Sunday, April 30, 2006
live from smallville
everytime i tried to write a post yesterday, it came out sounding stupid. i ended up erasing three or four.
it's another beautiful day. another beautiful day i won't go out in. i just keep picturing being back at the house on the back porch drinking coffee and watching the squirrels or the cats, or both. there was a guy a house away who didn't have a shade in his bathroom and didn't believe in a shower curtain. it was a show, if you wanted to see it. which i didn't. not over morning coffee, anyway.
i wouldn't mind going for ice cream today. maybe i'll call my sister. of course, that means taking a shower which i'm not thrilled about. living alone means it doesn't matter what the hell you look like. unless, god forbid, someone comes to the door. i'll just hope that doesn't happen. seeing how i'm also braless.
i don't know why taking a shower is such a big deal. you get in, you get wet and soapy, you get out. doesn't sound too hard. don't know what the big deal is.
my scars are itchy today. getting on my nerves. as if i'm not aware of them enough.
sean's supposed to call either today or tomorrow. just to check in. she has to go out of town tomorrow so we won't be meeting.
oliver is asleep on the sunporch. he's such a cutie. all stretched out.
i just made some COFFEE and the carafe wasn't set right. coffee all over the floor, the counter, a full basket of water. i hate when i do that. now i'm putting it through a clean cycle because of course, there were grounds all over the place. shit. poor me. i finally had to take the whole COFFEE maker over to the sink.
okay, hopefully this pot will work all right. damn, i hate it when i do that.
yay! this time it worked right. dummy me. good COFFEE. cold and strong.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:38 AM ::
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Saturday, April 29, 2006
so much for sleeping late
i woke up at six. my usual time. tried to go back to sleep but couldn't.
ahh, the COFFEE smells good.
ahh, the COFFEE tastes good.
but alas, that was the last of my creamer. i'll have to go out and get some. i don't wanna.
okay, went out to the very busy convenience store and got some creamer. now i don't want anymore COFFEE. i made it really strong and it's upset my stomach.
i'm going to go lie down.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:38 AM ::
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Friday, April 28, 2006
frickin' friday
that about sums it up. i'll see no one over the weekend. i'm set with my meds. sean is off. i have no breakfast plans.
unless i see lydia. she's got a little something for me that i've been looking for. the question is where to enjoy it. at the house, we'd sit in the hammock or on the back porch. here....i don't know. maybe the sun porch with the windows open or maybe the third floor with the window open. yes, it's pot. i confess. sorry apos. i know you can no longer enjoy that particular herb.
on another tack. sean asked me today if i would consider going into the hospital. i must have been shaking all over cause she asked me if i was cold. she's not going to be in on Monday. she has to go halfway across the state. she said she'd call me either sunday or monday. she asked me if i wanted her to call and get me some nursing visits over the weekend. if i wanted check in calls from her office. i said no to both. but i'm changing my mind about the nurses. i just tried to call sean, but she wasn't in.
i just called the secretary and she said that sean is off today. i'm confused. i just saw her. i had bad coffee with her. oh well, i guess i'll do without the nursing visits.
maybe i can sleep in. though i keep waking up at six every morning. at least maybe i can go back to sleep. i'd love to spend the whole weekend asleep. that won't happen but i would be glad if it did. i have this book that i want to read:Her Husband. about sylvia plath and ted hughes. maybe i'll see if my brain will co-operate and let me read.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:55 PM ::
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i've been tagged
hmm....six weird things about me.
1. when eating out, i always have to sit on the side to the right of the table.
2.i hate being late, even if i know that the other person is definitely going to be late.
3.i drink iced COFFEE all year round. even in the dead of winter.
4. i like the Dixie Chicks (blushes, hides under couch)
5. i hate mushrooms that look like penises. i always have them leave them out when i order chinese food. (there's really only one offending restaurant around here that has them.)
6. some nights, when i'm not feeling well, i sleep with my shoes on.
i tag:
teressa
superwoman
tiny
crazylady
Jd
chatty
you have to come up with 6 weird things about yourself. have fun!
Posted by Lisa ::
12:16 PM ::
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Thursday, April 27, 2006
COFFEE fixed it
fixed my little dip into the world of alcohol. plus a nap didn't do any harm either. sean should be here any time now. i called to cancel and when she called back i "uncancelled."
i don't remember what i wrote in the previous post.
i think tomorrow is going to be the day when i ask for sean's help cleaning the apartment a bit. i hate to ask for her help. makes me feel like such a failure. i can do this myself but i just can't get the motivation. all it needs is a vacuum and a bit of dusting. this is the most dusty apt. that i've ever had. i don't know what makes it that way. i also need to get rid of a bunch of recycling. we don't have bins for that here. only the dumpster.
it's been down in the thirties at night here. i just put my thermostat to 50 and go upstairs and open a window up there. it makes it nice and comfortable to sleep. yesterday, i went up there and somehow the cats had gotten the comforter off the bed and were laying on it on the floor. i told them that that wasn't going to work well for me. so they gave up their spots and ended up on the bed. it was just ollie and ella and they kept me nice and warm. i couldn't move, but i was warm.
i just had to look to see what day it is. thank goodness the computer tells me. i should have known. going to dinner with my sister. but i thought it was wednesday. i'm all screwed up. we're going to meet at the restaurant at five-thirty. well, i'm going to be there at five-thirty, don't know exactly when my sister is going to arrive. it's funny because it's just down the road from her house but she can't seem to arrive on time. doesn't bother me. i've taken to waiting in the car and i just watch the people come and go. they get quite a few take out orders so there are plenty of people to watch. this place touts half price pizza everyday. but they charge twice as much for a pizza than anyone else does so it's really not a deal. they actually have a 40 dollar pizza on the menu. 40 bucks? for a pizza? (shudder.....)
Posted by Lisa ::
11:32 AM ::
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prime rib
i called my sister and we're going out to dinner tonightl prime rib, mashes real potatoes and salad bar. the whole thing for eight dollars a piece.
it;s another sunny day day. i really need to get my bike fixed up. i like riding my bike.even just a little exercise would be good.that's the only thing that's making me overweight. i eat right, but the medicine slow down my metabolism and i have to fight against that.
i love my kitties. what would i do without them. i don' think i'd be here without tham. they keep me here because i don't know what would happen to them without me.
sean should be here in about an hour and a half and i'm drunk.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:18 AM ::
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this morning
doesn't seem as bad as yesterday.
the pdoc increased my clozaril. the nurse brought the extra this morning. the pdoc think i may be having a hard time because she took away some seroquel and the clozaril hasn't kicked in to cover it yet. i felt like such an idiot in there. i get all confused. it's a good thing that sean goes with me. she remembered things better than i did.
i hear three different voices. one of them sounds like a cartoon character. it makes me laugh. but that one doesn't come often. the other two are just filled with derogatory statements. they tell me not to talk about what's going on. that i have to keep my mouth shut. especially about them.
this really sucks. okay , enough of my whining.
sean's coming at noon today. i think we'll just go get coffee. right now, i'm drinking a corona. i know, that's ridiculous at this hour. i just want to stop thinking. i want to be numb. i wish someone was here right now. not only would i not be drinking, but it might lift this ...i don't know what. i feel so removed from people. ah shit, i thought i was going to stop whining.
oh, someone barfed. i haven't gone changing their food around,..
one thing that i forgot to tell the pdoc yesterday was that my shoulders are very stiff. that's a side effect from the clozaril, i know. it's very uncomfortable to the point where it hurts. i'm supposed to call her next wednesday, i'll tell her then. i'll write it down before hand. i'll write down a lot of things before i talk to her. and it's easier to talk to her over the phone.
oh fuck, i'm just babbling.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:51 AM ::
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Wednesday, April 26, 2006
pdoc appointment
sean just called and she got me a pdoc appt. for this afternoon. she had barely dropped me off from having coffee and going to the grocers when she called. she's going to come get me.
at the grocer's i got some POPPERS!!! i think that will be tonight's dinner. i haven't had any in a while. i'll be more careful cooking them this time so that all the cheese doesn't end up on the foil. they exploded last time. i almost forgot to get any. sean asked me if i wanted ice cream and for some reason that made me think of them. go figure.
i don't know what i'm going to tell the pdoc. i was doing better for a while. then the bottom just fell out. i feel hopeless and i hate myself. worthless. i wish i could just pack my bags and leave myself behind. i used to think that if i just moved far away things would be better. i don't think that anymore. i know better now. no matter where i go i'm going to be the same.
people thought i was going to be less depressed after i got out of the house, selling it. but i got here and i think i've been more depressed overall. i really miss the old neighborhood. i don't know this neighborhood at all. what i should do is take my bike downtown and get some new tubes put on and start riding around the neighborhood. but i feel so vulnerable outside. i feel like i'm being watched. i know that i'm not but that thought keeps coming to mind. when i was living with H., i became obsessed with the idea that he had hidden a camera in the house. why would he do that? i have no idea. finally i asked him and he said, no. and i mostly believed him. i stopped being obsessed with the thought and went to only thinking about it sometimes. i was so sick then. i've certainly gotten better. and i'm grateful. but it's still hard. back then, i was having blackouts. large periods of time that i just couldn't remember. looking back, i don't know how i made it through. so i guess the current medication is helping. just not as much as i'd like it to.
one day at a time is all i can do. or part of one day, sometimes.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:11 AM ::
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Tuesday, April 25, 2006
fuckity fuck fuck fuck FUCK
fuck.
went to coffee with sean. the coffee was weak, always a disappointment. we went here in town where there is only one place other than Dunkin' Donuts to get coffee. tomorrow we'll meet in hamp and go to the good coffee place.
sean's going to call the med clinic and see if she can get me a sooner appt. the voices were almost gone now they've flared up again. and there's no reason for it. this is all very frustrating. i'm still depressed, still want to cut. still feel like i should keep the copy of my will in an obvious place. all i could think about yesterday was dying. i thought seeing sean today would lighten my mood but it didn't. and i cancelled seeing marsha. when i got up this morning i wanted to cancel everything. the squid, sean and marsha. and just crawl back into bed. okay, i'm whiny. we know that now. i'm not even depressed about anything in particular. but we all know how that works. you just get depressed. no apparent reason. i think if i got off my ass and did some things around here it would help. but again, we all know that is much easier said than done. the depression sucks everything out of you. anybody ever read The Never-Ending Story? with the nothingness taking over? that's what it's like.
i just talked to marsha. she's so sweet. she said she was going to call the pdoc.she's also going to have Emergency Services give me a call. not that i can really talk to anyone there. not sure why i agreed. desperation i guess. i want to go to CVS and get blades and just start cutting. fuck. i know it would make me feel better.
i hate the view out my front windows. ducklady and her driveway. maybe i should get some mini-blinds for these windows and move what i have upstairs. but i like that the light comes through these and keeps me hidden. i can watch without anyone having a clue. it's just that what i'm watching is depressing. not like Rear Window. nothing good like a murder.
mini blinds get dusty, what i have now doesn't.and they go so well with the furniture. blah, blah, blah......
i just took out the trash all by myself. god, it seemed like a long walk. but i did it.
i don't know what i was thinking agreeing to Emergency Services calling me. i'm an idiot. they get involved and before you know it you're in the hospital. if i tell them what i'm really thinking that's where i'll end up. i have to be careful what i say to them. fuck me. why did i agree to that?
duck lady, across the street, backs into her driveway every day. and every day she's bad at it. takes her three or four tries. she never gets any better at it. how is that possible? when i back into my driveway, it takes one shot. that's it. must be a duck thing.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:22 PM ::
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know what i hate?
i hate it when you're having your blood drawn and they lose the vein and start moving the needle around in there to find it again. can you tell where i just came from? stopped on the way back from the squids. should have had it done yesterday but i didn't go out all yesterday.
the squids wasn't bad today. we talked about the house and the fact that the condo doesn't feel like home still. sorry about the dangling participle. man, my arm still hurts. mean phlebotemist. i'd really like to be one.nothing can control my tremor enough. people would see me coming at them with this shaking needle and refuse to have their blood drawn. i can picture them turning white and wiggling around in the chair. not good. well, maybe fun to watch.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:10 AM ::
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Monday, April 24, 2006
what am i doing up?
i don't know. went to bed early. took forever to fall asleep. i wish someone was here. just for company. even if they were asleep upstairs, just knowing someone was here. there were times when it was nice just knowing H. was upstairs even though i was usually kicked out of bed because he was snoring or grinding his teeth or because he'd roll over and kick me in the ass, repeatedly. i don't miss him, just somebody. someone whom i care about.
boy, i just had a cookie. they make those smaller than they used to. i guess i haven't gotten them in a long time. a couple of years.
the birds are starting to sing. it's not light out yet.
i wish no nurse was coming today. that i could just spend the whole day in bed. it's not supposed to be a very nice day.
damn, now it's starting to get light out. i want the dark.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:31 AM ::
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Sunday, April 23, 2006
i don't know. went to bed early. took forever to fall asleep. i wish someone was here. just for company. even if they were asleep upstairs, just knowing someone was here. there were times when it was nice just knowing H. was upstairs even though i was usually kicked out of bed because he was snoring or grinding his teeth or because he'd roll over and kick me in the ass, repeatedly. i don't miss him, just somebody. someone whom i care about.
boy, i just had a cookie. they make those smaller than they used to. i guess i haven't gotten them in a long time. a couple of years.
the birds are starting to sing. it's not light out yet.
i wish no nurse was coming today. that i could just spend the whole day in bed. it's not supposed to be a very nice day.
damn, now it's starting to get light out. i want the dark.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:49 PM ::
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sunday
just back from wallyworld. got some pepperidge farm nantucket cookies. yum. two dollars a bag, how could i resist?
it was hotter than hell in there. it's chilly outside so i imagine the heat was on, but on a little too much. felt good to get out of there into the cool air. again bought a closet rod and no hangers. d'oh!
~some time passes~
went to the local grocer's and picked up a cooked chicken and some cottage cheese. everything is so expensive.
i'm glad to be home after being gone for so much of the day. and the Roos are being quiet. that's definitely a plus.
i saw the house today when i went to pick up Liz. it's a mess. all kinds of things in the yard. no paint job. it's taking a long time to get things in order. it's been over a year. i think there was more wrong with it then they thought. good. the bitch deserves that. after she was so, well, bitchy.
i'm hoping that sean will be in tomorrow. after a weekend of visiting her daughter who's four hours away, i'm afraid she's going to be overtired and not feel well. i hope that's not the case. i really want to see her. weekends are hard. i keep thinking that i have to get up for the nurse so i don't sleep in. i slept until seven this morning.
even though i was with people today, i'm lonely. i wish someone was here now.
today is my nephew's birthday. i think he's 27. i sent his gift home with my sister. she said she'd wrap. am i lazy or what? don't even want to wrap a package. i used to enjoy doing that. making it all fancy. just don't care about that anymore. i just don't want to do much of anything.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:52 PM ::
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Saturday, April 22, 2006
for some reason
i got interrupted in chat and i have no idea what the title refers to now. well that kind of sucks.
okay just went for the pizza delivery. pepperoni and onions. it's really not more than a whopper, i'll have three days worth of food. so it evens out. i don't even remember when i started eating meat again. it was before H. left so it's been a while. then after he moved out, i went back to not eating and since i've been here i've been eating it again. it started with the prime rib with my sister, i think. for the longest time i couldn't stomach meat. i guess i got over that. but is there really any meat in pepperoni? a wonderful thought.
i have to go through my bills and make out checks today. lovely. it'll help with some of this mess in here.
i wish i wasn't afraid to go to the dumpster alone. it's so silly. but i feel so vulnerable. it's crazy.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:45 PM ::
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tangled up
that's what my brain feels like, all tangled up. i tried to do a post earlier and it wasn't making any sense. of course, when has that stopped me? :) i ended up going back to bed.
you know what really pisses me off? when someone knows that you're battling depression and they say, life is what you make it. makes me want to slap them upside the head. as though depression is a choice.
i still don't plan to leave the house today. although i'm craving a whopper. happens every once in a while.i know they're calorie laden, fat laden pieces of trash but i still want one. i wouldn't have to get out of the car for that. that sounds good.
it's raining lightly, just the kind of rain that we need. the downpours are supposed to come tonight and tomorrow.
ducklady just tripped going up her driveway. no connectiion with the pavement, just a trip to make her walk that much more interesting. i wonder if ducks ever trip.......they'd fall on their little beaks.
i'm not looking forward to either of the things that i have committed myself to tomorrow. i just want to hide in the house
especially on a rainy day. the rain is the perfect excuse for not getting out. so much for that. the only real problem is that i took all my meds last night so i have nothing to take before going out tomorrow. stupid me. my sister has ativan if i'm really desperate. stupid, stupid me. i don't think ahead. everything is in the moment. i dont't think of the consequences. i can be very impulsive. i'm better than i used to be. i never thought of the consequences. i just did whatever i wanted to do in the moment. i think the clozaril is helping with that.
i've had this jean shirt for over three years. it finally got a rip in the arm, no doubt thanks to the washing machine. i wore it all the time over short sleeved shirts to hide the scars. i ordered another one. it came, i let it sit there, knowing that it would not be as comfortable as the worn out one. well this morning, i decided to open the package and try it on. it's pretty comfy. go figure. next on my list is my sneakers. they're coming apart and i even have a new pair but i hate to part with these. they're so comfortble. they're older than the shirt is. well, don't i sound like i dress as a little waif. ripped clothes, shoes held together by i don't now what.i have plenty of shoes, but my sneakers are my favorite. i wear them all the time. and it shows.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:45 AM ::
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Friday, April 21, 2006
enjoying a Corona
it's been a long week. sean and i ended up going for coffee which wasn't very good. it was iced coffee and not strong enough. she's going to New York this weekend to visit her daughter at school. she's going to get stuck driving in the rain. we don't have a time for monday. i forget what she said she had to do in the morning but she said that she'd probably call in the afternoon. seems like it's going to be a long weekend.
i was going to go to the little grocer's to pick up a few things but that seemed too hard so i hit the liquor store for some beer and tortilla chips. healthy dinner, huh? seemed to fit my mood. i don't know why i'm so depressed. even being with sean didn't cheer me up. i wanted to tell her that things were never going to get better. i wanted some kind of reassurance. but i said nothing.
my brain feels all sticky. thoughts getting stuck, not being able to remember things. had to keep asking sean to repeat things cause they weren't getting through to my brain.
i wish i could get lost in a project. but i seem to have the attention span of a gnat. there's certainly enough to clean around here. and i know that i would feel better if the house was clean.
i just called my sister to see if she wanted to go to wallyworld over the weekend. we're going on sunday. need cat litter!
i wish today wasn't friday. well, i do and i don't. i wish i could see sean tomorrow but i'm also looking forward to sleeping in. part of me just wants to take all the pills that they left for me this weekend all at once. really be out of it. it would be a safe night to do it with no one coming in the morning. i don't know, i'll have to think about it.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:46 PM ::
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little did i know....
sean is three hours late. she called at twelve thirty saying she was running late because she was on the phone with tech support ( i assume for her palm pilot as she's been having trouble with it.) that's the last i've heard from her. a little ridiculous. i don't know if she forgot about me or what. i'm not sure how long i'm willing to wait to find out.
i've been keeping busy reading blogs. mostly from Babs' blogroll. and i've found some pretty good ones that i've enjoyed quite a bit. now if only i could remember which ones.....
it's another sunny, beautiful day. i wish i could sit out in the sun and read. i haven't tried reading a book lately. maybe i can do it now. being outside is another issue. don't feel comfortable here. back at the house i had a wonderful backyard.
sean just called saying she's on her way. it's almost three-thirty. i was going to tell her to just forget it but our connection was bad so that i couldn't hear her too well. and assumed that she couldn't hear me too well either.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:10 PM ::
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no nap
my diuretic is kicking in so i'm peeing every five minutes. not conducive to a nap. ah well....
so i'm going to breakfast with Liz on Sunday. we're going to our usual spot, Sylvester's. it used to be the residence of sylvester graham. the inventor of the graham cracker. he's buried in the cemetery across the street from where i used to live. i miss living across from the cemetery. dead neighbors are quiet neighbors. and if they're buried, it's even better.
all the cats have gone to bed. chuckie's bed is downstairs. it's otherwise known as the chair. but she's taken it over. she and boo both. taking turns. when boo gets up and finds that chuckie is already there, she sits patiently on the arm of the chair. when chuckie gets up and finds boo there, she stands up on her back feet and starts to pummel boo about the head. but boo doesn't get down, she just smacks chuckie back. it's kind of funny actually. not for them, i suppose.
i wonder how late sean will be today. it's always a guessing game about when she will arrive. she's due here at noon. any bets? one? one-thirty? that gets on my nerves sometimes.
a balloon would stick to my head today. i'm a mass of static cling. i wonder if i rubbed Bounce on my hair if that would help. maybe put some sheets of it on the floor and roll around on them.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:33 AM ::
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dinner et al...
went for prime rib last night with my sister. i asked her how she was doing, she said, better. are you ready for the big one? bumblefuck wants to go to vegas so they can get married. my sister lost her job and only has health insurance until the first of the month. so he figures they should go next weekend. that way she'll be covered on his insurance. he never actually said, to get married. he said they wouldn't be going to gamble and made other hints as to the reason they'd be going but never actually said the words. she looked at him and said, you can't even say it. he ended up telling her that she could think about it. this guy is a nutcase. i had nothing to say to her when she told me that. what could i say? do i think that she's considering it? i don't know. didn't sound like it but with all of her medical expenses, part of her must be thinking about it. she has irreversible damage to her back which keeps her always in pain, despite pain pills. she takes a lot of psych meds. and the cost of appts.....it all must be scaring her. she's going to apply for medicaid. she called to request an application and got all of this information in the mail- but no application. i left a message for sean early this morning asking her if she had any. she must. hopefully she'll remember to bring one with her today. we're supposed to be going to the grocery store but i think i'm only up for coffee. i have rice and pasta for over the weekend.
the nurse just left. she actually had all my pills for the weekend. so i won't have to see the nurses at all this weekend. means i don't have to get out of bed except to feed the cats all weekend. i like that idea. it's supposed to rain all weekend. not having to go out in it will be nice.
so much for staying in out of the rain. just listened to my messages from last night and my friend Liz and i are going to go to breakfast. it'll be good to see her so i guess i can get a little wet. plus, i'll pick her up so i'll get to see what they've done to the old house. i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. i guess i'll find out.
sean's not coming til twelve, well she said twelve but it will probably be more like one. i have plenty of time for a nap.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:04 AM ::
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Thursday, April 20, 2006
drugless dinner
went to dinner with Lydia last night. she hadn't taken anything. her source dried up thank goodness. she's able to get her driver's license back but she's not doing it. she says that every time she's gotten in trouble was by taking drugs and driving so she's taking one thing out of the equation. probably a good idea. she takes the bus a lot. and taxis. i forget how long she's gone without a license but she earned the right to get it back just recently.
i'm going to dinner with my sister tonight. i hope she's doing okay and doesn't cancel. i talked to her briefly yesterday. she sounded better. they had to get a fridge because their's died. they ended up getting one from a friend for 200 bucks. but it's really short and with her back problems it's hard for her to get to the refrigerator. i offered her mine. but i guess i would have missed my freezer with all the ice i go through. but other than that i don't really need such a big one. i could use a cube one. but it doesn't matter now.
it was warm enough last night to leave the bedroom window open and not even have the comforter on.
look out now that i've got my camera out. you'll see more cat pictures than you care to.
my friend is moving and she's smart. she's hiring people to do the moving for her. i always feel guilty when people help me move. this last time was the worst because i had more stuff than the previous moves. and heavy, bulky stuff. thank goodness i didn't have my living room set yet. the delivery guys went through hell trying to get the couch in. they got it stuck in the front door. they finally got it loose and said, one more try, this time through the back door. they got it in that way. i should have tipped them but i had no cash on me. they were here for about half an hour trying to get that couch in.
i'm kind of sitting around waiting for sean to call. i don't know if she'll be in today, if she'll be feeling better.
i just had my last piece of chocolate from christmas. it held up well in the trunk of my car. maybe i should put all of my food in there.
i'm so tired. that clozaril really kicks my ass. i've been up four hours and i feel like i haven't slept in days.
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7:28 AM ::
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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
hmmmm......
my sister called. she sounded much better but didn't refer to the other day. she said that she had just gotten her messages.
we're going to dinner tomorrow night. prime rib...yum. mashed potatoes....yum. the broccoli they put as more of a garnish....not so yum. always cold.
oh, the mail carrier is in shorts today. must be spring.
it's amazing how the leaves on the trees seem to be coming overnight. still lots of bare trees. don't know which ones are blooming. the oaks, i think. although the maples at the end of the street are blooming too. i miss my little japanese maple, Amos. they better not have done anything to him. back to the woman i hate who bought the house. i haven't picked up my friend Liz so i haven't seen the house. i haven't even spoken with her to get any gossip about the house. i just called and left a message for her. she's a librarian at the university library. sometimes i feel dumb around her. not anything she does, just that she's on top of all the news and i am so not. news of the weird, maybe. but not the important stuff. invited her to breakfast over the weekend. but usually i have to get her earlier in the week, she's always got plans. maybe we can catch a movie or something.
she went to Ireland the first spring that she lived across from us. she would have been a great one to go with after i had sold the house, when i had the money. if i had been doing better....but i wasn't. i could have paid her way too. all she would have needed would have been vacation time. she was a great neighbor. i wish i could have a neighbor like that here. but no such luck. here, there is talksalot and ducklady.ah, well....
i have to say that the clozaril makes me think less about suicide. so i guess it's doing it's thing. though i have to admit, that's why i tried to order the ativan. so that i'd have something to fall back on in case it got really rough. i'm afraid to go get easter candy because i'm afraid i'll get razor blades while i'm there. maybe it's all gone by now anyway. i still have chocolate in the trunk of my car from christmas. wonder what it's like now. it's just fine. just had a piece. yummy! too rich for more than one piece at a time. regular nurse doesn't eat chocolate because of the caffeine. she's weird. i'd like to recline in bed and have a whole box of bon-bons at my disposal. and a really cute guy to bring me whatever else i wanted.perhaps Elliot. cripes, i can't even remember his last name at the moment. Sadler, that's it. just one day.yep, that would do it. i miss having a cute guy around. just one of those things about not wanting to be in a relationship. ho-hum
i feel like i've talked about all sorts of thing. i have to pick lydia up in about half an hour. i guess i'll go mumble to myself.
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2:48 PM ::
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no sean
sean called about an hour ago. she wasn't feeling well and was going home to bed. she didn't sound very good and she was very pale yesterday. she said she'd calll me in the morning. i'm not glad she's not feeling well but i'm kind of relieved that we're not doing anything today. i think dinner with lydia will be more than my share of human contact today.
it's another beautiful day though still rather windy. we're still under fire warning. it's supposed to rain over the weekend.
i've been waiting for my ativan to show up in the mail. i got an email today saying that they were no longer allowed to accept credit cards. and to visit their sister site. well that's in Europe and the prices are higher. i guess i won't get any. but i need something different from the klonopin. it just isn't working. i have a pdoc appt. the first week of may and i wish that i could ask for it then. maybe if i can get up the nerve to tell sean that it works she could bring it up. the ativan really works. i had been taking my mother's when i needed it. and then my sister's a couple times. it really calms me down.
my sister hasn't called me back yet, which is not a good sign. i'm hoping that she'll call me after bumblefuck leaves for work this afternoon. if only i hadn't voted no dogs. she could stay here rent free and her son could sleep on the couch. i'd give my sister the bed and i could sleep on the third floor on the futon. fuck! i hate it when there's nothing that i can do to help. i'm so mad at bumblefuck, i could spit in his face. i really could. the bastard. H. was passive-agressive which made me angry. angry is better than hurt. she sounded so awful on the phone the other day. i hope she calls me back today. i get nervous when she's not in touch. i worry more than i do when she calls crying. fuck!
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11:55 AM ::
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my little boy
here's a photo of my little guy, Oliver. he's on the sunporch. just up from taking a snooze.
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9:09 AM ::
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Tuesday, April 18, 2006
my arch nemisis
i was shaking per usual so the pic is a tad blurry but you get the gist.
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5:27 PM ::
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today
i saw the squid, sean and marsha today. and i still feel like shit. i tried to call my sister but she isn't answering. she takes so many pills for anxiety attacks,depression and for the damage to her back, i'm afraid one day she's going to have a weak moment and take too many. maybe i'm just projecting.
man, i need a bigger bra. there's just no getting around it. i have to keep hauling them back in place. fine when i'm alone but not so great when you're in public and you feel you need an adjustment.
so i talked to the squid about my sister's problem. i had forgotten my phone at home. when i came home after the squid and getting my blood drawn, there were two messages from sean. the second one, saying that she was coming here because she couldn't reach me. i tried calling her at the office, then tried the receptionist six times. no answer. sean called an hour later and said that she finally figured out where i was. i went into town and we had good coffee at the usual place.
she couldn't make a time for tomorrow because her brain kept crashing. (her brain is what she calls her palm pilot)
the people across the street are raking their lawn. Hah! you non-condo owners. the wind has been howling all day. trying to entertain your kids and get the yard work done at the same time. Hah!
has anyone else heard of what global warming is doing to the polar bears? it's awful. i just thought of it because i pet ella and than rubbed my nose and imagined my whole face covered with cat hair.
i just talked to lydia. we're going to dinner tomorrow night and she is NOT going to be taking pain pills first.
i know, i'm all over the place today. i can't blame it on COFFEE. only had one large cup.
life is so depressing. what's the point in going on? my only fault is my sister. if i didn't think it would destroy her, i'd be out of here in a minute.
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4:16 PM ::
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Monday, April 17, 2006
me again
chuckie's playing with a twist tie.
i can't stop thinking about my sister. she's in such a horrible position. this place is big enough for both her and my nephew if it weren't for the dogs. even we did allow dogs here. they'd have no space to turn around. two dogs and five cats. and three people. i'm feeling so guilty that there's nothing i can do for her.
i can't believe the things he says to her. he's really good at saying things that hurt. that damned bastard. fucktard. i can't find a word that adequately describes him. i've never known what she sees in him. he can be nice when he wants to be. but that's not very often. she could do so much better. she's got a good sense of humor, she's pretty, she's very caring and strong.
i wish i could beat the shit out of him. for that, i'd go to jail gladly. bet they don't have lawn balls in jail.
sean is supposed to call at some point today. even though she's not working. hope she doesn't forget. i could use her calming influence today.
i'm so fucking pissed. some day he's going to get his but good. i don't wish bad things on very many people. in fact, he's one of only two, and the other i'm kind of on the fence about. i really want to hit him. i'll bet if my plumber nephew knew the whole story, he'd deck him. he's a big, strong guy.
i'm just so pissed.
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11:30 AM ::
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sleep, glorious sleep
now that the clozaril makes me forget my dreams, i wish i could sleep all the time. i had a nice nap after the nurse left. i love my pillow. i love my bed full of cats. only three of the cats sleep with me. chuckie prefers to sleep by herself.
my sister is supposed to call at noon. we're either going to go to lunch or to wallyworld.
she said she had her bags packed ready to leave bumblefuck the other day. i asked what stopped her. her son is still living there. and her dog needs surgery and she wants him to recover in a familiar place. he has a tumor under his eyelid that has to be removed. it's going to cost her450 dollars. she got purebreds and they seem to have more problems than mixed breeds. he's got arthritis in his hips so he doesn't do stairs well. i didn't ask her where she was planning to go after she'd packed her bags. she knows that they don't allow dogs here. and she's not leaving those dogs behind. bumblefuck doesn't know how to take care of them. not to mention, that it would break her heart. i hate seeing her in the position that she's in. she can't work. she has almost no income. i wish i could help her. i'm worried about her.
if i had gotten the other condo i looked at in town here, she'd be able to move in. but i didn't like it much. it was the size of a house and i wanted something smaller. plus the real estate agent lied about water in the basement. she said the owner had left the basement window open and that's how the water got in. but the water was nowhere near the window. anyway...
my sister just called in tears. she's going to see her pdoc or her therapist, i don't know which. she says she can't stand it anymore. bumble fuck is such an asshole. the things he says. he's like a spoiled adolescent. the man is 50 years old and he still hasn't grown up.
i'm going to get some iced for my coffee.
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10:02 AM ::
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Sunday, April 16, 2006
easter dinner
it's in the oven now. POPPERS! and i also got some quesadillas. and some hot salsa to go with rice. they didn't have a twelve pack of diet soda so i guess it's back to water and iced COFFEE. should have gotten some ice. but the 7-11 ice sucks. it's just one big bag on an ice cube. even my hammer doesn't separate it well.
no one to bring me chocolate. that's depressing. H. and i used to always give each other easter baskets. actually he brought me chocolate all the time. i was spoiled.
i heard that tiny finally got a taste of poppers, though they called them howlers.
okay, had my poppers. they were very hot, temperature wise. i burned the roof of my mouth and the tip of my tongue. they weren't spicy though. i like them spicy hot.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:40 PM ::
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my arch nemisis
i was shaking (per usual) so it's not a clear picture. but this is what i have to see everyday. it won't go away. though i think i spotted some duct tape on the base. hmmmm........
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3:18 AM ::
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Saturday, April 15, 2006
chuckie the superhero
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5:17 PM ::
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ella snoozing
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more kitties
boo and ella
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4:10 PM ::
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Thursday, April 13, 2006
it's fucking back
yep, just looked out the window. and what did i see? the fucking lawnball. this can only lead to violence. i can imagine holding it over my head threatening to drop it while a cop points his gun at me. i need a list of demands, that's what i need. the first would be that they wouldn't put the damned thing on this side of their house. but i need real demands. you know, that involve a chopper and a plane and lots of money. help me, i freaking out.
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10:55 AM ::
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Wednesday, April 12, 2006
bleachhhhhh
sean came over and we did the trash and then went to coffee. i was feeling pretty good. then i don't know what happened. she dropped me off and i was still feeling okay. then, all of a sudden- BAM! nose dive. i called sean but she wasn't in. i left her a message but she's not good at checking her messages. i want to cut and i probably will. i know that i'm just going through rapid cycling but that doesn't make it any easier. i know that in a couple of hours i could feel good again.
okay, why do all the straps on my bras fall down?!! it's really getting on my nerves.
so glad that Babs got her blog back.
geez, i feel like shit. and no poppers to cheer me.damn. i didn't cook them well enough when i had them in the middle of the night. only a couple had the cheese really hot. oh hell, they were still good. maybe i just need to have poppers everyday. maybe i could get a prescription for them and the insurance would pay for them.
lydia called while i was peeing and left me a message. something about losing her job, but that she didn't like it anyway. my guess is she went to work on those pain pills. i tried calling her back but she didn't answer. she sounded sober in her message, at least.
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2:17 PM ::
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Tuesday, April 11, 2006
drat!
i was all set to see sean today. she called around three and said that she wasn't feeling very well and we made a time for tomorrow. at least i didn't wait around all morning for her to call. i made the best use of the time by taking a nap. i woke up with drool all over the front of my shirt. but it kind of helped to wash the strawberry juice from breakfast.
i saw marsha this afternoon and she offered to call in my scripts for my inhalers. i don't know why i have so much trouble doing that. i'm out of the rescue inhaler. it's just shooting out air. i should have taken care of it last week. if i have a real problem, my sister lives right up the road a ways for a trip to the hospital. but i'm sure that won't be neccessary. i've been breathing pretty well lately. i haven't woken up coughing in about a week. and things aren't blooming yet here, so no sex dust (pollen.)
i don't feel as clear headed the last couple of days as i had been. maybe lydia's pain med got to me through osmosis. i was going to say, maybe she'll be more careful next time. but she's a drug addict, she's not going to do anything differently. the squid had a point, that maybe she didn't get them from a friend, maybe she bought them. i'm sure anyone with her history of drug problems knows how to find them. just called her. wasn't home, or wasn't answering. i trust she's all right. i feel bad for her. she has such an addictive personality. she said she had been getting 100-200 lottery scratch tickets per week. but that she's cut down. i don't know where she gets the money. she does have a part time job, but she gets SSI and SSDI. so she really lives under the poverty level.
i just called my sister to see if she wanted to go to dinner on thursday. yes, i'm a little social butterfly this afternoon.
i have a pdoc appt. on thursday and i expect her to raise the dose of clozaril. which means more drooling and more of not feeling very well. i don't feel sick exactly, just not well. if that makes any sense. i have to be careful standing up or the room goes black. i know that will pass when i get used to the med.
i have the feeling that i unintentionally offended someone here. if i did, you know who you are and i apologize. it was nothing on purpose.
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3:42 PM ::
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dinner
well, dinner with Lydia was awful. when i spoke to her at three she was fine. when i picked her up, she was totally out of it. she said she had taken pain pills. not hers. if i had known that when i picked her up, i'd have told her to go to bed. we got to the restaurant and she kept falling asleep and not making sense. now ever since i've known lydia, she's had a drug problem. why anyone who calls themselves a friend of hers would give her drugs is just plain stupid.
i ate my no so good lasagna as fast as i could so that i could get her home. she had two slices of her pizza and made a real mess. of herself, the table and the pizza pan. it was embarassing. finally we got out of the restaurant and i dropped her off, telling her to go to bed. i'll call her later today and make sure she's all right.
time to leave for the squids...
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7:18 AM ::
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Monday, April 10, 2006
blah
feeling pretty blah today. slept all morning. sean is off today so after regular nurse left, i just went back to bed. got up, took a shower and went to get my blood drawn. braless. ha! i'm still perky enough to get away with it.
when i got home, talksalot called. she gives me chestpains. i won't even go into what her problem was today. but as usual, she repeated it over and over again. one of these days while talking with her i'm just going to collapse and the coroner is going to find that i died because my brain exploded.
i'm going out to dinner with my friend Lydia tonight. i haven't seen her in months. since before christmas. no prime rib special tonight. we were going to go to Nini's. the best italian place around. but they're closed on mondays. drat! there aren't many restaurants in town. in Hamp there are like a bzillion. but parking there is such a pain in the butt.
ahhhh. COFFEE! damn it tastes good. iced, of course.
the cats are enjoying the back porch. i had both the front and the back doors open but there was too much of a breeze coming in the front door. tomorrow and wednesday, it's supposed to get into the seventies. yay!
tomorrow sean should be back in the office. it'll be nice to see her. i don't like these long weekends. tomorrow i go see the squid. i cancelled last week so i have to go tomorrow. it just seems like such a waste of time. i forget how long i've been seeing her. i'm more comfortable with her but i still spend a lot of time talking about the fact that she should repot her plants.
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1:47 PM ::
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Sunday, April 09, 2006
lost
i'm going to take a shower as soon as oliver comes in. i expect his little head to be peeking in the window any time now. today was a lost day. i didn't even sleep through it. i don't know what i did. i got lost on BlogMad for a while. the cats have gotten a lot of attention.
have been thinking of H. a lot today. i don't know why. i guess because i'm lonely. life just seems to be passing me by. i avoid people. avoid going places. i haven't been out of the house all weekend. it was a beautiful day out and i only saw it through the windows. there was a time when i would have gone for a long walk or a bike ride. before i was so scared to go out. even in my old neighborhood, i was afraid. now i have to be with a "safe" person. my sister or sean. or H.
oliver just came in. i don't feel like taking a shower. i hate my shower. well i hate the claw foot tub. it's so narrow, you feel like you're going to fall out of it. but i look like hell, i would imagine anyway. the only mirror is on the second floor and i'm not going up there just to see how bad i look. no thank you.
i used to take a shower every morning and iron my clothes every day. i don't know what happened. i just stopped caring. i stopped caring quite some time ago. i can't take another day of this. i have to make myself care. this sucks. i thought the clozaril was helping, now i don't know. i miss the friends that i used to have. back when i didn't constantly cancel because i was too afraid or too depressed. once upon a time, i was afraid but i did things anyway. i ordered some Ativan on line. that used to help. it was my mother's prescription but i took it when i was having a day that i couldn't function. it even made me a little high. now, i'm just babbling. i'll leave that to better babblers.
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8:33 PM ::
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not much to say
i got up on time this morning thanks to ella. made myself as presentable as i could with no shower in four days. then sat on the couch and dozed. drooling into my cleavage. it kept waking me up. when the nurse knocked on the door it scared the crap out of me. she was only bringing one pill that they didn't have when the nurse came on friday.
it's a beautiful day out. i should at least be sitting on the steps. or the sun porch. but my behind is stuck to the couch. if i still lived in the old house, i'd be on the back porch in the sun. or on the hammock under the tree. gosh, i miss that house. i still have dreams about it all the time. had one last night. i was going to evict the people living on the other side of the house so that my sister could move in. not with bumblefuck. just she and her pets. so the dream actually made sense.
even though there's a fire warning, there's some idiot burning in his driveway.well he's not burning, he's burning brush.
i feel like i just did my good deed for the day. can't tell you what it was, it's a surprise for someone. don't you just love it when someone tells you half of a story? hehehehe
okay, i'm going to take a shower today. i went out for cigarettes looking like hell. i find that i just don't care anymore. the only time i really make an effort is when i'm going to be seeing my sister. she says it upsets her when my hair isn't combed and i have spots on my shirt. so i attempt to be well-kempt no matter if the smiles and laughter are fake. i just emailed my sister to see if she wanted to do lunch or dinner this week.
i just tried to post a pic to the great oval, but it didn't work. sorry. it was of a billboard in Dallas. it read:
Don't make me come down there.
-God
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Saturday, April 08, 2006
poppers be good
well i tried some of those frozen poppers and they were as good as the ones i order in. cheese hot enough to take the skin off your chin. yum
i've slept most of the day today. been thinking a lot about cutting so i figured i was safer asleep. wish i could sleep late in the morning but regular nurse is coming with some clozaril that they didn't have on friday. i was looking on webmd. getting some info about clozaril. it's used mainly for schizophrenics. which i am not. but helps with hallucinations and suidicidal tendencies. both of which i do have.
i want a banana. bananas make me sick. but i still want one.
i'm sitting here without a bra on. i feel so liberated. damn!
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7:50 PM ::
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ugh!
now there are two condo units for sale. talksalot arch nemesis is selling her condo too. there was one woman who looked at the condo next to talksalot. she has four kids. i don't want kids here. don't get me wrong, i like kids just not four of them in the backyard. and i can't imagine talksalot being too thrilled about having them next to her. talksalot made it a point to tell me that it was a black woman. so what? would she have made it a point to tell me that it was a white woman? i hate that.
anyway, the sales draw people to wander around the property. sans real estate agent. and sometimes they ask to come in and see your apt. it's like, that's what the real estate agent is for people. people can be so pushy and stupid. i can't imagine ever having the nerve to do that. i had enough of that when i was selling the house. i still hate the woman who bought it. i wish i could have sold it to someone whom i liked. one of those people who wanted to restore it. i don't know why i'm thinking about it so much lately. but i really loathe that woman. not playing fair and all that..
i got to sleep late this morning. i slept until seven-thirty. big deal! and i took some extra pills figuring they'd help me sleep longer. no dice. it's very comfortable having the head of my bed on those bricks. whenever i'm in the hospital i sleep with the head of the bed up. i didn't wake myself up coughing last night. or choking on my own saliva. pretty cool. i still drooled all over my pillow. oh well....that's why i have more than one set of pillow cases, right? i wonder if they have depends for your face.....
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Friday, April 07, 2006
friday or saturday?
i keep thinking that it's saturday. sean is off today and monday. gone to visit her daughter somewhere.
after the nurse left this morning i went back to bed and slept til quarter to one. i think the bricks under my bed are making me drool less. i still woke up with a wet pillow but not as bad as usual. and i didn't wake up choking on my own saliva which is definitely an improvement.
it's a gloomy rainy day. i like it.
i went to the local grocers and picked up a cooked little chicken and some corona. oh and cottage cheese. i love cottage cheese. i've had some of the chicken a couple of coronas.
when i went to dinner with my sister last night, i found out that the stripper dumped my nephew's ex-friend to go back to the boyfriend she had before meeting my nephew. ha! that's what you get for crossing your friend. i don't feel bad for him at all. but there must be something about her to attract all of these poor men then dump them.
i smell vanilla. there is no vanilla in here. it smells like the little cardboard things people hang on their rear view mirrors. it smells so much i can almost taste it. wtf? the Roos aren't home, so it's nothing coming from over there. i haven't changed shampoo or laundry detergent. this is starting to freak me out. i'll just chalk it up to being insane. there, that takes care of it.
my sister and i had a pretty good dinner last night. although they put gravy on our mashed potatoes even though we asked for the gravy on the side. it tasted okay or i would have sent it back. the pieces of prime rib had a lot of fat on them so there wasn't much to them. but what there was was pretty tasty. although it always tastes a bit salty to me. i never use salt. i don't know where my salt shaker is after over a year of living here.
i actually feel like vacuuming, but boo and chuckie are asleep here in the living room. i hate to disturb them.
i bought some frozen poppers at the grocery store. they had better be good. babs says they are so that was good enough for me to buy them.
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2:12 PM ::
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Wednesday, April 05, 2006
salsa in my cleavage
yep, that's the risk you take with tortilla chips.
cancelled my meeting with marsha today. just wasn't up for the drive. i did talk to her about the saturday nurse. she agreed that would be a good step and if it didn't work we could go back to having someone come on saturdays. she did ask if maybe i was making it so that i could just go without seeing anyone all weekend. she's no dummy. i told her i was working on that, whatever that was supposed to mean. that i was going to try to get out, i guess. but that's not likely.
i put the bricks under the feet of my bed this afternoon. hope they don't dislodge in the middle of the night. would be one hell of a rude awakening. don't ask me how, but my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth even though i'm drooling. makes me slur my words, makes it sound like i'm drunk. ever try to sound like you're not drunk? (even though you're not really drunk?) it's hard. damned hard. the more you're aware of your speech, the worse it gets. ah well...
you know what i hate? when you're awakened in the middle of the night by a cat hurling. should you get up right then and risk stepping on it or wait until the light of the morning to clean it up? i guess the clozaril doesn't knock me out the way it did for the first week if i'm awakening to that. haven't wet my pants since that first occasion. good thing. i would have stopped taking the med.
there was a video on cnn.com this morning about self-mutilators. people were showing their arms. most of them looked like they didn't require stiches. but this one girl talked of not being able to get out of bed because of the depression and how she'd cut every two hours. it didn't give me any more insight than i already have on it,but it made me feel less alone.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:07 PM ::
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good news
sean and i went to the fuel assistance office to day and they're going to pay over eight hundred of what i owe. that'll only leave me a few hundred dollars including the rest of the heating season. my big fear,as far as heating goes, has been that my furnace was going to give up because it's old. the woman at fuel assistance said that if anything went wrong with my heating unit they would pay to get it fixed. that was incredible news. the woman at the office asked if i was handkcappted or disabled. and i waited a minute then said no. sean jumped in and said, disabled. i still can't get used to that. i think of disabled as a physical limitiation not a mental one. without sean i would know none of this. but that's why i get the big bucks every month LOL.
it was snowing pretty hard this morning. it wasn't sticking to the road just the grass and the cars. now the sun is out and it's melted all the snow. weird change in the weather. it's New England, why the hell am i surprised?
okay, depression seeping in after the relief of the fuel bill.
i see marsha this afternoon. that should cheer me. i'm thinking of cutting out the nurses on saturdays. i know that she'll go along with it. and if it doesn't work (i.e. i take all my pills at once) i'll just go back to saturdays again. it wouldn't make me deathly ill to take them all but i imagine i won't feel so good.
boo seems to have lost her jump. she even crawls up onto the couch. she doesn't seem to be any pain though. she's about 15, i think. it's just a little hard on the furniture. but if i wanted perfect furniture i shouldn't have cats. i think i'll opt for the wear and tear on the furniture.
i just called my sister and we're going to dinner tomorrow night. the usual. $7.99 prime rib. best eight dollar dinner in town. well actually, the next town over. just over the town line to her town.
talksalot called me four times in about twenty minutes. i guess everyone else was at work and she needed to spew. all about the former owner of all the condos. some of the things didn't stick in my mind. we do need roof work which she thought he should have taken care of. mostly just saying the same things over and over again.
i'm having a particulary drooly day today. i catch it just in time, thank goodness. i was afraid i was going to drool on my shirt while we were at the fuel assistance office. oh well, there are worse things.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:07 AM ::
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Tuesday, April 04, 2006
stinky tuesday
i cancelled the appt. with the squid this morning. just didn't feel up to it. after i left her a message i went back to sleep. slept til amost eleven-thirty. sean was due here at twelve so that we could go grocery shopping. she was pretty much on time today. i asked her if we could just go to coffee. we went to the place here in town. it's the second time i've been able to get my coffee without her help. the clozaril seems to be helping with my tremor. and the last couple of days my thoughts have seemed clearer. not necessarily brighter but clearer. like i'm coming out of a fog. the voices are dimishing. i assume that's why my thoughts are clearer. don't have to use half my brain to fight them. the suicidal thoughts are still there but i don't have much faith that they're ever going to go away.
tomorrow, sean and i are going to the fuel assistance office.not looking forward to that. i hate doing those kinds of things. makes me feel so stupid. like going to the food pantry makes me feel stupid.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:11 PM ::
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Monday, April 03, 2006
i was having a nice nap....
when it came to be dinnertime for the cats and ella started acting up to get me to get up and feed her. i ignored her for as long as i could, then she started picking at the couch. that got me up. i fed them, peed and then sean called. she asked me what i wanted to do today. i resisted the urge to tell her that i wanted to go back to sleep and we decided on coffee in town.
oh, couple of people asked what i ordered for my nephew. he has all dvds on his list. i got him Tears of the Sun and Ocean's Eleven. both good movies. though i've never stayed awake for the whole of ocean's eleven. i've seen the first two-thirds of the movie several times but always fall asleep before the end.
in about half an hour i can go get my blood drawn. they close for lunch.
it looks like it's going to rain like hell any minute. probably once i step out the door.
i wish it was still the weekend and i didn't have to see anyone. and i could just sleep. i suppose i could call sean back and tell her that i didn't want to go anywhere but i'd still have to go out to get the blood draw. rats! might was well get some good coffee. or hopefully good coffee and watch the people who go by.
i left to go to the blood stealing place. turns out they reopen at one-thirty, not one. i wasn't going to stand there for twenty minutes when it's only five minutes away from home. and yes, it started to rain when i went out the door.we need the rain. we've had fire warnings for about a week.
aww shit.....i don't want to go for coffee. i just want to stay in my nice safe house. with my kitties. maybe get a few new snapshots of them. i know i can do that anytime and if i did stay home i probably wouldn't do it but when you don't want to go out it's easy to think of all the things you could do if you stayed home. phuck!
you know what i miss since h. and i went our separate ways? ironing. yep. there was something comforting, relaxing about ironing. and it was great in the winter when the house was freezing to feel that steam coming up. i don't iron my clothes. actually, i have an iron but no ironing board. i told h. to take it because he'd use it more and it would save him money having to buy another one. that was dumb of me. ah, well....
i've written a lot and haven't said a damned thing.
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And gave her mother forty whacks.
And when she saw what she had done,
She gave her father forty one.
i don't know why that's in my head.....
Posted by Lisa ::
11:11 AM ::
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Sunday, April 02, 2006
ice cream
just got back from a crowded wallyworld.i went with my sister and on the way home we got soft serve ice cream. my first of the season. and i managed not to get it all over myself. yay! i bought a closet rod but didn't get any hangers. hello??? i do have some but not enough. i thought my sister was going to freak when she saw the state of my apt. but she didn't say anything.
i'm drinking some Sam's Choice diet cola. it's not bad. i don't usually have soda in the house. so i have nothing to compare it to. i always have to have something by me to drink. probably keeps me from eating too much.
the property taxes came yesterday. whoopie. at least i have the money to pay them. i trust that i do, i didn't open the envelope yet. :P
i'm doing a load of laundry. i've been pretty good at keeping it up lately. i think of those days when woman had to go down to the river to wash clothes. they were some tough people.
my stomach is starting to feel funny. i had a bowl of questionable left over rice.
i should be meeting sean tomorrow. she'll ask me what i want to do. i think i just want to have coffee.
the nurse screwed up my meds this weekend. she didn't give me my three seroquel prns. seems like everytime i turn around, they're making a mistake. i should have called but i hated to make her come back out since she was sick. so it's been kind of a rocky weekend. though i did okay at walmart. didn't feel like i was going to pass out from anxiety. i've only done that a couple of times. and not lately. it's very embarrassing.
i've got to clean this place up. that's what i always say, and what gets done? i don't know, maybe i should let sean help me. though i really want to do it myself. but i'm not doing it. i want a clean house again. arrrgh. if i wasn't so damned stubborn it would be clean by now. i would have let someone help me.
i feel like i should go up to cemetery and clean around the graves. maybe sean could come with me. i don't even have my little tools anymore.or i don't know where they are. i'm sure she has some.
it's after seven and it's still light out. i'm lucky i had a time planned with my sister or i'd still be an hour behind. kind of forgot about the time change. i had just gotten out of the shower thinking that i had an hour before my sister came then opened the puter and saw the time change. it was time for her to be here. quickly got my head out of the towel and got ready. fortunately she was a little late. i sat out on the steps and waited for her. the wind dried my hair a bit.
i just ordered my nephew's birthday presents from amazon. he has a wish list on there. i always feel like i want to get him something other than off amazon but he can never tell me what else he wants. he and his girlfriend are redoing their kitchen. they spent 1200 dollars on a fridge. on of those stainless steel ones. it was marked down from 2000, so he figured it was a great deal. he has very expensive tastes. but he works his butt off so he deserves it. they spent 2000 dollars on tiles for the kitchen. he's kind of impossible to buy for because he's got such expensive tastes. has since he was a teenager. i like bargain stores, personally.
now i'm just rambling.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:15 PM ::
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Saturday, April 01, 2006
talksalot strikes again!
banging on my front door. with a little newsletter. i'm not sure why she wanted to talk to me. she just said what was in the newsletter. and repeated it and repeated it. she gave me a headache. one good thing. she's going to have someone else prime and paint my porch (front). after trying to keep up a big house, that's a blessing. although i kind of enjoy painting. i'll save that for re-doing my back porch. just have to clean it off first. i think it could look pretty cute. i'm going to get sean's opinion on colors. she's pretty creative.
to chatty RYC: misha and oliver didn't get along. and tried to outdo each other in spraying in the house. so he actually offered to bring her to me, but i had to refuse. that's the only reason that she isn't living with me.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:11 PM ::
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no pee
me no pee during the night. well, i did, but not in the bed. i really was afraid to go sleep.
icky, stern nurse was sick this morning, coming down with a bad cold or the flu, so she just handed me my pills and ran. then i was able to go out and get my cigarettes. yay! i'm already less bitchy.
last night my sister told me that she still hadn't decided whether or not to stay with the fucktard. and she said my nephew is just staying at home. i guess he's afraid if he goes to any of his usual places, the stripper and his former friend will be there. i feel so bad for him. damn that slut and the guy who was supposedly his friend.
the coffee is ready...excuse me a minute.
ahhh. now i'm not only less pissy but i feel like i'm waking up. but is that a good thing?
it was supposed to be cloudy and rainy today but the sun is out. it's quite nice and mild out. i have the back door open but all the cats have gone to bed. except ella, she went out. guess i'd better check on her. now she's in having some cream. she's so spoiled but i can't say no to her. she's a skinny cat so the cream isn't a big deal. they tricked me into feeding them twice yesterday. i couldn't remember and they were circling. of course, i remembered after i had given them seconds that they had already eaten quite well. they would have been fine with the dry food. they're taking advantage of my poor memory.
ahhh COFFEE! i buy the espresso roast and make it like regular coffee.
apos had a good idea about fishing. to just tie the bait onto the line. no hook. so i'll just be feeding them. i wonder if i need a license to feed the fish.
i have a feeling i'm going to be blogging a lot today. consider yourself warned. especially if i keep drinking this coffee.
i feel like going out in a boat today. i have no idea why. i could go down to the marina and rent a boat but i don't want to go alone. that would just be lonely.
i forgot the bricks for my bed yesterday. i wonder if they really will make a difference. it's worth a try for a dry pillow.
you can tell the coffee is kicking in. now, i'm just babbling. but, hey, if you don't like it....move along to the next blog, right? ahh, but my friends will bear with me. wontcha? wontcha?
Posted by Lisa ::
9:04 AM ::
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part of the family
Misha and Boo taking a snooze
oliver seems to be relaxed
this is my baby boo
i've got to play around with how to post pics where i want them. i thought i had good ones of ella and chuckie on this card but apparently they're on a different card. i'll find 'em.
these were all taken at the old house. and Misha doesn't live with us anymore.H. took her to live with him and has since left her to live with someone else. his fiancee is supposedly allergic to cats so he could bring her with him.
icky, stern nurse is late today. and i'm out of cigarettes and really want one. i mean, REALLY want one. god help the nurse if she makes any comments i don't like. i think i'll just tell her where she can place them.
ended up going to dinner with my sister last night and we had total junk food. Dragon Fries (which are french fries topped with chili and cheese) and garlic bread. suprisingly neither was very greasy. here comes icky, stern, i think.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:33 AM ::
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Misha and Boo taking a snooze
oliver seems to be relaxed
this is my baby boo