Friday, March 31, 2006
afraid to pee
i've been up since about four and i could use a nap. but i'm terribly afraid to go back to sleep. i'm afraid i'll pee again. this whole thing really has me freaked out. when you lose control of something that you take for granted that you have control over, it's rather unnerving. very unnerving. i'm totally petrified to go back to sleep. tonight it's underwear only and a towel under me.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:40 AM ::
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for cripes sake
i just woke up and guess what i was doing when i awoke..
emptying my bladder all over the couch. that has never happened to me before. after changing my clothes and getting a towel for the couch i looked up the side effects of clozaril and incontinence was not one of them. wtf is going on???? i didn't have any coffee yesterday and didn't drink more than my usual amount of water before i went to bed.
i've awakened before having to pee and dreaming about finding a bathroom, but i never actually peed while i was asleep. i don't remember dreaming about anything at all. now i'm afraid to go back to sleep.
i mean, i didn't pee a llittle. i peed a lot! this is really freaking me out. i think it is the clozaril in a way. i was so fast asleep that i couldn't wake up, until i was getting sopping wet. my poor couch! i'm really upset about this.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:36 AM ::
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Thursday, March 30, 2006
a little bit better
the receptionist from sean's office called today and said that sean wasn't in but that she would call me tomorrow. that was okay as i was thinking about cancelling anyway.
i'm in a little bit better of a place today than i was yesterday. i don't want to cut today. not so far, at least. i slept most of the morning. the increased clozaril didn't smack me upside the head like i thought it was going to, which is good. i thought i'd be in a coma this morning. but i wasn't. i slept on the couch. now there's a drool spot on my pillow. i have big fluffy pillows on my couch.
the longer i'm awake, the more depressed i get. i'm not even sure what anti-depressant i'm on now. oh, cymbalta.
i just ordered some poppers. if my stomach stops growling, maybe i can go back to sleep.
i'd like to ride my exercise bike today. i'd like to do a lot of things today. but i'm not going to get them done.
it's a beautiful day. i have the door to the porch open but all the cats are sleeping inside.
i haven't taken a shower in four days. you know that's not a good sign. i just want to feel better. i just want to be normal. sad when there's something to be sad about. happy when there's something to be happy about. i'm sick of all this. i've been dealing with it ever since i was a little kid and i'm fed up. i just want to be like..the "normal" people.not hide in my house all the time. i've got a nice bike (needs new tire tubes) that i could be riding around the neighborhood. but i'm too afraid to do that. i'm too afraid to take a walk in the sun. i could walk down to the pond but it's just too much. if i was smart, i'd get a fishing permit and a pole but i don't actually like to catch fish. i'd just let them go. it seems like a mean sport to me. i just like being out there with a pole in my hand. the poor fish struggle for their lives.
everything seems upside down and at the age of 39, i wonder if i'll ever find a mate. i'm not going to find one hiding inside my condo. and frankly, mean seem to disgust me from the waist down. i look at faces and i love to check out guys but the idea of having sex with them disgusts me. i don't know if it's the medications or what. ~slurp~ sorry had to catch some drool.
i'm really glad that i didn't have to go out today. sean and i were supposed to go to wallyworld. i need rods for my closets.
okay, i've written enough. i'll probably write some more later as i don't know what else to do to stay sane right now.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:00 PM ::
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Wednesday, March 29, 2006
right now
i don't know what to do to keep myself safe except to blog. can't blog and cut at the same time. i'm really depressed and it's annoying. wish i could sleep it away but i'm not the slightest bit sleepy. i don't even know what i want to say here.
maybe the voices are bad because i refused my geodon yesterday and they didn't have the increase in the clozaril. i don't know. i'm so sick of meds. and sick of the nurses coming to my house everyday. i could stop that but then they'd only give me a weeks worth of meds at a time. sometimes i think it's good to see someone in the morning in case i'm really a basket case, other times it's just annoying. like when regular nurse comes and tells me all about her life. she wouldn't notice if i was dead, she'd keep talking. somebody tell me that razor blades aren't the answer.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:46 PM ::
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life sucks
that's the thought of the day.voices galore today. i called marsha and told her that i wouldn't be going into town to meet her. that it wasn't one of my better days. she asked if there was anything she could do. i suggested taking me out back and shooting me but she didn't go for that. said it was not an option or something silly like that. i've always wondered why mercy killing is limited to physically sick individuals. we, with mental illnesses suffer as much, just in a different way. when you've been dealing with it for as long as you can remember, why shouldn't you have the option of an overdose of morphine? there's no cure, only bandaids. which haven't worked terribly well so far.
sean and i took out the trash and went to have coffee. on the way home, she asked if i was okay. i said, pretty much. she asked if i had something on my mind. i said, no. she said, you've been very quiet today. she asked if i was having trouble with voices. yeppers. asked me if i'd eaten anything today. nope. she said i have to eat. asked if i could order something in. i told her, maybe later.
i have this big pile of bills that i need to get to. just can't get myself to do it. i stand around listening to the voices and smoking cigarettes. last night i was ready to drive to hamp to get some razor blades. it was around midnight and all the stores here were closed. i went to bed instead. a good decision. it's on my mind a lot today. even when i was with sean i was thinking of going to cvs to get blades.
on a good note. i was able to get my own coffee today. the place we go to here in town just gives you the empty cups, then they have a row of carafes so you can help yourself. usually sean has to help me but today i did it myself. i think the clozaril has helped with the shaking. tonight i double the dose. i wonder if i'll be able to get up in the morning. i got up this morning then sat on the couch and snoozed until regular nurse knocked at the door. then took a nap until i had to get up for sean to arrive. she said that she had some books for me but she forgot them. i didn't even ask what they were. she said she even put a note on her door but still forgot them. sounds like me. tomorrow we're going to wallyworld to get all the stuff i forgot to put on my list last time. more pillows to help with the drooling which should be in full force tonight after the increase in the clozaril. it doesn't even phase me anymore. i wake up with my face on a cold wet pillowcase and i don't even move.
it's warm here. in the sixties. i have the back door to the porch open and ella is enjoying a sunbath. by friday, it's supposed to be in the lower seventies. maybe spring really is here. i still don't trust that there won't be one more big snow storm. it's New England after all. never know what to expect.
i'm drinking beer in the hopes of quieting the voices. i know, not the best choice. but sometimes it quiets them down.
regular nurse was talking about going on a cruise this morning. never asked how i was. she was filling my pill box and talking away. sometimes when she does that she screws up. but all my pills are right today.
everything is so overwhelming right now. simple things. life sucks.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:32 PM ::
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Tuesday, March 28, 2006
still no nap
rats! i came back from meeting sean and had the afternoon to take a nap. once i laid down, i couldn't sleep. i guess i should have tried one of my sitting up on the couch with a cat in my lap naps. but three of them were in bed with me. thought that would do the trick. nope. this has felt like a really long day. doesn't seem like today that i met with the squid. seems like days ago. what the hell is going to happen tomorrow night when they double the clozaril? it took me eight cups of coffee to wake up today. it should be interesting. how do i get cathair up my nose? no matter.
it's finally dark. i feel better after dark. i can't see what a mess my house is. how do i get cat hair up my nose. must have to do with giving ella endless kisses on the top of her head. i must be inhaling. i look like an eighty year old man with white hairs coming out of my nose. which makes me think of drawing with pastels and blowing rainbow snot. we art students had it hard. there was this one model in figure drawing who (naked) kept doing these ridiculous positions. the instructor and i got the giggles and he knew that we were laughing at him. it was awful but he looked like such an idiot. everyone used to make fun of my penises. to me they were just flaccid fat so that's how i drew them. in a single stroke. i thought they looked fine but they never ceased to elicit laughter from my fellow students. i may never get over that. scarred for life because i can't draw a penis. they probably have that on my diploma that i never picked up. earned degree-can't draw a penis.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:54 PM ::
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happy tuesday
just got back from the squids. we spend way too much time talking about her plants. i had four glasses of coffee before i left and i still felt like lying down on the floor and going to sleep. this clozaril really kicks my ass. i feel like i could sleep all day. i wonder what's going to happen with the increased dosage. i'll be a zombie, a fucking drooling zombie.
have any of you read in the news about "sexsomnia?" weird. don't know what brought that to mind.
how do i find super woman's blog? i went there and there was nothing since january, which makes me think i'm in the wrong place. help!
i'm so friggin' tired though i don't dare take a nap. i'm afraid my alarm won't wake me and i'll worry sean cause i'm not showing up for coffee. if the alarm doesn't wake me, the ringing of the phone won't either and i'll awake to her knocking on my door, thinking i'm dead. that won't be good.
now on my seventh glass of coffee. my brain's clearing out a little. a very little. and now i'm out of coffee. knew i should have stopped at the store after leaving the squid's. but i just didn't feel like it. just wanted to get home and have a cigarette. i never take any cigarettes with me when i go out. i don't want the car smelling like smoke.
Posted by Lisa ::
10:10 AM ::
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Monday, March 27, 2006
yadnom
just got back from the pdoc's. she doubled my clozaril and took away my geodon. i guess we'll find out how that works. from now on, i guess you can just call me double dribble. sean said we could go get some bricks for under my bed.
the nurse came today and took a look around and asked me when the homemaker was coming. this was regular nurse not icky, stern nurse. she asked me what was going on, said that i never would have lived like this in hamp, with cat hair all over the place. i acknowledged that i wouldn't have. after she left i reached for the broom and did a quick sweep of the kitchen. then i went to get my blood drawn and brought the vacuum from the car back in with me and plopped it in the middle of the living room floor. now of course the cats have been asleep in the living room ever since i brought that vacuum in. and of course, i'm not going to start it up and scare the hell out of them. should have done it before i left for the pdoc's instead of taking a nap.
is anyone else having trouble getting into certain people's sites?
Posted by Lisa ::
10:32 AM ::
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Sunday, March 26, 2006
yeah, i fell asleep
sitting up with a cat on my lap. woke up about nine thirty and crawled into bed. sorry i missed the chat was looking forward to it. have slept most of the day today with the help of a little seroquel and klonopin.
the pizza i got last night was a real disappointment. it was pretty tasteless. they didn't seem to put any spices in the sauce. and there wasn't much sauce and it wasn't really hot. you should burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. i was there when they took it out of the oven and it doesn't take five minutes to get home. i don't know why it wasn't hot. anyway, it was pretty blah. and that was my big treat. ~sigh~
weird dreams. all about things that i couldn't do. or was afraid to do. yucK!
kept waking up with cold drool on the pillow. but didn't wake up enough to do anything about it. although i hate to do it to my books, i guess i'm going to have to put some under the head on my bed. now, to choose which books i want to sleep on. i have an appt. with the pdoc tomorrow afternoon so i should at least try it. wish i had some old encyclopedias that i didn't care about. got rid of those when i moved. i've been trying to think of something else that i could put under the feet of my bed. i need big wood blocks. my grandmother used to have those under the head of her bed. i don't know why. heartburn, maybe. when i stayed over there as a kid she used to wake me up talking in her sleep. and i lived with her for a while but i had to pretend that i wasn't living there or she's lose her homemaking services.
all the kitties are sleeping. just as i wrote that, ollie woke up and wanted outside. it's not too cold out. the cool air feels kind of nice after being in the warm bed most of the day.
so i have that pdoc appt. tomorrow afternoon. i'm assuming that she'll increase the clozaril. i have to start having my blood drawn mondays instead of tuesdays. there's a whole process that things have to go through to be cleared for another refill. i like having it done on tuesdays because i could do it after the appt. with the squid. i was already out and it is on my way home. oh well, it's not far at all. i'm already starting to hate having it done once a week. just enough time for the bruise to disappear and i get it drawn again.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:43 PM ::
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Saturday, March 25, 2006
robins
there are a ton of robins around. the sign of spring. not this weekend. but they're saying that it's going to be in the 50s and 60s this coming week. i can definitely deal with that.
i have to go to the nursing office this afternoon. my clozaril hadn't come in. so it was go to the office (providing it has come in) or have a visit in the morning. i chose going to the office. marsha is supposed to give me a call. to let me know if she got the clozaril and what time i should meet her. it's a pain having to get a new script every week. they do that so that you can't avoid having the bloodwork done. the co-pays get expensive when it's every week too. i think, after six months, it goes to every two weeks. that'll make it a little easier.
didn't end up having pizza or poppers last night. settled for some instant mashed potatoes. i never measure. i should have. they were like glue. should have just put some butter on them but didn't. was in a weird mood last night. it was filling though. i've been hungry since i've been on the clozaril. i try to ignore it most of the time, since i'm not excersizing. but sometimes my stomach will just growl so loud and so long, i give in. i think i'm going to go for the pizza tonight. eggplant, tomatoes and extra cheese. they make such good pizza just down the street from me. i'd walk to go get it but it would be cold by the time i got back. there's never any place to park. there's a special space for just to go orders. but some jerk is always parked there. and probably parked at the bar too. i guess if he doesn't pee, it is a to go order.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:41 PM ::
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Friday, March 24, 2006
i lost my pots..er post
it was just getting good too. but writing it down took it all out of my head. something about my nephew and being very proud of him. proud of the way he's handled this whole situation. saying that my sister did a good job of raising those kids alone, with a little help from aunite ish (as i used to be called.) they've both grown into good guys. one of which i hope will help me change the locks on my doors. they didn't do new locks when they turned them into condos. and my locks suck. i have to leave the front door unlocked when i leave because you can't unlock it from the outside. and the back door, H. fiddled with to get it to lock but i have to lock the storm door so it doesn't blow open, so that doesn't help.
i'm thinking of getting poppers tonight. either that or a pizza. a pizza would be better for the same money i'd have leftovers. i'm surprised that sean didn't ask me if i had food. o yeah, she called this morning and said she couldn't meet. i only saw her three days this week. she said she'd call monday morning to make a time. i just have to deal with the nurse in the morning and i have the rest of the weekend to be a hermit. i'm hoping to clean the house. i'm not spending as much time sleeping as i was for a while there. i feel like i could sleep all day, but i'm not giving into it.
i'm listening to the Bonnie Raitt cd that i picked up yesterday at walmart. her latest. it's pretty good. a couple of songs that i could do without. but Bonnie Raitt could sing the phone book and make it sound like something. i've seen her in concert twice. once at a large park in town, i didn't even notice the mosquitos.it was ridiculous. there was this long line to get into the part of the park where she was performing and as soon as they opened it, people just started pushing and shoving to get in totally avoiding the line. felt like i was with a bunch of mannerless children. but K and i got a good place a few rows back. i don't even remember if she had an opening act that time. when i saw her at Tanglewood, she has Chris Isaac as an opening act. am i babbling? i feel like i am.
guess i'd better stop.
hey when are we all going to get a chat together? okay, i've had some COFFEE. i confess.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:36 PM ::
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cloz-coma
okay, i kind of stole that from babs. this clozaril really puts me out. i got back from dinner last night and all i wanted to do was go to sleep. but oliver wanted out. so i had to wait and hour before he was ready to come in.
i met my sister at the restaurant and she said, we need drinks. so she ordered a wine spritzer and i got a beer. my nephew. well. it seems that on thursday (last), the stripper told him that she needed some space and by friday she was sleeping with Bryan, my nephews roommate and good (?) friend. some thing to lose your girlfriend and one of your best friends all in the same day. and the poor kid still has stuff in the apartment which he's going to try to pick up this morning. he took the day off to get it done. all of my nephew's real friends want to kick bryan's ass and i'm willing to make a mess out of the stripper. what kind of a friend would do that? and they were friends. they did almost everything together, talking on line into the wee hours, going to play pool, going to the clubs. then finding an apartment together.
anyway, back to the coz-coma. it puts me right out. i woke up once but only because i was having trouble breathing and i had trouble getting ollie off me so that i could go use my inhaler. but i did that then went almost right back to sleep. and it's hell to get up in the mornings. too out of it to even want a cigarette. imagine that. i think next week when i meet with the pdoc she's going to double the dose. that should be interesting. a sleep-walking, drooling creature. lurking in the night. repeating, "poppers, poppers, poppers." (shiver) all too real..
Posted by Lisa ::
7:55 AM ::
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Thursday, March 23, 2006
hello
sean and i didn't make it to walmart yesterday. i wasn't up for it. but we're going this morning.
she called my pdoc yesterday. i don't feel that the klonopin is doing any good and i was hoping that she'd switch it to something else. the pdoc called me this morning. she said that i might not really feel the effect of the klonopin because i've been on it so long. but if she took it away, she thought i would definitely feel it. she also gave me an extra seroquel for a prn. and decreased the geodon and replaced it with seroquel. those are the nighttime meds. this is all very confusing. sorry if i don't do a good job of explaining it. she suggested putting books under the feet of the head of my bed to stop the nighttime drooling. i think i'm just going to get another pillow at wallyworld today. i don't want to do that to any of my books.
i just fucking drooled on the touchpad. nothing to do but laugh about it.
having dinner with my sister tonight. apparently while she was gone to south carolina, some bad things happened with my nephew, the stripper and his housemate. she said she'd fill me in at dinner. i have a feeling i'm going to have to kick the strippers ass. i just have a feeling that she went after my nephew's housemate. but my sister really gave me no clues in the mail she sent. somebody hurts my nephew and i'm going to have to kill them. i mean it. he's such a good kid. i guess i'll find out who i have to kill tonight. maybe i could have Dick Cheney do it for me.
sean is due in a little while. wonder if she'll be on time today. silly me, for even thinking such a thing. at least she shows up eventually. she hasn't forgotten me yet. once, when i was a kid, the school bus driver forgot me. my mother was such a bitch about it. instead of just getting out of bed and taking me to school, she called and had them send a minibus to pick me up. it was really embarrassing. those were her drinking days. she wasn't very likeable. i just broke the cardinal rule: "what goes on in this house, stays in this house."
i've noticed one thing with the clozaril. it's very hard to get up in the morning. luckily, i have ella to keep me on schedule. she'll bother me until i get up.
marsha just called. icky, stern nurse is going to come late this afternoon with the med changes. i hope i drool on her. that's not nice. she's been much nicer lately. not dogging me about the shape of the apt. i just get her talking about herself and she doesn't have time to say anything. i'm going to try to get all my paper recycling together so that sean can take it away. the other choice is the dumpster. i hate to do that. we really should have some recycling bins here. maybe i'll bring it up at the condo meeting. then again, i probably won't. it's next wednesday. whoopie!
so it's $7.99 prime rib tonight with mashed red potatoes and salad. and god knows what i'm going to hear about the stripper. i wonder what it was about her that he finally gave up his virginity. sean thinks he's gay too. i told her i thought he was. and why and she kept saying, he's gay. it was kind of funny.
well it's about time to go off to wallyworld. where i will return my cart to the appropriate area.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:35 AM ::
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Tuesday, March 21, 2006
talksalot is paid!!!!!!!
just came back from a jaunt over to talksalot. paid her for march and april. i quietly slipped the envelope through the mail slot and tried to close the screen door quietly, then ran away. didn't want to have to talk to her.
i think i nearly overdosed on caffeine this morning. i'd been drinking coffee all morning thinking i was meeting sean at three. she called after twelve asking where i was. oops. supposed to meet at noon. so i went into town and ordered my usual large coffee. i got home and started to feel woozy. it's better now. that was about an hour ago. still feel a little funny when i stand up. but that could be my body adjusting to the increase in the clozaril. one of the side effects (besides drooling-slurp) is light-headedness upon standing. they tell you to stand up slowly. how do you stand up slowly? i picture looking like some kind of robot. tomorrow sean and i are going to conquer wallyworld. the cats will get their twenty pound bag of meow mix. no one has barfed in a few days. and they're not getting sick of the donated friskie's (knock on wood.) i have the back door to the porch open for them. ella and oliver are out there sunning themselves. it was only supposed to get up to 40 degrees but it's definitely warmer than that. i think i'll check my weather pixie. excuse me a sec. that reads 45 but i think it's warmer than that. must be 50. there's no wind. it's beautiful out. though it is clouding up a bit now. when i walked out of the coffee house, i couldn't believe how warm it was.
chuck is going nuts, zooming back and forth, bouncing off the furniture. now she's laid down. like she's going to take a nap. zooming to asleep in 5 minutes flat.
sean wanted me to get a special treat for dinner because my check came. i thought of poppers but all i really want is rice and salsa. i've been living on that, you'd think i'd be sick of it but i'm not. the salsa turns it into a delicious dish. although today, the convenience store was out of the HOT salsa so i had to settle for medium. won't be the same.
i can't believe that i can actually pay my bills now. later i'll write out the checks. and fill out the form for food stamps. uck! i hate the thought of it, but i do qualify and someone from sean's office told me that because i'm on medicaid i also qualify for a reduction on my electric bill. 33%. that's a lot. especially with the rates so high now. and the same person told me that if i indicated on the food stamps application that i had an air conditioner they give you more.
okay this is long enough.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:16 PM ::
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the squid, the bank and blood
by ten this morning, i'd seen the squid, gone to the bank and had my blood drawn. that's more than i've gotten done in days.
i was literaly slurping in the squid's office to avoid drooling on my shirt. i didn't bother to explain. i was just hoping that she couldn't hear it or my stomach growling. the session was relatively painless today. it went by pretty quickly. then to the bank. the guy in front of me took forever.but i finally got my deposit in and a little bit of pocket money. now for writing out all the checks for bills. i don't do my banking online because it's not very Mac friendly. some of the bills i take care of online, like credit card and the phone bill. then off to the lab. it's great to go to the lab rather than the hospital. it's right downtown and there's never a wait. maybe one person is there. but that's it. and they do a good job. and i'm starting to not care about my scars there. i give them the arm that has the fewer scars. i think if my hands didn't shake, i would enjoy being a hematologist. but it's impossible with my tremor even though i take a med to try to control it. i've had a tremor since i was fourteen. and most of the meds just make it worse. i can drink a pot of coffee and it doesn't make it worse but try anything that requires fine motor skills and i shake like crazy. made it hard during art school. especially the graphic design classes. we did all the designing by hand then, didn't have the computers they use now. wow, i'm old. damn.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:21 AM ::
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Monday, March 20, 2006
Guess what?
it came. it came. the check just came! and i ran to put it in the bank, but in this hicksville town, the drive-up closes the same time the bank does. stupid town. that's okay, i'll put it in tomorrow and pay talksalot in the morning. yippee!!!
Posted by Lisa ::
4:33 PM ::
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Sunday, March 19, 2006
the birch trees glow as it's getting dark
there were not any birch trees in my old neighborhood.
man, it's nice and cozy here on the third floor. oliver and boo agree. ollie is on my desk next to the keyboard and boo found an unpacked box to cozy up on.
it's been a long day, even though i slept most of the morning. i took quite a few pills last night but woke up every two hours. now i'm back to having none in my stash. damn.
oliver is watching the screen. he was fast asleep but got up when i went down to get another water. then up again with me. he's letting me rest my head on him. i wish he'd go back to sleep, he's directly in front of the left half of my screen. i can't see my typos. now he's crouching between the monitor and the keyboard. doesn't look very comfortable.
he's making me tired. sleepy.
what the hell is this blog about? i don't have any idea.
i'm in short sleeves and all my scars are glowing from the light of the monitor. geez. if only i could erase them as easily as i made them. i ended up with cellulitis from one of them. so my arm has a soft bump in one spot. i wonder if there's anything to be done about that. i know, why bother when there are so many scars anyway?
ollie and i are listening to Shawn Colvin. anybody out there like her? she sounds like she's about 12.
i hope that i'll be meeting with sean tomorrow. we didn't make a time. hopefully she'll call in the morning. i'd like to go for coffee and maybe the loan from her agency will be ready. i really want to pay talksalot. even better would be if the fucking ss checks would come. i'm beginning to think that they're never going to come. i'm already worried about next month's condo fee.this isn't the way that it's supposed to work.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:05 PM ::
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i hate it...
when there's a rain delay in any sport. the damned announcers drive me crazy. and it's worse with the guys with their southern accents. i'm bummed that the first time that i remember to watch, it's last years's race i'm watching. i have noticed that with the on board camera's, their windshields are pretty dirty. im tired of hearing jimmy johnson's name.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:10 PM ::
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NASCAR
as i'm writing this i'm watching my first NASCAR race. who's this Biffle guy? yay, i just heard Elliot Sadler's name.running 13th. oh, it's raining. they're showing last year's race. does mike joy have a toupee? yeah, i think he does. i think he should have gone with a different style.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:53 PM ::
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Saturday, March 18, 2006
me be nervous
it's one of those evenings. i've taken my pills but they haven't seemed to help much. i'm nervous as hell and i don't know why. i hate this. i wish tomorrow was monday. then i'd be seeing sean. at least it would be something to break up my thoughts. force me to get out of the house. years ago, when i couldn't sleep i'd just get in the car and drive. i'd be out there at 2 in the morning going nowhere in particular. now driving makes me nervous. i don't have much gas anyway. if i could take one of the kitties with me.....but they don't like to travel.
i know that i should call a friend just to get me out of this rut of thoughts but i don't feel very sociable. the idea of having to keep up my end of the conversation just depresses me further. i don't know what to do. i know what i want to do but that wouldn't solve anything. at least i have cigarettes. i'd be going nuts without them.
i want my sister to come home. i think she'll be here tomorrow. i hope she had a good time. i just want her here, just in case. i keep thinking that she's going to be killed on the highway on the way home. i hate it when my thoughts go places like that. but once the thought is there, i can't get rid of it. not until i know that she's home safely.
sometimes, i don't think these pills do a goddamned thing. i'd give a lot for thorazine right now. just to put me totally out.
part of me feels as though i should be in the hospital to be safe. but i've thought of ways to kill myself while in the hospital so i guess it really doesn't matter.
well, isn't this an uplifting post?
Posted by Lisa ::
7:50 PM ::
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short sleeve weather
at least here on the third floor. it's by no means short sleeve weather outside. the wind is cold. duck lady's mother is wearing a scarf over her head.(she lives right next door to duck lady) she has this little white dog that she never cleans up after.
now how did i get coffee on my "c" key? oh, and my "5" too. hmmmmm....
i didn't have a very long nap. around one, ella woke me up shouting, it's time for dinner!!!! i tried to ignore her, but it was fruitless. her stomach was talking directly to me. there was no ignoring that. plus, i think she was trying to gouge my eyes out to let me know the seriousness of the situation.
i hope that note staves off talksalot. i don't want her phoning me or coming to the door. i don't want to live in fear of the dreaded "knock."
wind chills in the 20s for tomorrow's St. Paddy's Day parade. that sucks. i hate parades, so i couldn't care less, but i know that it always draws thousands and thousands of people. and those poor little baton twirlers in their skimpy outfits. they'll be suffering.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:28 PM ::
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fuckity fuck fuck fuck
i'm trying to think good thoughts but it's not going well. this condo fee thing is really bothering me. i wrote talksalot a note trying to explain things. of course i don't know if it was legible cause my hands were shaking. well, maybe she can use her special decoder ring.
i don't know what i'd do without all of you guys for support. i don't even want to think about it. thank you all for your support and for listening to me complain about the same things over and over again.
i know that it will all work out eventually. it's just nerve wracking in the interim. who knows? maybe i'll get a check in the mail today. fucking checks.
i think it's time for a nap.
Posted by Lisa ::
10:19 AM ::
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Friday, March 17, 2006
COFFEE!!!!!
i'm having some now. iced, of course. my first coffee of the day. sean and i didn't meet for coffee. she took me grocery shopping.
she said she left a message for talksalot. i told her that talksalot left me a message that she wouldn't talk to her and sean said, "oh, she'll talk to me!" she's so cool. but i doubt that talksalot will answer her calls. she must recognize the number by now. i was talking to teressa about it and her thought was that talkslot knows she's met her match with sean and that's why she doesn't want to deal with her. i think she's right.
my sister is coming back from south carolina either tomorrow or sunday, i forget which. i hope she had a good time. i didn't hear from her while she was gone except a call to tell me that they arrived safely, so i'm taking it as a sign that she was having a good time. she more than deserved to get away from things and enjoy herself.
H. called me yesterday. he had a question about a "realtionship issue", as he put it. sean thought it was strange that he turned to me. i felt glad that he called me about it. we had one of the most affable break ups that i've ever heard of. we went shopping together for things for his apartment. i helped him move some of his big stuff in. we spent weekends together and it was no big deal when he found someone to be with. we don't talk as much anymore but that's kind of to be expected.
icky, stern nurse is coming in the morning. at least it's just tomorrow and not sunday. i'm really looking forward to sleeping in on sunday. of course i'll probably wake up at the usual time, but i can go right back to sleep.
somehow, last night i drooled on my hair. one side of my hair was all wet when i woke up. LOL i don't know how i managed that. and i didn't take a shower this morning so i walked around all day with dried spit in my hair.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:03 PM ::
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Thursday, March 16, 2006
heartburn and drooling
nope, no check today. and talksalot called. i didn't answer. i didn't know what to tell her. i'm waiting for that loan through sean's agency but i don't know how long it takes. talksalot said that she wouldn't talk to sean, only me. this shouldn't be happening. i want to beat the shit out of the guy at social security. he started this whole mess. dammit! there's nothing i can do. and having to be embarrassed because i can't pay the condo fee for the second straight month when i should have had that money long before now. this sucks. i can't take this stress anymore. i don't know what to do. i just can't take this. i feel like i'm going to do something stupid.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:32 PM ::
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Wednesday, March 15, 2006
rainbows and monkey butts
NO FUCKIN' CHECK!!!
sorry, just had to get that out.
DAMMIT!
sorry, just had to get that out.
FUCKTARD!
see above.
this no getting my check thing is getting really, really old. i'm sure you're as tired of reading about it as i am tired of thinking about it. i should have called talksalot. didn't do it. should have called the agency that loaned me the money for last months condo fees, didn't do it. should have called the bank. didn't do it. the only thing i got accomplished today was seeing the pdoc. oh, and i made it out to get cat litter. whoopie! well, i think the cats were pretty excited. there was almost none left.
oliver just made a pre-barf sound and headed upstairs. uh oh. when the damned check comes i can go back to feeding them meow mix. hopefully that'll stop all the barfing around here. the rug can't take much more. and neither can i.
i wish i was going to dinner with my sister tomorrow. would give me something to look forward to. i'm meeting sean pretty early.
talksalot must be cussing me for not giving her the condo fee. i was afraid she was going to come to the door looking for it. i think it's late enough now that i don't have to worry about that.
sean never called me back today. i don't think she checks her messages very often at all.
i don't know what it is with the evenings lately. i get so lonely. i used to like after it got dark. now i just feel empty. i don't want another relationship (which is good cause i'm not going to find one hiding in my house.) i guess i just want some company. that would require making phone calls. yuck! i just feel like such a loser compared to my friends. one of them just works at a sandwich shop, but at least she works.
i wonder if the increase in the clozaril will start tomorrow. just thought of it cause i caught myself drooling. one place where H. worked as a puter tech, they had this computer come in from a special needs client and the whole thing was covered in drool. i don't think he even had rubber gloves to put on. he finally moved in with his girlfriend. they moved their wedding date to the first of september i think he said. it's going to be weird having him married. funny actually. not funny strange, just funny. i don't know why. something just makes it funny. like my brother getting married. well, i'm sure that former girlfriends won't be invited to the wedding so i won't have to worry about getting the giggles in the middle of the ceremony.
that would be horrible. like getting the giggles in church. slapping my thigh and snorting would not be looked upon favorably i'm sure. it's not like i think she's getting the short end of the stick or anything. i just can't picture him as someone's husband. there i go laughing again. okay, got a grip.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:58 PM ::
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sunshine and snow
at the same time. pretty cool. the snow's not going to amount to anything. that's the kiind of snow i like. pretty when it comes down and doesn't stick to the ground. windy as hell out there. makes it feel like about ten degrees. the snow is going sideways.
went to the pdoc today. she did what i thought she would. raised the clozaril and went down on the seroquel. she was going to give me some samples but sean didn't trust me with them. hell, i wouldn't trust me with them today either. so she's going to have marsha pick them up. i don't get to see marsha today. she's taken the day off. so i'll see her next week. the pdoc asked me if i had any side effects from the clozaril. she asked about drooling. i told her only at night. i wake up with my pillow sopped. she said there was a med that would stop that. but after i was off of some of the meds. i'm drooling a bit during the day but nothing i can't wipe away with my fingers. i know, a wonderful picture i'm giving you.
i have a call into sean. i have to call asswipe, i mean talksalot to explain why she isn't getting the condo fee today. but i don't know what to tell her as far as when she'll get it. i don't know how long the loan from sean's agency will take to go through. i was hoping that checks would show up in the mail today, but only catalogues that i don't want. i get so many damned catalogues. i guess that comes from only shopping online, huh? my own fault.
i hope sean gets my message. she doesn't always listen to her messages.
the gift cards to the grocery store weren't ready today. sean called the guy who paints on his sideburns and he said there was a glitch. i don't know what that glitch was, if sean knew, she didn't tell me. maybe we'll be able to go shopping on friday.
my sister will be gone for more than another week. yesterday, when my asthma was giving me a hard time and i was starting to think that i should go to hospital, i realized that my sister was the only person i could call. but she wasn't there. i realized, between wheezes, that i've let so many people drift out of my life. and worse that it only takes a phone call to have them be there. but phone calls just seem so hard. and it's hard to make plans when you have no idea how you're going to feel. i'm sure folks know how that is.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:14 AM ::
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Tuesday, March 14, 2006
yep, me again
well a combination of the klonopin and looking at kitty pictures helped me to calm down. oh yeah, and some iced coffee.
guess i'm making up for not blogging for a few days, huh? i'm back to being a bloggin' fool. i stole one of the pics off the cat site for my desktop. i don't know why, i never see the desktop. always have something open obscuring it. but i put it on there anyway. yes, i've had a lot of COFFEE. hadn't had creamer all weekend so i'm making up for that too.
i really should call talksalot to tell her that the condo fee is going to be late again. she said that she wouldn't talk to sean. that it was illegal. sean said bullshit. but she had me sign a waiver today. just so she could tell talksalot that it was all very legal. i wish i could like talksalot. she's always been nice to me. that's not the problem. i'm not sure what the problem is.
i think i talked more to the squid this morning than i have since i've been going. told her about my nephew and the stripper. we talked about the other times that i've moved and how it was never a big deal but that this time seems so permanent. and i think that's the problem. i thought i'd be at the house forever. but the thought of being here forever, it just doesn't feel right.
it was kind of funny today, hearing sean's business voice. while she was on the phone. i never hear her business voice. she usually goes away from me when she has to make a business call. it's funny to hear that other side of her. ms. no-nonsense.
all very efficient. whereas she's usually rather discombobulated. (sp)
i really want to go to Ireland. i had the money a year ago but i wasn't well enough to take a trip. now i don't have the money and i'm still not well enough. wasn't it supposed to be an equal exchange? someday i'll get there...
Posted by Lisa ::
5:48 PM ::
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wonderful site
i discovered this on tiny's blog. it's a must see for cat lovers. it's terrific.
http://www.amazingcatcollection.com/
Posted by Lisa ::
5:02 PM ::
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i'm pulling my hair out
okay, so i'm not really, but i could be. sean and i went over my bills today. she made some phone calls to ensure that no one was going to turn anything off on me, like the gas or electricity. i didn't bring my cable bill. didn't feel right about it. not exactly a neccessity. well, it feels like it to me. but i don't think it falls under that category. the whole thing made me a nervous wreck. and made my asthma act up. oh joy. so i'm taking a loan from her office to pay the least amount that the companies would accept to not shut off my service. plus a little extra for gasoline, cat litter,, dry cat food and regular food. she also called my case manager at DMH and asked for gift cards to the grocery store. she wanted to take me to the grocer's today but i just wasn't up for it. even now that i'm home i can't relax. just popped a couple of klonopin. hopefully they'll kick in soon. and i think i'm getting sick. my chest hurts and i have this great cough.could just be from the asthma but i don't feel short of breath anymore. i don't know.
i have a wonderful pdoc appt. tomorrow morning. i imagine she'll increase the clozaril and decrease the seroquel. i still can't believe that this process is going to take six months. it seems inhumane. but what choice do i have? none. on webmd.com, they actually stated that the clozaril can help you enjoy life more. i've never read that about a drug that i've taken. not on that website anyway.
i came home to a barf fest all over the living room rug. that was pleasant. i really have to get the cats back on their meow mix.
oh, sean also called fuel assistance and they gave us an appt. and said that they'd pay the whole bill. i'm surprised so late in the season that they have funds left. grateful but surprised.
hey, all four cats are in the same room.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:24 PM ::
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Monday, March 13, 2006
a long winter's nap
just woke up. okay, maybe it wasn't a long winter's nap. but it was a winter's nap. all my bras are driving me crazy with the straps slipping. i'm losing weight that's the only thing i can attribute it to.
listening to Andrea Bocelli sing Ave Maria. that's the song they played at my grandmother's funeral. i didn't have anything played at my mother's funeral. i should have come up with something, even if it was the same as my grandmother's another thing to kick myself over. it would have been nice to have them play a song.
poor oliver was outside for my entire nap. i don't even remember lying down.
the cats have a habit of coming into the bathroom with me when i pee. how many of you can pee and pet a cat at the same time? i can't. i have to ignore one or the other. my brother peed on his cat once. he didn't know the cat was in the bathroom and there he was peeing and suddenly this head pops up. the cat looking to see what was going on. peed right on the back of his head. spent half an hour chasing the cat around the house trying to clean off his head. he'd croak if he knew my SiL told me.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:50 PM ::
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101 things about me
1. i'm bipolar
2. i'm a natural redhead (more auburn than red)
3. i haven't had sex in two years and with these meds, i don't care to anytime soon.
4. both my parents are dead
5. i have an older sister whom i'm close to and an older brother i rarely talk to.
6. i had another older brother but he killed himself when i was 14.
7. i've been hearing voices for over ten, count them, ten years.
8. i love old movies
9. i once dated a married man.(later found out his wife was pregnant)
10. i love animals, i have four cats
11. i cut to relieve tension
12. i've dated a lot but only had two serious relationships.
13. i have a lot of regrets about those relationships.
14. i once went a whole year without eating chocolate.
15. i've been bulemic and anorexic.
16. i first had sex when i was 14.
17. my first real crush was on another woman.
18. i'm trying to stop smoking.
19. i watch my neighbors for excitement.
20. i'm better at listening than talking.
21. the last time i got stoned, i thought it was raining in the living room.
22. i've had an abortion
23. i've had one miscarriage.
24. i hate my neighborhood.
25. i've hurt people and it haunts me.
26. i wish that my mother could have died at home.
27. i wish that i could have known my father better.
28. i'm overweight.
29. i'm going to turn 40 this year and it's freaking me out.
30. i've only had six jobs in my life. and none of them lasted long.
31. i collect old baseball cards.
32. i was a tomboy.
33. i went to my jr. prom with a cast on my leg.
34. my date wore a leisure suit. (how embarrassing)
35. i once dated a guy whose penis was just too big.
36. i've always wanted to own an MG.
37. i sold my childhood house last year and moved into a condo
38. i got caught having sex in a car.
39. i was once in a car that was being chased by the police. (we got away)
40. i'm really embarrassed by my scars
41. i used to weigh 100 lbs. (i'm 5' 7")
42. i love the third floor of my condo
43. i've always wanted to have children. pictured an Irish Catholic brood
44. i can't have kids because i have to be on meds that could cause terrible damage to a fetus.
45. i get lonely sometimes
46. but i like to be alone
47. the only people i see on a regular basis are paid to see me
48. i cut last night
49. the Sopranos is my favorite tv show. followed closely be the Gilmore Girls.
50. are we half way through yet?
51. if i won the lottery, i'd move to a place with no neighbors.
52. note to self: play the lottery, you'll have a better chance of winning
53. i was sexually, physically and emotionally abused as a child
54. many days, i wish i was dead
55. i've taken 5 overdoses
56. i've never had boobs to speak of
57. i am terrified of tornadoes
58. i hate dog slobber
59. talksalot intimidates me
60. i want to shoot the Roos with a BB gun
61. I LOVE COFFEE ( did i already use that one?)
62. i worry about my sister a lot and feel responsible for her
63. i love going to fairs
63. i own a guitar, clarinet and a keyboard but only know how to play by ear.
64. i came really close to using a chainsaw once ( i won't say on who)
65. i miss having pet mice
66. the cats miss it too. they just stare at the empty cage.
67. i think i've only been in love twice in my life
68. i honestly don't know what i'd do without sean.
69. i wish i could hold down a job
70. i wish i could be normal
71. i'd like to have another relationship at some point
72. i love birch trees
73. i never imagined living in this town
74. i think Pres. Bush is worse than a moron
75. fall and spring are my favorite times of the year
76. i'd like to go snowshoeing
77. i want a jacuzzi in my condo
78. i love raw cookie dough
79. i miss my mom and my dad
80. i would never commit suicide because of what it would do to my sister.
81. i don't know what i'd do without my kitties
82. i once worked picking cucumbers. (me and my allergies lasted about three days)
83. i like to get drunk once in a great while
84. both my parents were alcoholics
85. it killed one of them (my dad)
86. i regret a lot of things that i've done in my life. knowing that i could have done better.
87. i won't go to a concert unless it's Bonnie Raitt or Mary Black
88. driving on the highway makes me nervous
89. i want to take care of everybody, even though i know that i can't
90. my window is dirty
91. more???
92. i used to want to be an Air Force nurse
93. i was offered a job at the local paper as a photographer but i didn't have a car at the time
94. i used to bicycle at least ten miles a day
95. i loved that time
96. my eldest brother died by his own hand and i don't think that i shall ever forgive him for that
97. i was lucky to have him as the best big brother anyone could have
98. almost done
99. i love photography
100. i don't know what i'd do without my internet
101. i've been very lucky in life, bad things have happened but i'm still here and have some wonderful people in my life.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:45 PM ::
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i knew it
i had a feeling sean wasn't going to be working today. she called about an hour ago, saying that she couldn't meet today, she had something more pressing. her wording could have been better so it didn't leave me feeling unimportant.
i'm supposed to get all my bills together and meet her at her office tomorrow. right now i don't have the entire amount to give to talksalot, who by the way dyed her hair a horrible red. doesn't look natural at all. looks like she's got a bloody dry mop on her head. it's not like Ann's because it's supposed to look natural and it doesn't at all. i hope it fades by the condo meeting. i don't want to chance a case of the giggles when i look at her. i know, i'm so mean. it's that kind of day.
i was really counting on seeing sean today. after being comatose most of the weekend, i was almost looking forward to getting out. i was really looking forward to a good cup of coffee. i had a glass of iced coffee this morning but it was mocha java. i HATE flavored coffees. but it was a gift. it wasn't too bad hot but iced, without creamer, it sucked. i only forced it down for the caffeine value. if they'd just make a caffeine IV drip, it would save a lot of people from bad coffee. just stop by the hospital early in the morning, then again around four. we'd be all set.
someone in a small car just drove by with a trunk full of firewood. guess they're getting ready for the brisk rest of the week before us. sometimes it pays to have a truck. wonder how many times they have to fill that trunk to get a decent amount of wood.
i have to dig out the canned air. there's cat hair on the keyboards of both puters. wonder where the hell it is. ;P
i have a feeling that i'm going to blog a lot of useless crap today.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:09 PM ::
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oliver
is sitting in front of the screen, just off the left side of the keyboard, watching everything that happens on the screen. i have to crane my neck to see around his ears. he keeps letting me give him kisses which he doesn't usually let me do. right now he looks as though he's going to doze off sitting here. maybe he'll hit the futon soon and take a nice nap. when i moved, i was going to ditch the futon, or at least put it in the storage area. i'm glad that i didn't. the cats like to sleep on it when i'm up here. the only other place for them to get comfy up here is the rocking chair which has a pillow they managed to slip down onto the seat. ollie just went to the futon. i can see again.
i'm waiting for a call from sean to see what we're up to today.
looking out at the birch trees makes me miss the little japanese maple tree H. and i planted in the yard. we called it Amos. we named everything. we got it as a sapling and it was doing so well. ms. bitch, who bought the house, better not have dug it up. when i moved, it had grown into a nice little tree. i really dislike that woman. she was such a bitch at closing. i can't believe that it still gets to me after a year. she was just a bitch, that's all. she got what she wanted for a great deal and still argued over things. bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, BITCH!!
i wish that i could let things go easier. it's not about holding a grudge, it's just about the feelings that come back. feeling like it was just last week. i can't seem to get over things. and i blame myself. i blame myself for letting her get away with so much. acting like a brat. the old, if you don't give me what i want, i won't buy the house. which was bullshit. but couldn't take the chance that she'd actually back out. manipulative bitch.
gosh i wish that i had that house back. but i've been through that before, couldn't afford to keep it up. blah, blah, blah.
maybe once i get things cleaned up in here, i'll feel better.
i'm just watching a squirrel hop across the road. we have black squirrels here. they're so cute.
ugh, tomorrow is the squid. ugh and double ugh. i've been going there for several months and i've gotten used to her hair sticking up but i still don't want to talk to her about anything. the only one i really trust is sean. and i guess i trust my pdoc. the squid is nice enough. i just don't want to talk to her. the pdoc asked me if i was more comfortable with sean than i am with the squid. well, duh! i've known sean for two years. much longer than i've been seeing the squid.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:59 AM ::
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New England weather
Monday Morning Fog then Mostly Cloudy & Mild!
Showers Developing
50-56
Winds: Light
Monday night Showers Likely, Thundershowers Possible
Mild with Areas of Fog
44-50
Winds: South->NW 5-15 mph
Tuesday Any Morning Showers End, Partial Clearing
Becoming Windy and Colder
48-54 (morning highs)
Winds: NW 10-25 mph, gusts to 30-40 mph
Tuesday night Partly to Mostly Cloudy, Breezy
Chance of Flurries or Snowshower
24-28 (wind chills: 10-20)
Winds: NW 10-20 mph
it was in the 60s on saturday. people were walking around in their shirtsleeves. except for this one guy who had on a parka, wearing the hood and all. i don't know what was up with him. i guess he figured it was still winter and he should dress accordingly.
i'm ready for the warmer weather. enough of this cold shit. i'd rather be too hot than too cold.
i'm going upstairs to listen to Sarah McLachlan.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:19 AM ::
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Sunday, March 12, 2006
the stripper
so my nephew, whom i thought was gay, is now dating this ex-stripper. five years younger than he is. (he's 28) it's his first real girlfriend, if you know what i mean by real. ;P after three weeks they decided to move in together. she was living with someone and broke up with him and started going after my nephew. so she couldn't stay where she was, thus the moving in together. i'm less than thrilled. if she did it to one man, what's to keep her from doing the same thing to my nephew? he doesn't see that though. he's "in love." my sister voiced some concerns to him and he turned around and told the stripper what she'd said. this is a kid who always seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. but obviously he isn't using his head currently. i'm just afraid that he's going to get hurt badly.
my sister and the jackass are in south carolina visiting his sister and my nephew and the stripper are staying at their house to take care of the dogs. i haven't met this young woman yet but just from what i know through my sister, i'm not sure that i want to meet her. my sister said that she is trying very hard to like her. it's not going well.
i found this all out during dinner with my sister on thursday. it's dangerous to go to dinner.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:14 PM ::
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heigh ho
i stopped blogging for a few days just because i felt like i was saying the same old things. so i started writing in my journal where it doesn't matter if you repeat yourself seven times. or whine the whole way through.
i took a bunch of my saved pills last night. just didn't want to have to think. welll it did the trick. i slept through the night with no bad dreams. i went to bed after they started to work. felt incredibly drunk. was seeing things. not huge rubber bunnies or anything but, well, it's hard to explain what i was seeing. but i'd try to touch them and my hand would go right through. i have no idea how much i took of what. but i woke up this morning so it couldn't have been too much.
i was up on the third floor but oliver wanted to go outside when i came down to pee. so now i'm at the laptop. but upstairs, the birch trees were glowing against the dark mountain. it's totally dark out there now.
i hope ollie comes in soon so that i can get back up to my fortress.i'm waiting to see his little head peeking in the front door window.
the Roos haven't been too noisy this weekend. of course, i've been asleep for most of it.
it was nice not having a nurse this morning. i woke up at six but could go back to sleep. i had and ISP (individual service plan) on thursday. all my "caretakers" meet and talk about me. it's soooo uncomfortable. but during it marsha told the head honcho that i was no longer getting a nurse on sunday and that she was following my lead about the nursing visits. so i may cut out saturdays too. then i wouldn't need to see icky, stern nurse every other saturday. i'd only see her if regular nurse takes a day off. which is almost never. she'll come to work sick to share her cooties with all of her patients.
sean is working on getting me a loan for my back bills. since the guy at ss did such a bang up job of screwing everything up. i don't know when to expect the big check. could take up to a month. i don't know what these people think that folks are living on when they make a mistake like that. ah well, there's nothing that i can do about it. it'll come eventually. if my cable gets shut off, i'll just have it turned back on when i get the check.
didn't intend for this to be so long.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:17 PM ::
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Wednesday, March 08, 2006
oh to be a kitten...
they're always happy. doesn't take much to amuse them. and they get all kinds of cuddles. but curses, i was born human. with a brain that doesn't work right. whine, whine, whine.
i have to go get my blood drawn today but i'm going to wait until a little later. i'm meeting sean at noon for coffee. and today is the day that i meet with marsha. i've got the morning to putz around. don't dare take a nap, afraid i won't get up on time.
i'm hoping to go to dinner with my sister tomorrow. i emailed her an invitation but i think i'll have to call her tonight. she doesn't check her email on a regular basis.
i hope ss gets that damned check back so they can issue another one. this time to the right address. fuckers. their screw up and i get the short end.
this stupid song keeps going through my head. The Rattlin' Bog. heigh ho the rattlin' bog, the bog down in the valley o.
i hope you all know that song and it gets stuck in your heads too. what can i say? i just like to share...
of course Happy, Happy, Joy,Joy, is in my head too. thanks to Babs. two songs fighting for control.
the cat just clawed me trying to get attention and i got totally pissed off. i hate that. getting pissed at her, i mean. she's just being a cat. i hate my anger. i'm afraid that one day, i'm just going to lose it. probably over something small.
my real estate agent, his wife stabbed their cat. i can't imagine that. as much as they piss me off sometimes, i can't imagine ever doing that. she's bipolar and apparently wasn't on her medication at the time. it's beyond me how someone could do something like that. she took her to the vet, but they couldn't save her. it makes me sick to think about it. just plain sick.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:02 AM ::
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Tuesday, March 07, 2006
bloggin' while i can
the guy at the bank was really nice. i took out a loan to pay the bank. taking out a loan from the same bank that you're taking out the loan to pay off. weird. but in four months it'll be paid off and my account will be back to normal. hopefully i'll get the retroactive check before then and can just pay it off. the guy was so nice. i think i want to marry him. though he's kind of wimpy looking. okay, i guess i don't want to marry him. i feel relieved with that out of the way. no poppers for me yet. but did get some creamer and milk. mac and cheese is going to be the feast for the next few days. i think i have four boxes of it from the food pantry. that and rice with refried beans and salsa. i gave ella some milk as soon as i got home. she was very happy and went out on the porch to sleep in the sun. i wouldn't mind doing that. if i had a nice cushy chaise out there, i think i'd be out there with her.
with no segue whatsoever, i'm feeling the need to cut. maybe it's this whole ss thing. everything feeling so out of control. i'm going to try not to. it's not going to solve anything. just make me feel better for a while. it would be a wonderful release. all of the tension, frustration, discouragment....all that kind of stuff builds up and cutting provides a temporary release. sometimes, after i do it, it helps me to cry.
when sean and i got to the ss office, they were serving number 20. i got number 47. good thing i took all my prns before leaving the house or i'd have been crawling out of my skin. i did walk into a pole as we were walking down the street. fortunately sean didn't see.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:14 PM ::
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stupid fucking moron idiot
well i found out why i didn't get my checks. the asshole had my address but the wrong town. they did give me a months check today but the retroactive check they have to put a tracer on. it could take up to a month. that was the check that was going to get me out of debt. they have to make sure that no one cashed it. and that it wasn't me who cashed it. how the fuck could i have cashed it if it was sent to the wrong address??? i'm too discouraged to be really pissed off. but that guy at ss is definitely an incompetent moron.
i cancelled my appt. with the squid this morning. as soon as i got up i started crying. it turned out to be good that i cancelled, because sean came early. and she brought coffee, bless her heart.
if i disappear for a while it's just because they shut my cable off.
now i have to go to the bank and try to get things straightened out. that should be fun. i don't even know if i'll have access to any of the money from this check.
i can't believe the idiot got the wrong city. he even sent me mail to the correct address! i hope i never have to see him again.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:40 PM ::
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Monday, March 06, 2006
the elusive check
do i have it????? no. sean had the day off today because she worked yesterday. she didn't tell me that ahead of time. she called about one-thirty and said she was off. we made a time to go to the ss office tomorrow morning. neither of us remember how to get there. we had to stop twice and ask directions last time. so it was rather a let down today. i waited all morning for her to call. then i finally called her at the office. she wasn't answering. i figured she was out with a client and didn't leave a message. then she called about a half hour later. so we'll be going tomorrow after my appt. with the squid.
i'm up on the third floor again. i love it up here. and it's much warmer up here. i'm listening to Sarah McLachlan. haven't listened to her in a while.
does anyone know a good stain remover for a couch? oliver threw up on the couch and i assume it's the stomach acid that has left a white spot. i realized that they threw up less when they were on Meow Mix all the time. i think i'm confusing their stomachs by buying the cheapest dry food. when i can, i think i'll see if sean is up for a trip to wallyworld and i can get a huge bag of the Meow Mix. they're doing well switching from the Fancy Feast to the Friskies. they don't seem to mind at all.
the Roos cooked something disgusting for dinner. couldn't quite identify the smell, but i knew that i didn't want an invitation to dinner. it even smelled in my bedroom. yuck!
i have to remember to get my blood work done tomorrow too. i wonder what time they open. every week for six months. like i said, it'll be worth it if it works. and i haven't started drooling yet. yay!
Posted by Lisa ::
7:59 PM ::
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greetings
from the third floor. haven't been up here in a while. Boo is sitting almost on top of the keyboard. she's been a little attention seeker this morning.
i haven't heard from sean yet. i was hoping that we'd get to the ss office this morning so that this afternoon i could go get things straightened out at the bank. i could call her, but i'm sure when she knows what time she can go, she'll let me know.
i like being up here. looking down on the rooftops. almost all the snow has melted. we're supposed to be in the 60s by next weekend. that'll take care of the rest of the snow. wouldn't it be nice if spring is here. i long to see the buds on the trees. I WANT SPRING!!! i don't know why, it's not like i have room for a garden anymore. i really miss that. this neighborhood just sucks. i feel like i'm never going to get used to it. i did decide that this spring, i'm going to paint my enclosed porch. it looks pretty bad the way that it is now. old dirty paint. and i'm going to make it bright and cheery. maybe put some of those glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. i'm sure sean will help if i ask her to. she'll find it fun. i'll find it fun to have someone to do it with.
oliver is up here dozing on the futon. i'm not sure where Boo went off to. but it's certainly easier to type without her sitting on my fingers.
obviously, i really don't have anything to say. but i didn't let that stop me....
Posted by Lisa ::
11:33 AM ::
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Sunday, March 05, 2006
i slept through it
the race. i was really looking forward to it too. but off i went to dream land. seems that's all i've done today. trying not to think. i think i would really have enjoyed that race. well, next weekend i trust that they'll have a regular race on and i can watch that. my thoughts are kind of squishy today. no, i don't know what that means. just that i can't keep a thought in my head. except the ones that i don't want to be there.
i'm actually doing laundry. it's a momentous occasion. i keep thinking my cellar stairs are going to give way. i wanted to have them replaced, but didn't get around to it. now it's too late. for now, at least. i have no idea how much it would cost. the wood would be the biggest expense. i'll just hope they stay put for a while.
should be going with sean tomorrow to get my check. i hope nothing goes wrong.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:49 PM ::
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Saturday, March 04, 2006
ask me what i'm going to do tomorrow....
well, silly, i'm going to watch my first NASCAR race.i guess it's not a real big name race, but apparently it's a road race. i like that. sounds more interesting than guys going around in circles, i'm sorry, ovals. i'm looking forward to it. now if i can just remember it tomorrow....
so far, no side effects from the clozaril. the nurse said it would probably take a few days if i had side effects. i'm trusting that there won't be any. i'm really betting my all on this drug. several people have said how much it has helped others. if it can get rid of the voices AND the suicidal thoughts...hmmm, i wonder who i'll be. i guess if it works, we'll all find out.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:35 PM ::
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i thought....
this clozaril was supposed to be sedating. this is the second or third time i've woken up tonight. and i did take the rest of my nighttime pills.
sean took me to the food pantry yesterday. then we went up to DMH to get a grocery gift card and she took me to the grocery store for things i couldn't get at the food pantry. most importantly, cat litter. i'd been forced to use the emergency cat litter. which isn't scoopable. i hate it. i'll have to clean their box out good today and put the normal kind of cat litter in. the cats and i both, will be glad. i guess i could do it now. it doesn't make much noise.okay, did it.
i don't think i'll be going back to sleep until after icky, stern nurse comes. i'm planning to sleep as much of the weekend away as my body will take. and the cats will have a say in that as well. maybe watch some movies. though just sleeping sounds like the best idea.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:30 AM ::
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Friday, March 03, 2006
well, the mail came
and still no check. that means that sean and i will be going to the SS office on monday.
i don't feel like writing much. maybe i will later.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:51 PM ::
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Thursday, March 02, 2006
Monsieur Goodwanker
after sean called this morning and i told her, no check, she called goodwanker. he said that there must be a problem with the mail. a problem with the mail? a problem with the mail? he said i should get it today or tomorrow and if i didn't we could go down to the office on monday and get a check right then. sean said he sounded like he was actually looking stuff up because he asked for my social security number.
here's the mail carrier....no, fucking check. all i want is a cigarette! fuck!
Posted by Lisa ::
2:49 PM ::
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Wednesday, March 01, 2006
no fucking check
yes, you read that correctly, no fucking check. now i'm really getting upset. i can't believe this. i saw this guy in January and he still doesn't have his act together. i have bills up the wazoo, a negative balance at the bank. a loan to repay for my february condo fees. and no fucking check. he porposely told sean that i would get a march check. all right that's enough stress, i'm reduced to tears. i just can't believe that this guy has dragged his feet this long. isn't his job to get people the help they need?
somehow, meeting with sean the subject of dinner came up and i admitted to having only rice in the house. she took me to the local little grocery store and we got a few things, thinking that we'd do a regular shopping tomorrow. i just can't believe this. the guy is a complete moron. he shouldn't have the job that he does if he can't help people in a timely fashion. i want to knee him in the crotch and punch his paunchy stomach. sean's going to be really pissed off too. and how much you want to bet that he won't be reachable by phone tomorrow. i got home after the office had closed or i think i would have called him and literally said WTF????? i'd love to be able to hold up his paycheck for six weeks and see how he does.
sorry for the rant. i'm just really upset.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:24 PM ::
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F*CK YOU
not any of you. you're all sweeties. it was from a dream i had this morning. there were all kinds of things going on in the dream. and then my mother entered doing inappropriate things and i woke up saying "fuck you." who knows, maybe this is the end of those dreams. that sure would be nice. i'll find out tonight. i gave up on my plan of getting two or three hours of sleep at a time. i was tired all the time. back to sleeping mostly through the night.
it's fucking cold out there today. the sun is shining and the winds have died down but it's still cold. it's cold in here. i guess it's me.
boo keeps climbing up on my shoulder and just sitting there. i feel like i have an obese parrot perched on me.
no clozaril yet. maybe tomorrow.
i so want to take a nap but i'm afraid that i won't wake up in time to meet with marsha. and being late for that would mean being late to meet sean.
i hope the mail carrier comes at a decent hour so that i can cash the check. i've got a pot half full of rice in the fridge and if i could get some salsa to go on it, that would hold me until sean and i go shopping tomorrow. i haven't heard from my sister, so i assume we're still going for prime rib tomorrow. always feels silly when you just go shopping and you go out to eat. but it will be nice to see my sister. she sounded pretty depressed in her email. great, two depressed people going out to eat a dead animal. sounds enticing, doesn't it?
Posted by Lisa ::
12:35 PM ::
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Rothko
that's the Mark i was trying to think of.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:04 AM ::
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