need to impress him, i just don't want him coming in and fainting. the nurses are used to it. he isn't.
ella came down for dinner. same time every day. her stomach must have an alarm. blinggggggg!
i'm waiting to hear from my sister about whether or not we'll be playing with chocolate and strawberries this evening.
no chocolate fountain today. my sister has to work later than she thought and there was another reason i couldn't understand, but didn't have her repeat. it's okay. h and i will try it out tomorrow. if he doesn't cancel. he might be really hope i don't go out and get a mess of food and have him cancel.
i can't believe how much larger my living room is without that a/c on the floor. it's not overly hot today. the eighties but i have the air on anyway. cause i can, dagnabbit.
when i got my blood drawn this morning, i asked the woman to fax the paper work straight to the pharmacy. i asked her that last week. she said it didn't work last week, that maybe they changed the fax number. now wouldn't you call the pharmacy to ask for their fax number? every week i have to prove that i got my blood drawn before they will issue the clozaril. something to do with my white blood count.
well, i was planning to spend the rest of the day at home but i'm almost out of asthma meds so i have to go into town to pick them up. the last time i was out, they actually called the nurses to see if it was all right to give it to me. and they were like, it's asthma meds for crying out loud. of course you can give it to her. what did they think i was going to with it? it's a fucking asthma inhaler .fembots.
it seems much later in the day than it is. no nap. that must be it.
i saw the squid today because of the holiday tomorrow. she still hadn't heard back from sean. she offered to call a couple more times. i didn't really answer her. i just called and left her a message that yes, i'd like her to try again.i don't know why she hasn't called the squid. so of course, i feel that it was something i've done. i don't know what to think.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:16 PM ::
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Sunday, July 02, 2006
active dream life
i was so confused. i woke up at eight thirt and thought it was eight thirty at night. turns out it was eight-thirty in the morning. i had slept through the night. i don't remember the last time that happened. iit was sure as hell a surprise to me.
i keep waking up doing something with my hands. like drinking coffee or making a cheeseburger, it's quite strange. never had that happen before. then didn't totally wake up, just for a few seconds. that was a babble, sorry.
i have to go meet marsha to get some meds that the morning nurse won't have in the morning. yep, regular nurse will be back from bermuda. she was bitching before she left that marsha was going to go to europe, that she is able to go to europe she only been on two cruises and has two more coming up. poor thing.
did you know that your ears and nose never stop growing? and how about Andy Rooney's eyebrows? someone has to take a weedwhacker to those things. he's starting to look like a sheep dog.
you can tell when i'm depressed. i eat meat. i'm going to get a whopper on the way home.
thank you for for the a/c it much more comfotable in here than out there. i hate it all night and i slept nice on the couch.
i have another air contioner but it's in the in the cellar and i don't want to ask anyone to bring it along two floors. the couch is comfortable.
Posted by Lisa ::
10:05 PM ::
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Saturday, July 01, 2006
hit by a truck
that's how i feel today. i can't seem to wake up.
i went to my appt. with mr. fakesideburns. fortunately it's always a short meeting. i can't take him for too long. i din't even look to see if he had drawn on his sideburns today. i try to make as little eye contact as possible.
i got my check. and the barbarian was right. the first thing i bought was cigarettes. and mac and cheese mix.
the next thing to do is to get in touch with the phone company and get my phone turned back on. although it's been kind of peaceful without it. not that it rings a helluva lot, but still. oh crap, their site is down, i'm going to have to talk to a real person. i hate that. can't do it that way even. they direct you to a number to make from a landline phone or to the web page. hopefully that will be up again soon. hrmphh. oh joy the site is back up. paymemt made. phone already working.they're fast.
at least i assume it's working. i made a call out. which i couldn't do before. we'll see if it rings. i called my sister but didn't leave a message so she might call back.
the barbarian just insn't sean. sean would help with phone calls, the barbarian just tells me what to do. she doesn' t know how hard it is for me.
(yesterday)
(today)
making some mac and cheese for lunch.
i think i mentioned that i keep getting twitches in my hands that make me drop things. i called the med clinic this noon and couldn't understand why they were telling me to call me to call back during business hours. it took me a while to realise that it's satuday. this has to be a side effect from something .
it's 90 and they're mowing the lawn. glad it's them and not me.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:00 PM ::
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