called my sister to see if she wanted to go get prime rib tomorrow. since neither of us have any money, i thought it was a good idea. she was still working and had a call on her other phone so i asked her to call me back. so what if the waitresses get tired of seeing us? i leave them a good tip. my basic is twenty percent. more if they're really nice. i know they depend on their tips, but if a waitress is snotty or scatter-brained, i only leave them the twenty percent. damned sun is still out. blue sky with puffy clouds. i'm sure there's a more technical term that puffy, but i don't care. my sister just called back. we're going for prime rib tomorrow. and potatoes. i love potatoes!!!!!!!! i think i could eat potatoes every day. and she said that the jackass was off from work tomorrow so it would be a good time to go. i even said to her on the phone, "he's such an asshole." couldn't control myself. duck lady just came home. i see no reason why she should walk like a duck. she's not over weight. i just don't understand it. and mr. duck lady does the same thing. must be something, some evil spirit in the house that makes them do that. i'm not going to walk on the sidewalk in front of their house. don't want to catch it.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:39 PM ::
8 comments
so i think i'm just going to keep posting until my head explodes. i don't know what the fuck i'm going to do. took the visions of poppers out of my head, that's for sure. i have to trust that it will all work out somehow. yeah, but how? anyway, i have to believe that. that they're not going to turn off my gas, my form of heat. and the next thing is the electricity, then the modem, my link to the world. don't know what i'd do without my modem. fall into a terrible depression probably. really. worse than the depression now. i have to clean my fucking house. i still have a fan up here. time for it to spend the winter in the basement. i packaged all my recyclable paper into plastic bags for sean to take. of course, it took most of it falling on the floor for me to do it. and i found some bras underneath which i'd forgotten that i ordered. much needed. as all of the ones that i've been wearing, have the left strap slipping down and driving me crazy. the fucking sun is out. did i say that already or was that in an email i sent? i don't know. i don't care. if you can't deal with me repeating myself, then just buggar off. (meant in the nicest way)
Posted by Lisa ::
2:02 PM ::
2 comments
just got off the phone with social security. he's asking for receipts for all the things that i bought. "proof of the spend down" just great. i don't know where any of the receipts are. i figured with the furniture, it's not like i was going to return it so i didn't keep the receipt. and the washer and dryer, stove and refrigerator, the stores would have records of the purchase so i didn't worry about those receipts. i don't know what is going to happen. i only know that i have more in bills than i have in cash. damn, i should have made the call more than a month ago. what the fuck am i going to do?? i'll have to talk to sean about it tomorrow and see if she has any ideas. in the meantime i'll be searching for receipts like a squirrel trying to find it's nuts. er make that some nuts. i was hoping to get back on ssi the beginning of december. of course, when i called to report the sale of the house, he told me only that if i was eligible before december, i wouldn't have to file all over again, didn't say anything about saving receipts. FUCK!
Posted by Lisa ::
1:52 PM ::
1 comments
well, sean was supposed to be here at eleven. she called at ten of 12 and said that she was home sick today. it ticked me off. i hate it when she does that. she could have called earlier so that i wasn't sitting around waiting for her to show up. but i can't stay mad at her. i'm over it already. we made a time for her to come up here tomorrow. poppers are calling me, it's awful! will i ever be free of them???? why couldn't i be addicted to something cheaper? like, say, uncooked spaghetti? fast and easy. i think i'm going ask sean to come grocery shopping with me next week. i have an old salad and most of a pumpkin pie (which my nephew made from scratch and i mean from scratch-no canned pumpkin). i should have gotten some bread when i went to the convenience store for over-priced cat food. i'm so pleased with myself. i thought of something to get my nephew's girlfriend for christmas. a victoria's secret gift card. got to do the whole thing on line and they're going to mail it to me. yep, very pleased with myself. all i have left is to get my sister's gift and i know what i'm getting her. though i feel odd about it because i know that she can't afford to give gifts this year. she was talking about giving a Lowe's card she has to her son and his girlfriend because they're always fixing up the house. and she was talking about using gift cards that she has from Barnes and Noble to purchase newer gift cards. i feel really bad for her. she shouldn't be giving things that she's going to need so that she can give gifts. i don't know if jackass is not paying his share of the bills or if she's saving her money or what. it's happened before that when he was in one of his moods that he kep his paycheck, uncashed. but kept it away so that she had to try to pay the mortgage and all the ulities all by herself. fucktard. i told her when we were on the phone last night, that i'd come pick her up but i'd just beep if he was there cause i couldn't guarantee that i wouldn't say something nasty. nobody messes with my sister and totally escapes my wrath. i've only been nice to him for the last 15 plus years because she cared about him. i've never liked him. especially when she'd talk about things that he's done to hurt her. i've had as little conversation with him as possible. though he did help when i moved. he was nice that day. drove the uhaul and everything. i don't think we could have done it without him. and i would have been stuck driving the truck. which i've done in the past and i hate. he could be nice when he wasn't moody. but god, look out for his moods. i'm so glad that she's going to get away from him. she didn't talk about the whole thing that much last night.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:36 PM ::
4 comments
sean is due here anytime. but i'm sure she'll be late as usual. got my trash ready to be taken out and it's not raining at the moment. it's nice to see all the snow gone. bah-humbug! let it not snow again until christmas eve. and then never after that. people have their christmas lights all over their houses. some are beautiful, some, well, how do i put this? some.....suck. no taste whatsoever. like they just flung them out there from their front door, tangled and all. so i went to dinner with my sister last night and it was okay. she wasn't as upset as she was last time. we joked about having the asshole taken out before he could change the beneficiary on his life insurance. except i wasn't joking. if i had the means, god knows what i would do. he told her that he was interested in a woman at work but that she shot him down. why would he tell her that except to hurt her. he really is an asshole. now he says it's uncomfortable to be at work.. why the poor little son of a bitch. he really is an asshole. did i say that already? well, it bears repeating. at least five or six times. but i'll spare you. my sister and i both had lasagne last night. it was good but they give you an awful lot. of course, they charge for an awful lot so i guess it works out. it was buy one italian dish, get one free. so we ate pretty cheaply. then i was dropping her off and i didn't pull into the driveway cause it's like two inches deeper than the road, at least. and i bottomed out when i went to pull out after picking her up. so i was making a three point turn in the road and a car/truck came up and sat right behind/ aside of me like he just couldn't wait. blinding me with his headlights. the kind of thing a jerk would do. i hate that. one time i went down a one way street, obviously not knowing it was a one way street. i was keeping to the right and a truck pulled up right in front of me so that i couldn't move. okay, jackass, you made your point. it was dark, which was why i didn't see the one way sign. then my friend says, this is a one way street. it's like, gee, you think you might have told me when i first turned onto it???
Posted by Lisa ::
11:02 AM ::
2 comments
it's so windy here i'm afraid the cats are flying around out there. but they insist on going out because it's warmer today. and it's good for them because we're supposed to have rain forever starting tomrrow. my sister called to see if i still wanted to go to dinner. she was going to walk the dogs. she said i might have to pick her up if it's too foggy. i can't see any better in the fog and dark than she can. after dark, in an area with no streetlights, i'm just winging it. need new glasses which doesn't help. haven't taken a nap today. that must be what's wrong with me. i need my naps. that means i'll probably go to bed early.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:04 PM ::
3 comments
one of the cats keeps insisting on sitting on the keyboard and it's driving me crazy! i know she justs wants attention but why does she have to want it when i'm doing something? stupid question. she's a cat. a couple of people asked what ECT was. it stands for electro-convulsive therapy. they basically make you have a seizure and it effects the part of the brain where depression comes from, hopefully getting rid of the depression. after several "treatments." i'm trying to imagine what it would be like without depression. i've had it since i was a little kid, 6 or 7. i've never known life completely free of it. and i think if ECT could do this, it would be worth it. i had a doc suggest it over ten years ago and thought he was an idiot. i thought, how barbaric. but it's changed a lot since then. i don't know. i'm getting desperate here. i'm either alseep or crying. though i manage to hold it together when i'm with other people.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:42 PM ::
6 comments
so i'm keeping this secret blog. and it's helping. things i never would be able to say to the masses, i can say there. i find that i don't keep up with my journal anymore, i just stick everything in here. the strangest thing happened over the weekend. i got a card from my friend susan. that's not strange. but when i took it out of the envelope, 50 dollars fell out. i must have had a really stupid look on my face. i checked to make sure that it was really from susan. she's a wonderful person. i worry about her sometimes because she doesn't have faith in her right to have her own feelings. anyway, this 50 bucks lays on the floor and i read the card. i knew that i was complaining about money in my posts but i guess i didn't realize how much. i wrote her an email, thanking her but telling her that i couldn't accept it. she's not exactly floating in money these days. it would help out a lot, but i just wouldn't feel right taking it. i'm having dinner with my sister this evening. i hope it's not as depressing as it was last time. i'm not sure i could take it. she said that she had things to tell me when dumbass wasn't around. she's actually supposed to call me anytime now to firm up the plans. i hope that she doesn't cancel on me.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:12 PM ::
1 comments
well i went to the pdoc today, this afternoon. and she asked me all kinds of questions. some of which sean piped in to answer. not trusting me to be forthcoming. she's reducing the effexor and next week, she'll probably discontitue it all together. since she started the cymbalta, she thinks i have too much something or other in my brain and it will help with my concentration and make me less agitated. i'm going to dinner with my sister tomrrow night. i think that's a good thing, but it may very well leave me depressed. but she's my sister and i'm sticking by her. i told her tonight on the phone that if she ever felt like she just couldn't stand it there she was welcome to spend the night at my house. but she said she'd be worried about leaving the boys (her dogs.) jackass isn't willing to take care of the one who worships him. so she'll have both her dogs when she moves out. better that way, for the dogs and for her. she couldn't talk much cause he was in the other room, she said she'd tell me more at dinner. she hit a deer the other day and really did damage her little sports car. she's supposed to get an estimate tomorrow. i am depressed, which has been my usual state for the past 30 years. the pdoc promised, promised, that it would get better. but right now i don't have much faith in all these drugs and i'm starting to contemplate ECT. that would mean being in the hospital for a couple of weeks. a thought that i don't like to entertain. since there's no smoking in there anymore. i went without for part of the weekend because i just didn't want to go out, but i got some today. i think i'd go completely nuts. sometimes i wonder if someone had gotten me to a doctor earlier if i'd still be suffering like this. and sometimes i think it doesn't matter. today, i think it doesn't matter. i have more to post later but first i must send an email to a very good friend.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:15 PM ::
5 comments
i'm so confused. i took a nap and thought i had slept all night. thought it was 5 in the morning. got on yahoo about six and Tiny told me it was morning there. i felt like i was in the twilight zone. i had even taken my morning asthma meds. finally after almost arguing with tiny about what time of day it was, i remembered that i had taken a nap. d'oh! there i was thinking that i slept all night. i couldn't figure out why the water in my fridge wasn't cold after being in there for eight hours. thought the refrigerator was broken. it had only been in there an hour. but man, i felt refreshed. couldn't believe how rested i felt. now all i can think of is poppers and a cheeseburger. great. i still have hot dogs in the fridge, not my favorite, but cheap. now that i know what time of day it is, it explains why the Roos were making so much noise and there were cars going by and everyone's lights were on.
Posted by Lisa ::
10:12 PM ::
7 comments
i just started a second blog. it's for....the finer things in life-NOT! it's to get all the shit out that i don't want to post here. i feel good about starting it. in that one, i won't hold back at all. i think it will be good for me. Babs, i appreciate the shopping list. it's perfect.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:49 PM ::
3 comments
it's fucking freezing in here. damned a/c. the cats are cold, i'm cold. i think the guppy is cold. he's taken to wearing a scarf. a red one. okay, it's actually just a piece of yarn but guppies don't have long necks. i'm warming my hands over a candle. it smells nicely of honeydew melon in here even though i've been smoking constantly. i guess i think it's going to warm me up or something. i'm looking forward- NOT- to hot dogs again tonight. and i had to get white bread, was all they had. how special. i don't remember what i wrote earlier, other than about the cat spewing on me, so forgive me if i repeat myself. man, i want a nice huge warm sweater. do i have one? no. some guy named Roy called me today. he works with sean. he was calling to check up on me, see if i needed anything. if he had said his name was Louise i would have believed him. he didn't exactly have a "manly" voice. he was very nice though. i got him off the phone as soon as possible. i hate talking to people i don't know. he said someone named Nan would call me tomorrow. great. i hate when sean puts her foot down and tells me these people are going to call instead of asking me. i always say no. unless you've opened a couple of veins and have changed your mind, what can these people do for you? nothing. it's just this polite call. "heard you were having a hard time. sean asked me to check in with you." "i'm okay." "nothing you need?" "no, thank you." i don't know what good sean thinks it does.unless it's just the procedure for covering one's arse.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:39 PM ::
2 comments
my weather pixie lies!!! she says it's sunny and 28. i see cloudy and 23. of course she's 30 minutes south so maybe she isn't lying. oliver finally remembered how he likes to use the litterbox. he puts one back foot in, and the other three feet he uses to balance on the edge. just enough so that his butt is over the box. i don't know how he balances and pees at the same time. multi-tasking, i guess. so there's snow on the ground. by monday it's supposed to be 50. they didn't plow our street so it's a slippery slushy mess. in hamp they always plowed. this street tends to get forgotten even though it's close to downtown. fucktards. god i love that word. thank you Apos. Tiny gave me a great suggestion. that maybe a couple of guys from sean's office can take my air conditioner out. sounds good to me. i'm just so desperate to get it the hell out of the window. even with towels shoved all around it. i can feel the cold air coming through. and to think that i was thanking the powers that be for it just a couple of months ago...
Posted by Lisa ::
3:13 PM ::
3 comments
oliver just barfed all over me. that's a quick way to wake up. now, of course, he's having a snack. getting ready for round two? chuck barfed earlier but had the decency to do it on the kitchen floor. i think, actually, it woke oliver up and he just spewed. just thought i'd share that with you,.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:48 AM ::
2 comments
sitting here awaiting my cheeseburger and salad. don't feel up to going to the store. although the grocery store would probably be the least crowded place today. everyone eating leftovers. i talked to my sister a little bit a while ago. she's going to come over the weekend so we can have pie. she said she already told the jackass that it was my pie so that he wouldn't eat it. i caught her in her car, and she said that the traffic was terrible. glad i'm not out in it. i keep having to stop and think of what day it is. the holiday screwed me up. felt like sunday. felt like i should be meeting sean today. she set up weekend phone contacts, asking, of course, if i would answer the phone. i told her i would but i'm not going to stay awake to do so if i want to go back to bed. i can't get used to this damned snow. i don't want it. though it's supposed to warm up on sunday, so maybe a lot of it will melt. that would be very good. cheeseburger is here....
Posted by Lisa ::
2:19 PM ::
4 comments
i just wrote an "article" at blogster. telling them how stupid they were to delete the blogs that they did and how i didn't one bit like the changes or the censorship. i didn't actuallly use the word stupid, though it was tempting. i would be proud to be banned from blogster except for the ability to leave comments on those blogs of people who are still there. my sister didn't come yesterday. she got home from where she had thanksgiving dinner and took a nap. then woke up at seven. too late for her to bring pie. she goes to bed around nine, nap or not. i went back to bed this morning after the nurse left. i helped her fill several pill holders. i think i should get some of her money. lol. at least i saw them all to know they were right. might be stern nurse in the morning. yuck. but i found out that she just got a black lab puppy so before she starts in with the questions and comments, i can get her talking about that. ha!
Posted by Lisa ::
1:10 PM ::
1 comments
i hope everyone is enjoying a wonderful thanksgiving. my sister might come by with a piece of pumpkin pie that my nephew made. it's going to be hard to see her. we both feel like crap. she'll probably end up crying. i just hope that i can keep from doing the same. she's going to have a fit coming into this mess. i've got a pile of recycling on the ottoman. looks lovely. actually it looks like it's going to topple on to the floor at any second. we don't have recycling here and i feel bad just throwing it out so it just builds up. sometimes sean takes it to recycle it. boy, did they screw blogster up or what. i don't know what mutt and jeff were thinking. i think some more people will come over here because of it. i hope so. i suppose i should get my ass out there and shovel.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:16 PM ::
3 comments
okay, there's snow on the ground and that's not making me happy. it's not making the poor cats happy either. ella wanted to go out at five-thirty, i opened the door and she said, snow, rats! used the litterbox and went upstairs for a nap. when oliver got up, he wanted to go outside, i opened the door and he said, oh no! what about my bladder? he seems to be afraid of the litterbox. he used it last winter. he kept sticking a paw in and running away. paced back and forth, stuck his paw in and ran away. i think he finally used it because he came and sat with me and didn't pee on me, which was a good sign. talksalot said that if we got more than two inches of snow, someone would come by to clean up. well, we got about four and apparently no one is going to come by. someone shoveled the back side walk. the Roos are gone so i'm left to shovel the front. this isn't what i signed up for. i think talksalot should get her ass over here and do the walk. it's light snow, so it's not a big deal and the front walk isn't long, it's just the idea of it. i pay for the priveledge of NOT shoveling. dammit.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:25 PM ::
1 comments
just got a call from sean. my insurance will be reinstated as of tomorrow. i never would have gotten through all that without her. it's not as big of a weight lifted as i thought it was going to be.even though it is retroactive for ten days, it's taken twenty to get it back and i'm still going to owe a lot of money. the nursing visits cost about a hundred dollars a piece. well, there's nothing that i can do about it. so i might just as well let it roll of my back. it'll all work out.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:19 PM ::
4 comments
i got my klonopin today. i was all out. i guess sean must have taken care of it. she never did call me yesterday afternoon. somehow i knew she wouldn't. she just called around noon. her day to come up here. i told her that she didn't have to. she said, i think i do, unless you want to come down here. i said no, she said she'd call me when she was on her way. she didn't want to leave the phone because the insurance company and she were going back and forth. she didn't sound too positive about it. it's a beautiful day out but cold. and the fucking snow is going to come tomorrow. i haven't checked the weather, i don't know how much we're supposed to get. i just checked. only one to two inches but it's going to be colder than hell. wait, of course it's going to be colder than hell. colder than.....well, someplace else. i hope everyone has a good day tomorrow. let no turkey be dry!!!!!
Posted by Lisa ::
12:50 PM ::
1 comments
i knew sean wasn't going to remember to call. it's fucking sad. my whole morning can revolve around meeting with and she can't remember to call like she said she would. talk about a loser. the people i spend the most time with are paid to see me. and i'm going to be paying forever because of the insurance. i have no klonopin for tomorrow, no allergy meds. the klonopin is what concerns me. i don't know how i'm going to make it through the day without it. such a fucking loser. if this doesn't let up, i am going to end up in the hospital and i don't want that. sean brought it up today when i acknowledged that i didn't know whether or not i was going to be safe when i got home. our hospital has to take people whether they're insured or not. but hell, that sure isn't where i want to end up. at least here, i have my kitties. i don't have to deal with people. i don't have to deal with anyone kicking the end of my bed to wake me up for group. i don't have to play mind numbing games or kick a giant ball around in a circle, or say what my goals for the day are (which are usually killing the entire staff.)
Posted by Lisa ::
3:56 PM ::
6 comments
i think i insulted someone on this site. didn't mean to. she also posts on blogster. not sure what i said that would have offended her. but it seems as though i did anyway. i'd like to apologize, but i don't think she'd see it. and sending email is too much for me right now. i certainly would never set out to offend anyone. guess i just have to accept that it happened and try not to dwell on it.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:30 PM ::
1 comments
i don't know what to do today but blog. seems like the day is going by so slow. i just want nighttime so that i can sleep. i wish i had some of those sleeping pills right now. i could go get some. but if sean doesn't get an answer to her phone call i'm afraid that she'll come over and i'll be not making any sense from the pills. i found out today that they don't celebrate thanksgiving. she says they're indian so that wouldn't make sense. sean with a spanish last name wouldn't have given me a clue. she said they rent movies and have buffalo wings and poppers on thanksgiving.she has grown children but she also has a son who's 15 and her spouse, who's a female. i'm not sure when they got married, one day, i just noticed a ring on her finger. she doesn't talk about her spouse, just "we." i know this is going to be a long hard weekend without her. she won't work friday. even though it was too much to be with her today, i know that i'll miss her over the long weekend. i only had enough klonopin for today. i guess i should call the drugstore. but i'm not going to. can't deal with that crap. sean said yesterday that she'd call today. but i don't have a lot of faith in her memory. she probably won't even call this afternoon. she gets busy and forgets. damned military planes sound like they're landing in the back yard. i hate them. they land about twenty minutes from here at the air force base. i really hate hearing them. they sound different from the commercial planes that land about thirty minutes from here. i wish the fucking rain would stop.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:24 PM ::
0 comments
just back from coffee with sean. i didn't stay long. maybe 35 minutes. only had a few sips of coffee (and it was actually good today) threw the rest away on my way out. i'm sure they hate it when people put liquids in their trash. they should provide a sink or something. it was just too hard to be around even sean today. all those pills i had last night and now i just have empty containers. the nurse took them all this morning. it's supposed to get really cold. and the chance of snow showers this evening. and my damned air conditioner is still in the window. i hate having to depend on other people for things. wish i could just take it out myself. i'm really glad to be home, though i feel a little lost. it was hard being with sean. i couldn't really concentrate on anything she said. we didn't talk about the meds that the clinic couldn't provide. or anything about her calling the insurance office. she said she was going to call me later and asked if i'd answer the phone. i told her i would.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:59 AM ::
1 comments
went to bed at nine, got up at four. plenty of sleep but it doesn't feel like i slept. it feels like just yesterday continued. it's raining and cold. a couple hours until the nurse comes, and then i'm meeting sean at eight-thirty. i don't know why so early. she'll be late of course. i've taken to being a little late myself so that i don't have to wait for her for so long. we should get an answer on my insurance today. i'm out of one of my allergy meds which i know is going to be expensive. but i'm afraid if i don't take all of my asthma and allergy stuff, i'll feel sick again. go back to being hoarse and coughing up a lung. this is such a pain in the ass. if only i had let the insurance company know about my change of address, this wouldn't have happened. but i didn't even think of it. not too bright.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:44 AM ::
2 comments
i have a whole shopping bag full of free samples from the med clinic.and the thought of taking them all right now gives me such peace.but i can't do that. i can't do it to my sister. especially not now. and it makes me angry that i don't feel that it's my choice whether to live or die. i should have died a long time ago. it should have been me rather than my brother. yeah, this is really an upbeat post. the pdoc kept asking me questions and it was making me so nervous. i felt like i was supposed to have answers that i didn't have. answers that i never have. sean and i met before the appt. for coffee and i asked her how NYC was. i have no idea what she told me. i was trying to listen but i just couldn't concentrate. i don't remember the questions that Karen (the pdoc) asked me either. i only no that she got a lot of i don't knows and one word answers. i've been feeling crummy since friday. she couldn't give me samples of all my meds, so that means getting deeper into debt with the pharmacy.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:32 PM ::
4 comments
i went to bed early last night after part of a rather gross eggplant parmesan grinder. it was crunchy. eggplant ain't supposed ta be crunchy. i just went to the cable office and paid my overdue bill. i don't know why i let the bills go like that. i thought, if they turned off my modem, i'm going to be lost. of course there was an old guy with a hearing aid in front of me. he got a new television and couldn't figure out how to work it so he was going to have to pay for a service call. i felt bad for him.he had no one to figure it out for him. today, sean and i go to the pdoc. i have to load up on free samples. i have to call the insurance place and see if i have insurance again. i'm putting that off too. i have a whole list of stuff i'm putting off. i know that if i just do a couple of them, i'll feel better. but...... i'm IMing a friend who is having a really hard time. i feel so bad for her. but there really is nothing that i can say to help her to feel better.i've been where she is and nothing anyone says can touch it. not a good day.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:11 AM ::
1 comments
i just had to restart the laptop for the first time since i got it back from the beer incident. it was loggy. it's perky now. i have my clothes in the dryer, finally. forgot about them TMing with tiny. the heat still hasn't come on, must still be pretty warm out. or my furnace is broken...let's not go there. i tried the whole peanuts and mustard thing. not a good way to go. might as well have been bologna and orange juice. just ordered an eggplant parm ginder. taking my geodon late but with something to eat. which is the goal. today has been such a weird day. getting up early, going back to bed after the nurse came. regular nurse. nowhere else to go. except to get cigarettes. i could deal very nicely with this not going out thing. actually cleaning a bit. deciding the cats and i will have chicken on thanksgiving. tried to call my friend, Lydia. she's never home when i called. was going to invite her out to dinner. i mean, she's never home when i call. not once in the past three months. and when she's called back, i'm in a mood when i just don't want to talk to anyone. so we just leave messages for each other. though i didn't leave a message today. here comes the heat. i'm so fucked up. have no family except my sister and i don't even see her on a regular basis. i used to. i don't know what happened. i think me being fucked up was just too hard to deal with. don't get too close, cause she might decide to off herself at any time. but i'm not at that place right now. i want to see what happens next. i'll get to see sean tomorrow before going to the pdoc. we forgot to make a time, so i'll just meet her at the usual time and place before we go to an appt. today was such a wasted day. the problem was i was awake for most of it. i'm just babbling. blah, blah,blah, blah....
Posted by Lisa ::
6:28 PM ::
2 comments
i find that i'm not too thrilled with the blogger alerts for new posts. they sent one in the middle of the night to cover quite a few blogs. i was expecting it around seven or so, so that you could actuallly read the days blogs that day. couldn't they put the best of blogster and blogger together? doesn't seem like too much to ask. i'm actually doing laundry. there are clothes in the washer! i went out to get cigarettes and came back inside, wondering what that noise was. it's the washer, silly. just haven't heard it in a while. i wish i had a different shower, speaking of getting things clean. i have a claw foot tub, which is cool, but it's less than 2 feet wide. and i always feel as though i'm going to fall out of it. i had a bigger claw foot tub at the house. it was nice and wide and long. this one sucks. looked good before i actually had to take a shower in it. now i'm stuck with it until i die! had a nice chat with tiny. perked my spirits up a bit. have to start thinking about dinner. i have peanuts and mustard. hmm...wonder how that would be as a dipping sauce. no, not too good. it's yellow mustard.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:56 PM ::
1 comments
it's in the low fifties here today. it looks beautiful out. but the closest i've come to going out is to let the cats in and out. i went to bed early last night and went back to sleep after the nurse came this morning. i just don't want to be awake. i did do a little bit (read: very little bit) of cleaning today. and i'm going to do some more, some laundry and go through bills. woo hoo! i can barely contain my excitement. really. i find that i'm disapointed that my sister won't be coming for thanksgiving. i know what she's going to do will be better for her.i've spent the past two thanksgivings alone. slept through most of them with the tv on a football game. i think i may get a chicken for me and the cats. they'll love it. that means going to the grocery store on one of the busiest weeks of the year. that doesn't sound too good. maybe if i do it tomorrow it won't be so bad. i wish that i wasn't alone today.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:43 PM ::
1 comments
i talked to marsha and i won't be going to the office anymore. someone will just come in the morning. she kind of talked me into buying some klonopin. and Babs told me that you can go into seizures if you stop it abruptly. i don't want that. then i won't be able to drive for six months and that just wouldn't work. i don't know what the hell they're having for dinner next door, but as soon as i walked in the front door i could smell it. that must mean that they get stale cigarette smoke over there. don't feel good about that. it's the first time i've smelled them cooking. smells good. especially to one who does not cook. i used to cook. but now that it's just me, it seems like a pain in the neck. i kind of miss cooking for people. H. would eat anything that i put in front of him. fortunately, i'm a decent cook. i do miss having real dinners. and i do miss the old house so much. i wonder how long that will take to fade. it's been almost a year. and this is a nice condo. i was lucky to find it. but it's just the same as owning your own house. of course, there aren't as many headaches and worries, which is good. so, talksalot (alias busybody) was next door today after they got furniture delivered. i swear she just went over to see it. always knows what's going on. for someone who is always talking about how busy she is, she has a lot of time to look out the window. i wish that i could be having coffee with sean right now. sometimes, i think i depend on her too much and that i should ask for a different worker.just something that keeps flitting through my mind. i don't know.... maybe i'll get a chicken for me and the cats for thanksgiving. they deserve treats. don't think they'd like the mashed potato and stuffing but i would. i love mashed potato. i'm a little worried about thanksgiving. i won't see anyone the whole day. and all you folks will have things you'll be doing. maybe it would be a good day to clean.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:25 PM ::
2 comments
i did have dinner with my sister on thursday. it was depressing. she's devastated because of that jackass. i was really upset thursday night and friday. over everything and nothing. i slept most of the day on friday. seems longer ago than yesterday. i went to bed at six last night and woke up at four. marsha was able to get free samples of all my meds but the klonopin. because that one is a controlled substance. i'm not going to buy any. if the inhaler hadn't cost so much, i would. that means i'm going to start going through withdrawl tomorrow. that's happened before and it's not fun. terrible headache, feeling like bugs are crawling on you....all the good stuff.but maybe, since i don't feel like it's doing much good anymore, that won't happen. but i hear when you're coming off of that sometimes you don't sleep. i don't remember that from last time. damned neighbor has his snow blower out. they're forecasting snow for wednesday. talksalot better have someone lined up for snow removal. i chose a condo instead of a smaller house so that i wouldn't have to deal with all that.i'll be damned if i'm going to shovel my driveway. it's not that huge but it's pretty long. for shoveling anyway. i want a nice person with a plow to take care of it. i have to go searching for my winter clothes. i don't remember if they're in a box or a bag. and i have plenty of both. guess i'll do that later. i've had a damned sinus headache off and on for seven days. i shouldn't be getting those with the allergy meds i'm on. but i guess my sinuses aren't impressed by it. end of complaint. that's enough for now. i hear talksalot next door. hope she's not coming this way. don't have the patience.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:11 PM ::
2 comments
no sean tomorrow. she's taking a vacation day and going to NYC. i wish she'd tell me a little in advance when she's going to be out instead of the day before. but i haven't told her that it bothers me, so... they're talking snow next week. a lot of it. and as far as i know,, dipshit talksalot hasn't found anyone to do snow removal. she fired last year's guys without consulting anyone. no vote, no nothing. i'll be damned if i'm going to be out there shoveling. i pay for the priviledge of not having to do that.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:36 PM ::
7 comments
well, i got my cigarettes (and creamer and ice) without getting too sopped. got to park right in front of the store. i like it when that happens and in the rain it was an extra treat. there i was, forgetting that i had posted that i needed to go out in the downpour and i get this comment from Babs telling me to put a plastic bag over my head and wondering why she was instructing me how to suffocate myself.....but i got it. a little slow,but i got it. i'm trying to tell the cats that they don't want to be out all night in this weather but it's not going well.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:20 PM ::
5 comments
i had myself a very nice nap this afternoon after a lunch of weiners. now, i don't especially like weiners, but they're only a dollar fifty nine at the convenience store. god knows what's in them. it's windy as hell. i expect my car to come crashing into the side of the house any moment. yet it's still balmy out. all the cats are in, don't have to worry about any of them flying away. marsha just came with my evening meds. she's' always so sweet, except when she's angry. then the tone of her voice could render you unconcious. didn't have much time with sean today. she was running late (when isn't she?) and so it was taking out the trash and a quick coffee. we'll have more time tomorrow. omg, three of the cats are on the couch. glad i'm not lying down or one of them would be stuffed up my nose. now it's raining like hell and i have to go to get cigarettes. probably should have done that instead of taking a nap. i think it's supposed to be downpours all night. and i, of course, don't own a raincoat. i do have an umbrella but it's in the car. damned kangaroos next door. up and down the stairs, up and down, up and down. i think i need a shotgun. this is more annoying than the lawn ball.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:11 PM ::
3 comments
sean is on her way over here to help me with the trash and then we'll go to the town coffee shop. i took a nap after the nurse left. still very depressed. and this grey day isn't helping. i know that i'm supposed to spell it "gray" but i like it better the other way. took my seroquel so that i'll be ready to go out. the pdoc didn't get the changes to the nurses yet. i took the klonopin earlier, now i'm out of prns. instead of having one left over. people have been talking about ECT. has anyone out there ever had it? i'm not sure what to think. i'll use someone's google search on their blog so that they'll get the money rolling in and do some research. how the hell did i ever find anything out before the computer? i went over to Smith and looked things up the old fashioned way. in books. i know i'll be glad to see sean but i just want to go back to sleep. i wish it was a sunny day. i don't usually care much about the weather but i do wish it wasn't so depressing looking out there today. and i wish no nurse had to come this evening. i am looking forward to having dinner with my sister tomorrow night. next week being thanksgiving i won't see as much of sean, since they get the day after thanksgiving off. if my sister doesn't come for turkey, i imagine i'll just sleep all day. though i know there will be great college football games on. they're emptying the dumpster now. i can hear it though it's all the way at the other end of the building past the parking lot. i have my own driveway. hehe. lots of perks about getting this particular condo. i just hate to through trash bags into a newly emptied dumpster. seems just plain wrong. i guess i'll get over it rather than have trash bags in my kitchen. oh, the sun is peeking out. heres sean now.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:31 AM ::
1 comments
the nurse did finally come. it was stern nurse. apparently regular nurse is having back problems. she talked about it yesterday. i guess it got worse because it takes a lot to make her call in sick. stern nurse didn't have my pills for the whole day. just the morning ones and the prns. so she's sending someone round this evening to bring me my afternoon and nighttime meds. she didn't know who it would be. i hope it's not someone who's all giddy and hyper because i will have to kill them. the fog is finally lifting exposing a grey, overcast rainy day. it's supposed to get warm though. it certainly isn't now. what a rotten day.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:27 AM ::
0 comments
nurse is running late this morning. hope that doesn't mean another mix-up. it's so foggy here that it's hard to see out the window. i went to bed super early last night. woke up at one to let oliver outside then went back to sleep and didn't wake until my alarm went off. terrible sinus headache for the sixth day in a row. i think i have an infection. i should be having no troubles like that with the medication that i'm on. oh well, whaddya gonna do? i hope this doesn't mean that it's going to be stern nurse. man, i wish that i didn't have to see her. i think i'm going to stop going for my evening meds two days a week and just have them set me up in the morning every day. yesterday i laid down for an hours nap and woke up at four fifteen. i'm supposed to be there at four. i quickly called them to let them know that i was on my way and it seemed to take forever to get there.i feel bad when i hold them up. though with all the forgotten meds and waiting around that i sometimes have to do, i don't know why. i guess because it's not usually the same person that i go see who leaves me waiting. and the evening nurse always goes over my pills with me. to make sure that they're not leaving anything out. i'm so glad that they were able to get free samples. lucky. okay, now it's almost eight-thirty. i'm going to have a cigarette. if they have to walk into a smelly house, they'll survive.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:53 AM ::
1 comments
sean just called. she can't bring me to the insurance office tomorrow morning. she has to go to court with a client. but she said that we could go thursday. she called just as i was starting to cry. glad that i wasn't already a blubbering idiot. my sister answered my email. didn't say anything about thanksgiving. but we're going to do dinner on thursday. she said that it's pretty rotten around her house. the asshole's mood changes constantly. he's such a jerk. i've never liked him. i wrote to her about a friend of hers. said that i hoped that she was able to talk to her about what was going on. she said that her friend has been wonderful. i still don't know why she doesn't lean on me anymore. makes me feel more useless than usual. and that's pretty useless. i let her know that i was here for her, that's all i can do. i'm waiting for my last order of jalapeno poppers. the last indulgence. from now on it's cheap food. does anyone else hear "taps" playing?
Posted by Lisa ::
7:58 PM ::
2 comments
one hundred and eighty three dollars. that's how much my inhaler cost. if my insurance doesn't kick in soon (it goes back ten days from when it's active again) i'm going to have to pay for that. they said that i can pay over time. i gave them a small check when sean and i went to pick it up. sean said that one of the meds is over six hundred dollars, i don't know which one. fortunately, marsha has been able to get free samples of all the meds but one. i'm not sure which one. we went to social security today and returned the uncashed checks, now i just have to call my case worker and figure out how much i still owe. i think, if sean can rearrange her schedule a little bit, tomorrow morning we're going to the insurance office and try to get that going. i could never do this stuff by myself. but then, i guess that's why i qualified for an outreach worker in the first place. d'oh! i just emailed my sister an invitation to thanksgiving dinner. it would be just the two of us but it's better than her sitting alone at home while asshole goes to his mother's. i guess i would have to find my salt shaker. she puts salt on everything. i guess i could tell her that she has to bring her own salt. i don't even salt the mashed potatoes. i figure if people want salt, they can add it, but i can't take it away. i can hear the kitten next door playing.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:22 PM ::
2 comments
my last post was a bit hurried. i even forget what i said, so forgive me if i repeat myself. i felt better when i was with sean today. we laughed a lot. i am so lucky to have her. i think my face lit up when i saw her today. it was such a horrible weekend. an this evening i am really depressed. worried about my sister, worried about bills and how much money i have left. and how long it will take to get back on SSI. will i have enough money to last me? and what if i don't. the cats come first. whatever they need, but i might be eating ice cubes for a week and sucking on the furniture. and i don't know how the hell i'm going to pay for the nursing visits at a hundred dollars a whack, the insurance will only go back ten days from when it's reinstated. never mind the weekly pdoc visits. can't get blood from a stone. isn't that the expression?everything is such a mess. i told the pdoc that the klonopin wasn't doing anything for me anymore so she prescribed some extra seroquel. i just took some klonpin an hour or so ago and i'm jumping out of my skin. it's had plenty of time to work. go to your special place, Lisa. calm down and go to your special place. oh shit, i forgot, i don't have a special place. i'm going to head over to blogster and read a few blogs...
Posted by Lisa ::
7:22 PM ::
3 comments
met sean before my pdoc appt. we filled out the paper work for the health insurance. and she is going to have the secretary fax it to them. it may take one or two weeks. it might go faster if after a couple of days we go down there and speak to someone in person. but there's no telling how long we'd have to wait. can't make an appt. the only good thing about this lapse in coverage is that i used it to cancel my appts. with the squid for the next two weeks. tomorrow morning sean is taking me to the social security office so that i can turn in some checks that they sent me after i was no longer eligible. now that i'm eligible again, i have to try to get that all straightened out. it's all nerve-wracking and a pain in the neck, but sean assures me that it'll all turn out okay. i got some free samples of a few of the meds from the pdoc. i have enough for a week. hopefully that will be enough.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:59 PM ::
1 comments
i went back to bed after the nurse came. woke with my bladder ready to burst from the morning's diuretic. gingerly made it downstairs to the bathroom. managed not to pee on the way. hurrah! have yet to put a load of laundry in. the cats are in heaven out on the porch.sleeping in the sun.with the window closed, it's pretty warm out there. i have the back door open for some fresh air. just managed to take a shower, which was against my will. though i do feel slightly better having done it. have to go out to get some creamer so i thought i'd best not look like a total loser. for those of you who don't know, Denise's b'day is the 17th. don't forget to stop by her blog and wish her a happy day. sorry Denise, had to share the information. everything seems so hard today. i have a pdoc appt. tomorrow. i'm sick of the klonopin not doing anything. i'm going to push for a change. at least that's what i say now. when i get in there, i might not have it in me. i don't know if i'm meeting sean before the appt. or not. i ihave to wait to hear from her in the morning. but if i tell her that i want a change on the klonopin, she can at least bring it up if i don't have the nerve to. i'm starting to be interested by this NASCAR stuff. though i don't watch it, i like Babs updates. go figure.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:28 PM ::
1 comments
i'm wating for the nurse. usually she's here before eight. i don't have much patience today after yesterday. and i just want to go back to bed. so i wish she'd hurry up. didn't sleep well last night because i didn't go get my pills and refused to have them brought to me. i'm not sure why, just didn't want to see anyone. still don't but i want my meds. it's another beautiful fall day here, but i can't appreciate it. MUST do laundry today. i don't know why i put it off so long. it's easy enough having the washer and dryer in the basement. imagine if i had to go out and do it. i'd be following Bab's lead and doing it in the bathtub. nurse is finally here
Posted by Lisa ::
8:09 AM ::
2 comments
the nurse came around twelve. the meds have kicked in. stupid system they have for contacting each other. if i hadn't called no one would have come. and the only reason that i had the courage to call was because i was chatting with tiny and she urged me. otherwise i'd have sat here all day. got a towel stuffed around the a/c but it doesn't seem to be helping much. must be helping some or the furnace would be running constantly. really pissed about the whole nurse thing. got my meds at twelve rather than eight and i felt like a mess. and i have to go into the office to get my evening meds today. i feel like calling and saying that i'm not going out and i don't want anyone to come here. i just want to be alone. and i really don't want to drive. Babs, did you go for brunch today? hope it was good and greasy. i'm taking a survey as to what to have for dinner tonight. got one vote on fettacini (sp) alfredo.
Posted by Lisa ::
2:38 PM ::
0 comments
when the nurse didn't arrive by eleven, i called and had her paged. apparently she had left another nurse voicemail to come and see me and she never got the voicemail. so it's eleven thirty and i'm still waiting. a little panic problem. one side of my face is numb. and i'm shaking. i'm really ticked off. i'm used to getting my morning meds between 7 and 8. i know that it was really no one's fault and i should have called soooner. this sucks.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:28 AM ::
1 comments
the nurse is really late this morning. i just have a feeling that if she says anything, the kinds of things that she usually says, i'm going to lose it. i'll either start crying or tell her it's none of her business. the latter would be preferred. the former would make her feel bad. hmmm....which to go with???? sean says we'll get all of this health insurance stuff straightened out. and maybe i can get free samples from the clinic. but what to do about my asthma meds. i only took it once yesterday instead of twice and i was coughing and wheezing all night. scares the cats off me when i cough. i don't want to get back to the point of hoarseness from coughing. i took all my little asthma meds this morning and i'm still wheezing. it all looks so different outside after all the wind that we had. now it looks like November. bleak for the most part with some trees still holding on to their leaves. cripes i wish the nurse would come.it's two hours later than i usually get my meds.and i'm starting to feel it.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:04 AM ::
1 comments
i slept for twelve hours last night. had peanuts for dinner. too bad i don't have any mice anymore, they would have loved some. it's freezing here this morning, though it's supposed to get up in the high fifties today. unfortunately, i think it's going to be stern nurse this morning. i don't have the patience for her. i just want her to come give me meds, not say much and leave so that i can go back to bed. all i want to do is sleep.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:40 AM ::
1 comments
sean called this morning. she had just gotten the message from yesterday. she said she'd help me with some of the things that i need to do about the health insurance and my SSI. ithought she was calling because she was going to have to cancel our meeting today but she wasn't. she actually moved it up an hour. she's going to call the pharmacy and talk to them about my scripts. after this weekend, i'll be out of my important asthma inhaler. i've been trying to conserve it the past couple of days, but more wheezing and coughing. i don't want to get back to the point that i was at before the meds. coughing enough to pee my pants and wheezing up a storm. talking about peeing. there's one cat, Chuckie, who follows me into the bathroom every time i go in there. and she wants to be pet. and i can't pet the cat and pee at the same time. it's really becoming bothersome. LOL.
Posted by Lisa ::
9:17 AM ::
5 comments
here i am again. i warned you... i really like the cds of The Duhks that sean loaned me. i recommend them. frankly it was terrible not seeing her today. i felt like i needed to so much. and tomorrow is friday so i'll be on my own this weekend. i go in to get my meds on saturday but i don't know who's going to be there. i think it's marsha, but i'm not sure. my big desicion for the night. to eat or not to eat. and if so, to go out and get the best pizza in town or have one delivered from someplace else. i think the cat has finally settled down behind me on the couch. she kept walking across the keyboard to get my attention. it got my attention but only got her a soft flight to the couch. okay, i made up my mind. delivery pizza instead of going out. i know, a big relief to all you guys. i hope it's good. got a veggie. crust better be crunchy instead of doughy. imagine something i need a plate to eat with. don't need one of those for the jalapenos. but i'm not in a jalapeno mood tonight. i wish that the really good place delivered. they'd get a lot more business. from me, anyway. i just feel so lost today. i hope tomorrow is better. i delved into my nighttime meds, i hope i can sleep later. although i've not been having nightmares i have been having bad dreams. the kind that wake you up all panicky. and often when i wake up i don't know where i am. i keep thinking i'm in the old house. that felt like a much safer place. not that i'm worried about anyone breaking in or anything like that. it just felt safer. and there you have it...
Posted by Lisa ::
6:58 PM ::
3 comments
just had a chat with Tiny..made me feel better although she's having a rough time. listening to one of my favorite cds. that's helping. though the cat keeps jumping on the keyboard. she knows that's a sure way to get attention. i think she gave up and went up to bed. okay, now all the cats are in. too cold for them to be out there. the good thing about tomorrow being a holiday is that they can't deliver any bills. hehe. i might just take over the world before Babs, Sooner and Jackiesue. just something i'm tinkering with. it does involve a lawn ball. the one next door hasn't reappeared but sean saw one down the street. i wonder if the people next door will still have the fake flowers planted once the snow flies. while i was IMing with tiny, talksalot came to the door with a letter, which hasn't been opened yet. she basically told me what was in it. and that the people next door who got rid of two dogs got a kitten named Jake. much quieter. i thank them. i still wish that i hadn't voted "no dogs" so that my sister could stay here for a while if she needs to. she'd have to kennel the dogs and that would break her heart. more than asshole has. if anybody else is on Yahoo IM, my screen name is "heffalumpboo." heffalump was already taken so i put the name of one of the cats on the end of it. i'm a little manic right now. i may just start calling everyone i know. at least it isn't three a.m.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:15 PM ::
0 comments
my sister just called and cancelled dinner. she worked a long day and still had charting to do (she's a visiting nurse). she was going to just go home and go to bed. she said maybe over the weekend we could go and that she'd call me tomorrow. i guess sean never got the message to call me. i probably would have just blubbered in her ear anyway. we're meeting tomorrow afternoon. damn it's cold and windy. just went out for the ever important cigarettes and froze. of course i'm not wearing warm clothes, so that might have had something to do with it. i have to find my winter clothes. they could be anywhere. why is it that i did not label the boxes when i packed up? thought i was going to remember everything. idiot. you might see a lot of blogs tonight. there always seems to be a cat around me when i try to type. it's starting to get on my nerves, just like everything else gets on my nerves. i didn't realize that tomorrow is a holiday and i was plannning to go to the bank and close out an account. it's too late for that now. and that means that i won't get that form from the insurance company tomorrow and i can't call social security. all the things i need to do. at least sean is working tomorrow. they work veteran's day so that they can have the day after thanksgiving off. the holidays are going to be lousy this year. with my sister going through what she is. maybe i can invite her over for thanksgiving dinner. she usually goes to the asshole's mother's. but i don't think that will be the case this year. she sounded pretty good on the phone. man, i just can't imagine living with him until the remodeling is done and the house is sold. it's a small house. only four rooms. hard to avoid someone. i was planning to go out so there's no food in the house. i'm not going back out there now to face the grocery store.
Posted by Lisa ::
4:41 PM ::
1 comments
one cat on me. ii want to take nap but my sister is supposed to call this afternoon so that we can make a time to meet for dinner and i don't want to miss her call. the suns coming out occcasionally. but the sky is really dark. they're calling for possible flurries later on. talksalot better get her ass in gear and find someone to clear the snow this winter. i'll be damned if i'm going to shovel. ithought the guys last year did a pretty good job. she says they did a shitty job. of course, she doesn't ever seem to be satisfied. how i'd hate to live with her. the thought of it makes me ill. cat wants attention. i hate it when they step on the keyboard. ella once did a google search with her butt.
Posted by Lisa ::
1:03 PM ::
1 comments
or so it seems lately. sean had to cancel today because she's having car trouble. the minute i got off the phone with her assuring that i was okay, i burst into tears. i'd just spend the whole day in bed but i'm going to dinner with my sister. which i don't feel up for but it'll get her out of the house and away from the asshole. i just took my allotment of seroquel for the day and it seems to be starting to help. at least i've stopped crying. i don'tknow what i'm going to do if i have to go without my meds. it's bad enough with them. i want to cut but i can't even go get stitches without my insurance. sean asked me if i wanted her to check in with me later today and i said no. 45 minutes later i called her office bawling saying that i changed my mind. the secretary (whom sean has told to call her on her cell phone if i call) didn't answer the phone. it was someone else who said that she'd leave her a message. yeah, the seroquel is helping. it's windy as hell here. all my favorite trees have lost their leaves. one street over is so filled with leaves, it's like jumping into a pile of leaves with your car. it's cold out too. just called marsha. she's so sweet. i told her that i talked to the insurance company and what the problem is. she said that maybe they could work out something with the meds. but i'll have to pay for them. but not a whole months supply at once. on a day to day basis. and that's the end of my cheery news.
Posted by Lisa ::
10:53 AM ::
1 comments
babs, i started my post yesterday morning and then finished it in the afternoon, i just didn't bother to change the time. figured no one would notice. oops. waiting for the nurse, she's late today. what a bleak day. and rainy. not looking foward to going out. i'm only going to meet sean. and the coffee house is bleak anyway, so what's the difference, i guess. yeah, i'm hoping that my pdoc has some free samples of whatever it is that i'm running out of. the last thing i need is to have my meds interrupted. though yesterday they didn't feel like they were doing a damned thing. this is really a hard time. harder than i've had in a while. i want to smoke a cigarette but i figure as soon as i light it , the nurse will come. and i hate them walking into a blue haze. i wonder why she's so late?? i smoked anyway. but it didn't bring the nurse. i hope she's okay. didn't get into an accident or anything. i hope today is a better day than yesterday was.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:38 AM ::
1 comments
i went to the pdoc this morning. she thinks that i'm on too many meds and that's why i'm shaking so badly. i told her how i felt about the klonopin but she didn't change it, though she did say that people get used to it and it stops working....well, maybe next week i can get some where with that. she's raising the symbalta (sp) and cutting down on the lamictal. she doesn't feel like it's doing anything. hell, i don't know what's working or not working. i hate it when she asks me because i haven't a clue. all of this takes so much time, it's frustrating.
i spent the afternoon sleeping and crying.then i got a call from Marsha saying that she had tried to call in refills for some of my meds and the pharmacy said that my insurance had been cancelled. after eighteen different phone calls, it turns out it has something to do with the change of address. they're going to send me a form to fill out. i may have to go without some of my meds for a while. not a great day overall. i am going to dinner with my sister tomorrow night. that's a good thing. we're back to rainy weather. and cold. i don't think i'm ever going to get this air conditiioner out of my window.")
Posted by Lisa ::
12:08 PM ::
3 comments
just ordered chinese. mostly veggie thing. the kangaroos next door are making noise. sounds like they're dropping things between the walls. the cat finally stopped sitting on the laptop and is now hiding behind me on the couch. it's supposed to get cold tonight so i guess i can expect at least two cats on me. probably three. though one of them is still outside. i turned on the bat light for him but he didn't come. i have so many bills piled up. i have to deal with them. but most of me doesn't give a fuck. er, frog. today was really exhausting. i should have gone to bed when sean dropped me off. now i'm not tired. and i don't know if i will get tired. marsha gave an extra seroquel to take if i was up in the middle of the night. she was so sweet this afternoon. sometimes i don't know what i'd do without that support. though i did hide away two klonopin today. sean just called to check on me. said that she got my message. that she'd like to go to my appt. with me tomorrow. she's going to call me tomorrow morning, see if i'm okay to drive.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:16 PM ::
3 comments
i'm really feeling lost. the voices have been strong the past couple of days. but that double shot of geodon this afternoon helped. and the low carb candy that sean gave me so that i'd have something to eat with it. i'm trying to think about dinner but i'm not really hungry and i don't know what i want. there's nothing in the house. i'll have to order out or go to the grocery store. i can't picture myself going out again today. syd left a very nice comment about my sister's problems being hers, not mine. but i've always been very protective of my sister even though she's older. it's just tearing me up knowing that she's going to be through with the man who supposed to love her, and losing her house at the same time. i think if i can swing it, i'm going to give her a check for a thousand dollars, then maybe she can save up the rest, help her get an apt. i hate when people break up. almost always, there's one party that doesn't want to. and although i've never been dumped, i can only imagine how it must feel. marsha was so sweet to me today. said that i knew there would be bumpier spots in the road sometimes. and yeah, i do know that. it's just hard to take when they're here. if i didn't have my sister, i'd be bumping myself off the map. i don't care what my brother thinks, or how it would be for him. i'm so pissed that i voted "no dogs." even if she could stay with me for a while so that she wouldn't have to stay with him. it must be hell living with someone who has dumped you.and losing her house on top of everything.... hopefully they'll get a really good price for it and have some money left over after paying off the mortgage. i feel so bad for her. haven't heard back about my invitation to dinner thursday night. i wish she would lean on me. i don't really know if i could take it or not. i think i could. i'm pretty good under stress. it's the normal days i have trouble with. sean asked me how i was going get through the night and i told her that i would probably blog. so here i am, doing that.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:44 PM ::
1 comments
was exhausting. sean called this morning and decided that she would come out here and pick me up for my pdoc appt. i guess i wasn't sounding so hot. we were five minutes late for the appt. and the dr. left cause no one told her that we were there. we waited half an hour for nothing until they told sean that she was gone for the day. so then, we were waiting for the head nurse. i told sean i just wanted to make another appt. but she wouldn't go along with that. after being there an hour, the head nurse came out. and he gave me a double dose of geodon, and sean gave me something to eat with it. he said he'd try to get in touch with the doctor. when we finally came out of there, sean suggested that while we were in town, we should see if i could stop and get my meds early. so she called and we had half an hour to kill before we could go. i got my meds and sean brought me home. she spent about four hours with me. said that she had cleared her afternoon schedule after she talked to me on the phone. we made plans for her to come over tomorrow but then as i was on my way to get cigarettes, the drs. office called and offered me an appt for tomorrow. so i had to call sean and see if we could meet in hamp after my appt. i don't mind going alone though i don't know how she'll feel about it. she likes to come to the pdoc appts. because she doesn't trust me to speak up.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:15 PM ::
2 comments
didn't sleep very well last night. when the alarm went off this morning, i turned over and gave myself another half hour. i have a stupid appt. with the squid in a little while. i almost called and cancelled. i'm not really sure why i didn't. i have an appt. with the pdoc at noon. i wish i could just stay home and sleep. i go to get my meds this afternoon. i think i'm going to cut out going on saturdays. i don't know how good of an idea that is but i think i'll try it anyway. is everybody getting out to vote today? i didn't register in the new town so i can't. not something that i thought of at all and not knowing where city hall is didn't help. finally got some scoopable cat litter again. i'd had to use the clay stuff. the box stunk all the time despite the promise of "rose petal fragrance on contact." it's much better now. i just called and cancelled my appt. with the squid. it's just too much today. i'm just too muddled to handle that today. told her i'd see her next week.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:08 AM ::
4 comments
i'm really a mess. one voice just keeps telling me to go out and get several packages of sleeping pills and the other voice is telling me that i can't leave my sister. i put in a call to sean but i think she's gone for the day. sean calms me down. she is probably the safest person that i have in my life right now. trying to catch a couple of people on yahoo IM but they're not coming on. thery're either hidden talking to people or offline. i just feel so destructive tonight. i suppose if i could just go to bed, i'd be all right. but i'm not sleepy or tired. my mind just keeps racing. what can i do? what can i do for my sister? and i come up with nothing except giving her money. this day sucks.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:15 PM ::
3 comments
i'm still very upset about my sister's situation. i don't know how she'll be able to save up money to get an apt. i'm thinking of taking a loan out on a credit card to give to her. i had coffee with sean this noon. and as soon as she saw me she frowned. i had taken all my prns just to get out of the house. she asked if i was going to be okay until tomorrow and i said, yes. asked if i was safe to drive home. thought about that one for a minutes, then said, yes. but i was looking at the grills of those tractor trailers. i know that i have to stay okay for my sister.she'd be destroyed between that damned asshole leaving her, losing her house and losing her sister too. no matter how much i want to end it all and just be free of everything, i can't do it. i don't think the klonopin is working anymore. i went to the very small grocery storee on the way home from meeting sean and i just started shaking uncontrollably. i was trying to swipe my debit card but i was shaking so much i had to do it three times. and then, time to put in my PIN. i was shaking the whole little machine. the cashier was sweet, she held it for me and i got my pin in there. lord knows what she thought. but i've come to a place where i don't really care what people think anymore. i'm going to ask my pdoc tomorrow if we can try something other than the klonopin. i've been on it for quite a while. i don't know waht will help anymore. as i was cashing out at the store, i saw that they had razor blades at the check-out. but i didn't get any. i wanted to, but i didn't. i can't do anything that my sister might find out about that would upset her. that damned asshole is turning her world upside down and there's nothing that i can about it.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:40 AM ::
2 comments
i just found out today that my sister's boyfriend (who she's been with for 15 years) wants out. they've been remodeling their kitchen and she kept saying, i can't believe that it's going to be my kitchen, it looks so wonderful. and he never said a damned thing even though he's been thinking about this for months. the thing that gets me is that she's put up with his emotional abuse almost from the very beginning. example: he wasn't talking to her. he came into the living room, asked her if she'd like some eggs for breakfast. she said sure, thinking that he was talking to her again. a while later, he came into the living room with a plateful of eggs and set them down for the dogs. the bastard. she's stuck with him through so much shit and now her life is falling apart. i'd like to kick him in the groin repeatedly. boy would i like to do that. i'm afraid that she's going to fall apart. but there's nothing that i can do about it. just try to be there for her. which she hasn't let me do of late. she told me through email after a week. of course, because i couldn't do anything about it, it made me want to cut. but i didn't. i was IMing empty and spyder. that made me feel a bit better as did the coronas and the chain smoking. i never smoke anywhere but in the kitchen, but i was smoking in the living room. with a candle top for an ashtray, seeing as i have none. this whole thing is bullshit. he said that he wants better things. what the hell does that mean? both spyder and empty suggested that he had someone else. i don't know. i can't imagine what it's like for my sister.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:47 AM ::
2 comments
i went to sooner's last night but the page wouldn't refresh so i gave up and went to bed. had no problem getting in with the video, though talksalot came to my door and there was sooner's music blaring. she came with an unsigned letter from the "outcast" here saying that she'd pay her condo fees when she damn well felt like it, basically. it's due by the fifteenth. but she said she wouldn't always pay it by then, it would depend upon when she had the extra money. wonder if she used to do that with her rent..... talksalot was furious. she was talking about getting a lien on outcast's mortgage. she's trying to sell her condo and that would prevent her from doing that. the value of the condos has gone up twenty thousand dollars since i bought mine. you'd think with only six units, everyone could get along. wrong!
Posted by Lisa ::
1:45 PM ::
6 comments
he's older by eight years. and i don't like him much. when we were growing up he had a terrible temper. he beat on us. not the regular older brother play punching or anything like that. but real beating. i remember one time, he had my sister up against the refrigerator and he was choking her. fortunately her boyfriend was there to pull him off. my mother was off at the bars a lot so there was no one to intervene but the tenants. the man chased him away many times. he's not like that anymore. but when i'm around him, i'm still afraid. so obviously, i don't like to be around him. and i don't like my SIL much. she's very pushy and can't stand silence so she says a lot of inappropriate things in trying to fill it. my mother used to call her a bitch and i'd stick up for her, which didn't go over well. but over the years, i've stopped trying to make excuses for her. so i avoid both of them. the only thing is that they have a wonderful seven year old. and if i could see him without seeing his parents it would be great. my brother doesn't even know where i live. and i'd like to keep it that way. so it's really only my sister and me left. i guess that's why it upsets me so much when she acts strangely.
Posted by Lisa ::
12:55 PM ::
0 comments
still three hours before sooner's opens. damn, i want to see Johnny. i wonder if Babs or her clone will be there. i've decided not to dress up. and i have no stains on my shirt so i'm presentable. well, fairly so anyway. i officially have no food in the house. i had some oscar meyer weiners but they grossed me out so i tossed them out. so now the question is, do i go for poppers? the last time i got half cheddar and half cream cheese. and they put bacon on my cheeseburger. if i tell them that they'll probably give me a cheeseburger for nothing. i don't do bacon. i don't usually do cheeseburgers either but when i get depressed (and when am i not?) i tend to eat meat. i should say, really depressed. my sister is still acting funny. i call her and get the machine so i leave a message and she emails me a couple of days later. i don't know what's going on with that. i feel like i must be depressing her or something. but i try my best to be upbeat when i'm with her or when i talk to her. and i feel bad for not getting in touch with my brother. he called a couple of months ago, maybe longer than that, and i never called him back. i just don't like him very much. i feel bad because he has a young son and i'm missing seeing him. he's seven and he's as tall as a ten year old. and he can read anything. he reads cereal boxes, anything that is in front of him. i hope his love of reading lasts. i got him some Legos for christmas, he LOVES legos. i may mail them out early. mailing them means no contact with his mother or father which is what i prefer.his mother, well, for an example: at my mother's funeral, we weren't in the limo five minutes after the wake and she was saying that she knew who would really like one of the plants that were sent. i asked if we could just have some quiet time. i was so irritated that she coouldn't even wait a day. hell, the plant wasn't going anywhere. and my brother is the worst hypochondriac that i've ever met. a hangnail would send him to his bed. and they were both so greedy when i was cleaning out my mother's side of the house. everything and anything that they could get their hands on. and their house is already filled to the brim. they have paths to walk through amidst all the stuff. just gets my feathers ruffled. maybe too easily. i used to make excuses for my sister-in-law, but i stopped that a couple of years ago, sometimes people just act like witches and there's no way to excuse it. geez, i should turn this red. it's become a rant.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:08 PM ::
4 comments
boy was sean right about not listening to particular songs on the duhks cd. i should have listened to her. brought back a lot of bad memories just hearing part of the song. on the other cd, i will heed her warning. the weekends are always a tough time for me. though i get to see marsha tomorrow afternoon. maybe i'll actually be able to talk to her. i don't want to cut anymore. it causes so many problems. including the possibility of getting admitted to the fifth floor. (the psych ward.) i sure as hell want to avoid that at all costs. including needing stitches and not getting them. that, i've done a dozen times.the only reason that i got them last time was because i had a short sleeve shirt on when the nurse came in the morning. but one was really bad and it's a good thing that i got sutured up. it would have taken forever to heal. if it healed at all. regular nurse said that it wouldn't heal by itself. they sure heal a lot faster when they're stitched. geez, time seems to be going so slow today. wondered how Babs is feeling. she was a little low earlier. and yesterday. i want sooners's to open though it won't for a few hours. babs promised mr. depp would get an invitation.
Posted by Lisa ::
5:32 PM ::
0 comments
i know, i just finished blogging. seems to be in my blood today. i feel so much better now that my asthma is under control. i didn't realize how lousy it was making me feel until it started to get better. so looking forward to seeing my Johnny tonight. i have to do laundry. i hope i don't miss his grand entrance. before sean came to get me this morning i took all my prns and they helped. i wasn't a nervous as hell out at the coffee place. and my leg wasn't shaking crazily. i really have to talk to the pdoc about the klonopin. i know i said this yesterday. but the more i say it the more likely i am to actually do it. i could lift my coffee without shaking. but i'm not supposed to be taking them all at once. no voices presently, which is good. very good. still feel like cutting but i have no razor blades. then i thought of the utility knive in my tool box. i don't know if i'll give in or not. i'm going to try to not to. it just ends up with things being a mess. literally and figuratively.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:58 PM ::
1 comments
i went to coffee with sean...like i needed more coffee. man, i don't know how she manages not to hit things on the passenger side of the car. she's always within a hair of cars, curbs and things. i think i'm getting used to her floor it, brake. we saw weird smoke coming from the chimney of the church in the center of town. she went in and told them about it. actually went into the adjoining house. the woman came out with her keys to go check it out. i thought it was so cool of sean to do. i would have just thought, that's strange and gone on about my business. then the church would have burned down and i'd have felt responsible. she loaned me a couple of cds of the duhks. anyone ever heard of them. i'm going to listen to them later. she used post it notes on both to let me know the songs that she thought would upset me. so of course, i want to listen to them out of curiosity. but she knows me well and i should take her advice. hey, can i still dress up at sooner's? last week i was an oreo. this week i want to be something different. and (to the powers that be) don't forget to invite Johnny Depp. he likes to be invited rather than just show up.
Posted by Lisa ::
3:32 PM ::
1 comments
went back to sleep after the nurse left. woke up around ten. made coffee. drank way too much of it. sean is coming at twelve thirty and we're going to the pathetic little coffee house here in town. the iced coffee isn't bad there but any one of the hot coffees really suck. i don't know how a place can stay in business when they have lousy coffee. i guess being the only place in town helps. this weekend is football and riding the exercise bike. losing that weight really gave me an incentive. let's see if i have incentive tomorrow. my nephews are supposed to come this weekend and take the a/c out of the window. which means that i have to clean the house. and i guess it's time to put away the fan. still wondering if Babs leg is going to fall off. think i'll go to sooner's tonight. can you imagine what his mailbox is going to be like with all the comments? hehe i certainly hope the regulars from Blogster show up.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:10 AM ::
1 comments
i've read a lot tonight about people who suffer from depression and it pisses me off. if i could take it all on so that no one else would have to deal with it, i would in a second. then i'd just off myself and we'd be all done with that. i saw a three year old mentally retarded girl in the caffe today. it made me so sad. her mother was talking to her like she was a normal three year old. i guess that's good. i don't know, she may have been four. but it just made me so sad. it's only going to get worse the older she gets. and her parents will have to worry about what will become of her after they pass. i guess that was one reason i got an abortion. to not have to worry about that. the anniversary of it is coming up. late december, same day my mother died. i know some of you know all this stuff already but i left my posts at blogspot. chose not to move them over. i just wanted to leave the place as it was. so you'll probably hear things that you've heard before. bear with me. i took my pills at eight and i'm not sleepy yet. i don't think the klonopin is doing what it used to. i'm going to talk to the pdoc about that. i've been on it a long time. i don't think it has an effect on me anymore. i'd like to try something different. with all the changes she's made she may not be willing to do away with the klonopin right now. i don't know.
Posted by Lisa ::
11:19 PM ::
1 comments
the nurse finally came last night as i was giving up hope. even with my pills, i had some pretty bad dreams. one was about three people, a clone and a monkey taking over the world. i don't know where that came from. it's supposed to another wonderful day, sunny with highs in the sixties. though now it's rather cold. no walmart today. just coffee at the cafe. and picking on the people who go by. i know, real mature. but our town is known for having all sorts of strange characters. we get a lot of tourism here. i think they just come to look at the natives. that's actually my old town. the one i'm in now doesn't have a lot to look at. here we have one coffee shop. there, there are three within two hundred feet of each other. we have a couple of drive-thru dunkin donuts, but those don't count.
back from coffee. i think sean was bored. she kept playing, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and here's all the people. i caught her doing that a few times. it's time for people to take their Halloween decorations down. i'm going to give them the weekend and then i'm knocking on doors and writing citations. there are a couple of houses i'm worried about christmas time with. they went so far out for halloween, i dread seeing them at christmas. it's so nice to hear the neighbor (with the lawn ball) raking his leaves when i know that i don't have to do the same thing. this condo thing has it's perks.
Posted by Lisa ::
7:01 AM ::
5 comments
i went to wallyworld with sean today, bought the wrong kind of cat litter. have to go back. i took two klonopin before she got here to pick me up. they didn't seem to help a whole lot. she kept asking me if i was okay. guess i didn't look too good. i thought i was going to pass out a couple of times. and the store wasn't even very crowded. i was home for an hour and decided that there was just no way that i was going to make it to get my meds. so i called marsha and told her that i wasn't coming. we talked a bit and she said that she'd send a nurse out with them. i just wanted to go to bed but i said okay to the nurse. she hasn't been here yet and it's getting kind of late. i wonder if she forgot me...
Posted by Lisa ::
6:32 PM ::
2 comments
my mother stopped drinking June 5th, 1981. she drank from time to time after that but wine, instead of her usual Manhattan. i don't know how she drank after having a drinking problem but she did. and i got the wine for her. she didn't get drunk like she did all those years. one glass of wine was enough. so she had twenty years without being drunk before she died. i wish she would have gone so long without smoking. she wouldn't have had so many health problems. but she couldn't. even when we had oxygen in the house for her, she'd take it off and stand at the back door smoking. i told her she was going to blow herself up. didn't make an impression on her. i wish she could have had one last smoke and seen her cat before she passed.
Posted by Lisa ::
8:38 PM ::
4 comments
i think over the next couple of months i'm going to post a lot on my mother. i always called her Jane. never mom, mother. she was an alcoholic, active from the time i was ten to fourteen. there was so much that i didn't understand about alcoholism. things i wish that i knew at the time. but i couldn't understand then. i didn't understand what alcohol did for her. all i knew was that she was either drunk and falling over furniture or asleep. i didn't understand what it took for her to stop drinking. that's one thing that i wish i could have told her before she died. how proud of her i was of her for stopping. it's not one of things that i thought of while she was dying. i wish that i had. both of my parents were alcoholics. my dad never really stopped and that combined with his diabetes killed him. alone in a motel room he called home. he kept jane's high school picture next to his bed. i thought that was so sad. they hadn't been together in years and years. okay, i'm depressing myself further.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:59 PM ::
1 comments
i went to the pdoc today. she's taking away one med and exchanging it for something newer one. we can rebuild her.make her better, stronger, faster. she trusted me with a sample of 30 pills. she said that she has to see me next week. otherwise she'd have to admit me to the hospital to make the changes. obviously i chose meeting her next week. and we're starting to do away with the geodon. the one i'm supposed to eat with. because i'm not eating with it. therefore it's doing no good.the new anti-depressant is supposed to have fewer side effects. no weight gain, fewer sexual side effects (like i care about that.) tomorrow, sean is taking me to walmart. basically to stock up and cat food and litter, and coffee, can't forget the coffee. it's three dollars cheaper there than at my local grocer. okay, i confess. i buy Starbucks. yes, a big chain, but it tastes so damned good. she's going to come out of her way to pick me up so that we can do the trash. i actually only have one bag but i still have to clean out the mouse cage so that'll make another. i keep looking in the mouse cage expecting to see someone scurrying around. i should have cleaned it out already. it's sad. i've had mice for about seven years, maybe longer. i lose track of time a lot. i didn't talk to the squid about the memories of my mother. i just don't feel safe enough with her yet. it's downright balmy outside. it's supposed to be in the forties by morning. then tomorrow is supposed to be another nice day. i got a new CD in the mail today. it came out in Ireland on friday and they must have wasted no time shipping it. it's amazing that i got it today. my favorite artist, Mary Black. i haven't listened to it yet. when i told sean that it came in the mail and that i hadn't listened to it, she said, are you crazy? she likes her too. i'll put it in the computer later tonight so that i can let sean borrow it tomorrow. gosh, i am going on and on aren't i? 'nuff said, for now.
Posted by Lisa ::
6:05 PM ::
1 comments
i forgot to put in my last post about the weather here. at ten this morning it was 70 degrees and sunny. 70 degrees! we've been lucky if we got up to fifty. i don't know what the hell is going on but i like it.
Posted by Lisa ::
10:50 AM ::
1 comments
i just came back from meeting with the squid. as i sat there, i thought about telling her that i refer to her as the squid but decided against. as usual, her hair was sticking up. but today it was sticking up in quite a few places. i looked at her hair everytime i went to look at her. i couldn't help it. i feel lousy again today. i think part of it is the time of year. this was the time four years ago that i knew that my mother was going to die. that she wouldn't be going back home again. she didn't die until the end of December, but i knew. she didn't know. she was still fighting. but i knew it was a fight she couldn't win. that morning in early October when i called the ambulance, i never thought that she would never make it back home.
Posted by Lisa ::
10:10 AM ::
1 comments
