Saturday, December 31, 2005
wow
it's really snowing now. turning the road white. it's nice.
H. called yesterday. which was quite a surprise. he said that he'd been thinking of me on the 29th. i figured he forgot all about it. gave him too little credit. we had a nice talk and he actually asked how i was. i almost dropped the phone. i don't even remember what i told him.
diet coke works pretty well as a cough medicine. i got some of the real stuff out in the middle of the night. i woke up coughing and couldn't seem to stop for more than a couple of minutes at a time. (still no asthma med) and i was coughing up a lung this morning but since i got back from the store and started drinking the coke....the asparatime (sp) coats your throat. and tastes much better than the cough medicine.
stopped to chat with spyder a little. had to take my cough medicine, the coke stopped working. wet my damned pants coughing. makes me feel like an old lady.
i'm hyper today. can't sit stilll for long. been working on this post for over an hour. have to keep getting up and walking around. i give up.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:22 PM ::
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it's just...
starting to snow. somehow it's a happy snow. we're not supposed to get much unless the weather forecasters have changed their minds. nope, they're still saying one to four inches.
i feel a certain peace today, if i don't think too much. my mother's calling hours were on new year's eve and her funeral was on new year's day. and i didn't know what the proper amount to give to the priest was. did i tell you they opened the wrong grave. idiots. the cemetery guy just assumed that she'd be buried with my dad. didn't check with anyone. so back to the funeral home she went new year's and was buried the next day in the right grave. i was furious.big mistake that you pay a hell of a lot for them not to make. it still ticks me off when i think about it.
on to other things. what time is the big party tonight. i want to have my diet coke and chips and salsa ready. yeah, i managed to go to the mini-grocery here in town. went in for cat litter, coffee and half and half. came out fifty dollars later. i hate that. everything is so expensive in that store. their bags advertise hometown prices....yeah, if you live in Beverly Hills.
it stopped snowing. it'll start again later. would be nice to have some fresh snow for new year's. all we have left is the dirty, sand filled snow.
Happy New Years everyone.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:23 PM ::
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Friday, December 30, 2005
i called...
Sean's "replacement" today to ask her to call the pharmacy and see if i could get my asthma medication (that i've been without for a week). i have trouble making those phone calls and i needed to know if they had my insurance up and running. she told me she'd call. i never heard from her, so i still don't know if i can get it or not. she must have gotten busy and forgot. that means tuesday before i get it, unless i get up the nerve to call them tomorrow. i'm coughing up lungs here. wonderful picture, isn't it? so, let down once again by someone from CSS. don't ask me what that stands for, i'd have to find sean's card to find out. i guess when you have so much contact with them, you're going to be let down once in a while. it's just hard.
tomorrow, regular nurse will set me up for sunday. i doubt that i'll see anyone on sunday. i miss sean. with sean i can always be myself. whether it's morose, depressed or feeling pretty good. we can have coffee and not say much to each to other and it still makes me feel better. i don't even want to think what i'd do without her. besides the clothespin chopsticks, she also gave me a bar of soap. (no, i don't think it was a hint) i started to open it and she said, smell it. thus concluding that it was soap. she wrapped it in fabric with copper wire around it holding a bead at the top. it was dragonfly fabric. maybe you need to see it to see how beautiful it is. i was glad that she stopped me. i still have it out but i'm going to put it in one of my dresser drawers.
i called my sister this afternoon. she's still not doing very well. she's not suicidal or homocidal, so they couldn't put her in the hospital against her wishes. but i feel like she should be there. i told her, you know that you can go straight to ES, right? (Emergency Services) but since there were no beds last week, she figures there won't be any this week. she told them when she went to the emergency room last week that she was having emotional problems and they didn't even have her talk to anyone from ES. i cut my arm and i have to talk to them, there's someone wanting to and they don't call them. makes no sense to me. she's still really confused about whether she should be with bumblefuck or not. she has like NO attention span. she can't work. she has to gain weight. but it's hard for her to gain weight even if she eats like a horse. just a really fast metabolism. like my dad did. she's got the whole long weekend to spend with bumblefuck. haven't asked her if she minds if i call him that. her primary care physician said to her,(about bumblefuck deciding that it was over) that if he did it once, he can do it again. i wanted to say that to her, along with a few other things.
everything just seems so screwed up....
Posted by Lisa ::
6:37 PM ::
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so far....
this day sucks. the only person i've seen since tuesday has been the nurse. yet i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. i don't really have the energy to talk to anyone. i still haven't listened to my brother's message. i just don't want to hear it. no matter how nice it is or maybe it's nasty since i haven't talked to him in a year. never gave him my new address. i have to get his son's gifts mailed. the trouble is finding a box that's the right size to hold them. does the post office have boxes or just envelopes? i should know this at my age but i don't. don't mail a lot of things other than bill payments and cards.
one good thing about living here in nowhereville is that the condo is well insulated. on days like this when it's in the high thirties, the heat doesn't come on. my old house had almost no insulation, the heat was running all the time. and it was oil and it cost a ridiculous amount even though towards the end i had it set for 50. there were a few times that the nurse came and i could see her breath. the furnace couldn't keep up when it was blasted cold even being set that low. even with the windows covered in plastic. i could sit on the couch and feel a draft. and a damned cold one at that.
here i have my heat at a balmy 65. and it's comfortable. sometimes gets too hot in bed. but that might be "cat power." or it might be because the heat vent is right next to the bed about half way up the wall.
i don't know that i've ever felt so lonely in my life. i'm not one to feel lonely. enjoy my time alone. being with people makes me tired nowadays.
it was stupid of me to reschedule my pdoc appt. and dammit, the squid (also known as calamari when she sits too close to the heater) is back next week. it's getting easier to go but not to talk.i make small talk tor the most part. i don't think that therapy can help me but people are counting on me to go. i've been in therapy for most of my life. and i really don't think that it helps. i don't know. i'm unwilling to talk about so many things. probably the things that i need to talk about the most. i can share more here than i can with a therapist.
the cats are happy. they just got their daily dose of Fancy Feast.
i'm going to blog a bit later. share some of the things about my mother, i think.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:54 AM ::
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Thank You
thank you to all of you who sent kind, supportive comments yesterday. they meant a lot to me.
i spent most of the day sleeping.
my bother called but i didnt hear the phone. it's just as well. i haven't talked to him in over a year. he left a message but i haven't listened to it yet. i didn't talk with my sister. i just didn't have it in me to call. plus, i never know when bumblefuck is around. and she didn't call me. i'm sure it was a hard day for her considering what she's been through lately, but i just couldn't call her. i feel pretty bad about that.
we have another anniversary coming up january 12th. the date my brother killed himself. actually it was the date that they found him. he's been dead for a few days. it'll be 25 years. it feels like yesterday. he was the best big brother than anyone could hope for. he being the oldest and me the youngest, i think that gave us a special bond. the only christmas memory i have is the year i got an electric train set. he and i set it up around the tree and played with it for hours. he was nine years older than i, so he must have been about sixteen. what sixteen year old now would have the patience and interest in doing that for their little sister?
Posted by Lisa ::
8:24 AM ::
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Thursday, December 29, 2005
December 29th
on december 29th four years ago, my mother took her last breaths. it was a saturday.
the nursing home had called me around 2 am and told me that i'd better come. around nine in the morning, my brother and sister arrived. about nine-thirty, i went home for a nap. i went back to the nursing home around one-thirty. my brother left.
i sat down next to her bed. she turned and looked at me, her eyes watery. and the bluest i've ever seen anyyone's eyes. i said, "hi there." she looked at me for a minute, then turned her head back. i started watching her chest. she took four more breaths and that was it. i took the canula out of her nose, tried in vain to close her eyes the rest of the way and close her jaw. it was like i was afraid to try too hard because i didn't want to hurt her. and that was the end. simple and quiet.
she was 67.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:15 AM ::
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Wednesday, December 28, 2005
today
canceled my appt. with the pdoc this morning. just didn't feel up to going. also canceled my coffee time with sean's co-worker pam. slept most of the day. i meet marsha in about an hour. the only reason that i didn't cancel that was because she's going to be out for the next couple of weeks. and i want to give her her socks!!
baked potato again tonight. sean got me a whole bagful so i'm set for a while. still haven't gone looking for my sharp knives so i can't have mashed, but i like baked just fine. she even brought sour cream. i hadn't had sour cream on a baked potato in ages.
could someone tell me what the difference is between a yam and a sweet potato? this has plagued me for years. i must know!
Posted by Lisa ::
3:08 PM ::
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Tuesday, December 27, 2005
condo meeting
well, i didn't make it to the condo meeting. fuck it.
but as i was coming down the stairs with my flashlight, the next door neighbor was putting something in my door. caught!
i didn't care though. as long as i didn't have to deal with talksalot
i'm baking potatoes and roasting garlic for dinner.
i couldn't remember my own damned password for my email on the third floor anyway. though i was listening to some old Bruce Springsteen.
to babs. don't let them get you down. they're not worth it.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:29 PM ::
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okay.....update
i'm not going to the condo meeting. big surprise. i had intended to.
some guy just knocked at my door offering to clean my carpet. for free. he gave me a free sample. took it back when i told him that i wasn't interested. was really a jerk.
anyway. i can't handle the condo meeting tonight. fuck 'em. i'll find out tomorrow what it was all about. i just can't handle it today. i'm having trouble adjusting to a condo after owning my own home. there, i certainly didn't have to attend meeting, except with myself and i didn't have to deal with the Roos slamming doors. i just really miss the house. and the freedom. and my garden and yard. that i could do anything i wanted to do.i had daylillies and hosta around the edge of the yard. and tulips and daffodils next to the house. i could grow any damned thing in my garden that i wanted to. i miss that. now i have like a foot and a half around the side and back to grow things. there are already two rosebushes there. one flowered until october. the other one just kind of languished.
i feel like i'm playing hooky, not going to the meeting. but i just don't give a shit. i can't take talksalot tonight. i didn't get my full prns today. i got one. they were out of the others. marsha called to say they were in and that she'd bring them to me tonight if i wanted. but i didn't want her to walk into this mess so i told her that i'd get a day's worth when i saw the pdoc in the morning. and i'll meet her tomorrow afternoon for the check in.
i'm going to go hide upstairs soon. on the third floor in case they come looking for me. i'll take the flashlight so that i don't fall head over teakettle. (is that a northern expression?)
man, i can't believe that the guy asked for his free sample back. what a jerk.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:14 PM ::
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To Sam
condo assoc. means the condominium association. you must have condos over there across the pond. units, like apartments, but that you buy. they take care of all the maintenance on the outside, snow removal, mowing the grass, stuff like that. i sold my house and bought a condo because i thought it would be easier. not having to worry about shoveling twelve inches of snow. i lived on a corner so there was a LOT of sidewalk to shovel. i had a snowblower but not the faintest idea how to start the damned thing up. it was a duplex (the house) and my nephew lived on the other side for a while and he took care of the snow but then he moved out and i was stuck with a huge snowblower that was no good to me. so i moved. one town over, but i don't like it. it's a small town and i liked living in the old city, full of energy all the time. this town shuts down at 5 pm.
so i'm going to this damned condo meeting and hoping that they don't raise the monthly fees and hoping that it's not a long meeting. and that is what the condo assoc. is all about.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:54 PM ::
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chicken
this has nothing to do with chicken but i felt pressure to come up with a title.
i have a pdoc appt. first thing in the morning. i don't know if she'll be making any changes or not. but i think i will tell her that i don't have to see her on a weekly basis anymore. it'll be weird going without sean. she's been coming with me for a long time. but i feel up to handling it myself. icky stern nurse is supposed to come tomorrow. i hope she comes at a reasonable hour so that i can get to my appt. on time. i'll leave even if she hasn't come. i'll just leave her a note to slip the meds through the mail slot. that's a good way to avoid seeing her. hell, i might even leave early so that i can do that. babs' special brownies, i couldn't give them to icky stern nurse because she has a four year-old and that would just be mean.
two hours til the fucking condo meeting. i may kill everyone in the room. i'm not sure how, seeing as how i don't know where my sharp knives are.....oh, that's terrible. forget i said that.
i realized that i'm really going to miss sean for the rest of the week.
i'm going to have to go into town three different times tomorrow. for the pdoc, to meet pam and then to see marsha. i could just bring my laptop and after my pdoc appt. go to the coffee shop but it's frustrating cause i can't send any mail out from there. don't know their STMP. and that would be two hours. too long.
haven't heard from my sister since the second time she stood me up. i suppose i should call and see how she's doing. and see when the hell she's going to come get her christmas gifts. she feels bad because she didn't do any christmas shopping this year. i told her that it didn't matter but i know that she still feels bad. i would too. next year will be pretty sparse as far as my shopping goes. i always make things when i can't afford to buy them, hand painted trivets, plates or mugs. that kind of thing.last year i painted plates and mugs for my nephew and his girlfriend and they loved them. my sister asked for some. she never got any. i'm quite the procrastinator. i painted her a sweatshirt one year and people at her work wanted one. i never did get that done either. now i'm sure that my fabric paints are all dried up.
i just called a friend who called me on christmas to wish me a merry christmas. when she called i just didn't feel like talking to anyone and i finally listened to her message today. but, of course, as with everytime that i call her, she wasn't home.
when i get home from the damned meeting i'm going to have baked potatoes and roasted garlic. i suppose that if i had the garlic before i went they might ask me to go home. hmmm.....
Posted by Lisa ::
4:43 PM ::
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coffee with sean
i just got back from having coffee with sean. she's going to be out the next few days. i'm not sure if she said until friday or through friday. i guess i'll find out. while she's gone, she's set me up with another worker, pam. pam always wears these outlandish shoes. can't even begin to describe them except that some of them have sequins on them.
sean and i had a pretty good time. it improved my day to see her. early this morning i was thinking about canceling. i'm glad that i didn't.
we have a condo assoc. meeting this evening. i have the feeling that the condo fees are going to go up for january. that does not make me happy. one of the reasons that i chose this condo was because of the reasonable fees. i don't want to end up feeling like i'm paying rent. i'm dreading this meeting. we all know how much i just love being around people. yeah, right.
i'm hoping it will be a quick meeting but i don't think that it's going to be. i just want to stay home tonight...
Posted by Lisa ::
1:16 PM ::
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nice nap
i had a nice nap with two of the kitties. woke up to the howling of the wind. sounds like it's going to move some houses over a couple of feet. i didn't know it was supposed to be windy. at least it's not raining too.
the cat doesn't want me to be doing this. she keeps sticking her claws into my leg. i can't stand that.
i tried to chat twice today and had to excuse myself both times. couldn't stay still. at least with a post you can keep getting up and walking around.
i'm reheating some stuffing (or, as apos calls it, cat vomit. that got me thinking.....)
it feels so lonely here tonight. i guess it'll be good to get out of the house to meet sean tomorrow. she always asks what's going on on blogger. the other day, i told her everyone was depressed and she said "i hate this fucking time of the year! excuse my french." she sees a lot of people in her job who suffer through the holidays. we all see.
okay this is just depressing me.
i'll write tomorrow. it should be a better day.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:27 AM ::
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Monday, December 26, 2005
second day
in a row that i've been totally alone, although the nurse did come this morning, it was a very quick visit. she woke me up actually.gave me my pills, asked me if i wanted to go back to bed. i said, yes and she left.
i'm not doing very well today. just dipped into my nighttime meds trying to calm myself down. the prns didn't seem to be working. i gave them over half an hour. i don't know what's wrong with me. i thought i'd be able to take another nap this afternoon but every time i laid down one or two of the cats would get on my and i felt trapped and had to get up. i keep thinking of people who are having celebrations today and it depresses me. i know that i'm not doing much to help myself. i should put in a movie or something. one of my friends called yesterday and i haven't even listened to the message yet.
to Sam: no chicken has no traditional meaning to me. it's been along time since i cooked a christmas dinner and that's just what i wanted. wanted the stuffing more. :)
Posted by Lisa ::
4:58 PM ::
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christmas
first, the chicken. it was done in a lot less time than i thought. suddenly the popper was up and i pancked. i didn't have anything ready. so i ate just chicken. only one of the cats came around for some. she was very happy to eat her bits and then lick my whole plate. not having a sharp knife, it kind of came off in chunks. some of it was nice and moist, some of it was choking dry.
second, my sister. she stood me up twice yesterday without a phone call. first, she was supposed to come in the morning on her way to her son's and she never showed up. then later, i finally reached her and she said she'd come over but she'd give me a call first. she never called or showed. i was worried after the first time. i tried to call her cell and it was turned off. i tried my nephews cell and it was turned off. i was afraid to call the house. afraid something had happened. but when i finally got the nerve up, she answered and said that she didn't think that i'd be up when they (she and her son) left to go to breakfast at her other son's. i wanted to say, then why did we make the plan? i told her i got up at eight.
so i didn't see anyone at all yesterday. i spent most of the day taking short naps. no movie marathon. nothing.
it was just like an ordinary day except that i didn't have a nurse come and i didn't see sean.
i'm baking a potato now and i ripped the broccoli apart with my hands. sean got such a perfect piece of garlic, i can't get into it. and though i want stuffing, i don't think i'm going to make it.
i had looked forward to such a perfect meal yesterday....oh well.
and that was my christmas.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:26 AM ::
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Sunday, December 25, 2005
poor chicken....
well the chicken is in the oven. taking the wrapper off was disgusting. i didn't know whether i was going to cry or barf. i did neither. i'm used to getting chicken breasts. they don't look like a dead animal. but there was no mistaking this. i pulled the bag of guts out and stuck them in the freezer for trash day. i tried cooking them for the cats one year and they didn't like them at all.
the good side is that sean got a pop-up chicken. the kind with the little while tab. cause i had no idea how long to cook it. the bad side is that i don't know where my sharp knives are to cut up the potatoes for mashing. to cut up anything for that matter.
my sister is supposed to come by. i'll ask her to bring a knife.
quiet day so far. doesn't feel different from any other day. i guess that's okay.
the cats are going to love the chicken! especially Ella and Boo.
the Roos aren't home so it's nice and quiet here.
don't have much to report.
hope everyone is enjoying the holiday!
Posted by Lisa ::
2:05 PM ::
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Saturday, December 24, 2005
Important Question:
does Santa hold it all night or does he piss in some of the fireplaces?????
Posted by Lisa ::
8:28 PM ::
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baked potatoes
i'm baking two small potatoes for my dinner. sean got me a whole bag. i thought of getting chinese so i could test out my new chopsticks. i don't think they'll work very well on the potatoes, unless they're badly undercooked.
my sister is supposed to call after she gets back from bumblefuck's mother's. i wouldn't have the nerve to go there. she knows all about bumblefuck wanting to end the relationship and she's been very immature when my sister has answered the phone. but she's going, i think that's rather brave of her. like i said, i couldn't do it.
it doesn't feel like christmas eve. doesn't feel any different from any other day. i remember when it meant something. when i'd be rushing to get gifts ready. fighting with the cat who wanted to shred the paper and stick herself to the tape. what has my life become? i won't go there. not today. i refuse to.
i hope everyone finds some joy tonight and tomorrow. i already got my christmas surprise. sean bringing me food for tomorrow.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:12 PM ::
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sean is due here anytime but i wanted to just post something.
you're all so supportive and wonderful. i thank you very much and feel very grateful.
i haven't talked to my sister yet today. i figure i'll call her after sean and i get back from the pathetic little coffee house here in the pathetic little town i live in. we were supposed to go to lunch but i cancelled. she called me back and gave me a bunch of choices of things to do. i chose coffee here in the pathetic little town. did i mention it is a pathetic little town?
i'm kind of afraid to call my sister. i'm not doing very well and i'm afraid to hear her not doing well.
sean came. she was early... she loved her little gifts. of course, told me that i shouldn't have. we get out to the car and she has a couple little gifts for me. and she's telling me i shouldn't have. one was clothespin chopsticks. we had talked about them a long time ago and i said i was lousy using chopsticks and she said they had them in San Fransisco. and the next time she went, she'd get me some. but she found some here.
man, she just came back with two bags full of groceries. a chicken, potatoes, stuffing, broccoli, cheesecake, butter, garlic. she just showed up at the door with them. i couldn't even say thank you. it was one of those times when you say thank you with your eyes and the other person says you're welcome with their eyes. after i closed the door, i started to cry. it was just so sweet of her.
i just talked with my sister. she sounded better today. she was going to bumblefuck's mother's to eat, then going right home to get some rest. and in the morning she's going with her son to her other son's for breakfast. she said she'd stop by on their way to pick up the gifts that i have for them. so i have to get them wrapped tonight. i wish i had gotten my christmas lights up. it's not too late. i guess. sean offered to help me today but it just seemed like too much of a chore. i kind of wish that i could find my Nat King Cole christmas cd. yes, you read right, nat king cole. i don't even have a radio set up to listen to mushy christmas music while i wrap gifts.
i wish all of you some can find some joy in the coming days. and i'll be around for support to anyone who needs it.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:40 PM ::
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Friday, December 23, 2005
fuckin' blogster
they deleted my whole account. now i can't even add comments without creating a new account. which i am not going to do.
stupid ass dumb fucks. dumb ass stupid fucks.
i slept all night last night. from about ten-thirty to five-thirty. i didn't get up or wake up once. and boy was i sore this morning. i'm not used to sleeping wihout getting up a few times. my joints were really hurting. and i mean really hurting. i can imagine what i looked like trying to walk it off.
i just got off the phone with my sister. she sounds a bit better today. but she's terribly worried about losing her job if she takes a leave, which one of her friends suggested. i asked her if she thought she'd be better off in the hospital and she said there are no beds in Massachusetts. she overheard them at the hospital trying to get one guy in and there was just no place for him.
she has to go get her meds and medication for her dog. and i wanted to say that i'd do it, but i just knew that i couldn't. i feel like such a loser. she needs me to do these things for her and i can't do them. i told her the first thing she had to do was get her meds. so she was going to work on that after a shower. i so wanted to say that i'd take care of that.
she's so confused about what to do about bumblefuck. she said that she loves him dearly but getting back together just surprised her so much, she doesn't know what to do. she has no idea how much money she has in the bank or what bills she can pay. i wish i had money to give her so she wouldn't have to worry about that. everything just seems like a fucking mess.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:45 PM ::
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oh, and...
thank you all for all your supportive comments. they mean a lot to me.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:34 PM ::
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another update
well, after sitting in the waiting room at the hospital for about five hours, my sister finally got seen by this dr. we know from when my mother was ill and whom neither of us likes at all. he told her that she had a UTI and to see her primary care physician about her weight and sent her home. i did things wrong. i should have had her see the people from Emergency
Services and they would have gotten her into the hospital. she was so upset that i wasn't thinking clearly. i haven't talked to her yet today. i figured i'd give her the morning to sleep. i'm afraid that she's going to feel the way she did yesterday all over again today. as just about all of us know, it doesn't go away in a snap. i think she's physically and emotionally exhausted. and "bumblefuck:(denise's word) doesn't seem to know how bad off she really is. they weighed her and she weighs 94 pounds, she's 5'7". that should have been enough for the dr. to put her in the psych ward. but he was too busy having his head up his ass. so i guess i'll just wait and see how she's feeling today.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:52 AM ::
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Thursday, December 22, 2005
all i can think of to do is blog. there are a couple people i could call but they go to bed early.
i finally talked to my sister about half an hour ago. she'd been brought into a room at least and they'd taken blood and urine samples. she was freezing even though they brought her a warm blanket. it is so busy in there that she's not getting any attention. no doubt filled with men who fell off their roofs trying to put up christmas decorations. i told her to call me when she got to a room. that i would still be up. i'm not sure if they still shut the phones off at a particular time or not.
i called her supervisor and told her that she wouldn't be into work tomorrow. she seemed nice enough. my sister always describes her as a bitch. i guess she put on a pleasant attitude for me.
my sister was complaining that the door was wide open to her room and that everyone looked in as they went by. boy, could i remember that. she said she told them that her back really hurt and she needed a shot but they didn't seem to care. i don't know exactly what is wrong with her back, but she gets shots every once in a while, maybe once a month and she takes painkillers. she also takes ativan or xanax, i forget which for panic attacks. she was fine before our mother got sick. then she kind of fell apart and she hasn't been the same since. i think she carries a lot of guilt for not being there for here when she was sick. she used to say, i don't know how you do it (taking care of her), i couldn't do it. we're two very different people. we don't have a lot in common. but we're sisters. and that's all that matters.
it certainly looks like she's going to be in the hospital for christmas. i'll spend the whole day there if that's what she wants.
i'm sorry to do so many posts, like i said, i just don't know what else to do.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:39 PM ::
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the mess that is my life
so many things. when i was talking with sean on the phone this afternoon, while waiting to hear about my sister, and i told her that i didn't know that i could be a source of support for my sister. she said, i'm sure you'll rise to the occasion and pay for it later. i told her that was the way it usually worked. how does she know these thing??? she said that i was a kind, compassionate, loving person. i told her she got paid to say that. and she said, no i don't. i offered to talk to her supervisor so that she could get a raise. i don't take compliments well.
so here i am sitting waiting for my sister to call. feeling helpless. but at least now i know where she is. i really think they're going to put her on the psych floor. a fucking lousy place to spend christmas. if they send her home, i'm going to be furious. earlier, she said that she was peeing blood. she takes so many painkillers for her back (which aren't working very well right now) she didn't know if it was masking the pain of something else.
and the 29th is the anniversary of our mother's death. i'm sure that's not helping her any.
i took all my prns and my nighttime meds today so i have nothing to help me sleep tonight. i just needed them during the day. some days i wish that i could just take thorazine and be knocked out for the day.
i still haven't opened my christmas cards. i should. i know one of them (i recognize her handwriting) is going to be very sweet. she's a 71 year old that i met at the hospital a couple of years ago. there were three of us who grew close.
okay, i just opened my fuckin' christmas cards. they were both very sweet. the other one was from my nephew and his girlfriend. a cat one of course, addressed to me and all of the cats. i'm surprised that they remembered the names of all the cats. sometimes i have trouble.
maybe not hearing from my sister yet means that they finally took her in. i just found out from her friend, whom i called to say that there was no news, that my sister had the dumbass drive her around for her visits today. she was feeling that bad. she's so afraid of losing her job. when your nurse shows up looking worse than you, that's bad.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:46 PM ::
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update
i called the hospital and they said that she wasn't in the ER but they had a full waiting room, so she might be there.
thought about it for a while then called her house. Mr. dumbass answered and said he was just leaving to bring her a hamburger. she was still waiting and they said they had no idea how long it would be. he was going to bring her her phone so that she could call me.
i hope she's doing better than she was earlier or it must be hell to sit there in a room full of people crying and hoping they call your name. i guess when she calls, if dumbass isn't staying, i'll ask her if she wants me to come up and wait with her.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:29 PM ::
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more
the supreme dumbass hasn't called yet. i don't know whether to call the hospital or not. i'm going to give him until six, i guess. i know that everything moves so slowly there. i wish he'd just call so i knew what was going on. i'm not a patient person about these kinds of things.
sean just called to check on me. she's so sweet. i told her that i wasn't sure that i had the strength to be supportive for my sister. she said that that was okay. she had a lot of people taking care of her.
i just called the emergency room and she's not there. i don'tknow what that means. or where the hell she is because dumbass of the century hasn't called.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:49 PM ::
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my sister
i called her at one to see if she wanted to go to dinner. she sounded horrible, started to cry. said she needed to get some help.said she was going to call her primary care doctor but she had to wait until after he was back from lunch.
(things are going to come out all jumbled cause that's the way my brain is right now.) sean came, she was late, had a flat time. so i was with sean at the coffee shop and she asked if i wanted to call my sister. i said that i was just thinking about that. so i did and she was even worse, she hadn't called the doctor. she just kept saying that she didn't know what to do. i asked her if she wanted me to take her to the emergency room or call the doctor for her. she said that she'd call. she just kept saying, i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do. i can't make a decision. so i told her to call the doctor and then call me back. she called back and the doctor said that he could see her at three-fifteen. so i made plans to go get her. dumbass was at the store. ten minutes later she called back and said that dumbass was going to take her to the doctor. and i asked if that was all right with her. she said she guessed so. i asked if she wanted me to meet her there. she said, no, it was okay. she said she was afraid she was going to lose her job. i told her that they couldn't fire her for being sick.
she asked me in this little kids voice, if they were going to put her on West 5, the psych ward. i told her that i didn't know but i was thinking yes, they will.
i asked her to have super dumbass call me.
her friend just called to see what was going on. i told her that i hadn't heard anything yet. apparently she hasn't been eating or drinking. she told me that she was.
i think she's going to be in the hospital for a while. and though they can't fire her for that, they're the kind of people who would find something else to fire her for. she's an LPN, so she's not in the union. there's not much she can do. she doens't need that worry on top of everything else. and if they do find something else to fire her for, she can't afford a lawyer to fight it.
it's almost four. she should be at the hospital by now. i wish dumbass would call. and i wish that i didn't feel so damned helpless.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:25 PM ::
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christmas cheer
i'm lacking it. in fact the closer we get to christmas, the more depressed i become. memories of my mother dying just after christmas. all the things that i think that i did wrong in taking care of her rush into my mind. and i end up crying for hours.
that's what happened this morning. then i remembered my prns. and took a few. i'm calmer now. i don't know why i forget about them.
sean is supposed to come around eleven-thirty. she didn't come last week, so i have three bags of trash to be taken out. she's not sure if she's working next week or not. i'm going to have to go alone to the pdocs. she couldn't make the time that they had, if she was working. this morning i just feel like going off all my meds and saying fuck it.
all right, i guess that's enough complaining. the good thing is that i get to sleep late on chrismas because no nurse will be coming. i have a day of movies planned. Rear Window, Tootsie, On Golden Pond, Arsenic and Old Lace, Shrek, The Musketeer, and some others that i can't remember. Oh, Benny and Joon and Chocolat- to get my Depp fix.
one of the cats either just kissed me on the eye, or wiped her nose on me. i'm not sure which.
unless sean can bring me to the store tomorrow, i won't have my pop-up chicken and dressing and potatoes.there's no way that i can go by myself with it being so crowded. i'll probably be grabbing onto her for dear life.
i had hoped to get her to help me put up my christmas lights today, but i just don't feel like it.
poor porkchop, he's such a dumb fish. he keeps banging his head against the side of the tank in hopes of breaking free. which i'm sure isn't doing anything for his intelligence. poor stupid porkchop.
Posted by Lisa ::
10:14 AM ::
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Wednesday, December 21, 2005
more stuff
well, it's finally light out. i've been waiting since three o'clock. unfortunately, with the light the day doesn't look any better.
and it fuckin' cold out there. went out to get some cigarettes. guess i'll have to open the box with my coat in it. a short-sleeved shirt and a long sleeved shirt over it just didn't do it.
i should have the regular nurse today. i don't suppose she'll apologize for messing up my meds those three days. i'm sure she'll have some story about herself. don't get me wrong. i like her and sometimes find her endearing and she's really been there for me when i've hurt myself or was not doing at all well. sometimes it just gets to me that the service is charging one hundred dollars per visit so that she can come in, dump some pills in my hand and talk about herself.
went to the pdoc. she kept everything the same, med wise. i told her that i'd had a couple of good days. she said something that i didn't know. she said that nicotine can interfere with the absorbtion of medications. never knew that. i told her that the voices were better, which they are. we made an appt. for next week. sean won't be able to come with me but i think i can muster up what it takes to go myself.
my sister called about two thirty, crying. she was in a parking lot in town and wanted to know if i could go to the grocery store for her to get some food for the dogs. she said she just couldn't take it any more. i said, of course i can go. (thinking, how the hell am i going to do that? i can't go for my own stuff half the time. so i started to cry, which of course wasn't going to help anything.)
she called back about twenty minutes later saying that she got home all right and that i didn't need to go to the store. that dumbass could go out later and get some burgers for the dogs and then they could order out. i told her that if she ever needed to, she could stay here. i still don't know if she's planning to move out or not. i don't want to ask her too many questions. i don't want to upset her more. she said that if i still wanted to go to dinner tomorrow night, to give her a call during the day and she'd see if she was up to it. i hope that she is. she said that she's been eating and drinking, or trying to. she said the she couldn't afford to end up in the hospital and i wanted to say, that's where you will end up if you don't eat. but i didn't think she needed to hear that.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:20 AM ::
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btw
it's fucking cold here. my weather pixie says it's 5 degrees. that's set up a half hour south. i'm sure it's colder in my little pathetic town.
i'm sorry that christmas is going to suck this year. at least i assume it's going to suck because i'll be worried about my sister. for all my complaining, i'm usually rather strong and i can take being by myself, but she can't.
i have it in mind to find out what she's doing for the day and invite her over if she has no plans. two depressed people eating a dead chicken. how much better can it get than that?
Posted by Lisa ::
6:30 AM ::
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aww fuck!
didn't sleep much last night. now i'm ready to sleep and it's time to get up.
have a pdoc appt. today. meeting marsha at three-thirty, sean at quarter to four and my appt. is at four-fifteen. that means i'll have to drive home after dark and my night vision sucks.
i'm really worried about my sister. i'm afraid she's going to end up in the hospital for exhaustion if not for something else. all of her emotions affect her physically. and i don't know what's going on with blatherhead because every time i call he's there. i hope she told him to fuck off.
and i'm worried about what she's going to do for christmas. i don't mind spending the day alone, but i don't want to see her do it. why does everything have to be so hard?. always someone to worry about. always things you should be doing that you're not.
i have to call the guy from social security tomorrow. i just have to. after i pay my bills, there will be nothing left. i have to worry about condo fees for january, plus the other bills, plus feeding the cats. okay, maybe i went overboard on buying for my sister. but i really think she deserves some treats. even if they only make her feel better for the moments that she's opening them. it, really. she'll know what the fudge is. i've gotten her some for the past few years. and the wrapping paper doesn't hide the aroma.
it's almost time for my alarm to go off and it's not even starting to get light. today is the shortest (light) day of the year. it's all uphill from here. yeah, right.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:08 AM ::
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one of my favorite poems from childhood
Jonathan Bing
Poor old Jonathan Bing
Went out in his carriage to visit the King,
But everyone pointed and said, "Look at that!
Jonathan Bing has forgotten his hat!"
(He'd forgotten his hat!)
Poor old Jonathan Bing
Went home and put on a new hat for the King,
But by the palace the soldier said, "Hi!
You can't see the King; you've forgotten your tie!"
(He'd forgotten his tie!)
Poor old Jonathan Bing,
He put on a beautiful tie for the King,
But when he arrived, and Archbishop said, "Ho!
You can't come to court in pajamas, you know!"
Poor old Jonathan Bing
Went home and addressed a short note to the King:
"If you please will excuse me, I won't come to tea;
For home's the best place for all people like me!"
-Betrice Curtis Brown
Posted by Lisa ::
5:58 AM ::
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Tuesday, December 20, 2005
oh, and...
regular nurse fucked up. i did have more periactin. she just didn't see it in my med box because the box was such a mess of regular bottles and free samples. so i went without without needing to. geez....
Posted by Lisa ::
7:05 PM ::
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oh yeah, the squid
or so graciously referred to as "calamari."
i actually talked to her today. of course it took me til ten minutes before i had to leave. and i really wanted to take her picture (didn't have my camera) so all of you could see how she makes her hair stick up. you know what bugs me about her? when she drinks, i can hear her swallow. i really hate that. it's not necessary. i swallow quietly, why can't she? H. used to drive me crazy. when he drank soda, i heard three gulps. always three.drove me insane. but i was talking about the squid.....
she's very nice and soft-spoken. and she managed to get my insurance to cover her. she said it took four phone calls and some sweet talking. the first three phone calls were to people who didn't know what they were doing. the fourth time, she got lucky and it's all squared away. she's on vacation next week. yay! next week is also the anniversary of my mother's death so beware, i may be blogging about that. and it may be things you've already heard. but it's been on my mind a lot lately.
i have two christmas card that i haven't opened yet. am i in the spirit, or what? i have no interest in opening them. i didn't send out any this year. just a few ecards to my friends and some to my friends here. but one of my friends said that it ended up in her spam folder. i don't know what made her look in there but i'm glad she did. so if you didn't get one, though i'm not done sending them, look in your spam folder.
got marsha a pair of extra cushy, soft, oh so soft striped socks, two pair actually. i'll put a couple on wrapped pieces of fudge in there so she really won't know what she's getting. and got sean four wind up toys. i hope they work, couldn't try them out because they were in this little alcove in the store and i was butt-pressed against another customer, who didn't seem to mind that we were having an intimate encounter. anyway, there was no room but the floor and that space was pretty much taken up. now i think of having them try them at the register. didn't think of that then. i'll have to try them out tonight.
called my sister this evening and invited her out to dinner this week. she said that she didn't even know if she had the energy. i don't know what her response to butthead's idea of getting back together was. he was home again, so she couldn't talk. i hope she told him to fuck off. she said she'd call me during the day tomorrow. i don't know what she's doing for christmas or anything.
i'm thinking that i'll buy one of those pre-cooked chickens and make some stuffing and mashed potatoes for mine and the cats christmas dinner.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:26 PM ::
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fudge
no, not used as an expletive. fudge, got a pound for my sister today and got another pound free. that i can dole out in pieces attached to some people's gifts. got my shopping all done this morning. for under thirty dollars, except for the gift card i got from the jewelers for my sister.
i also got my coat today. it came in two days. i haven't opened the box yet. sean was psyched when i told her. also got an urgent envelope from the electric company. balls. i'm going to open it later or tomorrow and pay it right away. don't mind being in the dark, but the puter's battery will only last so long.
met with sean this afternoon. was supposed to meet with her this morning. i was sitting in the cafe reading the trivia off my phone when she called and said an emergency had come up (didn't specify personal or professional) and we made a time for the afternoon. i asked her when we met if she was all right and she said yes, it had just been a couple of crazy days. so i don't know what happened.
apparently, my blog has become invisible. if anyone can read this, please let me know.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:38 PM ::
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Monday, December 19, 2005
hairballs and other things
i've slept through most of the last two days. i guess saturday was a gift. i've felt shitty since. at one point today, while i was sleeping, i was awakened by the sound of a cat about to hurl. Boo was right on my chest, facing me. i scooted her off just in time to see her hyuk up a hairball. if i hadn't woke up and moved her, the damn thing would have landed right under my nose.
i'm finally going through my bills. i got a huge stack down to a stack that's current. i'll write out the checks later. 15 minutes at a time, right?
so this is the third day that i haven't gotten my periactin (for sleep and nightmares.) i finally asked regular nurse about it this morning and she said, off-handedly, oh, you must be out. i'll see if i can get you some more. the way she said it kind of ticked me off. like they were nothing. and she won't have them in the morning either because she comes to my house first and it'll be before she goes into the office where the meds would be delivered. and marsha can't give them to me tomorrow afternoon because she has a meeting and we changed our meeting time to wednesday. so i'll have to go two more nights without them.
tomorrow morning, i see the squid and then sean. sean was sick today. she gets sick more than anyone else i know. she didn't sound at all well. i feel guilty her asking how i'm doing when she doesn't feel well. but i guess that's her choice.
i think my oldest cat is getting hard of hearing. makes me not want to let her out. though with all the snow, she doesn't go far. and i hate to try to turn her into an indoor cat. she's been going out all her life. and she loves being out there in the warm weather.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:49 PM ::
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Saturday, December 17, 2005
thanks guys for the tips on changing the text color and size but i don't seem to have the same things on my thingie. maybe it's a Mac thing.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:21 PM ::
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I"M A BLOGGIN' FOOL!!!
i turned on the tv for the first time in months. to see the Patriots beat Tampa Bay 28-0. it was the first time i've seen a football game this year. typing in bed is not fun. i don't have enough pillows to prop myself up on so the laptop is next to me and my right hand is numb.
okay, potato is in the oven baking. first time i've used the oven so there's quite a gas smell, my nephew told me that would happen. it set off my smoke alarm. so i guess that warns of more than smoke. i ripped the battery out before everyone in the building ran out into the cold. and i opened the kitchen window a crack.
while my hand was numb, i ordered a winter coat from LLBean. i don't have a winter coat. i wore a barn jacket last year and it didn't do a lot to keep me warm.
i received my first package from Half.com. i had never shopped there before. sean gets loads of cds from there. no, all this shopping isn't getting my bills paid. i'm going to sort through them tomorrow and see who has resorted to threats.
i actually feel a bit better today. i'm not constantly crying. maybe that cymbalta is of some use afterall.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:40 PM ::
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okay, stupid question: how do you change the font color and size. i wrote the last post in another text application and pasted it in. but that didn't work. help me! i want to be colorful!!
Posted by Lisa ::
3:52 PM ::
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From Denise....
My 5 pet peeves:
1. when people throw their cigarette butts out their car windows.
2. people who refuse to turn the door knob therefore, always slamming the door. (the Roos)
3. people walking three wide on the sidewalk who refuse to move over, sending you wading into the snowbank.
4. sports announcers who have nothing to say but talk non-stop anyway.
5. when you visit people and they don’t at least turn the televison down.
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3:38 PM ::
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just came from the grocery store. it wasn't busy but people still managed to stand in the middle of the aisles.
my driveway is totally iced over. i fell into the driver's seat, fortunately not on my ass in the middle of the driveway.
when i got back, i parked out front, unloaded, then pulled into the driveway- where i still didn't fall on my ass, though it wasn't easy.
i got green food, turkey hotdogs, creamer, butter and some cat things and potatoes! I LOVE POTATOES!!! i got some so that i could bake them. even remembered to get some tin foil. i was pretty proud of myself for that. on the way home i stopped at the convenience store for some cigarettes and got more creamer. huh? i obviously have a short memory.
i keep thinking of my idiot real estate agent. must be the time of the year. he was woefully inadaquent. an idiot, like i said. good heart but an idiot nonetheless. he took things without asking. stuff from the attic. i still can't believe that he did that. stuff that i was saving. and i didn't say a word. now who's the idiot?
Posted by Lisa ::
1:06 PM ::
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is anyone besides me getting double comments from their posts. at first i thought i was just psychic but then i realized that i'd read it ten minutes before. what's up?
Posted by Lisa ::
5:00 AM ::
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Friday, December 16, 2005
HELP ME!!!
i can't stop posting. just ordered some poppers even though i have a salad in the fridge. but what is that compared to poppers?
poppers, i love thee
let me count the ways
they better all be cheddar. none of this cream cheese shit.
after my poppers, i'm going to take a nap, i think. or set up my dvd player and watch a movie. i've got two johnny depp movies. i think i should watch one of those. benny and joon, which is one of my all time favorites, and chocolat.
i'm not going to answer the phone unless it's my sister. i don't feel like "interacting" today. i slept most of the morning. it was nice not having a nurse come, or waiting around for one. she'll come in the morning.
i think if i get some lights up in here it will be better. christmas lights, i mean. that means making holes in the wall for the brads. the walls are so pristine, i hate to do it.
the sun is out now. what a weird day.
the weekend is going to be hard. perhaps i can just sleep through it.
damn, i really thought i had that "buddy" thing right.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:04 PM ::
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well, i was all set to pat myself on the back for adding Sam to my buddy list. then found out it didn't work. i did it just like the ones babs set up for me. but, alas, it doesn't appear. i am humbled by html.....
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2:58 PM ::
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okay, i'm back to confuse you more.
i put my car back in the driveway. this time making sure i was zipped and buttoned. even greeted my neighbors. not the Roos but the people in the house on the other side. usually i avoid having to speak with them at all costs. they're nice enough, i just don't do neighbors.
i just went to CNN website and saw what the storm did down south. 700,00 people without power. limbs down. looks awful. we were very lucky.
oh, the plow guy is out there sanding. what a good egg. the only thing, which i'm going to have to bring up at the next condo fest, is that he doesn't clean off the bulkheads. i've probably said that before. all of our breakers are down in one basement and if we can't get through the bulkhead we can't reset them if we have to. the unit is empty now, so there is no other way in.
and i'd like to eventually get my a/c down there. i guess for now, i could decorate it with christmas lights. or not.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:17 PM ::
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the weather....
it wasn't as bad as they forecasted. snow followed by rain, instead of freezing rain. i just cleaned my car off and i didn't even have to use the scraper end. just banged it with the brush end and it came off in sheets. H. taught me that trick. and it's actually kind of mild out. didn't freeze doing it.
however, the pants i have on are a little tight so i had been sitting here with the button undone and the fly down a little. well, i forgot and went out that way. of course, my neighbor had to pass me. that's when i realized that she could probably tell what color underwear i had on. d'oh! at least it wasn't talksalot, or everyone would know.
i slept in this morning. no nurse because of the weather. it was nice to not have to pop up at six-thirty. i was awake at six, but i went back to sleep after some iced coffee. then i awoke at eight-thirty to the last few bars of my phone ringing, didn't have time to answer it. it was sean. she left a message. said she'd try to call later. i'm still a little ticked at her for forgetting to call on wednesday. her message said that she couldn't go out because of the weather. i think it's more slippery walking than it is driving at this point. everything is just slush. except my front stairs. they had a nice coating of ice on top of the snow. i held onto the railing for dear life. i hate falling. especially in slush.
this time he did plow the my driveway instead of snowblowing it. so it should be down to the pavement.
my thoughts seem to be all over the place. so i''m going to go confuse myself instead of you.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:51 PM ::
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Thursday, December 15, 2005
blogger is moving a lot faster than it was earlier today.
my sister called in tears saying she couldn't make it to dinner. i asked her what was going on and she said she didn't know. she said if she stayed on the phone she'd just start bawling and not be able to talk, so i let her go, saying that if there was anything i could do to call me. always feels like such an impotent thing to say. but what else can you say?
i'm burning my honeydew candle, realizing that i should probably save it for tomorrow night in case the power goes out with the storm. aw hell, it's a big candle.
no nurse coming tomorrow morning. means i get to sleep in. though i probably won't be able to, i'm so used to getting up at six-thirty. i don't think there's been a nurse not coming since new year's last year. that's the day that i moved. thought it was a great way to start the new year. didn't turn out that way. i miss Hamp so much. i still only know two ways to get home from there. have no idea where anything beside the convenience stores and restaurants are. and the one coffee shop.
the squid called me today telling me that my insurance card wouldn't go through which means she couldn't see me. i called the insurance company, where i actually got a real person after a couple of rings and he said everything was fine. called the squid back and left her a message. she called back and i read her the number off my card and we decided that was the problem. she called the insurance company again and they said my information hadn't been updated and told her to call back tomorrow. i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do about the other places that take my insurance, the pharmacy, the visiting nurses, etc. i don't want to get these huge bills because something didn't go through right. money is enough of a worry without things getting screwed up.
speaking of money, i'm going to order poppers soon.
did i tell you that i have a heated toilet seat? the heater is right next to it. i was sure you'd want to know. lol.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:54 PM ::
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i'm drawing a blank.
sean was supposed to call yesterday afternoon to tell me whether or not she'd be in the office today. i never heard from her. and tomorrow is supposed to be this big ice and freezing rain "event." so i won't get to see her tomorrow. the nurse isn't even coming tomorrow. she set me up with tomorrow's pills today. and i gave her the bag of pills. none missing, none stowed away. it was hard for a while last night, having them all here. but i guess i'm stronger than i was a year ago. doesn't feel like it. feels like overall, i was doing better last year. last year, i didn't know how unhappy i would be living here.
anyway......supposed to go to dinner with my sister tonight. she was supposed to call this morning. i have a feeling that she's going to cancel on me. sounds like a job for poppers!
Posted by Lisa ::
1:39 PM ::
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Wednesday, December 14, 2005
i thought for a while before deciding whether to post or not. i'm not sure why i was hesitant.
i went to the pdoc today, early this morning. met sean there. icky, stern nurse was late so i was too. but fortunately the pdoc was later still so it was okay. though i'm sure sean was wondering where i was. apparently she was on time for a change.
the doc increased the cymbalta above the recommended guidelines and increased the geodon. she gave me free samples. thought for a while this afternoon that i was going to have call and have a nurse come take them away. taking them all just became so.....alluring. i thought about it for quite a while. didn't think of anyone else, not even the kitties, just thought about taking those pills. but i didn't. i went to bed instead. and now the allure has lessened. i can leave the bag alone until the nurse comes in the morning.
i don't know. i may not even post this. just had to get it out in some form.
it's supposed to get down to -12 degrees tonight. my car didn't really want to start this morning after a low of -10. but it did and i hope it does tomorrow. we're supposed to have a "winter event" friday. snow, sleet and freezing rain. sounds lovely....
glad that i won't have to clean it all up.
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7:57 PM ::
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it was -10 degrees when i got up this morning. by the time i left the house it was a balmy -4.
and it's not even officially winter yet....
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9:57 AM ::
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005
went to see the squid this morning. we talked about the whole case manager thing. i admitted that i'd miss marsha if i didn't see her. i felt like a little kid. i told her why i didn't want icky (formerly stern) nurse to be my case manager.
the nurse woke me up this morning. i managed to sleep through the night without waking up.after she left i sat on the couch and dozed, i woke up at quarter to nine. i was supposed to be at the squid's at nine. my car was all frosted over. i ended up being ten minutes late. she had a lollipop for me. if i see more than three squirrels she owes me a lollipop. and i did last week so i got a tootsie roll pop. didn't see any squirrels today, so i guess i'll have to provide my own treat next week.
i meet sean in about an hour. i tried to call to cancel but she wasn't in the office.
it's very cold out. i don't know what my pixie says but it's like 14 degrees. i have to get a coat. my nephew gave me gloves for my birthday. the cat threw up on them. seems like with the four of them, someone is always hurling.
if i don't blog for a few days, don't become worried. it just seems like everything takes so much energy. i may blog. i don'tknow.
Posted by Lisa ::
10:48 AM ::
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Monday, December 12, 2005
Babs posted on an interesting subject. "Cremation or Not"
i never thought about that when i was making out my will. and i'm not willing to pay the guy another 100 bucks to amend it.
i told H. that i wanted to be cremated but i've never told anyone else. now that he's out of my life i feel i should tell my sister, but how do you bring that up? in my case she would assume that i was making plans to kill myself. which i am not....at the moment anyway. and that's all i can take is one moment at a time. and my will. where should i put that? it's in a pile on the coffee table right now. people don't like it when you tape them onto your fridge. so where do you put it? my lawyer has the original. i have a copy but it states where the original is. where the hell do you put it? do you keep a big envelope next to your microwave that says, In case of death? i'm really looking for suggestions here. someplace where people are sure to find it. in the litterbox? it's important to me because i'm leaving my condo to my sister. i don't want it split between my sister and my brother, which is what would happen without a will. i don't want my brother getting anything. my sister is chosen to get the condo and all my assets.
so folks, where do you keep a will?
Posted by Lisa ::
9:14 PM ::
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so sean was half an hour late. her usual. she walked into a nearly dark house. i hate having lights on. she mentioned something about turning on a lamp. i said i had one in the corner but it wasn't plugged in. so she goes over, sprawls across the couch to reach it. plugs it in then can't figure out how to turn it on. i told her there was a switch on the cord and that if i was a nice person, i'd turn on the overhead light so that she could find it, but i was not a nice person so she'd just have to fumble in the dark. when she finally got it i saw all the dust on the table and on the lamp. how embarrassing.
we went off to coffee and i told her about icky nurse showing up and saying she was going to be my case manager. she said, you're kidding. i assured her that i would not joke about something like that. she asked if i wanted to talk to Margaret(the supervisor) and tell her that i had a problem with icky nurse. i said, no. she asked me if i wanted her to talk to Margaret. i said, no. i told her that i had spoken with marhsa and i'd be going to see her once a week but that icky nurse was going to come once a week anyway. she said, so marsha thinks this is all about you missing her, not your problem with icky nurse? and i wanted to say, most of it is. i would miss marsha terribly. but i was too embarrassed to say that.
on another note, did you know that there is a National Orgasm Day? i thought denise might be interested in knowing that. i forget when it is. i get trivia on my phone every morning and i got that at some point during the summer. have no idea what made me think of it now.
teressa is feeling down.maybe some of you folks could stop by her blog and leave some comments of support.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:24 PM ::
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i'm waiting for marsha to call me back to see if there is anything i can do to keep her as my case manager. i don't wait well. got my phone in my shirt pocket, so hopefully my breast will be ringing soon. (actually it plays the them to Sesame Street.)
sean is supposed to come at four. i didn't feel up to making the trip to downtown hamp when she called this morning. i don't feel much like going out now either.
i did go to the bank today to close out my savings account. i had a negative balance in my checking account. now, how, if you have overdraft protection from your savings, can you have a negative in your checking? i didn't ask the fellow that. i also switched my checking acct. from one that got interest but charged me five dollars a month to a free account with no interest. i don't get five dollars a month interest in the account so..... i don't know why no one ever told me about the option before.
marsha just called. she said the only reason that they were making the change was because she no longer case manages people in my town. i asked about going into the office once a week. to shorten the story, that's what i'm going to do but i'll still have to see stern nurse once a week. at least she doesn't come in, talk about her life and leave without asking how i am. or asking as she's going out the door. knowing that i'm going to have to pay about 700 dollars to them for while my insurance was gone makes me a bit resentful that that's what i'll be paying for. her first question in the door should be how i am, not an afterthought. i'm not relieved yet. maybe after i see marsha tomorrow afternoon, i'll be relieved. i was ready to get rid of the nurses altogether. take control of my own meds if they were going to stick me with icky nurse. i just wouldn't have been able to take it.
now it's about time for sean to be here. i imagine she'll be late as usual. that's all right. it screws with my head when she's on time anyway. the last time she was on time was after i'd gotten my 16 stitches and i was walking around in short sleeves with my arms all bandaged up. i didn't expect her to actually show up when she said she was going to so i didn't have a long sleeved shirt over my t-shirt. and i was embarrassed by the overly dressed wounds. it made it look like i'd tried to chop my arm off.
i just feel like marsha is going to change her mind. i guess that's why i'm not relieved. but she said that we could do it this way, so i have to trust.
the cat wants another dinner. she insisted on eating early and obviously didn't get enough before going outside. she trusts that it'll still be there when she comes back in, but one of the other cats was hungry too and ate it all. just sitting around waiting for her to puke on the furniture.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:12 PM ::
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yep, i wish i'd gotten a gas fireplace when i moved in. they have the kind that don't need venting. and they throw out a lot of heat. it's comfortable in here but i'd like to stare into it. much like Babs staring at the wall, i guess. the only drawback of a gas fireplace is that the flame is always the same. it doesn't dance around like a wood fireplace. which makes it even more like staring at the wall. the last time i was around a fireplace was up at H's dad's a couple of years ago. i miss that fireplace. i lived in an apt. that had a fireplace once. it heated the entire apt.forget cooking while it was going. you'd pass out. i used to like to make corn chowder when i lived there. nothing like some good choweder and fresh italian bread while you're curled up in front of the fireplace. the cats loved it. we (my then boyfriend N.) had a long haired double-pawed white and black cat. kind of looked like a Holstein. she used to love to stretch out in front of the fireplace. and N. brought Boo home then. she used to curl up in front of it. i got ticked off at N. for bringing home another cat without so much as a phone call to discuss it, but i got over it quickly. she was sweet from the beginning. fortunately it was fall because she liked to crawl up the back of my legs and my back to sit on my shoulder while i was doing the dishes. i guess a lot of kittens do that. all i know is that it hurt like hell with those tiny little fine-pointed little claws.
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1:52 AM ::
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Sunday, December 11, 2005
slept almost all day. without meds. just took my 4 o'clock meds now.
this morning, stern nurse wanted to know why i got so upset yesterday. i told her that i didn't want to talk about it right then. i hope i didn't hurt her feelings. just because she can be a weinie doesn't mean that i want to hurt her feeling. she asked if i wanted to wait and talk to marsha and i said yes. she didn't stick around much after that.
i think i'm going to have to tattle on regular nurse. she thinks i'm fine when i'm not because she's always talking about her kids or her own stuff and sometimes leaves without asking me how i am. part of it is my fault for not speaking up. maybe most of it is my fault. i don't know.
hurt my back shoveling my car out on friday. it's only a muscle but it's driving me nuts. whenever i bend over, it screams, don't do that!
the whole neighborhood is decorated with christmas lights. some look very nice, others.....well, not so nice. i hate the lit up reindeer. they look stupid. like they've been hit by a car.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:34 AM ::
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i woke at 4:30, couldn't go back to sleep. so now i'm up and showered and have disturbed three of the cats who are up with me. i think Boo sleeps on the futon on the third floor, so she wasn't bothered.
at least stern nurse won't tell me to take a shower. i just want to crawl back into bed and hide in there. but i have to wait at least until the nurse comes to do that. i hope she comes on the early side. i'm kind of embarrassed to see her after being so emotional on the phone yesterday.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:46 AM ::
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Saturday, December 10, 2005
the nighttime hasn't been good to me lately. all of these thoughts come rushing at me. and sometimes they're too much to take. i don't know why i can't just die in my sleep. just not wake up one morning. i've already taken my pm meds. they don't seem to be doing much. i can't stay lying down and i'm not getting sleepy. i just want to go to sleep and get away from everything. i guess i'll try again to lie down.
chuck is racing around like an idiot.
Posted by Lisa ::
10:15 PM ::
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i had some nice dream-free marshamallow. i guess i got so upset this morning, it made me tired. i'm still upset but more worried instead of devastated. i trust things will work out with the nurses. at least, i think i trust it. it's hard to trust anything sometimes.
i've had my two glasses of iced coffee, now i'm ready to go back to sleep. but i'm going to try staying up instead. the idea of a pizza sounds good. i'm not hungry now but i will be later.
i was really lazy using my asthma meds yesterday and i woke up about one am having a hard time breathing. i used my rescue inhaler and it seemed to take forever for it to work.but it finally did and i went back to sleep.
i keep having variations on the same dream. in it, i'm trying to find my mother a place to live because i sold the house. lots of guilt there for selling it, i guess. on the first of january, i'll have been here one year. i wonder when the dreams will stop.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:35 PM ::
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thank you for all your good wishes and emails. they mean a lot to me.
this morning sucked. stern nurse came and told me that she was taking over as my case manager. i kept it together while she was here and as soon as she left i burst into tears. i finally called and asked to speak to the nurse on call. she called back pretty quickly and i was still crying and i asked her if i resumed going into the office on tuesday afternoon if marsha could still be my case manager. she said, is that what you're crying about? don't worry about it. i'll talk to marsha on monday and we'll work something out. your really attached to marsha, huh? i admitted that i was, something i wouldn't usually do in the real world. i couldn't stop crying and she just kept saying that she'd talk with marsha on monday. she told me to put it out of my mind, that we'd work something out. i finally said good bye.
maybe it'll be as easy as going into the office once a week. i hope so. i can't take losing marsha. not right now, anyway.
damn, i'm crying about it all over again. i just have to trust that it's going to work out. i'm inpatient. i want it worked out now.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:04 AM ::
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Friday, December 09, 2005
i am really suicidal tonight. don't have any pills on hand but the thought of cutting my wrists while in the bathtub (to avoid a mess) keeps going through my mind. i can't seem to get rid of the thought. i need something to distract me. shoveling did it earlier. i suppose i could hop on my exercise bike and maybe that would do the trick. i don't know.
i just ordered a cheeseburger. no poppers because last time they gave me half with cheddar cheese and half with cream cheese. yuck! even though i told them i wanted them with cheddar.
i can't believe that sean forgot to call me all day. that certainly doesn't add to my mood. and now the weekend begins. the hardest time for me.
i'm sick of the nurses coming. but i don't know that having them not come is a great idea. especially when i feel like this. if i had the pills here, i think i'd down every one of them.
damn this bra strap. the other ones don't fall down. why does this one? i don't think it's me who's crooked i think it's this damned bra. one strap longer than the other.
i'm not going to do anything about my suicidal ideations. right now, my kitties and their fate worry me more than my sister's reaction. that sounds cold. without me, my sister would have no family. my brother doesn't count cause neither of us can forgive what he did growing up. i wish his 7 year old son could just appear without his parents. i got him some Lego's for christmas. he loves legos. i'll mail them out to him. because i don't want to see either of his parents. and i guess i'll have to put a return address on the package. my brother doesn't know where i live. and i'd prefer to keep it that way, but whatcha goin' to do?
okay, i've taken up enough cyberspace.....
Posted by Lisa ::
6:29 PM ::
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i just got an email that my AdSense account was disabled. i haven't been clicking on my own ads. WTF? nevermore, they say. i thought that would be good to keep me in cigarettes and now it's gone. damn.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:33 PM ::
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Corona secured, plus cigarettes. realized the snow is up to my knees so it is more than 8 inches. now the sun is out.
slid around quite a bit even though i didn't have far to go. the plows in this town don't do a very good job. every intersection was mush.
still thinking about my sister.
our plow guy hasn't come yet. i'll be glad when i have a nicely plowed driveway. i'm parked on the street and afraid someone is going to slide into me.
ducklady walks even funnier in the snow.
got my check from the credit card company. now i can pay some bills.
it doesn't seem like close to christmas. i have most of my gifts bought. i have a christmas card that i haven't opened in three days. just don't want it to come, i guess. i'll be alone.
marsha called yesterday but i was out with sean and didn't hear the phone. she asked me to call her when i got a minute. she doesn't seem willing to come out here one day a week. i didn't call her back. if all we're going to have from now on is phone contact, i don't like it much. oh man, the cat just farted. three in the room, don't know who to blame it on.
though it is easier for me to talk on the phone than face to face. i'd still rather see marsha once a week than not at all. she just doesn't like going out of town. but she said she would still be my case manager when i moved out here. and that means visits. i don't know. i don't know what to think.
i'm still really depressed. i can't help but think that if my sister reconciles with her boyfriend, that would give me license to do myself in. i'm so tired of being nothing. being a loser. not much future to look forward to. okay, now i'm depressing myself more, if that's possible.
i'm going to shut up now.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:01 PM ::
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4 inches my arse. i just came in from shoveling out my car. we have at least 8, maybe 10 inches of snow. i'm not a good judge. i pulled my car out and backed it back in just to make sure that i was going to be able to get out of the driveway. it's finally stopped snowing. and they actually plowed our street!
regular nurse comes this morning and says, i love the snow. this is from a woman who has to drive around half the day in it. i told her she was nuts and offered her some of my meds.
other news of the day: i just got an email from my sister saying that the man she's living with has decided that he wants to go slow and try to work things out. she said she was prepared to hear whatever i had to say. needless to say, i certainly have thoughts about that. i dare not write back to her right now. heaven knows what would come out of my mouth. must gather my thoughts.
sean was supposed to call this morning but she never did. she may not have gone into work, though the snow didn't really get heavy til late morning. but still, she said she'd call. and i counted on that. i trust she didn't get run over by a snowblower.
fucking fucktard. (sorry my sister's email just popped into my head again.)
stern nurse is on this weekend. damn, she was on last weekend. i really hate it when she comes. even if she doesn't say anything about cleaning off my coffee table i spend the whole time she's here worried about what she's going to say. and i'll be meek and say, yeah, i know, instead of saying, find something else to obsess about witch! hrmphh.
i don't know. i think this whole day calls for a six-pack of Corona.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:32 PM ::
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Thursday, December 08, 2005
fucking 4-10 inches. the amount of snow forecast for from 3am tomorrow through the afternoon. shit. maybe the fucktards are wrong. that's an awful large gap: 4-10. i'm obviously hoping for the fucking four. i backed my car into the driveway and left just a little space between the car and road. less shoveling out of the car i'll have to do. the guy can't plow my fuckin' driveway if i can't get the car out.
i went to the convenience store and got cat food, cigarettes and bread. and bathroom tissue. i have easymac in the cupboard and rot dogs in the fridge. didn't go for the milk and white bread thing.
today is a beautiful day. kind of warm out, sunny.
sean came this noon to do the trash. we went to the coffee place and guess who came in? i'm whispering to sean, the squid. and she's saying, what? and i'm wispering, the squid, the squid, that's the squid. and yes, her hair was sticking up in the front. i don't think she saw me. and goodness knows i hope she didn't hear me saying, the squid. i guess if sean could barely hear me, there was no chance that the squid could.
sean and i didn't make a time for tomorrow because of the expected snow-in. but she said she'd call in the morning, maybe it wouldn't be too bad.
i hope they plow our fuckin' street. they seem to forget that it exists.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:19 PM ::
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Wednesday, December 07, 2005
okay so maybe taking all of my pills and going to bed at seven was not the best idea. woke at two and here i am.
i can't begin to tell you how much warmer it is in here with the a/c on the floor rather than in the window.
i once worked at a hardware store and we got a service call on an a/c. she said it wasn't working. the service man called her back and it turned out she had it on the kitchen table. no fooling. she must have felt like an idiot.
i think the reason that i couldn't get back to sleep was because i have a pdoc appt. today. i hate going. though it's getting easier, because i'm going once a week.
•several hours later•
i went back to bed after the nurse left and slept til noon. i'd love to still be hiding in sleep. but i had to get up and shower and allow for time for my hair to dry before going out to meet sean. my hair takes forever to dry. i don't know why. i do have a blow dryer but damned if i know where it is. i think it might be in the trunk of my car.
i have phone calls to make but i'm putting them off. i decided the phone needed charging. that was the perfect excuse.
•a few more hours later•
just came back from the pdoc. i'm on 75mg of effexor every other day for the next week, then none. she increased my geodon cause i'm still having a problem with voices and she increased the lamictal. i have another appt. next week.
the cat seriously does not want me typing right now.
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4:30 AM ::
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Tuesday, December 06, 2005
i'm about jumping out of my skin. that's what i get for trying to go without my prns.
i cancelled on Mr. draws-on-his-sideburns. left a voice mail that i'd call him tomorrow to reschedule.
i finally dug out the rescue remedy. i honestly didn't think it would do much good but i was inpatient for the meds to kick in. shortly after taking it, my shoulders and back were sore as hell. that meant that they were relaxing. i don't know if it was the meds kicking in or the drop of the remedy. i'm feeling less anxious and uncomfortable. i guess the klonopin and seroquel are starting to work. frankly i don't know what's working. but something is to an extent.
tomorrow i have my pdoc appt. she'll discontinue the effexor and i don't know what else she'll do. but instead of feeling better on this cymbalta, i'm feeling worse. more depressed, easily angered, my world revolves around when i can sleep.
saw the squid this morning. she'd changed her whole office around. don't they know that they shouldn't do that to patients. messes us all up. we talked about suicide a little. then she asked if she was pushing too much and i said yes. so she said she'd back off. which she did. i don't trust to talk to anyone about that who is in a position to "put me away." we talked about her plants way too much. i wish she had pansies like Babs is going to get. now that would spruce up her office. i saw four squirrels out the window which means that she owes me a lollipop. anything over three and i'm entitled to a dum-dum. obviously this is not hard core therapy.
i met sean and we talked little. one of my cafe hobbies is taking the little stirring sticks and bending them and then taking a piece of her Splenda package and rolling it into a ball and trying to catapult it into her coffee. my aim was off today and it stuck to her lip. she's very good-natured about the whole thing.
definitely calmer now. i need a cigarette....
Posted by Lisa ::
3:32 PM ::
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i'm typing this through tears, so please excuse the typos, i can't see what the hell i'm doing.
i don't know how much longer i can take the depression at this level. where the hell did i put that rescue remedy?
it's all getting to be too hard. just being awakw is hard. everything just seems so sad.
aw fuck it. maybe i'll eb able to go to sleep soon.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:50 AM ::
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i keep forgetting that i have to go see the squid in the morning. damn. i've like this last month of not seeing her. not going into that weird little office that makes my eyes water. something in the duct work apparently. supposed to get it cleaned out.
i don't want to go back.
i have a pdoc appt. on wednesday. i don't want to go to that either. i don't want to go anywhere. now, especially because it's comfortable in here. it's amazing how much warmer it is without that damned a/c in the window.
tomorrow i have an appt. with my DMH worker- the one who draws on his sideburns.
i wish i was asleep but i took a nap earlier and now i'm awake.
that ECT therapy starts to look good on nights like this. wonder what i'd be like if i wasn't always fighting and often losing this battle with depression....
Posted by Lisa ::
1:12 AM ::
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Monday, December 05, 2005
what is up with blogger? i can't get anyone's blogs to come up. the browser just keeps churning and churning and nothing comes up.
i'm really having a hard time here and would like to read blogs.
i'm taking my meds, all of them. not hoarding them but i feel like shit.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:53 PM ::
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don't really have a lot to say. the last few days have been very hard. i find myself bursting into tears without warning. i was okay while i was with sean and i'm so happy to have that air conditioner out of the window. even if it is the size of a volkswagon taking up room in the living room. it's nice without that constant draft. i may very well turn up the thermostat to above 60.
sean gave me something called "rescue remedy." anyone ever heard of it? it's made from flowers. but it also has 27% alcohol in it. you put a drop under you tongue and it's supposed to make you chill out. i used it before years ago. i figure i'll try it for a couple of days and then give it back to her. i know that it's expensive. it's funny, the two people who have recommended it talked about the fact that it was homeopathic but never mention the alcohol content.
i really wish that this site had a dependable way of knowing when your "buddies" create a new post.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:42 PM ::
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sean is a gem. not only did she come up here because i didn't feel up to going into town, but she helped me take the air conditioner out of the window. it's plopped on the floor in front of the window right now. but it sure is a lot warmer in here.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:05 PM ::
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one of the fish that i bought for the frog to eat is still kicking around. i've started calling him Porkchop.
i woke up at four. but since i went to bed at seven, that was plenty of sleep. at least it was warm in the bedroom last night. i'd love to crawl back under my comforter, but i'd never wake for the six-thirty alarm.
i've been thinking so much about the house and how i miss it. living here just isn't the same. i was hammering my bad of stuck together ice at four-ten, oblivious and uncaring that my neighbors, the Roos might be awakened and wonder what the hell i was hammering at that hour. i think i worry about being too loud all the time. obviously i wasn't worried about it then. i wanted my iced coffee and i did what i had to to get it.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:24 AM ::
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Sunday, December 04, 2005
now it's just flurrying out. i think we got most of the snow that we're going to get. which isn't too much. the guy across the street (duckman) shovelled instead of snow blowing. though it looks like heavy snow.
i was sitting here freezing when i realized that cold water was perhaps not the best thing to be drinking to warm me up. so out came the tea.
AND I WANT THE DAMNED A/C OUT OF THE WINDOW!!! sean said we could probably get it out okay but the trick would be getting it down to the basement. my nephews aren't going to come without a lot of hen-pecking, which i'm not willing to do. and i was shy about asking sean if a couple of guys from the office could take it out. it should be toasty warm in here like it was last winter. i can feel a breeze on my hands, for goodness sake. (complain, complain, complain) forgive me...
i figured out what to get sean for christmas. i wanted to get her a little something. so i decided on a few of those little wind- up toys.you know the kind, they walk across the table, or clash their cymbals or do flips. a little something fun for her desk. though i've seen her desk and it'll probably be a challenge finding a place to put them. but i figure they might be a fun little thing for her. they have a store in downtown Hamp that has a bunch of different ones.
i was sitting here figuring i ought to shovel, when, hark! i heard a snowblower. i looked and it was us! all i had to do was clean my car off and move it into the street so that he could clear my driveway. buggars, the cold makes my chest hurt.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:16 PM ::
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it's fucking cold and snowing here. why do i live here again?
i didn't have stern nurse this weekend. i was prepared for her but i had one of the nurses i like better instead. nice surprise.
i feel stupid posting about trivial things when Barb is going through hell. on the other hand, i count on posting to rid of things that i'm thinking about.
now it's snowing fucking harder. we're not supposed to get too much but if it keeps up like this we'll get a foot.
a woman just walked by with two greyhounds on leashes. one of them had a coat on. i feel sorry for those dogs. i'm very much against dog racing. can't stand the thought of it. it's always nice to see people have the retired ones as pets. my mother wanted on for a while but she wasn't well enough to walk it or anything, so it would have been my job to take care of it and that thought didn't thrill me. i like dogs but i didn't want all the responsibility. i preferred the cats. i wish she could have had a dog. if she wanted a smaller one, i think i could have dealt with it. but picking up greyhound poop was not on my list of wants. and knowing that the dog would have been mine once she passed was not sounding so swell to me either. i know H. would have hated it. his father's dogs (little ones) feel the need to piss all over the house. and he assumed every dog was like that.
did i tell you that my sister hit a deer? she drives a sports car, low to the ground and her front end is all messed up and driver's side rear view mirror is gone. her headlights are all messed up so she can't drive after dark. i think she's getting it fixed this week. i didn't ask about the deer. yeah, i told you this before. i'm scatter-brained lately. get up then realize i don't know what i got up for.
hey babs, do you have trouble getting the effexor down? i take a handful of pills in the morning and that's always the one that gets stuck and apparently breaks in half. tastes terrible. it seems to be stickier than the other capsules. i'll only be on it for a few more days. the other day i hiccuped after taking my meds and all this powder came streaming out of my mouth, followed by the bad taste. it would have been funny if it hasn't tasted so awful..
Posted by Lisa ::
7:56 AM ::
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Saturday, December 03, 2005
it's amazing how different my day is when people are not posting. a few are but i think most everyone else is in shock over Barb's loss, or choosing not to post out of respect. i was going to do that but i can't. i count on all my friends here and i wonder what kind of a day they're having, what they're up to. how they're feeling. of course everyone is sad and shocked, and feeling for Barb.
it's supposed to fucking snow tomorrow. that explains the guy outside fussing with his snow blower.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:49 PM ::
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Friday, December 02, 2005
i just got word a little bit ago that Barb's (tooneselfbtru.blogspot.com)daughter killed herself. it makes all my struggles feel pretty small. i go about day to day, thinking about it sometimes......worried about the people i'd leave behind. and how they would feel. that's all that keeps me going some days is worrying how my sister would deal with it.
please, everyone, leave a comment on her blog. show your support. anything you say will be appreciated, i'm sure.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:16 PM ::
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so yesterday, i call and ask for a check from the credit card company. and today i get one made out to me and a blank one. without the intital 3% interest. that figures. at least i'll be able to pay my property taxes earlier with the blank check.
i also got two things from SS. one stating that they had denied the request for a clearance on cymbalta and one saying they had approved it. both dated the same day. no wonder i can never keep up with what's going on.
it's cold here tonight. supposed to stay cold for the next week.
i wish i was meeting sean tomorrow. she was telling me today how when she was a kid, she used to take ashes(from a very small fireplace that santa could no way fit down) and leave a trail to the tree and back so her little sister could see. i thought that was so sweet. i told her how i used to wrap all the gifts including the ones meant for me. i think her story was better.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:03 PM ::
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when she came yesterday, sean said that she thought we could get the a/c out of window but the trick would be getting it down to the basement. and the way she looked, i wouldn't have let her pick up a feather. i didn't work up the courage to ask if a couple of guys from the office could handle it. i'm sure i'll be sorry in the upcoming week. night lows in the twenties and teens. it's cold in here tonight. i keep getting up and walking around. i don't want to turn the heat up cause i don't want to have to pay the extra on the gas bill.
at least with the blank check they sent me and the advance check that they're sending made out to me i'll be able to cover my bills. and monday i'll call the guy from social security. hopefully get that set back up. did i already say all this? i'm a little scatter-brained this evening.
i don't seem to be seeing marsha anymore. this was the first full week that i've gone without going to the office and she didn't come any of the mornings that she works. i hope that's not the way it's going to be. i miss her. there's a store downtown where i'm going to get her some striped socks. she always wears striped socks. like a little short haired pippi longstocking. did i say that before too? it must be fumes from the litter box that i still haven't taken care of. i was going to do it an hour ago, but.....well, i didn't. i have to do it before i go to bed. or stern nurse will come in the morning telling me it smells like cat in here. that's not the only reason. i want the cats to be comfortable and not pass out while they're in there.
d'oh, just remembered my four o'clock pills. i swear if someone is not dumping them into my hands, i space.
okay, that's enough shit to share now. thanks for tuning in.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:09 PM ::
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well my mood changed in an instant. i can't stand it when that happens. the cat jumped up on the keyboard one too many times and i shooed her off and belted myself in the eye. totally frustrated. the cat just wanted attention (actually, it turned out she wanted some more cream). i wouldn't normally admit to punching myself in the eye but i've kind of gotten to the point where i don't care what people think anymore. well, there are a few people, but not the majority. everyone's going through a hard time in some way or another. i wish that i could help, but i can't even help myself.
now's the time that i should get on the exercise bicycle. with all of this negative energy. but do I? no, of course not.
reading chatty's blog from yesterday reminded me of something. she was talking about how her sister has down's syndrome. and i thought of my first job. cleaning in a nursing home. sometimes i had to do the peds ward and i just couldn't take it. all of these poor children. one with an enormous head that she kept banging against the slats of the crib. and an older patient, whom they put in a room all by himself when he was out of control. they could see in but he couldn't see out. watching him go through fits of intense anger....the whole job was depressing. which was the last thing i needed. i tried to stick it out but ended up quitting. there was this one guy there who was always in a geri-chair who played with this little rubber lizard. but he'd grab your ass if you gave him half a chance. and there was this woman, who, if you got too close would just slug you. or she'd grab hold of your mop and try to hit you with it. yep, it was very depressing. not a good first job.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:36 PM ::
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it tasted like cofffee!! really it did!!! this place that we've been going to for so long and the coffee has steadily declined, well today they got their reputation back.
sean said that she felt much better today. she looked better. and talked more. i like it when she tells me stories of her growing up and when her kids were small. she was so cute the other day. i told her that i'd been listening to The Duhks (a couple cds that she loaned me that i put on my puter.) and she says, what? from the pond? and i just started to laugh. then she got it, and said, shut-up!
i stopped at the grocery on the way back to get some much needed cat litter. i got green good and weiners and easymac too. didn't think to look for poppers. i saw one of the nurses from West 5 (the psych ward) but she didn't see me. she was one of the really nice ones. that's the second time i've seen someone from that floor in there. and managed to avoid them both. Hah! don't want to be reminded. of course, the other one i saw was one of the counsellors whom i told to fuck off the last time i was in there.....
got my new insurance card in the mail yesterday. that was a relief.
i'll post more later, as i'm feeling gabby. now to tackle the litterbox.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:25 PM ::
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Thursday, December 01, 2005
don't have much to say this morning.
did go to dinner with my sister yesterday. the food wasn't as good as it was last time. kind of a disappointment.
chuck is going crazy. running amok. she's driving me nuts.
i had to take a loan against my credit card so that i can pay the property taxes. i haven't yet called back the guy from social security. just seems like too much. hopefully sean is feeling better today. we're supposed to meet in an hour and i haven't heard from her so i'm assuming that she's feeling better.
they called off the awful snowstorm for monday. thank goodness. looks like it may come later in the week, though.
blah, blah, blah, blah......i've nothing to say :)
Posted by Lisa ::
3:43 PM ::
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just came back from coffee with the sean. i asked her how she was feeling. she said she wasn't in the office today. what a sweetie for coming out anyway. she didn't look like she felt all that well. but we made a time for tomorrow.
hopefully i'm going out with my sister tonight. i haven't heard from her yet.
i don't feel too good. i think sean gave me cooties the other day.
we're supposed to get a lot of snow on monday. crap! i hate it when it snows a lot.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:07 PM ::
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