Wednesday, May 31, 2006
the barbarian
met with her at noontime. no news about sean. i only had one quarter to put in the meter but some how didn't get a ticket. yay! a quarter gives you 30 minutes and i was there for almost an hour. i was early, she was late. you must have to be chronically late to work at that office.
i under cooked my spaghetti last night. actually i had it at two in the morning. crunchy spaghetti. not good.
i'll try again tonight.
both the Roos are home early. she-Roo is planting flowers in the back. i wish i gave a shit to do something like that. though i do have a rose bush out there. i didn't plant it. it came with the condo. actually there are two bushes. one in the back of the house and one on the side. the one on the side didn't flower last year but the other one bloomed until october, white roses.
i have peonies in the front yard. they should be blooming any day now. i'll take a picture when it does. i think they're peonies, somebody told me that. don't remember who it was.
i was asleep when regular nurse came this morning. the clozaril makes it hard to wake up. last night i took it and stayed up. i was walking into things. felt like i was drunk. couldn't focus on the puter screen with or without my glasses. it was hard to keep my eyes open. eventually went to bed. woke up a couple hours later and had my crunchy spaghetti. left a mess in the kitchen and went back to bed. i think i woke up because my stomach was growling. i hadn't had anything to eat all day.
one thing i can say for the clozaril is that it's really helped my dreaming. i don't wake up exhausted because i've dreamed all kinds of disturbing things. now i just have normal dreams. well, what i consider normal. it's a great relief.
oliver is so cute. he's stretched out on the bare floor in front of the door. he must be getting a little breeze there.
the wire just came out of my bra. damned walmart products! now i'm crooked.
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Tuesday, May 30, 2006
a little help
back from meeting with marsha. she asked when my next pdoc appt was. when i told her, she said she was going to call the pdoc directly and get me a sooner appt. we also made plans to meet next week instead of waiting til the week after. and i'm going to go into the office over the weekend.
i stopped on the way back home to write a rubber check for some cigarettes and sleeping pills. it may not bounce. i may be able to deposit my ssi check before it gets back to the bank. that would be good. d'oh.
i have an annoying headache. probably dehydrated from the damned weather. i should have gotten the a/c in the car fixed last summer when i could afford it. but no, i put it off. now i wish that i hadn't.
i guess spy squid didn't find out anything. i never heard from her.
it was nice to see marsha. she's the one who doesn't talk to me the whole visit. she gives me time to talk. can make for some uncomfortable silences though.
i wish i'd been able to buy blades today. but i thought it would have looked funny showing up at the check out with sleeping pills and razor blades. i didn't have the nerve to do it. plus i had a short sleeved shirt on so my scars were there for all the world to see. it was just too damned hot to put my long sleeved shirt on. i'd have expired half way into town. which, depending on your perspective, could be a good or a bad thing.
i guess i'm going to have to ask my nephew to help me put in the air conditioner in the window. i've thought of trying to do myself. when i bought it, i got it in from the car all by myself. don't know how i did it. even with two people it's damned heavy. anyway, i've thought of doing it myself but i'm afraid i'll drop it out the window.
my nephew (same one) lived at an inn for a while and the innkeeper was taking an a/c out of the third floor window when he lost control of it and out of the window it went. got stuck in a tree. don't know how they got it down. kinda funny if you weren't the innkeeper.
when i worked in sales, (forgive me if i've already told this story), a woman called to say that there was something wrong with her a/c. it wasn't working. come to find out, she had it on her kitchen table. d'oh!!!!! she must have felt so stupid.
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car change
change is beautiful. change is beloved. hadn't had a cigarette since after the condo meeting last evening. just had one thanks to car change. dizzy as hell. ain't it grand?
the condo meeting was excruciating last night. she had already told me all the things she had to say. it was like sitting through a really bad movie for the second time. arrgggghhhh!!!!
went to see the squid today. she told me she was going to ask what nickname i gave her, but not today. she's going to make some calls and see if she can get any kind of update on sean. i doubt she's be able to find out anything. but it's worth a try. the squid is on vacation next week. but she's going to call me thursday and friday. i keep thinking it's wednesday. she'll call me tomorrow too.
i just left a message for the barbarian to see if we can go to the food pantry tomorrow. it's always easier to leave voicemail than to ask someone in person. she won't be in til tomorrow.
god, i want sean to come back. so much that it hurts.
i just called the pdoc and they don't have anything until the 23rd of june. i know that if i called her directly she'd find a space to see me. but as i don't like going, i doubt that i'm going to do that. sean would be all over them to find a sooner appt.
i'm going to see marsha today. feels like a long time since i've seen her. it has been a few weeks. she'll be very understanding about sean.
everything seems like such a mess. i don't know how much longer i can deal with this. it's eating me up. i'm starting to feel desperate for relief. i wish i had a pill that would really knock me out. being awake is painful. i just don't want to face things.
i don't want to see the barbarian tomorrow. i want to hide in bed all day. every day until this situation with sean is worked out and i know whether or not she's coming back.
the lawn ball is in extreme danger. i keep thinking of how much pleasure i'd get from destroying it. whacking it over and over with my wiffle ball bat. becoming a total maniac. after the lawn ball come the cement boots. i think the best way to handle that is to take it up to the third floor and hurl it into the street. while i'm on a roll, i might as well douse the lilac bushes with gasoline so that i won't be bothered by them next year. let's see.....what else can i do to neighbor #2? maybe i should branch out and include other neighbors.maybe i could get someone else here and have them lie in ducklady's driveway and i could outline them in chalk. see if they notice. or get some police line, do not cross ribbon and put it across their driveway. could you imagine coming home to that? that would be fun to watch.
i'm certainly in a mean mood today. but it's fun to think about these little projects. takes my mind off of other things. for a short period, anyway.
Posted by Lisa ::
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Monday, May 29, 2006
pocket change and glee
thank goodness for pocket change! today it bought creamer for ella and myself. i could do without it but ella is used to having it. and i have to admit that my iced coffee tastes better with a little creamer in it. thus, the glee.
two and a half hours til the condo meeting. here come the chest pains. talkslot has already been over here to tell me that it's being held outside because she doesn't feel like cleaning her house. it's very hot and humid out. should be fun to watch each other sweat.
the squid called this morning. she's very prompt. she's going on vacation, not this week but next week. she said that she'd call sean before then and try to get some information. it feels like it's been forever since i talked to sean. i've lost all track of time.
it's so hot, i'm toying with the idea of not wearing my long sleeve shirt to hide the scars. i don't know. haven't made up my mind yet. i guess i'll make up my mind as i'm going out the door.
i'm really not looking forward to this. looks like we're going to have a hell of a thunderstorm.
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Sunday, May 28, 2006
lawn balls and cement shoes
well, in addition to the lawn ball, neighbor #2 now has a planter that looks like cement boots. good grief.
i realized that i can't invite myself over to my sister's for dinner tomorrow because we have a fucking condo meeting that i said that i'd go to. i don't know why she made it on a holiday. idiot. i was imagining burgers on the grill. with melted cheese. lots of mayonaise, maybe a slice of tomato. okay, now i'm hungry.
neighbor #2's lilacs are all dead! hurray! i can breathe again. lilacs and cut grass make me feel like i'm smothering. even with my allergy meds.
sounds like the roos are having an argument. lovely.first time i've heard them argue. now sounds like she's vacuuming the same room over and over again. probably running the vacuum just to piss him off. no better way to shut up a man than to vacuum. well, maybe a few other ways.
it's a beautiful day here. i have no desire to get out. but i do have the doors open. though there doesn't seem to be much of a breeze. my weather pixie says it's 75 but i think it's warmer than that.
all the cats are asleep. sometime during the night, the cats and i pushed the comforter onto the floor. much easier to find than underwear.
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Saturday, May 27, 2006
well run dry...
i can't think of anything to write.
it's loud around here today. everyone mowing their lawns. earlier i heard some people down the street playing horseshoes. they were pretty good from the clanging i could hear. then that stopped and i was treated to intermittent squeals. i assume they switched to lawn darts.
i'm thinking of inviting myself over to my sister's for dinner monday. for something other than pasta. i've only had it for two days and i'm sick of it. we have many days left. maybe Babs could air-lift me one her dad's hamburgers.
i ended up borrowing 50 bucks from my nephew to make the bank happy and to get cat supplies. just barely made it. did get another kind of spaghetti sauce at wallyworld. whoopie! got together all my change and got some creamer for ella and cigarettes. (not for ella) so glad i save my change rather than using it. thinking ahead!! yep, that's what that's called.
i really hope there's some news about sean this week. the poor thing, must be going through shit. i'd really like to beat the shit out of the person responsible for this. in fact i'd take great glee in the act. beating the living bejeezus out of them. sounds good.
guess i did have something to say. :)
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Friday, May 26, 2006
rubber lizards
i worked at this nursing home a long, long time ago. there was this resident who had this big green rubber lizard that he'd make attack you. you also had to be careful because he'd grab your butt.
i was supposed to go out with lydia. she called and she was with a friend at dunkin' donuts and, instead of the foot long weiners we were going to get she asked about pizza. fine. then she asked if her friend could come. what was i supposed to say? sure, of course. then she called back again as they were leaving dunkin' donuts and asked about chinese. i told her that i was getting really tired and told them to go ahead. i'm not up to meeting a new person today. i have pasta in the house, that's it. better than nothing, i know. actually it sounds pretty good if someone else would prepare it. i have no energy. i feel like just lying on the floor.
i just called my sister to see if she wanted to go to wallyworld tomorrow. she's game. she's actually going to make a list. all i need (well, can afford) are kitty supplies. i'm glad she's willing to go.
oh, did i mention that she and bumblefuck are getting married? no shit. she needs the health insurance. she told me last night and i just started laughing. i know. how rude. i was apologizing but kept laughing. i'll give her a proper apology tomorrow. i just never know what she's going to say about him. took me totally by surprise, thus the laughter. she said that after all these years, they're going to make it or they're not. a piece of paper won't make a difference. i guess that's true. just makes it harder to split up.
that's the news from my pathetic little town.
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COFFEE with the barbarian
it wasn't so bad. god, i miss sean. the barbarian said she didn't have any updates. i didn't bother to ask, she volunteered. i figured if she had anything to tell me, she would. this really sucks. i'm sure you're all tired of hearing about it. but it's my blog and all that.
i'm lost without sean. truly lost. she knows me so well. the barbarian, she doesn't know anything about me. it's like starting all over again. i put on my best pretend face with her this morning. i don't know how many times i can do that.
i am so fucking depressed. i want to cut. no blades, just a dull swiss army knife. this fuckin' sucks!! i don't know what to do.
my friend Lydia and i are supposed to go for foot long hotdawgs this evening after she gets out of work. i don't feel up to it but i'm going to go anyway.
talksalot just came to the door. she said the condo fees are going to go up in the fall. fabulous. she also said that they're looking into adoption. i thought i was safe from kids here. at least they're way at the other end. i like kids, i just don't want the noise.though i suppose the roos will be having kids at some point. then they'll be right next to me. i don't like noise. blech!
i'm going to take a nap.
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Thursday, May 25, 2006
romper room
that show isn't on anymore, is it? i want things to be as easy as they were on romper room. the biggest decision being what color milk you want. well, maybe not that easy. i don't know. musical chairs was always annoying. with someone ending up sitting on your lap. hated that. i'm just babbling. keep thinking about sean. how long is this thing going to go on? it's been almost two weeks. and it's marian the barbarian tomorrow. i know i have to give her a chance. but i'd rather not meet with anyone. i'd rather spend my days sleeping. at least i meet with the barbarian fairly early. so the rest of the day i can sleep if i want to.
the squid said she'd call over the weekend but she was afraid things would get too hectic and she wouldn't be able to. she's working monday though. and she said even if i still have laryngitis, to keep our appt. on tuesday. and that if she heard anything from sean she would tell me.
i'm glad it's the squid calling me everyday and not the barbarian. that would really suck. i'd have to call her a bad name and hang up. really.
time to leave to meet my sister.
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006
tinkle tinkle
that's what my grandmother used to say. she had to tinkle. well i did a good job tinkling in my sleep in the early morning hours. this time i know where all my clothes are. guess i have to do laundry today.
i called marian the barbarian and left a message that i wasn't leaving the house today. i wouldn't be meeting her for coffee. i haven't heard back from her. don't know if she got the message or if she's sitting in the cafe wondering where i am. hehe
not my fault if she doesn't check her messages.
she just called. she got my message. i really don't like her. i just want sean back. this sucks. i hate this. i don't want to meet with someone i don't like. and she talked about next week too. how the hell long is this thing with sean going to take to be resolved? doesn't seem like they're counting on it anytime soon. this is making me crazy.fuck!!!
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Tuesday, May 23, 2006
marian the barbarian
the squid called while i was at lunch. she said that sean told her basically what she told me. and that she wanted to assure me that she'd call me when all this assinine stuff is cleared up. my words, not hers. the squid is going to start checking on me on a daily basis.
then while i was waiting to have my blood drawn, marian the barbarian called. she's the assistant program director of sean's agency. she said she was going to be my person during sean's leave. and even though i didn't want to, we made plans to meet for coffee tomorrow. i don't want to meet with her. she's the enemy. evil. damn.
i guess the good thing is that i'm not being assigned to another worker. marian the barbarian doesn't usually meet with clients. so it's not permanent.
my sister called. she has thursday and friday off so we're going to prime rib thursday dinner. she said, her treat. she must be making good money. i'll be able to find out exactly what is that she's doing at work. although she said it was so slow today, she brought a book and read for half an hour. tough job, eh?
lunch with h's father and his girlfriend was nice. i had a cheeseburger, babs. but they didn't melt the cheese on, they cooked the burger and then put the cheese on. what's the point? i don't know. even at Booger King, they melt the cheese.
h's father gave me a hundred and sixty dollars to get me through the month. talksalot's check cleared. i was so worried about that. i'm not going to be able to repay him in full next month but hopefully the majority of it can go back to him. i really didn't know what i was going to do for cat food and litter. if sean was around, and i told her, she'd find a way to get money for the cat supplies but she ain't so i didn't know what i was going to do. sometimes you just feel like using the word: ain't. got that out of my system. i'm good for another six months.
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got COFFEE
there i was, lamenting the fact that i couldn't afford coffee, when i suddenly remembered that i had year old gift certificates to dunkin donuts. my nephew had given them to me for Christmas. along with printed out maps to all of the dunkin donuts in the area. very sweet. not sure why he thought i was so big on dunkin donuts but boy did i appreciate those gift certificates yesterday. i had enough to get a pound of COFFEE!!! i'm enjoying some now. thank you nephew!
i cancelled my appt. with the squid because it's such a strain to talk. it seemed stupid to go in there and exhaust myself talking about her plants. although today i would be talking about sean.
i'm having lunch with H's father today. i haven't seen him in forever. and hopefully his girlfriend will be able to make it too. not H's girlfriend, his father's.
just got a call from the squid. she said that she'd gotten a message from sean. first sean wanted my permission to talk to the squid. no problem. the squid got the impression that sean wanted to relay some information that she couldn't give me directly. the squid said she'd call her back this morning and then call me. this whole thing seems like such a mess. it must be making sean crazy that she can't be in touch with her clients. she's very dedicated. but i guess you all know that by now.
sean's agency is open now. i wonder if either of the people i called there will call me back. actually, i called three people there. i guess i was really desperate for information yesterday. i still am but i'm not pulling my hair out about it this morning.
although now that i'm writing about it, i'm getting worked up again. okay, next subject.
oh, i found my underwear. it was thrown on the base of the excercise bicycle. don't know why i didn't see it before. though it is usually dark in there whenever i'm in there. i don't turn on the bedroom light cause i don't have shades or anything up. and obviously i'm not using my bike very much or i'd have discovered the underwear on the pedal. i must have thrown them at the dirty laundry pile and fallen short.
the program manager from sean's office just called. he said that she was on leave. that nothing had been decided about whether she was leaving or not. that she was on leave and if that changed, he would tell me. didn't sound very encouraging. he kept saying the same thing over and over again. i said the wrap up thank you about three times but he just continued to stumble his way through what he'd already said. i hate it when people don't know when to hang up. damn, i feel worse after talking to him. i don't like him. nope, not at all. shit. i'm really upset.
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Monday, May 22, 2006
FUCK!!!
out of all the calls i made today, the one to sean's cell phone is the only one that was returned. she said if they found out that she called me, she would be immediately fired. i told her that they wouldn't hear it from me. she said that it was okay that i called her and that she was on administrative leave. she didn't say why. i was just glad to hear from her. she said no matter what happened, she wouldn't bail on me. i still don't really know what's going on but at least i know that she's all right.
i have horrible laryngitis from allergies (damned lilacs), so it was hard to talk to her. i don't know what will happen. but knowing that she's all right makes a difference. i guess i'll just have to wait and see.
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desperate
i finally gave in and called sean's cell number. which i shouldn't have done. she didn't answer but i left a message telling her that half of the people were telling me that she had left, and half the people were telling me that she was on leave. i apologized for calling her cell but told her that i was really upset. i hope she calls back to tell me what's really going on. i don't know what i'm going to do if she tells me she's gone for good. other than a lot of cutting. it's taking all i have not to cut now.
h. 's father came to my rescue financially. i'm meeting him for lunch at a hole in the wall tomorrow and he's going to give me some cash to put into my account. hopefully, talksalot won't try to cash the check before then.
i just called the program manager where sean works again. still no answer. this is making me nuts. conflicted stories, no return calls. fuck. how would they like it if they were treated this way?
i went back to sleep after my alarm this morning. before the nurse came this morning and left a drool stain the size of
Rhode Island on my couch pillow. damn.
fuck!
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3:10 PM ::
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breakdown alert!
okay, this morning, regular nurse said that she got a message that sean was leaving CSS. i chalked it up to her misunderstanding. when i talked to marsha this afternoon, she said that she got a message that sean was no longer with CSS. one nurse misunderstanding, okay. but two?
i have calls into everyone i know at CSS. i want to know what the hell is going on. last monday, the last time i met with sean, we made plans for the next day. then tuesday i got a call saying she was on leave. i don't know what the hell is going on. but you can be damned sure i'm going to find out. if sean has left, i don't know what the hell i'll do. well, i'll cut but that's a given. i'm just waiting for one of three people to call me back. i'm really upset. it took me so long to trust her. what if she is leaving? i can't stand the thought of it. it's making me cry. i can't stand the thought of her not being around. and why couldn't she say good bye to her clients? i'm just waiting to get some answers. FUCK!
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Sunday, May 21, 2006
it's gone
okay, in my previous post i explained about waking up in different underwear then i went to bed in. i can't find that pair of underwear. it's nowhere. not in the laundry pile, not in the bathroom, not tossed on the floor, it's nowhere. i've lost my underwear. this is very upsetting. not about the underwear itself, but the forgetting.wasn't there a South Park episode about someone stealing underwear? little gnomes or something?
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8:06 AM ::
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figure this one out
i just woke up. just in my underwear. different underwear than i went to bed in. obviously, i had one of my peeing accidents but i don't remember anything. nothing. i wonder where the wet clothes are. whether i put them in the laundry pile or was perhaps being used as a pillow. i don't have a clue. i'm pretty sure it wasn't being used as a pillow. hehe. kind of freaky though. i can't believe that i don't remember a bit of it. and no, i didn't have two shots of tequilla before i went to bed.
i've never had tequilla actually. i don't think so, anyway. how did i get on that? oh, right, i know now.
i screwed up my check book and now the check to talksalot is going to bounce. hopefully sean's co-worker can help me figure this one out. it means no COFFEE. that is a bad thing. no cigarettes. that's a bad thing. no cat litter or dry food. that's a very bad thing. hopefully i can get this cleared up tomorrow.
i've been up two hours and so far all i've done is to tell y'all that i wet my pants. and what is wrong with my life?
oh and i cleaned the litterbox. can't forget that.
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Saturday, May 20, 2006
Easter eggs and peanut butter
no, this post has nothing to do with either but i liked the way it sounded. nice and yucky.
i've calmed down a bit about sean. there's nothing i can do about it and worrying won't help.
it's really windy. all the whirly-gigs are coming down from the maple trees. one year, H was obsessed with picking all of the maple seedlings out of the lawn. i was of the mind to just let the lawnmower take care of them. but there he was, out with a bucket picking all of them out of the lawn. he was weird sometimes.
i took a shower!! no applause please. i had to go out and get cigarettes. that's what finally settled it. haven't made it out for COFFEE yet. i figure i'll go this evening when it's not so crowded. something to look forward to. the COFFEE, not the trip to the store. store=yuck. COFFEE= good.
okay, there's this couple across the street who lets their three year old out without supervision. the same couple who have several guns and loads of ammunition. (according to talksalot.) don't ask me how she knows this. but i'm concerned about the child. this is not a busy street but still. these days, anyone could scoop him up.
it feels much later than it is. maybe all the sleeping i've done today. i don't remember what time i got up for good. sometime after one, i think. the kitties were keeping me comfy in bed. actually, that sounds good about now.
the thought keeps coming to me that sean may not come back. that would be awful. best not think about that.
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11:32 AM ::
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so much for..
sleeping late. and i'm out of COFFEE!!! this is not good. that means that i have to take a shower and all that crap before i can go out and get some more. crap.
well, we have our first million dollar house for sale in town. they moved it a couple of miles and put it near downtown. almost in downtown. i wish i'd seen them move it. i think the location sucks. it's a beautiful old house. but a million bucks? it's outrageous. i think it would be fun to show interest in it and get a tour of the inside. but i'm sure people have done that already. and i'm sure it doesn't make the real estate agent very happy. all that wasted time.
i think i'm going to go back to bed.
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Friday, May 19, 2006
oy vey
well i met with pam (sean's co-worker) today. she said something about sean being on a paperwork mission. the only thing that i can think of is that her paperwork is way behind, and they're not letting her work until she's caught up. i asked pam when she thought sean would be back and she didn't know. i think they should have at least let her call her clients and let them know when she'd be back. i think it's mean to let people wonder and worry. i worry that she won't be back at all. all this is making my stomach hurt.
the weekend. no nurses. thought maybe i'd call my sister and ask her if she would like to go to wallyworld. i need cat things. though i have absolutely no desire to go out. but if i wait, i'll have to go by myself. although if i go myself i can get some sleeping pills. just to help me relax this coming week, not to overdose on. but my sister wouldn't let me leave the store with them. no matter what my intention.
i feel lost not knowing when sean will be back. sorry to keep going back to this. it just has me really upset. i plan to sleep a lot next week. i'll go see the squid but i don't have any other appts. i'm supposed to call the pdoc's office and reschedule my cancelled appt but i think i'm going to let that slide.
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Thursday, May 18, 2006
going squirrely
yeah, still worrying about sean. that idiot who dismissed my question as to if she was all right is pissing me off. you can't just turn your caring off and on. well, maybe some of her clients can, but not this one. why do weird things happen just when you need them not to?
there's a really nice breeze this evening after a warm day. there's a spot of unkown origin on the couch cushion. i'll have to find out tomorrow whether the couch is still protected under warranty for that. i paid extra for that. then i'll have to call them. there's a stain from ollie barfing on the other cushion.
everything seems like such a mess.
talksalot is next door. i can't take her again today. once is more than enough.
*the next morning*
they just called to cancel my pdoc appt. said she was very sick and wouldn't be in today. i'm sorry she's sick but glad that i don't have to go. now i'm deciding whether or not i want to meet sean's co-worker for coffee. it's a rainy, yucky day and i'd just as soon stay in the house. i've got a little while to decide.
i guess i'm going to go. i haven't been anywhere but the convenience store since monday. and i don't plan to go out over the weekend. i haven't taken a shower so my hair looks funny but i don't care.as long as i don't see anyone i know. then i can get a junk food lunch on my way home. i swear this clozaril is making me crave junk food. not good. bad for me and expensive. i really want some cheesy poofs. i can't remeber the last time i had those. years and years. and i had a dream the other night about cotton candy. something is wrong.
okay i have to leave to meet pam. not looking forward to seeing anyone.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:52 PM ::
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regurgitation
ain't that a catchy title?
i have a stupid pdoc appt. tomorrow morning. i don't want to go. after that i'm meeting one of sean's co-workers for coffee. i'm hoping that i'll get a little information out of her. i can hope.
i don't know what to tell the pdoc. i really don't feel any different. except now i can't cry. i think it would help if i could. the memories i've been having lately...though my dreams are far less disturbing. i think i've said that before. (thus the title)
i found out that one of the owners has been feeding the stray cat. she wants so much to come in the house. it's breaking my heart. but i just don't know anything about her. whether or not she's healthy. she's so beautiful, with her glowing golden eyes, long black fur and extra toes. i don't want another cat. four is my limit but i still want to let her in. so she can nap on something soft. and be in out of the rain. i don't know what to do...
i just went online to the local paper and searched to see if anyone had lost a cat like the stray here. nope.
i thought of asking the other owners to contribute something to get her to the vet. i'd give something. i don't know. yeah, i'm a sap, i'd let her in. but she has to be healthy. i don't want to subject my kitties to anything.
there are a lot of kids and dogs in this neighborhood. i haven't gotten it through my head that i'm never going to have kids. i keep thinking, someday. but someday is never going to come. lots of wonderful thoughts going through my head.
geez talksalot just came to the door. apparently "we're" suing the woman who's selling her condo. it's all such a soap opera. talksalot doesn't have a lot of tact. doesn't bend easily. everything is a big deal. apparently we're suing the woman for harrassment. the whole thing seems so ridiculous. they're both taking things personally, instead of being a professional about it. this is a business, after all. but not between these two. it's crazy. it's some pathetic war.two little kids. talksalot said she didn't care how much the lawyer costs. now i think that would be something that we would be voting on. it's our money.
i thought i was going to move into this nice quiet condo...
Posted by Lisa ::
3:17 PM ::
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Wednesday, May 17, 2006
sean
i'm a little upset right now. yesterday i got a call that sean wasn't in and wouldn't be able to keep our appt. today i got a call that she's on leave and he was talking about the rest of this week and next week. i asked if sean was all right. he said, yes, she's fine. well, how fine can she be if she's taking an unscheduled leave? i'm worried about her. what if something awful happened to a member of her family. seems like the guy could have given up a little information. i'm really upset. all kinds of things are running through my mind. none of them good. she was fine on monday. she was having the world's longest hot flash, but she was okay. i hate not knowing what's wrong. it scares me.
i took my trash out by myself again today. talksalot was out there. that'll teach me to check before going out. added an extra ten minutes to the task. she's suing one of the owners for harrassment. i don't understand t he whole thing but i do think it's the kind of thing that should have been voted on. she seems to be making a lot of decisions for the association.
okay, back to sean. can't get it out of my mind. fuck.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:36 AM ::
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Sunday, May 14, 2006
mother's day
i just went to the convenience store and they were giving away roses to the first 100 moms. they asked me if i was a mom,no. if i was going to see my mom,no. i should have fucked with them and said, geez, i hope not. that would have gotten interesting looks. (my mother is no longer living.)
mother's day doesn't make me sad. it's just another day. i should call my sister though. it might be hard on her. i don't know. plus, she's a mom, so she deserves the wish of a good day. i hope the son who is living there takes her out to dinner. and i'm sure her other son will bring her a beautiful plant to kill. i should have gotten her a card. didin't know it was mother's day until yesterday.
i have laryngitis again. i've been out of my allergy meds for a week. i really have to get them tomorrow. then my voice will clear up.
i have made a discovery. i like diet Pepsi better than diet Coke. does that make me odd? they were out of the 12packs of diet coke at the store but had diet pepsi so i got some. i like the taste better. it doesn't have as much of an aftertaste. hmmm....
and how long did it take me to come to that grand conclusion?
one of favorite quotes is by Freud. "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." i don't what made me think of that.
Posted by Lisa ::
10:30 AM ::
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Friday, May 12, 2006
south park
i cut my throat this week.not badly. and all i could think of afterwards was southpark and kyle's little brother. what's his name? ike? with his whole head flopping back when he talked. if you could still smoke in the hospital and if i wasn't worried about the kitties, i'd be in the hospital. but i refused to go. and of course they wanted to know why. i'm just not going, i said.
they couldn't make me since i wasn't a harm to myself. my shirt covered the mark on my neck. the whole week has been up and down. "help me", "leave me alone."
i don't know that i've missed blogging. i've tried to keep up on a few people's blogs. i get more from that than from making entries myself.
right now it just seems like i'm writing stupid stuff. so i'll stop.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:44 PM ::
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Friday, May 05, 2006
taking a little break
i think. can't seem to get through even the shortest blogs.
i'll be back with a clearer mind.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:02 AM ::
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Wednesday, May 03, 2006
i'm waiting for a pizza
onions, peppers and extra cheese. no, onions, mushrooms and extra cheese. yeah, that's it. it should be here anytime.too lazy to cook spaghetti. though now i'm thinking that i should have. thinking about the money. the spaghetti i already had.
but i really do want pizza and it will last me for a couple of days. i didn't eat much yesterday. sean was on my case for that.
i left a message for her to call if she got the voicemail today. i tried to call marsha but she wasn't in.
the nurse left a months worth of klonopin yesterday. i didn't notice it until this morning. i thought it was empty. i would taken it last night, if i'd known. cripes, lydia and i could have gotten together and both fell asleep during dinner. if i got that far in the car. i wish they were here now. how stupid of me for not seeing them on the table. stupid. stupid!
they never would have known what happened to them.
they just called about my pizza. said they had forgotten about it. they better give me a credit of some kind. i thought it was taking a long time. oh well. now it should be nice and hot when they bring it.
i really would have taken those pills last night. it would have required too much of me not to take them. they would have known. with me being so out of it still this morning. it would take a moron not to figure it out. why can't i be trusted to take my pills on my own. that is exactly the reason.
c'mon pizza. i can't remember the last time i ate anything. oh, i had a few tortilla chips this afternoon. a very few.
good pizza. it was peppers and mushrooms. i was close. i knew i ordered something with mushrooms.
i'm going to take nap now. can't think of anything better to do.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:14 PM ::
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Monday, May 01, 2006
for some reason....
i'm thinking about being pregnant. and wondering if i did the right thing when i was. when i step back and think about it, i feel that i did. all that haldol when i didn't know that i was pregnant. i wish after all these years, i could stop questioning myself. but it was impossible to know. i hate that. fuck. there was no way to know. i feel that that's going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
i just ordered a cheeseburger. to drown my sorrows in ground beef. i haven't heard from sean which probably means she isn't going to call. i feel so screwed up right now.
i almost told regular nurse that she could leave my med (locked) box here today. but then i thought about it and knew i would have gotten into before tomorrow morning. it's very tempting today to go get some sleeping pills. and razor blades. i don't know why today is so hard.
i'm burning a honeysuckle candle. it smells really good. the melon candle was just about burnt out. plus i was using the top to it as an ashtray.
ah, well.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:03 PM ::
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okay, i was screwed up. not them
i called marsha about the geodon and she said it was discontinued last month. she said she'd give me a list of my meds when i see her tomorrow. i get so confused, there are so many changes. i don't know when my next pdoc appt. is. i can't keep track. good thing i have sean. they used to call the day before and remind you but since they put everything on the computer, they don't do that anymore. or maybe they do. they had phone number wrong. the old landline instead of the cell. i'm just babbling.
i love it when the roos are gone all day. no bass from next door. no slamming of doors. the cats like it too. they're usually pretty quiet in the evenings.
i'm ready to move. i've been keeping my eye out for other condos. i won't really move, but it's nice to think about it. except for the house, i've never stayed in a place much more than a year. i'm still getting used to this place. and the shitty shower. the fact that brown water comes out first. that's always lovely.
it made me feel better to talk with marsha for a few minutes, now i'm back to feeling like whit. make that, shit.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:22 PM ::
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home again,home again
just got back from the registry. my car is legal again.new registration. on the way home i stopped at the vampires. she had a student there who couldn't find my vein, so the bigwig did it. they're very sweet there. sweet for people who stab you, anyway.
another beautiful morning. at least i can say that i got out in it. even if it was just to do errands. i do have the front door open for some fresh air.
it looks like the nurse messed up my nighttime meds. i'm going to have to call there. looks like she forgot my geodon.i'll wait until marsha is in around two. i don't know what made me check them. but i'm glad that i did.
i just took my trash out. again, all by myself. and lived through it. i'm getting pretty good at this. it's easier if no one else is at home. i don't know why. otherwise i feel like i'm being watched, i guess that's why. i'm sure when talksalot is home, she knows everything that goes on.
finally took a shower. had to before going out. i woke up at six and decided to get it over with. i do feel better.it wouldn't be so bad if i didn't hate my shower. i HATE my shower.
has anyone heard from "crazylady?" she hasn't posted in a couple of weeks. though i haven't checked yet today. okay, just checked, nothing new. i'm a little concerned.
i got spam on my cell phone yesterday. that's never happened before. it opened my web browser. don't like that. i have cingular. has that ever happened to any of you?
feels good to have the fresh air coming in. and to be in short sleeves.
i'm already dreading going to the squid tomorrow morning. it really isn't that bad but i dread it every week. at least i get it over early in the day. hmmm....haven't cancelled in a while.....
she figured that i cancelled about once a month. no, i won't cancel. but it's nice to think about.
i hope sean calls today. she said she'd try. i'm afraid she'll forget. and i could use a check-in today.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:05 AM ::
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